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three_weeks_for_dw again. I'm pulling together some useful resources. This one is a party monitor kit, inspired by several of my characters in Polychrome Heroics who are or have been party monitors.
Polychrome Heroics Party Monitor Kit
In Local-America, a few universities offer party monitor training. In Terramagne-America, it's more common and more comprehensive. Official on-campus parties usually have to include one party monitor per so many people, and rules about student behavior, alcohol, etc. are enforced. Unofficial, off-campus parties have the option of hosting a party monitor but cannot be required to do so. Monitored parties have a lower rate of police and ambulance calls, but some people find that being watched makes them too uncomfortable to have fun. There is customarily a basic class to get the badge or t-shirt and your listing with the university. Beyond that you can usually take other workshops on such things as basic first aid, emotional first aid, taking care of a drunk, mediation, sexual assault prevention (like "Here's the tampon you asked for"), and so forth. By the time you're done with that, you're well skilled as a citizen responder; and if you happen to soup up, you've got a head start on first responder skills too. Ideally, partygoers should have more positive interactions with a party monitor helping them than negative ones with a party monitor telling them to quit doing something, so as to create an overall favorable impression. Because of this, the custom has spread outside the university subculture. There are instructions for safe parties, party safe programs, and hosting a good party.
A Party Monitor kit contains the most useful items for solving the kinds of problems that tend to go wrong at a social event. You can make it as large or small as necessary for your preference and any local rules. Generally speaking, put the most-used small items in your pockets, purse, or belt pouch; medium items in a carrier such as a backpack, dufflebag, or tacklebox in the house; and you can leave larger items or restock (such as a six-pack of bottled water or spare clothes) in your car. What constitutes "most used" can vary a lot depending on the venue and audience, so pay attention at each event to learn what things you need most frequently. Much the same applies to hosts, who have access to all their home supplies, but it's still very convenient to have a kit. Ideally, the subcategories should be packaged together so that you can grab the set of supplies needed for the current challenge: Party Monitor essentials, first aid kit, repairs & maintenance, personal supplies, sustenance, and technology. Super additions are gizmology and super-gizmology that some characters carry.
Party Monitor Essentials
The core of the Party Monitor kit contains basic materials for supervising recreational activities.
Brochures (emergency resources, emotional first aid, introversion vs.
extroversion, party rules or other etiquette, problem drinking, sexual
misconduct, substance abuse, troubled relationships, etc.)
Cash card (for taxis, etc.)
Coins (for parking, vending machines, etc.)
Emergency numbers (Party Monitor headquarters, campus security, police,
medical, fire, landlord, maintenance, utilities, crisis lines, etc.)
Games & activities handbook (hardcopy or online)
Party Monitor ID card & electronic access key
Party Monitor manual (hardcopy or online)
Party Monitor paperwork or online forms
Party Monitor t-shirt or sweatshirt
First Aid Kit
You can make your own or buy a general-purpose first aid kit. For parties, make sure it can treat the number of people expected to attend. The bigger the event, the more complex a kit you need. Alternatively, you may want a more thematic household (for indoor parties) or camping (for outdoor parties) kit. Nobody seems to be selling a "party first aid kit" custom package, but you can easily design your own based on things that commonly go wrong at parties: bumps and scrapes, overconsumption of food or drinks, headaches, allergies, unexpected menstruation, sex/romance mishaps, anxiety, and so forth.
Disposable gloves
Anti-itch cream
Aromatherapy (chamomile, lavender, peppermint, etc.)
Cough drops
Packets of common pills (antihistamines, decongestants, digestive relief,
painkillers, etc.)
Antiseptic wipes
Anaesthetic wipes
Bruise wipes
Insect bite/sting wipes or stick
First aid cream
Burn gel
Bandaids
Moleskin or foam (for blisters)
Liquid bandage
Mouthwash (for oral injuries or nausea)
Ace bandage
Cold pack
Hot pack
CPR mask with one-way valve
External thermometer
Nail clippers with file
Scissors
Tweezers
Some items particular to Terramagne:
Chuckie's Tummy Tabs -- the most popular brand of gel tabs for treating moderate nausea, made from a transdermal gel usually stuck behind the ear where it absorbs through the skin. A whole one is enough to make some people drowsy, but they can be cut in half.
Gatorskin -- a product from Jackson & Jason designed to protect broken skin against further friction. It is a moss green gel, usually dispensed from a syringe, which quickly dries to a tough leathery texture. It's good for treating all kinds of scrapes and blisters, but many people don't like it due to the garish color when contrasted with the near-transparent or skin-tone options of other less-durable liquid skin products. The company markets it with a cartoon alligator called Skater Gator who is always getting into accidents.
InstaSkin -- a clear liquid bandage product from Jackson & Jason.
Jackson & Jason's Ouchless Wound Rinse -- a stingless antiseptic sold in spray or squirt bottles.
Repairs & Maintenance
Simple fixes solve a lot of problems. It helps to keep a packet of tools and supplies for handling the most common issues such as spills and loose parts.
All-purpose cleaner
Contact washing fluid
Eyeglass repair kit
Flashlight
Instant glue
String
Tape (duct, masking, scotch, etc.)
Travel sewing kit (needles, thread, mini scissors, spare buttons & hooks, etc.)
Ziplock bags
Swiss army knife or multitool
Personal Supplies
People want to look and feel their best at a party. This section covers all the stuff that's not exactly first aid material but handles other personal needs. You can find many useful things in travel supplies or personal health sections.
Disposable combs
Hair ties
Shoelaces
Condoms
Personal lubricant
Tampons
Maxi pads
Bug repellent (for outdoor events)
Sunscreen and lip balm (for outdoor events)
Lotion
Hand sanitizer
Wet wipes
Stain remover wipes
Tissue packets
Diapers and change of clothes (for children's parties)
Sustenance
Parties usually have plenty of food and drink, but it's not always there on time or the right thing a person needs. Here are some compact items that solve a lot of urgent issues.
Candy for low blood sugar or nausea (cinnamon, ginger, honey-chamomile,
peppermint, spearmint, etc.)
Clinical-grade chocolate (squares or bars)
Energy gels
Fiber cookies
Food bars (energy bars, protein bars, diet bars, jerky bars, etc.)
Saltines
Fruit drink mix packets
Sport drink mix packets
Vitamin packets
Bottled water
Technology
This includes electronic games and apps that may help people deal with challenges.
CarGo -- a weirdly compelling 3D video game in T-America about packing groceries into various handbaskets, carts, vehicles, and kitchen storage. The more of the groceries you can cram into the space -- without damaging fragile ones like eggs -- the more points you get. It's like a much more creative version of Tetris.
CrapChat is a program for managing disabilities. The name comes not from low quality -- it's actually a brilliant program -- but from the fact that people tend to say "Oh, crap!" when things start to go wrong. Therefore the icon for activating it is a little cloud that reads Oh, Crap! The program is highly customizable, but if you pay for it, then you get access to stock content for over a hundred different conditions plus user-submitted material for solving specific challenges. The main screen includes introductory instructions so you can hand the phone to a stranger in case of emergency. Different options will take them to a summary of your problem, a list of step-by-step instructions for helping you, and a chat function in case you can text but not talk. The contact option can dial your emergency contact(s) automatically, or take someone to a list of your emergency numbers with instructions on when and how to reach each of them. CrapChat was invented by a supervillain gizmologist, so its default chat client connects with BlackSheep, but it can be set to others. It has since spread outside its original supervillain circle and is becoming very popular with people whose disabilities make public space difficult. A less fancy but already very promising version in local-America is Emergency Chat.
Desert Dreams is a video game about growing dryland plants. Many different succulents are available. You pick out seeds or seedlings, and a pot, then arrange them however you want. They need water, sunlight, and fertilizer. It's very educational, with names and other information about the different species. As you tend your pot, the plants grow. At the lower levels, they're perfectly safe, and it's a very peaceful meditative sort of game. At the higher levels, pests and herbivores arrive to provide more challenge. You begin with a modest selection of plants that are easy to grow, and as you advance, you unlock new species which are more difficult to raise. If you take care of your plants well enough, they bloom and pollinators come to visit. Desert Dreams is similar to the local-American game Viridi, but more complex. It was created by a gizmologist who works in horticulture. The sound effects consist of music from various desert cultures, with the default set to come from the same region as the first plant selected, although users can change it.
Eek!You -- a modular computer game called Eek!You for emotional intelligence, which has different topics that people can choose. Within each topic, the subtopics have descriptions, exercises, and fun ways to gamify personal growth. It uses a visual interface. The menus make helpful printouts for trauma recovery and other pursuits. The name comes from EQ for Emotional Quotient.
Super Additions
Characters with superpowers may have access to gizmos, super-gizmos, and other interesting stuff.
B&B Capery Tape -- a special tape made for use on people with superpowers. The B&B stands for Bandage and Bondage. The backing material is capery, to withstand superpowers, and the glue is designed to hold securely without damaging the skin. It is available from Brooklyn Superhero Supply.
Blue chamomile -- an essential oil derived from the chamomile plant, often shortened to "blue" among soups. It soothes a variety of metaphysical complaints and is their go-to first aid supply. As an herbal simple, it has analgesic, anti-inflammatory, anti-nausea, antispasmodic, nerve sedative, and other qualities. The most common side effects are nightmares or skin irritation. In our world blue chamomile costs around $30 for 1/8 ounce, and in Terramagne the price is two to three times that due to higher demand. Although legal in most places, it can be difficult to get due to the high price and the fact that few stores carry it. Some soup-hostile countries have controlled or banned it, and some governments or hate groups may watch for people buying it. SPOON sells it through their website.
E-skey -- an electronic skeleton key. It may take the form of a swipe card with an electronic strip, a thumb drive with an uploadable program, a handheld device, etc. It can be gizmotronic or super-gizmotronic, opening any electronic lock of a specific type (all vending machines) or ANY electronic lock at all. It is pronounced "EE-skee."
Maxitack -- a super-gizmotronic adhesive that will attach anything and only comes loose by using a matched super-gizmo to release the bonding field. The other way to separate things it has glued together is by tearing off the surface, which is unpleasant if it is skin.
Palm lock -- a small puck-shaped gizmo or super-gizmo, typically a few inches in diameter, which acts as a portable lock to secure any door when pressed over the crack.
three_weeks_for_dw again. I'm pulling together some useful resources. This one is a party monitor kit, inspired by several of my characters in Polychrome Heroics who are or have been party monitors.Polychrome Heroics Party Monitor Kit
In Local-America, a few universities offer party monitor training. In Terramagne-America, it's more common and more comprehensive. Official on-campus parties usually have to include one party monitor per so many people, and rules about student behavior, alcohol, etc. are enforced. Unofficial, off-campus parties have the option of hosting a party monitor but cannot be required to do so. Monitored parties have a lower rate of police and ambulance calls, but some people find that being watched makes them too uncomfortable to have fun. There is customarily a basic class to get the badge or t-shirt and your listing with the university. Beyond that you can usually take other workshops on such things as basic first aid, emotional first aid, taking care of a drunk, mediation, sexual assault prevention (like "Here's the tampon you asked for"), and so forth. By the time you're done with that, you're well skilled as a citizen responder; and if you happen to soup up, you've got a head start on first responder skills too. Ideally, partygoers should have more positive interactions with a party monitor helping them than negative ones with a party monitor telling them to quit doing something, so as to create an overall favorable impression. Because of this, the custom has spread outside the university subculture. There are instructions for safe parties, party safe programs, and hosting a good party.
A Party Monitor kit contains the most useful items for solving the kinds of problems that tend to go wrong at a social event. You can make it as large or small as necessary for your preference and any local rules. Generally speaking, put the most-used small items in your pockets, purse, or belt pouch; medium items in a carrier such as a backpack, dufflebag, or tacklebox in the house; and you can leave larger items or restock (such as a six-pack of bottled water or spare clothes) in your car. What constitutes "most used" can vary a lot depending on the venue and audience, so pay attention at each event to learn what things you need most frequently. Much the same applies to hosts, who have access to all their home supplies, but it's still very convenient to have a kit. Ideally, the subcategories should be packaged together so that you can grab the set of supplies needed for the current challenge: Party Monitor essentials, first aid kit, repairs & maintenance, personal supplies, sustenance, and technology. Super additions are gizmology and super-gizmology that some characters carry.
Party Monitor Essentials
The core of the Party Monitor kit contains basic materials for supervising recreational activities.
Brochures (emergency resources, emotional first aid, introversion vs.
extroversion, party rules or other etiquette, problem drinking, sexual
misconduct, substance abuse, troubled relationships, etc.)
Cash card (for taxis, etc.)
Coins (for parking, vending machines, etc.)
Emergency numbers (Party Monitor headquarters, campus security, police,
medical, fire, landlord, maintenance, utilities, crisis lines, etc.)
Games & activities handbook (hardcopy or online)
Party Monitor ID card & electronic access key
Party Monitor manual (hardcopy or online)
Party Monitor paperwork or online forms
Party Monitor t-shirt or sweatshirt
First Aid Kit
You can make your own or buy a general-purpose first aid kit. For parties, make sure it can treat the number of people expected to attend. The bigger the event, the more complex a kit you need. Alternatively, you may want a more thematic household (for indoor parties) or camping (for outdoor parties) kit. Nobody seems to be selling a "party first aid kit" custom package, but you can easily design your own based on things that commonly go wrong at parties: bumps and scrapes, overconsumption of food or drinks, headaches, allergies, unexpected menstruation, sex/romance mishaps, anxiety, and so forth.
Disposable gloves
Anti-itch cream
Aromatherapy (chamomile, lavender, peppermint, etc.)
Cough drops
Packets of common pills (antihistamines, decongestants, digestive relief,
painkillers, etc.)
Antiseptic wipes
Anaesthetic wipes
Bruise wipes
Insect bite/sting wipes or stick
First aid cream
Burn gel
Bandaids
Moleskin or foam (for blisters)
Liquid bandage
Mouthwash (for oral injuries or nausea)
Ace bandage
Cold pack
Hot pack
CPR mask with one-way valve
External thermometer
Nail clippers with file
Scissors
Tweezers
Some items particular to Terramagne:
Chuckie's Tummy Tabs -- the most popular brand of gel tabs for treating moderate nausea, made from a transdermal gel usually stuck behind the ear where it absorbs through the skin. A whole one is enough to make some people drowsy, but they can be cut in half.
Gatorskin -- a product from Jackson & Jason designed to protect broken skin against further friction. It is a moss green gel, usually dispensed from a syringe, which quickly dries to a tough leathery texture. It's good for treating all kinds of scrapes and blisters, but many people don't like it due to the garish color when contrasted with the near-transparent or skin-tone options of other less-durable liquid skin products. The company markets it with a cartoon alligator called Skater Gator who is always getting into accidents.
InstaSkin -- a clear liquid bandage product from Jackson & Jason.
Jackson & Jason's Ouchless Wound Rinse -- a stingless antiseptic sold in spray or squirt bottles.
Repairs & Maintenance
Simple fixes solve a lot of problems. It helps to keep a packet of tools and supplies for handling the most common issues such as spills and loose parts.
All-purpose cleaner
Contact washing fluid
Eyeglass repair kit
Flashlight
Instant glue
String
Tape (duct, masking, scotch, etc.)
Travel sewing kit (needles, thread, mini scissors, spare buttons & hooks, etc.)
Ziplock bags
Swiss army knife or multitool
Personal Supplies
People want to look and feel their best at a party. This section covers all the stuff that's not exactly first aid material but handles other personal needs. You can find many useful things in travel supplies or personal health sections.
Disposable combs
Hair ties
Shoelaces
Condoms
Personal lubricant
Tampons
Maxi pads
Bug repellent (for outdoor events)
Sunscreen and lip balm (for outdoor events)
Lotion
Hand sanitizer
Wet wipes
Stain remover wipes
Tissue packets
Diapers and change of clothes (for children's parties)
Sustenance
Parties usually have plenty of food and drink, but it's not always there on time or the right thing a person needs. Here are some compact items that solve a lot of urgent issues.
Candy for low blood sugar or nausea (cinnamon, ginger, honey-chamomile,
peppermint, spearmint, etc.)
Clinical-grade chocolate (squares or bars)
Energy gels
Fiber cookies
Food bars (energy bars, protein bars, diet bars, jerky bars, etc.)
Saltines
Fruit drink mix packets
Sport drink mix packets
Vitamin packets
Bottled water
Technology
This includes electronic games and apps that may help people deal with challenges.
CarGo -- a weirdly compelling 3D video game in T-America about packing groceries into various handbaskets, carts, vehicles, and kitchen storage. The more of the groceries you can cram into the space -- without damaging fragile ones like eggs -- the more points you get. It's like a much more creative version of Tetris.
CrapChat is a program for managing disabilities. The name comes not from low quality -- it's actually a brilliant program -- but from the fact that people tend to say "Oh, crap!" when things start to go wrong. Therefore the icon for activating it is a little cloud that reads Oh, Crap! The program is highly customizable, but if you pay for it, then you get access to stock content for over a hundred different conditions plus user-submitted material for solving specific challenges. The main screen includes introductory instructions so you can hand the phone to a stranger in case of emergency. Different options will take them to a summary of your problem, a list of step-by-step instructions for helping you, and a chat function in case you can text but not talk. The contact option can dial your emergency contact(s) automatically, or take someone to a list of your emergency numbers with instructions on when and how to reach each of them. CrapChat was invented by a supervillain gizmologist, so its default chat client connects with BlackSheep, but it can be set to others. It has since spread outside its original supervillain circle and is becoming very popular with people whose disabilities make public space difficult. A less fancy but already very promising version in local-America is Emergency Chat.
Desert Dreams is a video game about growing dryland plants. Many different succulents are available. You pick out seeds or seedlings, and a pot, then arrange them however you want. They need water, sunlight, and fertilizer. It's very educational, with names and other information about the different species. As you tend your pot, the plants grow. At the lower levels, they're perfectly safe, and it's a very peaceful meditative sort of game. At the higher levels, pests and herbivores arrive to provide more challenge. You begin with a modest selection of plants that are easy to grow, and as you advance, you unlock new species which are more difficult to raise. If you take care of your plants well enough, they bloom and pollinators come to visit. Desert Dreams is similar to the local-American game Viridi, but more complex. It was created by a gizmologist who works in horticulture. The sound effects consist of music from various desert cultures, with the default set to come from the same region as the first plant selected, although users can change it.
Eek!You -- a modular computer game called Eek!You for emotional intelligence, which has different topics that people can choose. Within each topic, the subtopics have descriptions, exercises, and fun ways to gamify personal growth. It uses a visual interface. The menus make helpful printouts for trauma recovery and other pursuits. The name comes from EQ for Emotional Quotient.
Super Additions
Characters with superpowers may have access to gizmos, super-gizmos, and other interesting stuff.
B&B Capery Tape -- a special tape made for use on people with superpowers. The B&B stands for Bandage and Bondage. The backing material is capery, to withstand superpowers, and the glue is designed to hold securely without damaging the skin. It is available from Brooklyn Superhero Supply.
Blue chamomile -- an essential oil derived from the chamomile plant, often shortened to "blue" among soups. It soothes a variety of metaphysical complaints and is their go-to first aid supply. As an herbal simple, it has analgesic, anti-inflammatory, anti-nausea, antispasmodic, nerve sedative, and other qualities. The most common side effects are nightmares or skin irritation. In our world blue chamomile costs around $30 for 1/8 ounce, and in Terramagne the price is two to three times that due to higher demand. Although legal in most places, it can be difficult to get due to the high price and the fact that few stores carry it. Some soup-hostile countries have controlled or banned it, and some governments or hate groups may watch for people buying it. SPOON sells it through their website.
E-skey -- an electronic skeleton key. It may take the form of a swipe card with an electronic strip, a thumb drive with an uploadable program, a handheld device, etc. It can be gizmotronic or super-gizmotronic, opening any electronic lock of a specific type (all vending machines) or ANY electronic lock at all. It is pronounced "EE-skee."
Maxitack -- a super-gizmotronic adhesive that will attach anything and only comes loose by using a matched super-gizmo to release the bonding field. The other way to separate things it has glued together is by tearing off the surface, which is unpleasant if it is skin.
Palm lock -- a small puck-shaped gizmo or super-gizmo, typically a few inches in diameter, which acts as a portable lock to secure any door when pressed over the crack.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-29 02:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-29 05:11 pm (UTC)Yay!
Date: 2017-04-29 05:59 pm (UTC)For a con, pay attention to the modular packing. You'll want a lot of stuff, but it needs to be divisible in grab-and-go form. Some stuff is cheaper to get in bulk, i.e. a set of several small first aid kits, and then make sure your main first aid station has more comprehensive gear. With luck, you might even find someone who's had party monitor training at a college, since there's a few places doing that. Otherwise just use the short list of skills I suggested, or make your own.
Also: a quiet room and an emotional first aid station will more than pay for themselves in problems prevented. It's a con; people WILL overload themselves. If you provide places to minimize that kind of problem, it will greatly reduce the chance of needing police or an ambulance. However, since this stuff isn't common in local-America yet, you'll have to mention it in the program booklet and door flyers and such.
All you really need for a quiet room is a room although it helps to add fuzzy blankets, a few pillows, stuffies, some puzzle books and/or anthologies, a basket of fidgets, and a few flyers about self-care. Hotels usually provide some set amount of floor space per event package; just pick one or more small rooms for calming down. Then stick a page on the door that says something like, "This is a quiet room. If you're getting stressed, you can come here to calm down. Enjoy a selection of quiet activities or bring your own."
Emotional first aid works much like physical first aid, and it's best to put those in proximity, like adjacent rooms, or two ends of a long narrow room. Mainly what you need for EFA is a couple of comfortable chairs or couches and a volunteer with some experience in helping upset people work through acute issues. Anyone who's done stuff like peer counseling or helplines should know the basics. At a con, EFA can cover things like having your stuff get lost or stolen, conflicts with other attendees/staff, triggers for personal issues, scheduling disasters, etc.
Yay!
Date: 2017-04-29 06:07 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-29 08:32 pm (UTC)I used to plan dinners and going-away parties and stuff like baby showers for co-workers when working for Corporate America eons ago, and never had thought of so much of this! Clinical grade chocolate, for instance ...
The palm lock sounds like a thing Gran gave me when she heard I was driving cross country and staying in motels. It hooked into the doorjamb and enabled the door to be locked from the inside via only my key. She also had practical advice like "Kick him in the nuts!" and "Slap your hands over his ears!"
(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-30 02:35 am (UTC)Well...
Date: 2017-04-30 03:06 am (UTC)2) I don't think anyone has posted rules this year. Previous ones may or may not be findable, may or may not apply. The ones I remember are don't post the 3WFDW posts elsewhere, and try to get a post each day during the project.
Someone did repost the daily topic list from a previous year, if you're looking for ideas.
Thoughts
Date: 2017-04-30 09:27 am (UTC)Thank you!
>> I used to plan dinners and going-away parties and stuff like baby showers for co-workers when working for Corporate America eons ago, and never had thought of so much of this! Clinical grade chocolate, for instance ... <<
:D I confess to cheating and copying much of this list from Terramagne, where they do most things better.
>> The palm lock sounds like a thing Gran gave me when she heard I was driving cross country and staying in motels. It hooked into the doorjamb and enabled the door to be locked from the inside via only my key. <<
This style has a jam bar that goes under the doorknob and prevents the door from being opened.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-05-01 10:39 pm (UTC)Sgt. Richard Cournoyer, a Connecticut state trooper, has investigated a dozen sexual assault cases in the last few years involving University of Connecticut students. "These aren't people jumping out of the bushes," he says. “For the most part, they're boys who had too much to drink and have done something stupid. When we show up to question them, you can see the terror in their eyes."
Riiight. What about the ongoing terror in the eyes of their victims? That attitude right there is what leads to judges saying shit like, "He's got a lot of potential, and it would be a shame to see that ruined," or Daddy saying "Why should he lose his entire future over ten minutes of action?"
That aside, it does provide a good bit of useful information about approaches to take if you see something going down, and is a decent starting point.
Well...
Date: 2017-05-01 11:20 pm (UTC)I don't think that acquaintance rape should be ignored, but neither should it be handled the same as premeditated rape. After all, we handle homicide very differently if it is premeditated, in the heat of the moment, or accidental but still culpable; and some are not culpable.
* Going out looking for someone to rape is heinous and should be thoroughly punished.
* Going out looking for a stranger to fuck is risky. You don't know them, you're horny, and it's very easy to make mistakes that way. Especially if either or both of you are drunk, and let's be honest, many people like to fuck while drunk. It can be fine, or irresponsible. But it's not malicious in the same way as someone who purposely seeks a victim to hurt for fun.
* Trying to get an established partner to have sex when it's not their idea is a little risky, but people do it all the time. Negotiating moods is part of having a relationship, and people's skills vary in that.
* And then there is the giant clusterfuck of people who seem to agree when they don't want sex, because it's what they think they should do. Most people don't want to have sex with an unwilling partner, but it happens a lot, because women are trained to be accommodating -- and it's all the worse for abuse survivors. It's reasonable to expect people to get some form of consent before making out, but few people have the skill to read "no" when someone is saying and doing "yes." It's even worse if you have two people whose skills are this bad trying to interact -- they can very easily molest each other with neither of them intending or realizing it.
I don't think this society is doing a very good job of ... well, anything relating to sex. The result is that young people grow up being shown that no doesn't mean no, POWER means no. Very often they mimic what they've observed, and then a lot of them get blamed for exactly that. It's a very ugly form of bait-and-switch. O
ne particularly glaring example is that people are routinely forced into sexualized conversations and images at school and work, in the form of mandatory sexual conduct training, when many folks don't feel that topic is appropriate for work, school, or strangers at all. And they're not allowed to say no, in a presentation that purports nobody should be forced into sexualized anything. People often follow the reliable rule "When the words and actions disagree, believe the actions," and conclude that might makes right. This is unfortunate, but it's a fairly accurate description of society as practiced. Those with more power help themselves to the bodies, minds, and time of those with less and don't have to care about the boundary violation. If the goal is to teach people healthy boundaries, this is the opposite of helpful.
So then we have to think about how to solve this mess. One way would be teaching people and especially girls about body autonomy, but that's inconvenient when so much of society relies on the freedom to violate the boundaries of those with less power. If you refuse anything a doctor demands, for example, the result is very often going without health care. Another way would be teaching people and especially boys how to use power responsibly. This is not desired by society because it conflicts with both the favorite portrayal of manhood and the aforementioned taste for boundary violations in general. We could teach people to intervene, but those in power resent interruptions and will frequently respond with violence. More often people are trained NOT to solve problems, defend themselves, or interrupt someone else being abused or murdered in front of them.
Then too, consider that rape -- like almost all crimes -- is overwhelmingly perpetrated by the young. Almost everyone, even most repeat criminals, will grow out of it. The trick is to minimize damage while waiting for that to happen.
Boys and young men have ranging hormones, not much experience keeping a handle on that, and often little if any teaching in how to do so. Having a teenage cock is like trying to haul a bull calf around by the halter; it's hard even if you know what you're doing and sometimes impossible if you don't. A teenage cunt is honestly not much easier and can cause just as much trouble, although usually in different ways. But you don't hear sex ed classes teaching "how to make an unwanted erection go away" or "how to ignore jiggling tits in your face" or "how to build up your self control so when you've had two beers and no sex in recent memory, you can pour the drunk chick into her friend's backseat without putting your hands where they shouldn't be." And with the breakup of families, fewer boys hear that from a father or uncle. All too often, we expect people to solve problems with no resources or education, and then blame them when it predictably goes wrong. It's not only cruel, it doesn't work.
If you want people to behave decently, then you have to teach them how and make sure they have the resources, and it has to be within reasonable range of social standards -- the real ones, in practice, not the ones people just pay lip service to.
Another thing I dislike is the tendency to throw people's lives away. The legal system isn't about correction, but about entrapment. This not only doesn't solve problems, it actively makes them worse. Look at community justice for a better model: it's aimed at repairing the damage and restoring relationships after a crime. And that's where the difference between stranger rape and acquaintance rape really show: because there's no relation in the former, it's about relation with the community; while in the latter, people already know each other and usually a lot of the same bystanders. Very different solutions are often needed.
Who does it help to destroy someone's life? Not the victim, people are so unsatisfied with how the legal system works, most sexual crimes go unreported. Maybe it helps the people running prisons or parole, milking money out of prisoners and their families. How does it help the community? It doesn't, the rape rate is sky high, so this obviously isn't working. What does it do for the perpetrator? Usually nothing. They may get locked up or fined, but they are unlikely to be taught actual personal skills better than what they had. If locked up with older criminals, in fact, what they learn is worse behavior. Tormenting people in jail, or with permanent restrictions afterwards, doesn't solve problems.
Things like restorative justice and community counseling exist, but are unpopular; nobody wants to invest in repairing damaged people to make healthy citizens. They're more interested in hurting people who annoy them, and that feeds right back into the same problem. It would be more effective to provide gender education, counseling, and people skills; to make the perpetrator pay for the victim's rape-caused health care, and to put in community time to benefit survivors in general. That would fix a majority of the problems where someone's activity got out of hand, rather than deliberate malice. You're always going to have a handful of people who make trouble on purpose, but they're a minority; most don't want to.
The problem is real, but many people don't care about it. Solutions exist, but society doesn't want to do them, because they conflict with other things that society wants to keep doing. I wish people would fix this, but they choose not to. And I don't have much patience with the hypocrisy of a society that elects a Pussy Grabber in Chief, then complains about young men putting it where it isn't wanted. If you don't want thistles, don't plant thistle seeds.
It's all very frustrating.