ysabetwordsmith | Poem: "Where You Begin to Learn New Things" (Reply)

This poem is spillover from the January 2, 2018 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from

gingicat. It also fills the "Rites of Passage / Coming of Age" square in my 1-3-18 card for the

trope_bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by

daisiesrockalot. It follows "Disorientation and Reorientation" and "Where You Begin to Heal" in the Polychrome Heroics series, so read that one first.

Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the warnings, some of which are spoilers. It features a visit to a (very nice) hospital for an appointment with a sex/gender specialist, a delayed schedule due to staff issues (which is handled well), a refugee nurse retrainee, an intersex doctor, a lot of frank sex/gender talk, explicit medical details, discussion of how to respect boundaries for minors who need sex/gender care, anxiety, trust issues due to past malpractice and abuse, relationship-balancing techniques, lingering effects of touch starvation, examples of past abuse, which is now making medical care a lot harder to manage, intrusive memories, shower room issues, and other angst. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.

"Where You Begin to Learn New Things"

Riley was still moderately relaxed
when they pulled into the parking lot
of the Triquetra Trauma Center.

Behind a plaza dotted with young trees,
one wing of the building was mostly glass
and the other a smooth facade of brown stone.

Inside, the atrium was light and airy. It even had
an art gallery in one section, with a few statues
and rows of paintings. Most of them featured
landscapes or animals, while others had people.

"Why's there an art gallery in a hospital?"
Riley asked, staring at the display.

"Healing art," Dr. G murmured as they
walked past. "Oh, that's a lovely lilac garden.
Nature scenes help people to relax and
recover faster from illness or injury."

When they reached the right reception desk,
though, the receptionist said, "I'm sorry, but
several of our staff members are out sick today,
so we're running about twenty minutes behind.
Would you prefer to wait it out, or reschedule
your slot for a more convenient time?"

Riley grumbled under thon's breath,
filling out a nametag with pronouns.
It was bad enough to get stuck with
two appointments in one day, and they
couldn't even bother to be on time?

"We don't have anything else scheduled
today, so we'll wait," said Dr. G. "Thanks
for giving us an estimate of the time."

"We appreciate your patience, gentlemen,"
the receptionist said. "Feel free to choose
an item each from our concrete apology baskets.
There are magazines and other materials on
the tables and in the spinner racks."

While Dr. G signed papers,
Riley looked over the baskets.
The toys weren't very interesting,
but the gift cards certainly were.

"Find anything?" Dr. G asked,
coming over to look at them.

"Yeah," Riley said, as he took
the Gap card. "My current wardrobe
consists of a common capsule and
a couple of extras. This'll help."

"Good choice," Dr. G said, then
nabbed the Pier 1 Imports card.
"This one looks promising."

"Waiting sucks, but at least we
get something back," Riley said.

"That's the point," Dr. G said.
"Since we have some time to kill,
let's get lunch now. There's a café."

It wasn't a very big café, but it
had a nice selection. Dr. G got
the Mediterranean Snack Box and
cherry mango juice, while Riley
got the West Coast Snack Box
and ginger carrot juice.

Riley started munching on
the kale chips and grapes while
looking for something to do.

Magazines covered the tables
with a thick layer of colorful titles.

Riley discarded Act Up! and
Health News Weekly before leafing
through Comfort Food and Edible Health.

"They have Cope on a Rope," Dr. G said,
holding up a set of cards on a string.

By then Riley had found Triskelion,
a mind-body-spirit magazine with news,
articles, and exercises in a Celtic flavor.
"Thanks, but I'm good," thon said.

"Oh, look at this," Dr. G said,
peering at an e-reader. "They have
a subscription from something called
the Santa Cruz Storytellers Association."

"They're not bad," Riley said absently.
"I've read some of their stuff before.
They're soup-friendly, or at least,
they have some photos and articles
about West Coast soups like Conari
and Saltation. You should try it."

"I believe I will," Dr. G said,
settling the e-reader on his knee.

Riley found a cool article about
how to make a Stonehenge terrarium,
and slowly read through that while
eating lunch with thon's other hand.

It showed pictures of the supplies,
setting up the terrarium itself,
preparing the replica pieces,
then putting it all together.

Sidebars even listed plants
and mosses suitable for terraria.

It made a pleasant distraction
from the stress of waiting.

Riley heard thon's named called
and looked up to see a nurse
wearing long teal scrubs with a veil
instead of a regular face mask.

On the chest under her nametag,
she wore a square patch that read,
Pakistani Refugee -- Nurse Retrainee.
Her emotions felt cheerful, though.

Riley remembered his houseparents
talking about how refugees were asked
what they could do, and then given
help if they needed to requalify for
a license under American standards.

Thon knew what it was like to get
pulled up by the roots, and it sucked.

"Welcome to America," Riley said as they
followed the nurse toward an exam room.

"Oh, thank you!" the nurse said.
"My name is Khalida. I feel very lucky
to work here, because Dr. Nath speaks
my language, Urdu. I am learning
more English, but it is hard."

"English class is hard for me too,
and I grew up speaking it!" Riley said.
"I think that your scrubs look neat."

"At home I wear al-amira or
even hijab, that leave my face free,"
said Khalida. "But when Dr. Nath
showed me the scrub set, I thought
that this niqab looked much nicer
than a face mask, so I wear it at work."

"I agree with you," Dr. G said.
"It's more cultural and less clinical.
I bet it smoothes patient interactions."

"It does," Khalida said, smiling
so much that Riley could see
the corners of her eyes crinkle.

"How are you settling in?"
Dr. G asked as Khalida let them
into one of the exam rooms.

"My family have been refugees
since 1947! We are quite used to it,"
she said. "Here I can help other refugees,
so that makes me feel good. Settling ...
I don't know that I will, it's not our way."

"That's perfectly fine," Dr. G said.
"We have travelers here too -- I know
some who work at Renaissance faires."

"That sounds nice," Khalida said, then turned
to Riley and tapped a finger her patch. "I trained
as a nurse back in Pakistan, and some things here
are very different, so I am retraining. For now,
I only do very basic things. If you let me do
the pre-checkup for you, then I get practice,
and you can score me afterwards. Yes?"

"Yes," Riley said. "I'm happy to help."

So they went through the little routine
of weighing and measuring and pulse-taking,
and Khalida was very meticulous about
asking every time before touching.

It didn't feel as bad as usual,
because she treated Riley
like a person instead of a thing.

It was even a little bit fun
listening to Khalida chatter
and learning about her family.

"How did I do?" she said at the end,
handing him her tablet computer.
"Choose a face, and there is space for
comments if you touch the pencil button."

Riley chose the happiest face, then wrote,
I like that Khalida is careful about boundaries.
Having a refugee nurse makes me feel like
she understands hard experiences.

Then Riley handed the tablet back
to her. "Thank you," thon said.
"That wasn't too bad at all."

"I am happy to hear that," Khalida said.
"I will let Dr. Nath know you're ready."

Riley kicked thon's heels against
the base of the exam bed, then
jumped down to look out the window
in the peach wall beside the sink.

"It's natural to feel nervous," Dr. G said.
"Everything will be okay, though."

"I hope so," Riley said. Thon flopped
into the chair beside Dr. G and huddled
against the older man for comfort.

"Dr. Nath does very good work
according to the intersex community,
and I have booked plenty of time today,
so there is no rush and no pressure,"
Dr. G said as he draped an arm around
Riley and gave thon a reassuring hug.

There came a knock, and the door opened
to admit a woman with tinted skin and
long dark hair. She had a strong nose
and full lips. Her bold coloring
contrasted with her white coat.

"Hello," she said. "I'm Dr. Aafia Nath.
I'm a tiresiologist, which is a doctor
who deals with sex and gender stuff.
I'm also intersex myself -- I have
Progestin Induced Virilization --
so I understand what it's like."

"Pleased to meet you," said Dr. G.
"I'm Graham Finn. You can call me
Graham or Dr. G, whichever you like."

"Uh ... hi. I'm Riley," thon said.
"I don't know that much about my body
yet, except what the healer said earlier.
My parents lied to me until recently."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dr. Nath said,
sitting down to put herself on Riley's level.
"I hope that we can work together today
to clear up some of that confusion."

Riley shrugged. "I guess."

"According to the records that
Dr. G provided, you have had
a lot of unhappy experiences
with doctors, so I'm going to try
to make up for that," said Dr. Nath.

"Yeah, they don't treat me like a person.
It's like I'm not even real to them," Riley said.
"They just treat me like a piece of meat."

"I won't," Dr. Nath promised. "Now, my job
involves a lot of sex talk and pictures and
some touching. That's embarrassing for
most people, and more so for teenagers.
It is never okay to force anyone to talk
about sex or look at naked pictures."

"Tell that to my parents," Riley said bitterly,
"and all the other doctors I've seen."

Dr. Nath gave Dr. G a sharp look.
"That's abuse, and malpractice."

Dr. G sighed and said, "That's part of
why Riley is separated from thon's parents.
We're still looking into relevant charges."

"I think I need to be involved with that,"
Dr. Nath said. "I can document how
those offenses have made it harder
for Riley to seek medical care, and
harder for me to do my job. Riley,
is that okay with you, or not?"

Riley blinked, caught off guard
by someone asking thon's opinion.

"It would mean sharing more information
with Dr. Nath, but she's right, she can
definitely help with your cases against
your parents and doctors," said Dr. G.
"She can probably help you overcome
the hard feelings from that, along with
what you and I are already doing."

"That would be ... nice," Riley said.
"I want them to pay for what they did
to me, but mostly I want to be able
to walk into a waiting room without
starting to freak out about it."

"You liked what Brett did for you
with his healing," Dr. G reminded thon.

"Yeah, that was awesome," Riley said,
smiling at the fond memory. "He just
touched me, and the fear went away."

"That's good," Dr. Nath said. "I can't
do that, but I can do other things. I know
some great techniques for coping with
fear and pain. I can also prescribe things
to soothe your mind and body, or fix
your hormones if they're out of balance.
Your psychiatrist might have ideas, too."

Dr. G wavered a hand in the air.
"We're saving psychoactive drugs for
a last resort. I think Riley's body has
enough to deal with already, without
tampering with it like that," he said.
"Fortunately, getting Riley away from
thon's birth parents has helped a lot
with mood, so I think we're doing okay."

"Yeah, it's better than it was, but I
still don't know how long I can last,"
Riley said. "If I really have a choice."

"You absolutely have choices," said Dr. Nath.
"If at any time you feel uncomfortable, then you
can tell me to stop or you can leave the room.
You may sit in the lobby, or visit the quiet room
across the hall from here near the bathrooms."

Riley fidgeted, then tucked thon's hands
between thon's knees. Nobody had ever
said thon could leave before, let alone
given directions to a safe place for it!

"We are quite serious about this,"
Dr. G said. "Respecting consent and
boundaries is important with anyone, but
especially with abuse survivors. I made sure
to choose caregivers for you who have studied
trauma-informed care, so they won't hurt you."

"You really don't mind if I wind up running
out of here?" Riley said, looking at the door.

"We don't mind," Dr. G assured him.
"I would just follow a safe distance behind
to make sure you didn't get lost or hurt."

Riley heaved a sigh. "Thanks. That helps."
Thon shifted in the seat, making it creak.
"I um ... what about touching? Because I
hate being grabbed and pushed around, and
I don't like crowds of people staring at me."

"Crowds?" Dr. G said with a deep frown.

"Doctors learn by looking and doing, so
sometimes interns watch a doctor work,"
Dr. Nath said. "However, they're obligated
to get consent first. Riley, even if your parents
agreed to that viewing, it's not okay if it felt
like sexual abuse to you. There are laws."

"I guess," Riley said. It had never made
any difference before. Maybe now it would.

"If all we manage to do today is talk, that's
perfectly okay," Dr. Nath said. "It would limit
some of what I can do for you, is all. Because
of the discomfort you've reported, we are facing
some time constraints that I usually don't have,
but it's not an emergency. It's better to take
time to build trust than to wreck our relationship
before we've even gotten started with it."

Riley rubbed both hands over thon's arms.
"Can we maybe ... work up to the touching?"
thon said. "I'm really not smooth with that."

"Of course," Dr. Nath said. "Why don't we
get to know each other a little first? That way
it's not as scary as dealing with a stranger."

"Yeah," Riley said. Thon lowered
the shields just a little to peek at her,
to see if she was really telling the truth.

She was -- and there was just a hint
of apprehension hidden underneath
the professional front. Dr. Nath was
nervous about meeting a new person,
then having to do intimate things so soon.

"Maybe just talk for a while?" Riley said.
"About something that's not horrible."

"Gladly," said Dr. Nath. "Let me tell you
about my home. My family and I just moved
into a new place called Pocketstan. That is
a pocket neighborhood with seven houses
plus a common building, and all the families
there are Pakistani. The houses cluster
around a central yard that slopes down
to a private beach with a wooden deck."

"That sounds pretty," Riley said.
"I like the beach. My houseparents
take us there pretty often. They say
it's good for us to get outside and play."

"It is," Dr. Nath and Dr. G chorused.

Dr. G went on, "Nature play is
important for children, and adults
need time in green spaces too, or
else they tend to get depressed."

"That's why we moved," Dr. Nath said.
"I have two children, a boy and a girl. They
needed room to play, and their own bedrooms --
it's hard on a brother and sister to share that.
So they have the two upstairs rooms, while
my husband and I have the master. Ours is
the yellow house at the end of the row."

She pulled out her smartphone and
showed Riley snapshots of the house,
the neighborhood, and the beach.

"We have a hiking trail that connects
to the main road which goes past
the Western Edge Farm, which is
our community supported agriculture,"
said Dr. Nath, showing more pictures.
"Then there's the community clinic,
Central Market, the bakery, and the pub --
all within a short bicycle ride from home."

"It's a nice neighborhood," Riley said.
"I moved into the St. Elmo Sankofa Home.
I really like my new housefamily, but it's
kind of crowded there sometimes."

"That's what the beach is for, and
all the trips to parks and museums,"
Dr. G said gently. "Ellen knows
how hard it can be to live with lots
of people, even if you like them.
You need some elbow room too."

"Moving is always hard, even if you
need to and you like your new place,"
Dr. Nath said with a nod. "It felt like
we were unpacking for months!"

"Yeah, I remember," Riley said.
"I had do that before, but this time
I didn't bring much with me. It's
okay, though, because I'm getting
new stuff that suits me better."

"That's good," said Dr. Nath.
"How are you feeling now, Riley?
A little more relaxed, or still tense?"

"Getting better," Riley said. "It helps that
you're not pushing me and you talk to me
like a real person. When I know stuff about
you, then it's easier to think of you as a lady
and not another doctor who'll jerk me around."

"That's good progress," Dr. Nath said
as she put her smartphone away.
"Do you want to try the easy parts of
an exam, or keep talking a while longer?"

"But I've already done that twice today,
with Brett and Khalida," Riley said.
"Didn't they tell you all that stuff?"

"Khalida did, because that's her job,"
Dr. Nath said. "I don't have anything
from your healer, though, because I
don't have permission yet. Would you
like to share those notes with me?"

"Yeah, that way we don't have
to repeat as much," Riley said.

"I'll get right on that," Dr. G said,
pulling out his smartphone. "I told
Brett that we'd like to exchange access
but it has to be Riley's decision too."

"Thanks. Brett said my hormones
were pretty messed up now and ...
some other stuff," Riley hedged.

"Now that's something I can fix,
before we even discuss surgery,"
Dr. Nath said with a smile. "I do
hormone adjustments all the time.
How do you feel about giving me
a blood sample? That would
show where you're at now and
what we need to change."

Riley tensed. "I can
live with it," thon said.

"Maybe so, but you just
coiled up like a watch spring,"
said Dr. Nath. "That's not what
we're trying to accomplish here."

"Yeah well, this isn't relaxing," Riley said.

"Give us a chance," Dr. G coaxed.
"We can't help if we don't know what's
bothering you. Once we do, then
we can work on it together."

"Would you like to learn a new trick?"
Dr. Nath asked, looking at Riley.

"Like what?" Riley said, narrowing
thon's eyes. Some of the things
people tried were really stupid.

"Have you ever heard of mudras?"
Dr. Nath said, leaning forward.

"No," Riley said with a head shake.

"Mudras are yoga for your hands,"
Dr. Nath said. "I know a set of four,
sometimes called Sa-Ta-Na-Ma,
that helps people focus and relax.
They're little finger poses, so you
can do them anywhere, and they
go well with breathing exercises."

Riley had enjoyed the unit of yoga they
did in gym at thon's old school, as well as
a Sankofa class. "Sure, I can try that."

"Begin with breathing," said Dr. Nath.
"Breathe in, slow and deep, for
a count of four. Then breathe out
for another four. Try it now."

Riley breathed in, trying to pull
the air down into thon's belly
like the yoga teacher had said.

"Very good!" said Dr. Nath.
"First comes the Gyan Mudra,
which is grounding and calming.
Touch your thumb and forefinger.
Press firmly, as if you are trying
to mash a pea between them."

Riley giggled. "Okay, I got it."

"Second, do the Shuni Mudra
for mindfulness and patience,"
said Dr. Nath. "Touch your
thumb to your middle finger.
Remember your breathing."

Riley followed the directions.
"Yeah, we did breathing in yoga."

"Oh, good," said Dr. Nath.
"That's called Pranayama Yoga.
It soothes pain and muscle tension,
and encourages self-acceptance."

"I think they called it Hatha in
gym class and ... um, Anusara
that time in Sankofa," said Riley.

"Probably so," said Dr. Nath.
"Pranayama is just yoga breathing,
so it combines with other styles."

"Like the mudras," Riley said.
"Show me the next one, please?"

"Third is the Prithvi Mudra,
for energy and self-assurance,"
said Dr. Nath. "Touch your
thumb to your ring finger."

Riley obeyed, letting the air
sigh softly in and out.

"Fourth is the Bhudy Mudra,
for feeling and intuition,"
said Dr. Nath. "Now put
your thumb on your pinkie."

The last breaths came and
went along with the pose.

"How do you feel?" said Dr. Nath.
"It is any different from before."

"Yeah, I feel kind of empty,
but refreshed," Riley said.

"Ah, wonderful!" said Dr. Nath.
"Some people don't feel anything
from mudras, most get a little, and
a few feel quite a lot of effect."

"It feels a lot like the body poses,"
Riley agreed. "But like you said,
it's smaller so it fits anywhere."

"Go through the whole set again
on your own," Dr. Nath suggested.
"Make sure that you've learned it."

The poses flowed through Riley's hand,
already feeling comfortable and familiar.

"You've got it," Dr. Nath said, giving
Riley a thumb's up. "If you want
to go ahead, roll up your sleeve."

Riley thought about it. Fixing
the hormone mess might help
with all the mood swings.

"Yeah," thon said,
rolling up a sleeve.

"Good job," Dr. G said,
and patted Riley on the knee.

Dr. Nath opened a drawer
to put her supplies on a tray.

Riley closed thon's eyes and
and tried not to tense up again.
Thon could hear the stool squeak
as Dr. Nath sat back down.

"You can keep your eyes closed
if that helps," she said. "However, if
you startle easily or have bad memories,
you might want to open them instead
and watch your own fingers."

Riley opened thon's eyes and
tried to concentrate on fingers
instead of Dr. Nath's hands.

"Start your routine," she coached.
"Push your attention into your fingers
and concentrate on your breathing."

Touch thumb to forefinger.
Breathe in deep, breathe out slow.

Riley felt the prick of the needle and
squeezed harder, breath stuttering.

"Middle finger, breathe in,"
Dr. Nath prompted, and
after that it got easier again.

Pulling out hardly hurt at all,
and Dr. Nath's fingers were gentle
pressing a swab over the puncture.

Riley heaved a sigh, count of four,
and let go thumb and pinkie.

"All done," Dr. Nath said as
she put a bandaid in place.
"How did that compare with
your previous experiences?
Better, the same, or worse?"

"Way better," Riley said.
"That wasn't nearly as awful."

"It's usually all the way to awful?"
Dr. Nath said, looking unhappy.
"It's always going to sting a bit, but
it shouldn't make you miserable,
or something is very wrong."

Riley gave a one-shouldered shrug.
"This is my lowest mark," thon said,
pushing up the other sleeve to show
the small scar, like a faded starburst
with a line through it, and four dots.

"How did that happen?" Dr. Nath said,
frowning over the marks on thon's arm.

"Got into a fight with a doctor who
botched it bad enough that they
had to cut my arm open to sew
it up," Riley said. "Two stitches."

"That's terrible!" Dr. Nath exclaimed.
"If I had known that, I never would have
suggested this for a first activity. It was
supposed to be just a little stretch, not
something that could be traumatizing."

"I was pretty little when it happened,"
Riley said. "I've mostly gotten over it.
I can just grit my teeth now and
get through ... whatever."

"Gritting your teeth can
hurt them, or your jaw,"
Dr. Nath said. "Try using
the mudras instead, because
those are a lot safer for you,
and they seemed to work well."

"Yeah, I'll remember that,"
Riley said. Thon had already
noticed the lack of jaw ache.

"I'm sorry that I didn't realize
the sheer expanse of medical abuse,
so that I could spot you two properly,"
Dr. G said. "Riley, I know that you and I
haven't known each other for long either,
but I think we need to talk about this in
more detail at our next session, so I
can protect you better in the future."

"I'll try," Riley said. "It's hard,
but at least you don't yell at me
or refuse to touch me like I'm
something dirty or disgusting."

Dr. Nath made an outraged noise.
"Riley, if you need someone to hug you,
or hold your hand, or provide any kind of
contact comfort, just ask," she said. "One
of us will be happy to help you feel better."

"Riley and I have been working on that,"
Dr. G said. "Thon has high skin hunger,
but thon's birth parents handled it poorly."

"They said that I shouldn't act so needy,"
Riley replied. "But then they also said
that I shouldn't ask too many questions
about my body, that it was naughty."

"Ask me all the questions you want,
and I'll do my best to answer them,"
Dr. Nath said instantly. "If you feel
uncomfortable, we can slow down,
or look at pictures instead."

Riley winced. "People took
a lot of pictures of me down there."

"Well, that helps to keep track of your body
and any changes," Dr. Nath said. "However,
they should be respectful about it, and not do it
if you don't agree to it. You are old enough
to contribute to your health decisions, and
photographing your genitals without
your permission is sexual abuse."

"Yeah, they said it was for records,
but I never got to see any, and besides,
photos seem ... creepy," Riley said.

"I have artwork too, if you want to know
what intersex parts can look like without
looking at photos," Dr. Nath said. "It's okay.
I have patients who feel all different ways
about this. Personally, I find that it helps if
I can see that bodies come in many shapes."

Riley thought about that, rubbing thon's
fingers together, then doing the mudras again.

"Before, it was awful," Riley said. "The photos
were for other people, not for me. I do want
to know about my body ... but I'm scared."

"It's natural to feel scared when you're
doing hard things and you don't know what's
going on yet," Dr. G said. "That's okay.
We can help you get through it."

Riley leaned against him again,
and Dr. G promptly put an arm
around thon's shoulders. It felt good,
but it was hard to remember that Riley
could just ask for this and get it now.

"Would you like to hear my story?"
Dr. Nath offered. "Some people
don't like that kind of reciprocity,
but others find that it helps."

"Yes," Riley said. "I liked hearing
about your home. It makes you real."

"Like I said before, my condition is
Progestin Induced Virilization," she said.
"I'm qualified in Equestrian Oratory Therapy
for dealing with intersex issues, so that
people know I really understand."

"That helps a lot," Riley said.
"I never had an intersex doctor
before." Thon sighed. "I never
met anyone like me before, either."

"We'll see about helping you find
more intersex people," Dr. G said.
"It's important you don't feel alone."

"Yes, it is," Dr. Nath said with a nod. "I
was born with ambiguous genitals that didn't
look male or female, and no urethral opening.
So the doctors immediately had to make
a hole for me to pee through, but they did
a lot more, and that caused problems."

"Like what?" Riley asked. "I mean,
if you want to tell me. You don't have to."

"Well done," Dr. G murmured. "I'm glad
to see you respecting boundaries when
you haven't had many good examples."

Riley's best example still had
an arm wrapped around thon.

"I'll let you know if I don't want to answer
a question," Dr. Nath said. "Anyway, I
had a lot of pain and scarring as a little girl.
The doctors meant well, but they kept having
to redo surgeries. That's what inspired me
to become a doctor of tiresiology, so I could do
a better job. I hated what they did, and the older
I got, the more I argued, until they just quit trying."

"Then what happened?" Riley said. It sounded
as bad as thon's own experiences, only she
had managed to get out of them on her own.

"Nothing, for years, most of my teen years,"
Dr. Nath said. "After we moved to America
and I grew up, though, I decided to try again
to find someone to fix things the right way."

"I hope that worked," Riley said.
She deserved better. Everyone did.

"It did work," Dr. Nath said. "I'm quite happy
with my vulva now, and my husband thinks she's
very cute. It helped me to meet other intersex people
and learn how many different shapes can exist,
which is why I put my pictures in the file."

"You really let your patients look at
pictures of you?" Riley said. "Isn't that,
I don't know, weird or something?"

"A little bit, but people who hate the idea
don't have to look at those, or any pictures,"
Dr. Nath said. "Some other folks feel like
it balances things, since I need to look at
their personal parts. It's all up to you."

Riley rocked a little back and forth.
"Maybe art first?" thon said. "I never
got to see anything but my own parts,
and they don't look like the drawings
in any of my health textbooks."

"Sure," Dr. Nath said, picking up
a large tablet computer. "This program
defaults to text descriptions. Touch one,
and it will ask if you want to see a drawing;
then you touch again to open the picture,
so it can't open by accident. Try it."

Riley looked at a grid of squares.
Some had names of conditions, and
others made a spectrum of parts
that looked more girlish or boyish.

It took a while for Riley to work up
the courage to open any of the files,
and thon gripped Dr. G's leg too hard.

"Ease up, please, or shift your grip,"
said Dr. G. "My hand can take
a lot more pressure than my knee."

"Sorry," Riley muttered, shifting to his hand.

Once thon opened the files, though,
they weren't as scary as expected.

In fact, the row of girlish to boyish pictures
actually looked kind of cute. Riley didn't
understand why people hated the ones
that were in the middle so much.

There was even a button in the corner
of each tile that would open a text window
explaining a little about the features.

It felt so good just to know things.
That made Riley hungry for more.

"Can we maybe try photos now?"
Riley said, looking at Dr. Nath.

"Status check," Dr. G prompted.
"Remember how we practiced in
my office? Feel your body, and
think about your mind. Are you
doing okay, or feeling stressed?"

Riley obeyed, breathing slowly
and thinking about thon's heartbeat.

"Stressed, but not as much as
a few minutes ago," thon decided.
"It's just, you know --" Thon waved
a hand at the exam room. "-- being here.
I think that I can handle things for a while."

"Excellent," Dr. G said. "Then it should
be safe for you to try the next step."

Meanwhile Dr. Nath had changed
the program from art to photos.

"Before we start, let me assure you
that every image in here is present with
informed consent," she said. "That means
I don't have many of intersex babies or children,
because they need time to grow up and agree,
but a few intersex activists have donated theirs.
I do have lots of before-and-after photographs for
all kinds of other conditions -- my trans patients
are often very proud of their new parts."

"Yeah, I can see that," Riley said.
"They worked hard for theirs."

Dr. Nath showed thon how to use
the tablet, including a new sidebar
that read, What is normal, anyway?
Apparently quite a lot of things were.

Riley and Dr. G had talked a lot about
that kind of thing, because Dr. G had
a child named Halley who just didn't feel like
a boy or a girl and got all the dumb questions.

Riley thought it would be better if people
didn't obsess about this stuff and just
tried not to be such jerks instead.

Like the art, the photos turned out
to be less gross and disturbing
than Riley thought they would be.

There were so many different variations!

There were penises and vulvas, some
that looked natural and some that looked
surgical and a lot where Riley couldn't tell.

There were a few reconstructed scrotums,
which looked a lot better than Riley's did.

There was even one that looked like nothing,
or rather, like the "agenesis" pictures, only
this one had a few pale surgical scars.

"What is this one?" Riley said,
tracing a finger around the frame.

"Oh, that's one of my neutrois patients
who wanted a neuter body," said Dr. Nath.
"It's called a smoothie or a nullo. No genitals."

"Looks like a doll," Riley said, bemused.

"That was the treatment goal stated
by that patient," Dr. Nath said, smiling.
"They were very pleased with the results."

That was the important thing, Riley realized,
browsing through the photographs of genitals.
It didn't matter how they looked, it mattered
that the people owned them were happy.

Riley wanted to be happy with thon's body
but wasn't sure how to get there from here.

A finger hovered over the square that
read Dr. Nath -- Constructed Vulva.

"No pressure either way,"
she said, watching thon hesitate.

Riley opened the file.

She looked pretty normal,
as far as thon could see,
which was impressive.

"May I show you something?"
Dr. Nath asked, waving at the photo.

"Well yeah," Riley said. "It's yours."

"Look at this little butterfly wing
on the left," said Dr. Nath. "Oh, how I
hated that thing when I first saw it!
I thought it was so ugly and lopsided,
because there isn't one on the right."

Riley eased the shields down a bit,
but she didn't seem very upset, so
maybe things were okay after all.

"You sound better about it now,"
thon said. "What changed your mind?
Or did it just stop bothering you?"

"I love my vulva now," Dr. Nath said.
"I was so mad at my surgeon, though!
He had to talk me through it for hours,
because natural parts have quirks, so
it looks fake if they're too symmetrical."

Riley looked back over the photos.

The natural ones did look lopsided
in some places, but kind of cool too.
They were supposed to be that way.

"Yeah, I see," thon said. "This one has
wings, and this one goes like a squiggle. I
didn't know they could be so different, but now
I think they're all pretty in their own ways."

"I think so too," Dr. Nath said. "Do you
want to see one of my favorite books?
It's all about female variations."

"Is it better than the dumb books
we had in sex ed?" Riley asked.

"I'll let you be the judge of that,"
Dr. Nath said, pulling out a book.

Femalia, read the cover, and
it had a cute seashell on it.
Inside were pictures of vulvas,
and Riley was amazed at
the variety -- even more
than the clinical pictures.

Thon wished that someone
had done this a long time ago.
It would have made thon feel
so much less like a freak.

"Now, go back to mine for a bit,"
Dr. Nath said after Riley had returned
the book. "That wing on mine has a knot
of scar tissue hidden behind it. My surgeon
managed to get rid of most of it, and what
remains is so well concealed that all of
the other scars are at the bottom of folds,
so they don't show in the picture."

"That's amazing," Riley said.
"My parts are ... kind of a mess.
I wish they looked this good."

"We'll get you fixed up, so that
you're comfortable and satisfied with
the appearance. Your scar will run along
the center of the scrotum where it should,"
Dr. Nath promised. "I'll read the report from
your healer, and whenever you're ready,
then I can take a look at you myself
to see what we're dealing with."

Riley shivered, and Dr. G
gave thon a gentle squeeze.

"I want to, but ... most of
my memories of doctors
touching me are terrible,"
Riley said. "Can we, I don't
know, ease into it somehow?"

"Of course," Dr. Nath said.
"Why don't you hop up onto
the exam table, and I will do
a few basic checks over
your clothes first. That will
help you decide how you
feel about my hands."

"Okay," Riley said. Thon
took a deep breath and climbed
onto the table. Paper crinkled
underneath thon's butt.

"Would you like the curtain
open or closed?" Dr. Nath asked,
pointing to it against the wall.

"Open for now," Riley said,
wanting the reassurance of
Dr. G watching. Just in case.

"Give me your wrist, please,
and I'll check your pulse,"
said Dr. Nath. "That will
tell us how relaxed you are."

Riley offered a wrist, and
Dr. Nath wrapped her fingers
around it, warm and gentle.

After a minute she said,
"Congratulations. You're
running slower than you were
when you first came in here."

"Getting used to it," Riley said.
"This is ... almost bearable."

"We'll work on getting it
up to bearable," Dr. G said.
"You're making good progress."

Dr. Nath warmed the stethoscope
against her palm. "May I listen?"

"Go ahead," Riley said, and she touched
warm metal to points on thon's chest.

"Healthy lungs and heart," she said.
"That's good for surgery later."

Nobody had mentioned that before.
Riley felt relieved that there was nothing
in the way of the necessary repairs, at least
as far as they knew now. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Dr. Nath said.
"How would you feel about changing
into a gown and letting me take a look
at the parts that need help? You can
say yes or no, or suggest something
that would make you more comfortable."

"Terrified," Riley admitted, looking
over at Dr. G for support again.

"It's up to you how far you feel
ready to go today," Dr. G said.
"It is absolutely no trouble
to come back another day."

"I think I can manage, though,"
Riley said. "I need to know ... Brett
told me that I have a uterus, and it's
reaching toward the outside somehow.
So maybe we should check if anything is
in the way of that too, or it looks okay for now."

"Wow, that's important news," said Dr. Nath.
"Thank you for sharing. I can definitely check
the likely place for a vaginal opening. I don't
have much experience with superpowers, but in
intersex people it's usually under the scrotum."

"The development tends to be similar in soups
with dual genitals," Dr. G said helpfully. "There
is some variation, but that seems most common."

"I don't even know how I feel about it yet,"
Riley said. "This all seems so weird. But
I don't want the same kind of mess as before,
from not knowing and from people just doing
things to my body without asking me first."

"I will always ask first, and it's your choice,"
Dr. Nath said. "Here, take a look at the gown."

She handed Riley a whole pile of sky-blue cloth.
"There's a lot of this," thon said, unfolding it.

"We use a modest gown. The kimono style
wraps across the front and then fastens with
these medical-grade magnets," said Dr. Nath,
showing Riley how they worked. "The side seams
open and close with magnets, too. The back seam
is slightly offset from the spine to avoid pressure
over bony areas, and it fastens with vrip."

"That looks like it covers everything,"
Riley said. "Don't you need to ... see?"

"Yes, but not by accident!" said Dr. Nath.
"So once you feel ready to show me
your personal parts, then you unfasten
these bottom three magnets."

"You don't do that?" Riley asked.
Everything was so unfamiliar. It was
better, too, but hard to keep up with.

"I can if you want, but most people
prefer to adjust their own clothing, even if
it's just a medical gown," Dr. Nath said.

"Oh. Yeah, that helps," Riley said.

"Do you want to change behind
the curtain, or should Dr. G and I
leave the room so you can lock
the door for a minute?" she said.

"Curtain, please," Riley said. "I don't
really want to be alone right now."

"Curtain it is," Dr. Nath said as she
swished it into place around the table.
"Let me know when you're done."

Riley took off thon's clothes, trying
not to panic from old memories.
Those weren't happening now.

Thon could hear Dr. Nath
washing her hands at the sink.

The gown was soft and
surprisingly warm, and Riley
had no trouble with the magnets.

"Okay, I'm ready," Riley said.

"Do you want me outside the curtain,
or would you rather we open it and
have me sit with you?" Dr. G asked.

"Sit with me," Riley begged, and
Dr. Nath opened the curtain.

Then Dr. G moved a chair
beside the exam table and
sat down facing Riley. He was
right there, but he wouldn't
be able to see anything.

"Would you like for me
to hold your hand?" he said.

"Please," Riley said. "I'm
trying not to freak out, and
having an anchor really helps."

"You can lean on me if you like,"
Dr. G offered as he took thon's hand.

"Are you sure?" Riley said. "I might
spill over. My head's a mess."

"I think I can handle that better than
you can right now," Dr. G said gently.
"I'm older, I'm trained, and it's always
easier to bear someone else's problems
than it is to deal with your own."

"Okay," Riley said, loosening
the shields enough to sense
his warm, fuzzy energy. Thon
sighed in relief. "That helps."

"It's what I'm here for," Dr. G said.

"Riley, open the magnets for me
when you want to start," said Dr. Nath.

Riley took a deep breath, then
unfastened the bottom of the gown
and flicked the panels apart.
"Go ahead," thon said.

"I'm going to walk my way up
your body from the ankle," she said.
Her hands were soft and warm.
"Put your knees up, please."

Riley pulled up thon's knees
and squeezed Dr. G's hand harder.
Thon kept both eyes open, trying
to stay focused in the here and now.

"Breathe," Dr. G murmured.
"Try that four-by-four again,
it seemed to work for you."

Riley sucked in the air
and blew it out, and that
helped settle thon a bit.

"You asked me to look for
the most likely place where
a vaginal opening could emerge,
so I'll start with that in case we
don't get any farther," said Dr. Nath.
"I need to lift up your scrotum."

"Fffff ..." Riley breathed out
through lips barely parted. "Okay."

It felt weird, but it didn't hurt,
until Dr. Nath started prodding
the area hidden underneath.

"Ow," Riley said. "Tender spot."

"Sorry," Dr. Nath said. "I can see
an extra seam here, like a double wrinkle.
I think I've found your exit point. If this is
changing in preparation to open, that
would explain a little soreness, but
definitely call me if it gets worse."

"I will," Riley said. It was
embarrassing, but real pain
in that spot would make walking
a nightmare, and so far Dr. Nath
had taken good care of thon.

"I don't know if you'll grow
labia or not," Dr. Nath said.
"If not and you want some made,
then that's a thing I can do for you."

Riley thought about seeing
the beautiful photographs.
"I don't know what I want yet,
but thank you for offering."

"Next I'd like to check
the scar tissue, all right?"
Dr. Nath asked thon.

"Yeah," Riley said,
trying not to dig holes
in Dr. G's hand. The man
wasn't complaining, though.

A careful pinch and tug,
then Dr. Nath said, "Aha!
I have good news for you."

"Could really use some
right now," Riley admitted.

"It feels like the scarring
isn't fully attached to your skin,"
said Dr. Nath. "I should be able
to save most or all of your scrotum.
Once I take out the implants, when
your natural ovotestes descend,
they should be right at home."

"Oh, good," Riley said. Thon had
been so worried that the earlier surgeries
might have ruined the whole area.

"Will you want photographs
to document before and after?"
Dr. Nath said. "It is your choice."

"No," Riley said shortly. "Never again."

"Okay," Dr. Nath said. "We don't have
to do that. However, let me ask --
do you trust any of the doctors
who took the earlier photos?"

"Not a one," Riley gritted.
"Bunch of freaking perverts."

"I can see why you feel that way,"
said Dr. Nath. "I don't trust them
either. So, do you think they might have
done a good job of taking clinical photos,
or just whatever amused themselves?"

Riley heaved a sigh. "I don't know,"
thon said. "Probably not a good job,
but ... I just can't today. Sorry."
Thon hesitated, then added,
"You can ask again later."

"All right, I'll make a note of that.
Moving on up," Dr. Nath warned
as she let go of the scrotum and
started poking around the penis.

Nobody had ever talked to Riley
before while doing this, let alone
taken no for an answer, and it was
starting to distract thon from the nerves.

Besides, Dr. Nath herself was almost
as interesting as Dr. G, in a different way.

The more she examined Riley's parts,
the more focused she got, until Riley
stopped staring at the ceiling and tried
to peek between thon's own knees.

Dr. Nath had a little crease between
her eyebrows, like concentration
instead of worry or annoyance,
and her mind gleamed brighter
the more she worked on thon.

And then something amazing happened:
the exam stopped being stressful.

It was just so different from what
Riley had experienced before
that it didn't even compare, and
the old memories fell away,
leaving only the moment.

Dr. Nath was beautiful,
and she was telling Riley
about thon's body, and
it was ... okay, actually.

Still weird, and Riley was
probably blushing like mad,
but it didn't feel bad now.

Thon stretched out on
the table and waited for
Dr. Nath to finish the exam.

"Doing better?" Dr. G murmured,
patting Riley on the hand.

"Yeah, I am," Riley said.

"All done," Dr. Nath said,
flipping the gown closed.
"I feel confident that I
can repair the damage."

"Oh, good," Riley said.
"So what comes next?"

"I'll write down my notes from
this exam, and read the ones
from your healer," Dr. Nath said.
"I think we should leave the details
of surgical options for another day,
when you'll have fresh energy."

"Yeah, that makes sense,"
Riley said. "I'm okay, though."

"That's good to hear, Riley,"
said Dr. Nath. "May I ask why
you're looking at me that way?"

"You're beautiful," Riley blurted.

"Why thank you," said Dr. Nath.
"It's not usually something a client
notices during an exam, though."

"I'm a telempath," Riley said.
"I wasn't so much seeing your face,
as the way your mind changed
when you were looking at me."

"Oh, what does that look like?"
Dr. Nath said. "Can I ask that?"

"Questions about superpowers
are intimate," Dr. G said, "but since
Riley volunteered the observation,
you may ask." He turned to Riley.
"Whether you answer is up to you."

Riley wasn't about to hold out on
the one person to talk to thon
about thon's unusual body.

"When you concentrate,
your mind ... compresses,"
thon said, putting both hands
palm to palm. "It's so bright,
kind of a line made of light,
like when you open the door
a crack and the sun comes in."

"That does sound beautiful,"
Dr. Nath said. "Thank you
for sharing that with me."

"That was very generous
of you, Riley," said Dr. G.
"Not all soups want to share."

"She's helping me, so it just
seemed fair," Riley pointed out.

"All right, we're going to step back
and close the curtain so that you can
change into your clothes," Dr. Nath said.
"Just put the curtain away when you're done."

Dr. G patted Riley's shoulder and let go of
thon's hand, which was a little disappointing.
Riley hustled back into thon's clothes and
then left the folded gown on the table.

The curtain swished as Riley
pushed it back against the wall.

Thon sat down beside Dr. G
and crawled halfway into his lap,
looking for contact comfort.

"It's okay, you can cuddle up
all you want," Dr. G said,
wrapping both arms around
thon. "You did an amazing job
today, Riley. I wasn't expecting
to get anywhere near this far."

"I'm sorry I took so long," Riley said.
"I probably made everything even later."

"No, we still have a few minutes left,"
Dr. Nath said. "It's a two-hour slot."

"Really?" Riley blinked and sat up.

"We needed plenty of time for you
and Dr. Nath to meet each other and
talk about whatever came up," Dr. G said.
"I told the receptionist what we needed
when I called, and she recommended
booking a two-hour slot, so I did."

"Here, look," Dr. Nath said as she
turned around a digital hourglass with
glowing green sand on the screen.
"This is just about to turn yellow."

Just then the colors changed,
and the number 10 appeared
in the top half of the hourglass.

"Cool!" Riley exclaimed.

"This means that we have
ten minutes left," Dr. Nath said.
"Would you like to ask any questions?"

"I have some issues with body image
and modesty," Riley admitted. "I wish
that I felt comfortable in shower rooms with
other people, but I just don't. I have to use
cubicles, and I hate that. Can you fix that?
Will fixing my body make it stop?"

"Most people feel better about
their bodies after genital repairs,
but there are no guarantees for
matters of the mind," Dr. Nath said.
"We have a counseling program for
for our pre-op clients that addresses
those and other issues, if you like."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," Riley said.
"I'd like to know what to expect."

"I can help with those matters too,"
Dr. G said. "If necessary, I can
also find you a gender coach or
a body image specialist."

"So I've got options," Riley said.
"Okay. Options are good. Plan A,
try the pre-op program here. I'm
okay discussing it with you too.
Then we've got other therapists
to consider for a Plan B."

"Well done," Dr. G said.
"It's good to have backups."

"Is there anything else I can do
for you?" Dr. Nath asked Riley.

"Do you know any more of
those mudra thingies? Or maybe
the breath exercises?" Riley said.
"Those really helped, and I would
like to learn more about them."

"I sure do," Dr. Nath said.
"Let me check the drawer
of educational materials."

She rummaged around and
came up with several handouts.

The Healing Hand Gestures brochure
was like two regular pages stuck together,
with plenty of sample mudras shown
on the front and back covers and
explanations in the middle.

The Mudra Therapy pamphlet
was small and orange, and it had
descriptions of the elemental system
as well as some mudras to try.

The Practice Deep Breathing brochure
was a long strip folded in the middle,
with practice steps on the front and
different exercises on the back.

There were also two reading lists,
one of mudra books and the other
yoga with some on breathing.

"Gee, thanks!" Riley said.
"These look fantastic."

"I hope that they help,"
said Dr. Nath. "I can get you
started, but if you're serious
about studying yoga, then
you'll need an expert."

"Maybe when I don't feel
confused about everything,"
Riley said. "Right now,
I'm a little overloaded."

"Remember what I said earlier,"
Dr. G replied. "Be confused, it’s
where you begin to learn new things.
Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal."

"Be frustrated, it’s where you start
to make better decisions," Riley said.
"Be whatever you are right now."

"No more hiding," Dr. G said.
"You are worthy, always."

"Thanks," Riley said. "I'm
trying to remember, but it's hard."

Thon looked at the timer.
The yellow sand had almost
run out under the number 2.

"Guess it's time to go,"
Riley said as thon stood up.
"Dr. Nath? You said I could ask ...?"

"Yes, go ahead," she said.

Riley shifted from one foot
to the other. "Could I have a hug?"

"Of course," Dr. Nath said,
spreading her arms open.

Riley leaned into her.
She wrapped her arms
around thon and squeezed
the way Riley always wished
that thon's mother would do.

That helped, too.

Riley stepped back
just in time to see
the timer turn red.

"Thank you," thon said
as Dr. G led the way out.

This whole situation with
Riley's body might be awkward
and uncomfortable, but thon was
learning that it wasn't so bad

once thon began to learn new things.

* * *

Notes:

Due to the length of this poem, notes are posted separately. See the notes for characters, locations, and content.