>>See now, that works just fine as long as both agree to ignore each other and someone else is available for whatever needs doing.<<
It was never targeted malice, so we could keep an eye out for recurring problems, or keep an eye on people who might tend to get a bit too helpy, and we also never had to break up a fistfight or smuggle someone out a side door (hallelujah for that!)
It helped that the group of regulars was small enough that we could track who didn't get along. Or who did: one new student spoke and really enjoyed a second language that was the native language of one of out volunteers (Me: "Oh, I should introduce you to Volunteer, she speaks X, too!"), and our volunteer was delighted to be greeted in her native language by the new student.
>>So lots of people are desperately lonely but don't have what they need to connect. Some are trying to splice back together by adopting other refugees, mostly the solitary elders. It's just a mess. But it's only come up a few times; I caught an example because Labib had picked up a solitary grandmother.<<
It might be interesting if they start adopting locals, too. I think there are some bonds and proto-bonds that could go that way, and it mightn't be as unusual in T-America. (I think Ahzan could quite realistically end up getting adopted into the local counterculture community, for example.)
I remember that the 'arraigning a chaperone' rule is very relaxing, as it cuts out a great deal of stress and risk assessment and emotional labor on my part. Although its not 100% - I've had people be fine with me driving them places without a chaperone, and I think there were one or two cases where "my kids are here" got counted as sufficient. Not sure what was assimilation, improvisation, familiarity, or necessity but [shrug], social rules are complicated.
I also remember that my initial automatic reaction to people calling me 'Sister' as a sign of friendship/affection was to explain that I'm not a nun. I looked it up later, and found out that brother/sister is an affectionate way to refer to dear friends in Middle Eastern culture. (Now I basically treat it as an Affectionate Nickname whenever it comes up.)
To make it more interesting, there was a nonzero possibility that nuns would be around (religious organization), and we did have one nun who was volunteering for awhile. And people have actually mistaken me for a nun in separate context. (My religion does not have a monastic tradition, but apparently my taste in clothes can come off as 'traditionally religious?')
>>I find that things unsaid cause the most problems.<<
Complicating this, it isn't just cross-cultural, it is often cross-status [class and gender and race and socioeconomic standing and...], where the lower-status person is not supposed to inconvenience a higher-ranked conversation partner with messy emotions or annoy them by saying no. So you get:
- the guy complaining that a woman always says "I don't know" instead of yes/no,
- the "Nobody complained before/I ain't listening to no rioters" dichotomy,
- and far too many instances of problems caused because retail workers are not allowed to say no (i.e. the classic "Must be done by 10pm, but cannot tell customers we are closed / shoo them out even if they stay until 1am, but why weren't you gone by 10:30?")
And yes, these are all real examples.
Plus, I recall a story where I (ex-retail worker) had to explain to somebody that when the receptionist says "Well, I don't think there's a rule against it" she probably means "Please for the love of X do not come into the building during a health crisis just to be sociable" but can't actually say that because customer service. (Person did not go along to be sociable.)
>>I agree. You really have to be good at reading people. Me, I'm too much of a bulldozer to be good at that sort of skill, but I can still admire it.<<
A thought: From what I can tell, you are good with science stuff and identifying social patterns, so would it work to think of it as a science experiment, or a play, where if someone goes off script or you get an unexpected result twice in a row that means "stop and analyze"?
Myself, I sometimes tend to think of it as and 'error message' : if you're getting bad (or incorrect, or unexpected) data out, check the data you're putting in, and the formulas you are using. Or a barrier: if you walk into an unexpected surface, stop and check if the door is open or closed.
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dancing_serpent
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2021-11-26 07:26 pm (UTC)It was never targeted malice, so we could keep an eye out for recurring problems, or keep an eye on people who might tend to get a bit too helpy, and we also never had to break up a fistfight or smuggle someone out a side door (hallelujah for that!)
It helped that the group of regulars was small enough that we could track who didn't get along. Or who did: one new student spoke and really enjoyed a second language that was the native language of one of out volunteers (Me: "Oh, I should introduce you to Volunteer, she speaks X, too!"), and our volunteer was delighted to be greeted in her native language by the new student.
>>So lots of people are desperately lonely but don't have what they need to connect. Some are trying to splice back together by adopting other refugees, mostly the solitary elders. It's just a mess. But it's only come up a few times; I caught an example because Labib had picked up a solitary grandmother.<<
It might be interesting if they start adopting locals, too. I think there are some bonds and proto-bonds that could go that way, and it mightn't be as unusual in T-America. (I think Ahzan could quite realistically end up getting adopted into the local counterculture community, for example.)
I remember that the 'arraigning a chaperone' rule is very relaxing, as it cuts out a great deal of stress and risk assessment and emotional labor on my part. Although its not 100% - I've had people be fine with me driving them places without a chaperone, and I think there were one or two cases where "my kids are here" got counted as sufficient. Not sure what was assimilation, improvisation, familiarity, or necessity but [shrug], social rules are complicated.
I also remember that my initial automatic reaction to people calling me 'Sister' as a sign of friendship/affection was to explain that I'm not a nun. I looked it up later, and found out that brother/sister is an affectionate way to refer to dear friends in Middle Eastern culture. (Now I basically treat it as an Affectionate Nickname whenever it comes up.)
To make it more interesting, there was a nonzero possibility that nuns would be around (religious organization), and we did have one nun who was volunteering for awhile. And people have actually mistaken me for a nun in separate context. (My religion does not have a monastic tradition, but apparently my taste in clothes can come off as 'traditionally religious?')
>>I find that things unsaid cause the most problems.<<
Complicating this, it isn't just cross-cultural, it is often cross-status [class and gender and race and socioeconomic standing and...], where the lower-status person is not supposed to inconvenience a higher-ranked conversation partner with messy emotions or annoy them by saying no. So you get:
- the guy complaining that a woman always says "I don't know" instead of yes/no,
- the "Nobody complained before/I ain't listening to no rioters" dichotomy,
- and far too many instances of problems caused because retail workers are not allowed to say no (i.e. the classic "Must be done by 10pm, but cannot tell customers we are closed / shoo them out even if they stay until 1am, but why weren't you gone by 10:30?")
And yes, these are all real examples.
Plus, I recall a story where I (ex-retail worker) had to explain to somebody that when the receptionist says "Well, I don't think there's a rule against it" she probably means "Please for the love of X do not come into the building during a health crisis just to be sociable" but can't actually say that because customer service. (Person did not go along to be sociable.)
>>I agree. You really have to be good at reading people. Me, I'm too much of a bulldozer to be good at that sort of skill, but I can still admire it.<<
A thought: From what I can tell, you are good with science stuff and identifying social patterns, so would it work to think of it as a science experiment, or a play, where if someone goes off script or you get an unexpected result twice in a row that means "stop and analyze"?
Myself, I sometimes tend to think of it as and 'error message' : if you're getting bad (or incorrect, or unexpected) data out, check the data you're putting in, and the formulas you are using. Or a barrier: if you walk into an unexpected surface, stop and check if the door is open or closed.