The Wordsmith's Forge

>>It's also about reproductive strategies. A female invests much energy into few eggs; a male invests little energy into many sperm. A female gains by seeking an older mate who has more resources. A male gains by seeking a younger mate who has more fertility.<<

Maybe in purely traditional evolutionary terms. Culture's where women co-raise kids with siblings or where a child will have multiple social fathers wouldn't necessarily require the bio-dad to have resources, or at least not on the level of a nuclear-family that pairbonds to raise kids.

Or in other words: women may be predisposed to be more choosy, but I suspect what women are choosy /about/ might vary across cultures, at least a bit.

>>Equating mental illness with monstrosity is bothersome, but well, it's such a big part of Gothic literature that tampering with it would destabilize all the other things connected to it. :/ <<

Maybe, but I think this series does okay. Tyler might be a mentally unstable shapeshifter with ambiguous Power Incontinence, but:

- Enid is a shapeshifter who has trouble with her powers, but she is cheerful, prosocial, and uses her abilities in a protective manner
- Xander has the whole 'tortured artist' thing, and can be kind of obnoxious / socially inept, but we never see him deliberately choosing to hurt anyone, and he seems horrified at the prospect
- something's up with Wednesday; she's unsociable and violent, but she does have a strong moral code and has positive bonds with other people...in a wildly unconventional sense
- Ajax has power incontinence, but it only temporarily inconveniences him and most of that is from being to embarrassed to explain to Enid what happened

So we have Tyler's 'monster/disturbed' traits spread out over several other characters, and none of the others are played as [metaphorical-sense] monsters, only Tyler. So at least to me it comes across as more of a 'Tyler has a dangerous problem' than 'all monsters are dangerous' or 'all disturbed people are dangerous.'

>>The problem is, men do this because it works, and it works because women let it, and if you point this out then they all go apeshit.<<

Because saying "Men act badly because women let them" is a) victim blaming and b) very annoying in the presumption that women are obligated to enforce men's behavior.

I know you are looking at it from (let's say) a logical and social-engineering perspective, but if I did not know you *I* would be very upset at hearing that argument.

>>And then she went with some other guy who kept pestering her.<<

Maybe she felt "no" had to come with a reason, or it wouldn't be respected. Maybe the other guy was a more annoying pester-er. Maybe it was long enough that whatever was going on where she didn't want a partner changed. And NONE of that matters, because the answer she gave the first guy was "No, not interested."
(I'm not thrilled about the lying, but there's a million reasons why she might have lied, and I'm not going to fuss about whatever choices she made to keep herself safe.)

>>The guy side of me felt like I had given him bad advice by saying that if she asked for space, he should give it to her.<<

And I'd say advising your guy friends to hassle people is generally bad advice. If he keeps doing that, he'll gain a reputation with the women in his social circle, might waste time dating women who are disinterested or incompatible but faking a 'likeable' persona, and might even end up committing a crime.

She didn't want to date him and went out with someone else? Fine. Be disappointed for a while, and get up and try again (politely) with someone else.

>>It's really hard to convince people to follow rules, when breaking the rules gains them much more.<<

Like when no means endless pestering and an exhausting argument, but lying about how "My husband won't like that" means they f-off?

>>Interesting.<<

It was somewhere on the Metafilter Emotional Labor thread, if you want to track down the original source.

>>I think of courtship as a chance for people to advertise what they bring to a relationship, whether that's money or great sex or loyalty or whatever. If you don't want it to be a part of your relationship, don't bring it into the courtship. People should know what they're getting into.<<

Sensible, but cultures are often very un-sensible.

>>Also, I note that most successful relationships are successful because the couple invest time and energy in each other, as they did in the beginning, even if the type changes with the flux of their lives.<<

Relationships need investment. Most of 'em don't do to well if you just coast - you will run out of goodwill eventually.

>>I like that idea.<<

Thanks, me too!