Poem: "Composite Complexities"
Feb. 1st, 2024 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem came out of the October 3, 2023 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by an anonymous prompt. It also fills the "Let Me In" square in my 10-1-23 card for the Fall Fest Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes the voices that other people put in your head, disadvantaged childhood, unhealthy relationships, educational abuse, child neglect, medical neglect, nightmares, resistance to new relationships, body horror, traumatic stress, imposter syndrome, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Composite Complexities"
The voice in your head is
supposed to be your voice,
but sometimes it's not.
When you've grown up
with people mistreating you,
so that love and hate get
tangled like yarn after
the cat's got into it,
then bits of them
tend to stick to you.
There's the voice of
your father, criticism
and discipline; there's
the voice of your mother,
who never had expectations
or hopes for your achievements.
There's the voice of your partner
who was supposed to support you
but never did, who cut you down
instead of lifting you up.
Those are the big ones, but
then there are all the others,
so many others, the voices of
all the teachers who never
gave a damn, the sitter who
couldn't be bothered to feed you,
the doctors who wouldn't listen,
the friends who made promises
that they couldn't (wouldn't) keep,
a whole hydra of hisssstory.
In dreams (or nightmares)
they all blend together, along
with a mishmash of other junk
chucked up by your subconscious --
(what's red and green and
goes a hundred miles an hour?)
(a frog in a blender)
-- until it's hard to tell
what's you or what's not.
The composition is
questionable and
yet inescapable.
It's enough to give
anyone a complex.
You try to rest (give
yourself a break) but
whenever you close
your eyes it's there:
a many-headed monster
whisssspering to you in
the forgotten voices
of the dead, unburied,
shambling through
the shaded woods
of your sleep.
Everything is
clouded, shadowed,
confused by all of these
composite complexities.
Hiss and whisper,
their voices, your voice,
all a monstrous mutter.
(what were the words
to that song again?)
You've forgotten what
they sounded like; you've
forgotten what you sound like.
It's all a muddle that you
can't ever seem to scrape off.
Every time someone begs you
to let them in, you shiver in dread.
How can you do that, when you
know what's going to happen
the moment that you do?
They'll just get under your skin,
swallowed by all the heads
into the belly of the beast.
You dream of the unquiet dead,
and hate them a little, and
can't stop loving them,
and miss them still.
(Horror movies have
nothing on the show
inside your head.)
This is body horror,
but it's disembodied.
Wishes and memories
blend together again,
speaking in tongues.
You can't remember;
you can never forget.
Wherever you go,
bits of the people
who touched your life
stay stuck in you, like
pebbles in the mud that
clings to your boots.
This -- this is where
imposter syndrome
comes from, because
how can you ever find
confidence when they've
gotten under your skin, when
you aren't even alone in your voice?
* * *
Notes:
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. This is part of the damage done by child abuse. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Child abuse can have lasting impacts. It raises the risk of revictimization permanently. It has many other negative impacts. In this case Shiv has severe boundary damage and trust issues. Know how to stop child abuse and support survivors. The healing process is long, but there are tips for parents and guardians on how to help.
Learn about "stuck problems" and how to handle them. Traumatic stress can cause a spectrum of effects ranging from acute stress reaction (a normal response that fades after a few days) through acute stress disorder (a "stuck problem" that lasts up to a month), PTSD (a "stuck problem" lasting more than one month), to PDSD (a "stuck problem" involving repeated traumatic experiences over time). Developmental trauma disorder happens when the young psyche cannot grow normally due to extreme stress, rather than a well-developed psyche breaking under stress. Traumatic stress is fundamentally a failure of processing that happens inside the brain. When the mind cannot file traumatic memories properly, then they don't integrate into experience, which disrupts the ability to recognize context. The events get "stuck" in a processing loop within the mind, which turns those memories into triggers that cause flashbacks. Know how to stop your brain from looping. Some new therapies focus on the body as a way to "unstick" those memories and thus heal the mind. Supportive friends can help, although these symptoms are very difficult for everyone to deal with.
Imposter syndrome comes in many flavors. This is particularly prevalent among women, especially in STEMZ fields, people of color, and women of color. Know how to deal with imposter syndrome.
fuzzyred. Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes the voices that other people put in your head, disadvantaged childhood, unhealthy relationships, educational abuse, child neglect, medical neglect, nightmares, resistance to new relationships, body horror, traumatic stress, imposter syndrome, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Composite Complexities"
The voice in your head is
supposed to be your voice,
but sometimes it's not.
When you've grown up
with people mistreating you,
so that love and hate get
tangled like yarn after
the cat's got into it,
then bits of them
tend to stick to you.
There's the voice of
your father, criticism
and discipline; there's
the voice of your mother,
who never had expectations
or hopes for your achievements.
There's the voice of your partner
who was supposed to support you
but never did, who cut you down
instead of lifting you up.
Those are the big ones, but
then there are all the others,
so many others, the voices of
all the teachers who never
gave a damn, the sitter who
couldn't be bothered to feed you,
the doctors who wouldn't listen,
the friends who made promises
that they couldn't (wouldn't) keep,
a whole hydra of hisssstory.
In dreams (or nightmares)
they all blend together, along
with a mishmash of other junk
chucked up by your subconscious --
(what's red and green and
goes a hundred miles an hour?)
(a frog in a blender)
-- until it's hard to tell
what's you or what's not.
The composition is
questionable and
yet inescapable.
It's enough to give
anyone a complex.
You try to rest (give
yourself a break) but
whenever you close
your eyes it's there:
a many-headed monster
whisssspering to you in
the forgotten voices
of the dead, unburied,
shambling through
the shaded woods
of your sleep.
Everything is
clouded, shadowed,
confused by all of these
composite complexities.
Hiss and whisper,
their voices, your voice,
all a monstrous mutter.
(what were the words
to that song again?)
You've forgotten what
they sounded like; you've
forgotten what you sound like.
It's all a muddle that you
can't ever seem to scrape off.
Every time someone begs you
to let them in, you shiver in dread.
How can you do that, when you
know what's going to happen
the moment that you do?
They'll just get under your skin,
swallowed by all the heads
into the belly of the beast.
You dream of the unquiet dead,
and hate them a little, and
can't stop loving them,
and miss them still.
(Horror movies have
nothing on the show
inside your head.)
This is body horror,
but it's disembodied.
Wishes and memories
blend together again,
speaking in tongues.
You can't remember;
you can never forget.
Wherever you go,
bits of the people
who touched your life
stay stuck in you, like
pebbles in the mud that
clings to your boots.
This -- this is where
imposter syndrome
comes from, because
how can you ever find
confidence when they've
gotten under your skin, when
you aren't even alone in your voice?
* * *
Notes:
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. This is part of the damage done by child abuse. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Child abuse can have lasting impacts. It raises the risk of revictimization permanently. It has many other negative impacts. In this case Shiv has severe boundary damage and trust issues. Know how to stop child abuse and support survivors. The healing process is long, but there are tips for parents and guardians on how to help.
Learn about "stuck problems" and how to handle them. Traumatic stress can cause a spectrum of effects ranging from acute stress reaction (a normal response that fades after a few days) through acute stress disorder (a "stuck problem" that lasts up to a month), PTSD (a "stuck problem" lasting more than one month), to PDSD (a "stuck problem" involving repeated traumatic experiences over time). Developmental trauma disorder happens when the young psyche cannot grow normally due to extreme stress, rather than a well-developed psyche breaking under stress. Traumatic stress is fundamentally a failure of processing that happens inside the brain. When the mind cannot file traumatic memories properly, then they don't integrate into experience, which disrupts the ability to recognize context. The events get "stuck" in a processing loop within the mind, which turns those memories into triggers that cause flashbacks. Know how to stop your brain from looping. Some new therapies focus on the body as a way to "unstick" those memories and thus heal the mind. Supportive friends can help, although these symptoms are very difficult for everyone to deal with.
Imposter syndrome comes in many flavors. This is particularly prevalent among women, especially in STEMZ fields, people of color, and women of color. Know how to deal with imposter syndrome.
