Attachment to Places
Sep. 30th, 2020 03:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis article talks about attachment to places, and the lack thereof. The more people move around, the harder it gets to form and maintain attachments, both to places and to people. Without attachments, there is little incentive to take care of anyone or anything. If they stop being fun, you can just leave and find another. Then everyone wonders why they feel unfulfilled.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-09-30 10:39 am (UTC)The behavior scheme "if something doesn't suit you, just cancel everything/give up and try the same in another place" is actually something that should be concerned in why do the younger generations throw in the towel so quickly, if they don't succeed in an instant or don't get that what they want from a subject.
It's something which they don't get born with, it's something they learn.
On the other hand, regarding this subject, I know it so very much myself if you don't feel like home anywhere. But that's not necessarily due to changing locations a lot.
It's rather... finding no-one to rely and to lean on. It's "you're not important enough to anybody so that he voluntarily skips something of his life to (even) just look after you". It's the constant absence of someone reaching out for you - and not just a facade or something you can do for them or a habit because someone might be related by blood to you and "families ought to stick together" (such forced nonsense).
I think inside a part of me aches from that for more than half my whole timespan of existence already.
Thoughts
Date: 2020-09-30 10:48 am (UTC)Exactly.
>> It's something which they don't get born with, it's something they learn.<<
They learn it, because it's forced on them. It doesn't matter if someone wants to put down roots when their parents can rip them away from home at whim, or when a boss can fire them and make them unable to afford staying. Even if you manage to stay in one place and you reach out to other people, so many of them are moving around, it's very difficult to form long-term relationships. And it's getting harder all the time, because younger people aren't learning the skills for doing that, because they don't have the opportunity.
>> On the other hand, regarding this subject, I know it so very much myself if you don't feel like home anywhere. But that's not necessarily due to changing locations a lot.
It's rather... finding no-one to rely and to lean on. <<
That's also true.
>> It's "you're not important enough to anybody so that he voluntarily skips something of his life to (even) just look after you". It's the constant absence of someone reaching out for you - and not just a facade or something you can do for them or a habit because someone might be related by blood to you and "families ought to stick together" (such forced nonsense).<<
My standard is that families are groups who choose to move through life together. They might or might not be related. A functional family makes life easier; a dysfunctional one makes life harder.
>> I think inside a part of me aches from that for more than half my whole timespan of existence already.<<
I'm sorry to hear that.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-09-30 12:48 pm (UTC)By that standard, I know I am on my own. Totally on my own.
'Cause - those people which show signs of "bond" to me, it seems to me like they do that just because of practical reasons (like living together) and then just because of relation by blood. I know for myself how unwelcome I'd be if I'd be really open with a lot of things of my life and my thinking. (I even notice it myself that their talking and thinking isn't really good for me...)
I for myself define "family" similarly like you said it here; it's the people who I choose to be with and it's the people who chose me to be part of their life - not from habit, not from sharing genes, but just because they want me and I want them.
And in this point, there is no-one there. There's just a big void.
...It's not like my brain doesn't know that kind of existence from the school period, but one thing about it is: If you're a school kid, you hope, wish and expect it to become different once you're grown up.
But if that doesn't happen and as an adult you're still as on you own as you were since then, then...
...then you get quite asking what the heck is there still to look up to in life. If things just keep going on as they always did.
I have to say it like that.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-09-30 11:25 pm (UTC)Alas! :( I think more and more people are in that situation.
>> 'Cause - those people which show signs of "bond" to me, it seems to me like they do that just because of practical reasons (like living together) and then just because of relation by blood. <<
Yyyyyeah. Not fun.
>> I know for myself how unwelcome I'd be if I'd be really open with a lot of things of my life and my thinking. <<
Certainly there are relatives who purport to love me and want me around, but hate pretty much everything I am or stand for. It's like they have a little puppet of me in their heads that is totally different from the real me. Very creepy. I prefer to avoid them as much as possible.
>> (I even notice it myself that their talking and thinking isn't really good for me...) <<
It is good that you notice that! Bad that they are spewing bad input, but at least if you reject it, you're less likely to acquire it as bad tape.
>> I for myself define "family" similarly like you said it here; it's the people who I choose to be with and it's the people who chose me to be part of their life - not from habit, not from sharing genes, but just because they want me and I want them.<<
That is a good way to put it.
>> And in this point, there is no-one there. There's just a big void.<<
Sad situation, but increasingly common.
>> ...It's not like my brain doesn't know that kind of existence from the school period, but one thing about it is: If you're a school kid, you hope, wish and expect it to become different once you're grown up. <<
Often true.
Me, I didn't really believe most of what adults said about that. Instead, I looked around and made my own observations. College did not seem to be much different from other schools, other than charging a lot of money for slightly more complex material; and when I got there, my expectations were much more accurate than adult hype. I also noticed that many adults were unhappy in their lives. On the bright side, this helped me avoid many of the mistakes they had made.
But "It gets better" remains vicious advice. Sometimes it gets better; sometimes it stays the same; sometimes it gets worse. Nobody knows the future, but you can use things like history, statistics, and sociology to make pretty robust estimations. That is not usually how people do it, and when they do, others tend to whine about how grim the results are.
>> But if that doesn't happen and as an adult you're still as on you own as you were since then, then...
...then you get quite asking what the heck is there still to look up to in life. If things just keep going on as they always did.
I have to say it like that. <<
I'm pleased to see someone else acknowledging that. Most people just don't want to. Then they are shocked to see skyrocketing rates of things like suicide and shutins who refuse to swim in the social sewer. The problem with forcing most people into detachment is that, if they don't like their life, they're much more inclined to dump it or dump society because they don't have several dozen anchors holding them back.
On the bright side, other people's response to society sucking is to make their own better options. Hence intentional community, and closer to the mainstream, things like Strong Towns and Transition Towns that refute the dogma of detachment.
You do have to keep an eye on probabilities, though. Society will push false hope for all its worth. Depression and anxiety can make your feelings lie to you. So consider what is the source of your unhappiness, and is that a rock problem or a clay problem? If it is a rock problem, bailing is much more justified; if it is a clay problem, the appropriate thing to do is punch that clay into a more pleasing shape. People often do not do this step either, which leads to poor selection of problem-solving techniques.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 12:43 am (UTC)That certainly is so throughout my whole existence...
I'd like to get away from that 'cause I notice how toxic it is, but I fear of being not able to make it. As I'm completely on my own then, with physically fucked up health from chronic disease on top of it...
It wasn't an advice from other people back then. Already then it was the individual hope to create oneself a reason to stick to life. To believe there is a way out and a different kind of life.
People who think like the first sentence can't be saved anyway... They are just minded like that to run around with their eyes shut or their sight blinded by a lot of pseudo-happy crap. And to refuse what darkness exists throughout the world right beside them. Some of them maybe even need to protect themselves from something in their own life which they think they couldn't cope with.
The second sentence - I have a very idea in mind what it means...
At the end of my school time, my former life (that's why it's called "former") already ended up in such a final stop. Back then, it was called that.
So, if you wanna say so... my brain already knows a form of "bottom" in this context.
Frankly, I think I got too many rock problems present all at once.
And the "feeling no attachment" is something which I find it could be fixed only to a very limited extent - because this zeitgeist and people themselves are so much full of shit, so much full of US-SJW-ideology and the categories and terms US-sexual-minority-scene, including turning it all into the exact opposite; there's like no space for people who are factually positioned fully inside this spectrum, but disagree with this way to structure the world because they are no Americans and see the world functioning differently from that.
There's... literally no space for you, if you say, for example: "Mental sex isn't changeable or formable. And "gender" is something different than the neuropsychological embodiment of one's sex inside one's brain." - even if you harbor that position from being affected yourself. All over the place, it's just "gender" here and "gender" there... But "gender" isn't one's mental sex. And one's mental sex isn't something to play around with like some (I think: inexperienced) people want to make believe.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 02:05 am (UTC)Alas!
>> I'd like to get away from that 'cause I notice how toxic it is, but I fear of being not able to make it. As I'm completely on my own then, with physically fucked up health from chronic disease on top of it... <<
Yes, it is much more difficult for disabled people to survive and thrive, due to limited opportunities. The abuse rate is much higher for people with disabilities, around 90%, because it is harder for them to defend themselves and/or escape from abusers.
>>Already then it was the individual hope to create oneself a reason to stick to life. To believe there is a way out and a different kind of life.<<
That can be a good hope.
>> Frankly, I think I got too many rock problems present all at once.<<
That sucks.
>> And the "feeling no attachment" is something which I find it could be fixed only to a very limited extent - because this zeitgeist and people themselves are so much full of shit, so much full of US-SJW-ideology and the categories and terms US-sexual-minority-scene, including turning it all into the exact opposite; there's like no space for people who are factually positioned fully inside this spectrum, but disagree with this way to structure the world because they are no Americans and see the world functioning differently from that.<<
Yyyyyeah.
There's an aspect to the loneliness issue that average people can't experience. That is, if an average person goes to an event with 25 people, most or all of those people would be generally compatible and thus potential friends. But if someone is atypical, the potential list is much shorter.
Take sexuality. A heterosexual person has about 50% of the population as sexually relevant. That's about 12 out of 25 people, although not all may be unattached or interested. A homosexual person has only about 5% (because 10% is homosexual, divided about half and half by sex). That means probably 1 person out of 25.
Intelligence is another. Most people prefer to associate with people who are within about 20-30 IQ points in either direction. This is no problem for average people; they are surrounded with others like them, and most who are somewhat more or less intelligent will also be in range. But for someone on the fringes, it means very few people are potentially compatible, and also that dealing with average people is more work often for very little benefit. I was breaking tests in gradeschool, measuring in the top 1% far beyond my grade level. So realistically, the most generous estimate is that 1 in 100 people are on my level -- say, close enough to get along comfortably. More realistically, it's more like 1 in 1,000 or 10,000 are actually a match. I would have to dredge through at least 4 parties to find even one person who might be compatible, and probably far more than that. Because average people want to talk about things like which celebrity is fucking whom, and I want to talk about the latest exoplanet discovery. This makes it challenging to form relationships, not because my skills are poor, but for lack of appropriate potential partners and an unwillingness to settle for unsatisfying relationships. On the bright side, the internet enables me to connect with many friends online who share my fascination with esoteric topics and eagerly assist me in working at higher levels. \o/
Average people don't see that signal-to-noise issue, because for them it does not exist. They think everyone's experience of socializing is similar -- if you go, you'll make new friends -- when it really is not. But it's hard to argue with lived experiences, so large gulfs in that area usually mean people can't communicate effectively. Especially since they don't want to discuss the math.
>> There's... literally no space for you, if you say, for example: "Mental sex isn't changeable or formable. <<
In my observation, matters of sex and gender are static for most people but malleable for some. This statement almost always starts an argument no matter which group I'm with at the time.
>> And "gender" is something different than the neuropsychological embodiment of one's sex inside one's brain." - even if you harbor that position from being affected yourself. All over the place, it's just "gender" here and "gender" there... But "gender" isn't one's mental sex. And one's mental sex isn't something to play around with like some (I think: inexperienced) people want to make believe. <<
Well, sex/gender stuff is complicated, because there are so many variables. Since most of those variables tend to manifest together in a limited number of patterns most of the time, people tend to conflate them. You have to read very widely to encounter examples where they diverge and can be distinguished. I would be interested in hearing your definitions in this area, especially the distinction between mental sex and gender.
Based on my explorations:
Physical sex actually breaks down into a bunch of things that usually but not always align: chromosomes, hormones, brain configuration, genitals, etc. Disagreements among these aspects can create unexpected or ambiguous body shapes and feelings.
Gender is an innate identity, which is somewhat but not wholly influenced by the various aspects of body and also by society, personality, in some cases otherlife memories, and so on.
Mostly people clump together and have similar experiences. But some are uncommon or unique, and that's okay. It is not okay for people to pick on someone for having different identity or experiences.
See, this is the kind of conversation I like to get into while other people are talking about television or whatever.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 09:30 am (UTC)In that point, I wouldn't have so many concerns as I'm not the one to decline the invitation to a dance (call that "old instincts").
But things you got on your radar are finances, logistics and so on - and possible future logistics that may emerge along the timeline, like having to go to a new specialist.
Ts... Those two are already problems in my case.
And not just the only two.
Very recently, I wrote a piece in my journal on that topic: https://matrixmann.dreamwidth.org/262809.html
The TL;DR-Version: There's physical sex, there's mental sex, and then there's gender.
The first is the visible physical manifestion - the "fleshly" part, so to say.
Mental sex is the neuropsychological embodiment of this - in short: The conviction inside of your head which sex you belong to. Also, the instintice ways you behave that people didn't teach you, but which come out of your all by themselves. (That is predetermined by the shower of hormones inside your mothers body; when you "come out" - get born -, this quantity is already determined. Living is just the process to make it unfold to what this quantity had been set in you.)
"Gender" is the role you decide to take yourself when being among other humans.
This can be anything that you want, anything that your character qualifies you for. Gender doesn't exist outside of human society.
The common mistake people make between "mental sex" and "gender" is because there once was a pedophile "scientist" called John Money who did experiments with humans (the "David Reimer case") who was convicted that sex identity is something that you raise a person into. So to say, in the 50s and 60s where he became the guru about the topic "sex identity", he was a popular slave to the fallacy that babies get born "blank" - and everything they become is just a result of outside input after birth.
Not only that this has been proven to be scientifically wrong meanwhile - babies do get born with a legacy of the brains of their parents; this contains talents, cognitive weaknesses, predispositions to mental problems, temperament, sometimes even strong prevalent character traits etc. -, I do seriously wonder why, after all those decades, still the whole social sciences world, especially the part that is ideologically dominated from the US, clings to this conviction of John Money as well as the terms he coined. Why they haven't moved any step further and still spread this proven nonsense. Why they haven't made the cognitive step yet to differentiate between a neurological embodiment of sex in one's brain and the social roles one picks.
I think I can sum this up pretty well: If biological and mental (neuropsychological) sex don't match, then this is like you have the wrong manual for a technical device you must/want to operate.
As the neuropsychological part can't be changed anymore (unless maybe very, very unhealthy lobotomy - and even that bears no guarantee), you've got to choose the option "hand the correct device that fits the manual".
That is the part of "body modification".
(I must admit, discussions in this sector are hard to do with people in English as it's so poisoned with the speech that Money coined; so people often don't really understand when you pick a different wording and why and that this is not born from intolerance or a convervative misunderstanding of the topic.
I think I myself may be still at the very beginning to use a wording that puts the records straight, but due to being a native in German, I think this is doable. German has a good orginal set of words for this topic section, so... just let's have a look if you can implement this into English similarly in linguistic meaning.)
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 12:34 am (UTC)I'm attached to my hometown. I've been all over it on the bus by the time I was 16; I've driven all over it. I'm attached to the geography and the streets, the neighborhoods and the buildings. The swell of the hills and the sweep of the river, the traffic, the train horns, the birdsong, the trees everywhere and the restaurants and bars.
Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 12:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 12:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 12:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 01:07 am (UTC)...I think, to me, "feeling home" isn't dependent on a certain place, but rather "Who is in that place?".
Meaning, the social groups and the individual people matter more to me.
(Technically, you can erect a tent in every forksaken place of the earth - as long as you have "you people" with you, and surviving is somewhat secured, even the material poverty doesn't appear as drastic.)
Yes ...
Date: 2020-10-01 01:16 am (UTC)Re: Yes ...
Date: 2020-10-01 08:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 01:35 am (UTC)Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 02:41 am (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 02:57 am (UTC)Re: Thoughts
Date: 2020-10-01 03:18 am (UTC)Alas!
>> I tend to leave rather than fix things in relationships. <<
Well, part of that is fixable. Relationship skills, like other people skills, are learned. While it is harder to learn them outside the developmental window, progress can still be made. This would give you more options in maintaining good relationships -- and make it easier to recognize bad ones that you should indeed leave at top speed. Some things you might explore:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201504/do-you-have-these-21-essential-relationship-skills
https://www.wikihow.com/Build-Healthy-Interpersonal-Relationships
http://blog.thempowergroup.com/2016/07/14/the-20-people-skills-you-need-to-succeed-period/
https://www.wikihow.com/Have-Great-People-Skills
The ones I have found most valuable include concrete apology and validation.
>> Self-knowledge is valuable, at least.<<
This is true.
Some relationship skills grow out of self-knowledge. For instance, you have to know what you're feeling and what you want before you can communicate these to someone else. Put the bottom rungs on the ladder by making sure you know this stuff first, before complicating it by adding other people.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 08:28 am (UTC)I have to say it like that from a psychological point.
(no subject)
Date: 2020-10-01 11:50 pm (UTC)