ysabetwordsmith | Hard Things

From:

I reached out to a family member to make plans to see them in a couple weeks. I've not been turning down my suitemate friend when they ask me to walk with them to get food or take something to their car. And I'm posting here. Is that allowed to count? I've been doing the isolating myself because I feel lonely thing again and while this isn't quite what I need it's me being slightly more social. I have so many class projects due in the future, and a check in with a teacher coming up (there will be crying on my part, I'm so behind and freaking out and I always end up crying at these things when it gets this bad, I really don't want to cry in front of my teacher). I keep getting awful headaches and I need to fix my sleep schedule and drink more water and I'm so stressed. Oh, and room inspections are next week, and people aren't doing their dishes or taking out trash or ANYTHING, seriously, the kitchen is a disaster, I've been avoiding cooking since I got back from Spring Break because it's so bad, and there's a new suitemate who I don't have the contact info for, and loud things keep happening at night, and I can't concentrate enough for calming reading, and there are spiders in my room and my reaction to mosquito bites is bad enough I don't want to know how my body reacts to spider bites, and I need to send a package and long overdue letter to my little aunt, and I've never sent a package before, I don't even know where the post office is, and I was sick over Spring Break and never stopped feeling off, and I keep shaking and people keep noticing, and just everything. Everything is hard.

From:

gingicat

Posting here about what’s going on is indeed a hard thing and you should be proud of it.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>>I reached out to a family member to make plans to see them in a couple weeks.<<

Go you!

>> Is that allowed to count? <<

Everything that feels hard to someone is fair game for this. It counts.

>>I keep getting awful headaches and I need to fix my sleep schedule and drink more water and I'm so stressed.<<

That does not sound good. :( A lot of people burn themselves out on school nowadays, ruin their physical and/or mental health. Consider whether there's anything you could do to lighten the load. It's no use cramming classes into your schedule if your body keels over and you have to drop out.

Meanwhile, there are printable and mobile trackers that help people get enough sleep, water, and other needs met. For some folks, this is enough to get them organized, and then they feel better so they can tackle other stuff.

https://i.etsystatic.com/16955506/r/il/1e41be/1502548416/il_794xN.1502548416_532f.jpg
https://www.etsy.com/listing/591154230/printable-weekly-planner-instant

https://images.sampletemplates.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/10174212/Printable-Daily-Planner-Worksheet.jpg

https://zapier.com/blog/best-fitness-tracking-apps/

>>I was sick over Spring Break and never stopped feeling off, and I keep shaking and people keep noticing, and just everything. Everything is hard.<<

Those sound like signs of burnout too.

https://stress.lovetoknow.com/Student_Burnout

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm/

It sucks when just getting through the day feels like running a marathon. I hope things get better for you soon.

From:

gingicat

Also, does your school have mental health counseling? If so, it’s worth looking into. The counselors have experience with simultaneous academic and residential stress.

From:

caera_ash

From what I understand they aren't really set up to deal with people long term - they're more for crisis moments or getting referrals to someone off campus. There's a website that I get a free account on with exercises and things, and some of the those work for me, at least in the moment, but it's not the same. I need to be more social, because a big part of this is definitely loneliness and really needing a hug but getting to the point where I'm that comfortable with someone usually takes months and is stressful on its own in the interim.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> From what I understand they aren't really set up to deal with people long term - they're more for crisis moments or getting referrals to someone off campus.<<

Sadly, that's typical. Very little non-emergency mental care is available. Naturally that runs up the number of emergencies and cases that can no longer be fixed. >_<

>> I need to be more social, because a big part of this is definitely loneliness and really needing a hug but getting to the point where I'm that comfortable with someone usually takes months and is stressful on its own in the interim.<<

Yeah, that's a challenge. More and more people feel lonely, because families have gone from extended to nuclear to ones or twos. :/ Fewer people belong to churches or social clubs, they change jobs, and they move from place to place. All of that erodes connections.

This turns out to be very unhealthy for humans, both psychologically and physically. Loneliness kills people; it is as dangerous as obesity or smoking. Just being around random people isn't enough; people can feel lonely in a crowd if there is no close connection.

Some resources on dealing with loneliness:

https://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Loneliness

https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Feeling-Lonely

https://www.wikihow.com/Not-Get-Depressed-by-Loneliness

https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Loneliness-When-Surrounded-by-People

Ways to connect with people:

https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends

https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends-as-an-Adult

https://www.wikihow.com/Develop-a-Close-Relationship-with-Someone-New

https://www.wikihow.com/Get-More-Intimate-Without-Having-Sex

https://www.wikihow.com/Build-Healthy-Interpersonal-Relationships

Some forms of direct action can reduce loneliness.

Watch for friendship benches in your area. If you don't see any, propose establishing some. They are becoming more common in schools, parks, and other public places.

Go to, or host, a cuddle party. Some people feel fine cuddling with strangers, while others prefer to attend several such events and just chat with people before making closer contact.

Some people find a support group helpful.

Volunteering is a way to help yourself by helping others.

Here are some other resources.

Some of these take more energy than others. It's hard to connect when you feel exhausted and cranky. Try to find opportunities that don't wear you out too much.

What we really need are more low-pressure, no-cost opportunities to socialize and make friends. Expecting lonely people to create these is really harsh.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I hope you find more connections soon.

From:

we_are_spc

That's why I liked my florida school; they had long term counsellours. It helped that most of the students lived there, though.

Harrison college, though, it was the same way. Every five sessions you had to renew it, otherwise it ended. Sometimes short term isn't enough. I really believe every college should have long term solutions, especially residential ones.

-Fallon~

From:

we_are_spc

So many sympathies. I feel you. So much. Especially about the isolation. I do that too...

Ug, suitemates. They're fun when you get good ones, but most times the bad ones are horrid.

-Fallon~

From:

kaixo

I bite them on and off, and circa 2017, I was great , and then fell off. I am trying to get back into the habit of stop biting my nails. I normally bite my nails when I'm thinking about something, or just really sleepy. So yeah, that's about it, really. It isn't even about vanity, as much as biting my fingernails to the quick just makes my fingers hurt. And I'm tired of hurting, even if it's by my own hand (or teeth, in this case).

D'oh, wrong place, sorry!

Edited Date: 2019-04-18 06:02 pm (UTC)

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Don't worry too much about placement.

I'm sorry a bad habit is bothering you. Some people find it helpful to cover their fingertips while working on the longer-term effort to get rid of a bad habit. Others get relief from fidgets. But it depends a lot on why you bite your nails. If you can't stand ragged edges, keeping a file handy may work better.

From:

caera_ash

I too have the nail biting habit. The only thing I've found that helps is keeping them clipped really really short.

From:

quartzwolf

Still dealing with the continued stress of my long term partner's mental health issues, and the newfound stress of dealing with professionals who seem to have their own idea of how things are, when they aren't the people who live with things every day. Currently the insomnia is bad, which means my sleeping pattern is also not great - and being self employed on top of that makes it all so much harder. Last night was a bad night. I'm absolutely shattered, mentally and physically, but doing my best to hold it all together. Our finances aren't doing great right now either, as he can't work, so it's all on my shoulders, and I'm definitely feeling that one physically. My shoulders are basically one big knot of stress.

I do have my website up and running again, with both a ko-fi account and a Patreon connected to it. Everything helps right now, especially as I'm not certain when he'll be able to get back to work and how likely it is we'll be able to get financial help from the government.

From:

gingicat

I wish your partner better health. I’ve been on the inside of that, and I’m amazed that I am still married.

Has he applied for SSDI? If he’s been turned down, he can reapply. Most people are turned down the first time.

If there is a mild exercise that works for you, make time for it; mine is walking. Another thing I do is to listen to Says You! on their mobile app. It’s a delightful radio show centered around wordplay. I play video games while listening as it helps me focus on it.

From:

quartzwolf

Thank you. I appreciate it.

We're in the UK, so it's a little different here, and having looking into it there is a chance him still having some savings may complicate things. That's something to check with someone who knows more, however.

From:

gingicat

Is there some sort of program where the money could be held in trust for him?

Good luck!

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> Still dealing with the continued stress of my long term partner's mental health issues, <<

That's hard.

>> and the newfound stress of dealing with professionals who seem to have their own idea of how things are, when they aren't the people who live with things every day.<<

They're basically trained not to listen. It is a serious problem, and sometimes gets people killed. If you have the ability to select caregivers, look for ones using "client-centered" practices.

>> Currently the insomnia is bad, which means my sleeping pattern is also not great <<

That makes everything worse. :(

>> I do have my website up and running again, with both a ko-fi account and a Patreon connected to it.<<

Yay!

>> how likely it is we'll be able to get financial help from the government. <<

Probably not. They're trying to ditch everyone at this point.

From:

gatheringrivers

look for ones using "client-centered" practices.

Ohhhh that's good to know. Any other "green flags" that should be looked for?

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Client-centered care:

https://www.healthcareglobal.com/hospitals/top-10-patient-centered-care-guiding-principles

https://www.oneviewhealthcare.com/the-eight-principles-of-patient-centered-care/

https://www.simplypsychology.org/client-centred-therapy.html

Trauma-informed care:

https://www.samhsa.gov/samhsaNewsLetter/Volume_22_Number_2/trauma_tip/guiding_principles.html

http://www.chcs.org/media/ATC_whitepaper_040616.pdf

Client bill of rights:

https://www.healthsourceglobal.com/docs/Patient%20Bill%20of%20Rights_merged.pdf

Bear in mind that no matter what it says on paper, in reality you have only the rights you can defend with force whether physical, financial, legal, or otherwise. The health system depends on routinely violating people's rights and it quickly becomes violent in the face of any resistance. Individual providers may be ethical and helpful, but the system structure is abusive.

With this in mind, you may wish to print out the above pages or similar principles and ask people if they abide by those. Anyone advertising things like client-centered or trauma-informed care is promising. But a lot of places have had it foisted on them by overseers, don't agree with it, and thus don't really do it even though they say they do. It's all but impossible to find caregivers who will take "no" for an answer, address concerns effectively, answer questions accurately, and so on. I wish you luck.

From:

gingicat

Currently praying that I can get my kids the out-of-district school placements that each of them need.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

I hope it works out. The system insists on imprisoning children in schools, but often it only pretends to educate them. Those who need something other than the spam-average are routinely shortchanged, and sometimes that's a very serious problem.

From:

gingicat

Well, I am wholly incapable of teaching even homework (where it becomes obvious that older child simultaneously understands and doesn’t understand the same math problem), so the Best For Them school is what we’re looking for.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Some kids have very special needs. I'm really not in favor of dumping them all in the same can with a half-baked curriculum and teachers who are trained for neither gifted nor impaired students. I hope you find a school that can meet their needs.

From:

readera

Allergies have been making me cough for at least a week with no signs slowing down.

Work is super busy & stressful. Lots of changes in procedure that make it hard to meet goals.

From:

gingicat

Best wishes to you on both fronts.

From:

readera

Thanks. :)

From:

jtthomas

Four essays all due in the next couple weeks, one today though I may turn it in late. Currently fighting to get through the theatre show, which runs until Saturday and is exhausting. After that, have to deal with family because Easter.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

Ugh, not fun.

From:

we_are_spc

My brain. Someone give me cute animal sounds, stories...anything?

I have therapy today, blurg. (Usually it's OK but my brainweasles are a lot to handle right now.)

I woke up feeling like a useless lump (Not true, I know it's not) and wondering when my roommies are going to lose patience with me.

...

QWhich they won't unless I do something stupidly idiotic. Especially since they know the med situation.

It didn't help that I had no sleep last night so slept through half the morning (One of my annoyances right now) so I lost the several hours I wanted to have before my 2:00 o'clock appointment to clean up around this place. :(

-Fallon~

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> My brain. Someone give me cute animal sounds, stories...anything? <<

Meeping otters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFqeWTfVi3I

And some other videos
https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexnaidus/cute-animal-videos-that-will-turn-any-day-around

From:

caera_ash

Kitten livestream:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZtC9oQoHfY

From:

mama_kestrel

About 10 days ago we found out that Mom's cancer is back, and this time is growing in a direction that will cause serious problems if nothing is done. So Friday she had a port put in, and Monday she started a chemo & radiation regimen. At 85 with bad kidneys, she is not a candidate for surgery, and apparently her docs are worried enough about how she'll tolerate treatment that the oncologist's nurse is calling me to check on her daily. I was not expecting that, but I'm glad they're being so careful of her. This is a tremendous time commitment for me - not just driving her there and back, but things like cleaning both her and the bathroom after yesterday's bathroom debacle.

She has to get chemo via a pump rather than pills, because her kidneys can't tolerate the pills. That means she is reminded of what's going on continually. But with her dementia, I find myself explaining daily - again - why we're doing this instead of surgery, why doing nothing isn't an option (the cancer will block her rectum entirely in a matter of weeks if not treated), and often what kind of cancer she has and why she can't just have surgery to remove it and be done. She doesn't remember the 2 weeks she spent in the hospital last fall, nor the 6 weeks after that she spent in rehab. She doesn't remember that the surgeon already removed as much of the cancer as he could in the fall, and that it didn't take care of the problem. Every day is a new round of "when did I get cancer? Where is it? Why can't they just take it out?" and so on. I explain it all again as if it were a whole new thing, because to her it is, but it is very hard to stay patient through the repetitions. I know she's not doing it to be maddening any more than a toddler is, but it is maddening none the less.

My friends are doing what they can, checking in with me and just letting me know they're there, but none of them can pick up the physical aspects of this. Not even the driving - none of them are in town. This is one of those things for which the only way out is through, but that road through seems to be made of nothing but axle-breaking potholes.

Edited (typo) Date: 2019-04-17 10:05 pm (UTC)

From:

zeeth_kyrah

I'd like to offer prayer for her and you.

From:

mama_kestrel

Thank you. I (and she) would appreciate it.

From:

we_are_spc

I am so sorry. So many sympathies. So far as the dementia is concerned. Dealing with cancer on top of that, *hugs you so much*

I wish I were closer so one of us could at least smooth the muscles a bit. (And you're one of the luckies who knows how good we are, :d)

Many good thoughts, Momma!

-Fallon&Crew~

From:

mama_kestrel

Thank you all. I do have a good massage therapist where I am - I just don't have time to see her right now.

From:

librarygeek

I'm adding Mi Sheiberach to my Seder tonight. I will add you and yours. HUGS, Mama! :-(

From:

mama_kestrel

Hugs back, and thank you! Mom's Hebrew name is Yaffa bat Natan v'Riva.

From: (Anonymous)

I've sold some of my things, and have some saved for my future sister-in-law. I hope to take some e-waste to a store that recycles it and to give away a goodbye present an ex gave to me to someone else: an enormous bear, too big to normally ship, will go to a friend's kiddo.

I hope this will help, I don't hate or miss the guy, but the early sexual experiences impacted on me (wouldn't stop when I was hurt on multiple times, acted like my problems there were mine only, kept doing stuff when I was age-regressed from stress) and I'm having problems there now when I get stressed. I don't think he really cared about what I wanted, even the present wasn't something he asked me about. I felt disappointed and wasn't sure why at the time as I love plushies. There was nothing 'me' about it: not a fandom I told him I liked (I liked it as a child, but not on my mind as an adult), not in a favourite colour, not an experience where I got to go with him and choose. I would have liked that. I didn't even have a car, so taking it home was a bugger on the train. He even picked it because the character had a habit of saying 'oh bother' when things went wrong but nothing more. That bothered me, funnily enough.

There's a lot I regret about that relationship and there's shame too as I had to keep it secret as my family hated him. They were also jerks at the time, he at least didn't want to bully me/use me as a counselor and tax dodge. We're better now as my parents are living apart. Many unhealthy patterns in my life at that time were hard to recognize because he dismissed them, like having the wrong job for my needs and going to the wrong university course. I bought dresses but there was nowhere to go to. I did acting as an extra in hope for praise and nude modeling for that and money. I wanted appreciation so badly. It's awful to think I could have been sexually abused- it's ambiguous, but he was an inconsiderate arsewipe. I'm glad I have a boyfriend that cares for me and my family accepts now.
But the toy deserves better than to be thrown out or left on my bookshelf and charities can't take enormous toys.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

>> I've sold some of my things, and have some saved for my future sister-in-law. I hope to take some e-waste to a store that recycles it and to give away a goodbye present an ex gave to me to someone else: an enormous bear, too big to normally ship, will go to a friend's kiddo. <<

Go you! That's good progress.

>> wouldn't stop when I was hurt on multiple times, acted like my problems there were mine only, kept doing stuff when I was age-regressed from stress <<

If someone hurts you without your consent, it's assault; if they do sex things when you are not in the frame of mind where you can consent, it is sexual assault.

>>I don't think he really cared about what I wanted<<

That sounds plausible. It sucks. :(

>>They were also jerks at the time, he at least didn't want to bully me/use me as a counselor and tax dodge.<<

>_< What a mess.

>> Many unhealthy patterns in my life at that time were hard to recognize because he dismissed them <<

I have found Out of the Fog useful in identifying harmful traits and ways to address problems.

>> It's awful to think I could have been sexually abused- it's ambiguous, but he was an inconsiderate arsewipe. <<

If you said stop and someone didn't stop, or they manipulated you into sex, or they hurt you, that's sexual abuse.

>> I'm glad I have a boyfriend that cares for me and my family accepts now.<<

That's good.

>>But the toy deserves better than to be thrown out or left on my bookshelf <<

Agreed.

From:

erulisse

I'm having a Scheduling Issue at work and am /this close/ to telling them where they can put the few hours they /are/ giving me.

And I'm pretty sad about it because I used to actually like this job.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

It sucks when a good job goes bad. :(

Consider looking for something better.

From:

erulisse

What I really need to do is put in my notice. I'd been waffling about it but I'm going to be starting my (unpaid, unfortunately) social work internship at the beginning of June and we think we can maybe-probably get by on my financial aid and what my partner is bringing in. It does mean giving up the hefty discount on groceries that I currently get and the PTO I would accrue if I could hold out another six weeks though.

From:

ysabetwordsmith

If you have an exit in sight, then it may make sense to stick it out until then for the sake of benefits listed.

Consider whether you need a break from this bullshit before starting your internship though. What shape will you be in if you go right from a bad job to the internship?

Also look at your health. If staying is merely unpleasant, it may be worthwhile; but if it's making you sick, or starts to do that later, it's probably not.

Messy, complicated situation. :(

The Writing & Other Projects of Elizabeth Barrette

Links

Page Summary

Active Entries

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags