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ysabetwordsmithSomeone asked me how to help an online friend through a difficult time. All the advice, of course, is aimed at helping friends in meatspace. Considering how many of us have online intimates, this is not helpful. Here is my effort to fill that gap.
The most important thing you can do is just be there. Email, blog, social network, however you're connected try to reach out fairly often. Do whatever it is you normally do in your friend's life.
Listen. Encourage them to talk. Know how to handle difficult conversations. Sympathize as much as you can.
Go light on advice, but if you think of a solution, you can present it with "You might consider ..." or some other oblique opening.
Many ways to help friends through hard times work fine online. Think about what you're good at doing, and do that. I happen to be good at research, so I often help by looking up resources that I can find in a few minutes but would take many people hours to track down.
Resources often rely on body language and other physical interactions. You can carry over physical cues online, you just have to write them, and if the other person responds in kind, it's very similar to the facetime version. *hugs offered* *hankie* etc. For example, this week's Cuddle Party has a lot of physical interaction, not as much conversation. This is a new feature, inspired by some folks melting down in Hard Things and that turning into a cuddle pile.
Some people get vicarious pleasure from descriptions of touch. They'll go to things like "Touching Moments" when they feel sad. If your friend is that way, you can describe what you would do if physically present, and that may help.
Verbal techniques translate to text with very little loss of signal. If you need to replace voice tone, smileys work well. Those also convey facial expression. Active listening and other counseling skills can help. Validation confirms people's feelings or experiences. This is enormously useful for fixing certain types of problems such as gaslighting where other people might be undermining your friend's perceptions.
I Messages and 3-Part Messages are related. They express personal feelings and effects. It's a straightforward way to put emotion into words. If you do it, your friend may do it, and that helps with their expression so you have more to go on. Mirroring and rephrasing reflect the speaker's thoughts and feelings back to them, reassuring them that you heard what they said. This can help them open up more.
Try to create a safe space for your friend to vent about problems, feel emotions, and be accepted. I have found a lot of useful cartoons online that illustrate problems people often have. Some of my go-to images on this topic:
I Made You a Nest
Hobbies
Depression
What Anxiety Feels Like
Help vs. Helpiness
Laziness vs. Depression
Living with Anxiety and Depression
I Want to Talk
Tell Me What Hurts
Sometimes it helps to choose a picture of a place to "be" together, like the cuddle room I made. Or a meadow. Or whatever. People have different blog metaphors that influence how they shape cyberspace.
Similarly, sending cute or beautiful pictures can make people smile when they feel down. Nature art makes people feel better. Recipes for comfort food can be healthy. Jokes make people laugh, as do funny videos. Use whatever stuff you think they'll like. This is one technique that works better online than in person. When you're out with a friend, you rarely have a video of meeping otters when you need it. Online, it's just a quick search away.
There are many ways to send positive energy such as light, positive energy transfer, channeling over distance, funneling, stone or candle magic. You can describe it online. You can do it with visualization. Among the easiest is to link two items together -- like matching stones or halves of a seashell -- then send one to your friend. Hold yours and think of them. You can also send a fuzzy pillow, blanket, stuffie, etc. to cuddle.
You can send a wide array of goods and services long distance such as meals, snacks, flowers, singing telegrams, maid service, babysitting, and so on. There are many ideas for long-distance gifts. If you know someone's favorite shopping places or at least a category of what they need, gift cards are great. Think of stuff you would do or give if you were there in person.
Difficult times are exhausting times. Assemble a care package or send a gift card for no-cook foods. Include printouts of no-cook foods and recipes, or a cookbook. Check out the excellent gift page at Nuts.com which has not only nuts but also dried fruit, chocolate, and other goodies.
It's also important to offer help without pushing. It's okay to persuade but don't pester. Think about the spectrum of influence to coercion. Learn how to give advice that actually helps.
Basic counseling skills may help. Use conditionals. Present options. Leave decisions to your friend.
"You might try ..."
"Perhaps you could ..."
"Is there another way to ..."
"Might it help if ..."
"Could it be that ..."
"Have you considered ..."
"What about ..."
"Some people find that ..."
"Here is a list of possibilities ..."
"How is that working for you ..."
I hope this helps.
The most important thing you can do is just be there. Email, blog, social network, however you're connected try to reach out fairly often. Do whatever it is you normally do in your friend's life.
Listen. Encourage them to talk. Know how to handle difficult conversations. Sympathize as much as you can.
Go light on advice, but if you think of a solution, you can present it with "You might consider ..." or some other oblique opening.
Many ways to help friends through hard times work fine online. Think about what you're good at doing, and do that. I happen to be good at research, so I often help by looking up resources that I can find in a few minutes but would take many people hours to track down.
Resources often rely on body language and other physical interactions. You can carry over physical cues online, you just have to write them, and if the other person responds in kind, it's very similar to the facetime version. *hugs offered* *hankie* etc. For example, this week's Cuddle Party has a lot of physical interaction, not as much conversation. This is a new feature, inspired by some folks melting down in Hard Things and that turning into a cuddle pile.
Some people get vicarious pleasure from descriptions of touch. They'll go to things like "Touching Moments" when they feel sad. If your friend is that way, you can describe what you would do if physically present, and that may help.
Verbal techniques translate to text with very little loss of signal. If you need to replace voice tone, smileys work well. Those also convey facial expression. Active listening and other counseling skills can help. Validation confirms people's feelings or experiences. This is enormously useful for fixing certain types of problems such as gaslighting where other people might be undermining your friend's perceptions.
I Messages and 3-Part Messages are related. They express personal feelings and effects. It's a straightforward way to put emotion into words. If you do it, your friend may do it, and that helps with their expression so you have more to go on. Mirroring and rephrasing reflect the speaker's thoughts and feelings back to them, reassuring them that you heard what they said. This can help them open up more.
Try to create a safe space for your friend to vent about problems, feel emotions, and be accepted. I have found a lot of useful cartoons online that illustrate problems people often have. Some of my go-to images on this topic:
I Made You a Nest
Hobbies
Depression
What Anxiety Feels Like
Help vs. Helpiness
Laziness vs. Depression
Living with Anxiety and Depression
I Want to Talk
Tell Me What Hurts
Sometimes it helps to choose a picture of a place to "be" together, like the cuddle room I made. Or a meadow. Or whatever. People have different blog metaphors that influence how they shape cyberspace.
Similarly, sending cute or beautiful pictures can make people smile when they feel down. Nature art makes people feel better. Recipes for comfort food can be healthy. Jokes make people laugh, as do funny videos. Use whatever stuff you think they'll like. This is one technique that works better online than in person. When you're out with a friend, you rarely have a video of meeping otters when you need it. Online, it's just a quick search away.
There are many ways to send positive energy such as light, positive energy transfer, channeling over distance, funneling, stone or candle magic. You can describe it online. You can do it with visualization. Among the easiest is to link two items together -- like matching stones or halves of a seashell -- then send one to your friend. Hold yours and think of them. You can also send a fuzzy pillow, blanket, stuffie, etc. to cuddle.
You can send a wide array of goods and services long distance such as meals, snacks, flowers, singing telegrams, maid service, babysitting, and so on. There are many ideas for long-distance gifts. If you know someone's favorite shopping places or at least a category of what they need, gift cards are great. Think of stuff you would do or give if you were there in person.
Difficult times are exhausting times. Assemble a care package or send a gift card for no-cook foods. Include printouts of no-cook foods and recipes, or a cookbook. Check out the excellent gift page at Nuts.com which has not only nuts but also dried fruit, chocolate, and other goodies.
It's also important to offer help without pushing. It's okay to persuade but don't pester. Think about the spectrum of influence to coercion. Learn how to give advice that actually helps.
Basic counseling skills may help. Use conditionals. Present options. Leave decisions to your friend.
"You might try ..."
"Perhaps you could ..."
"Is there another way to ..."
"Might it help if ..."
"Could it be that ..."
"Have you considered ..."
"What about ..."
"Some people find that ..."
"Here is a list of possibilities ..."
"How is that working for you ..."
I hope this helps.
Aaah. Cuuutee
Date: 2017-04-03 02:20 pm (UTC)I'ma need to memory this post, because one of the things that helps is cute nature sounds-especially of the water, and big cat varieties. Even the puppy/domestic kitten vids that have sounds help xd.
I get enough out of some of the "Simon's cat" pencil cartoons to make them funny, too. Some of them, anyway. He.
I'll probably come back to this post a lot over the next week, and live vicariously through touch-fic.
I love the mother, but I really am not looking forward to the parts where I feel like she might criticize some of the things we do. It usually happens once a visit, and I usually have a problem with the verbal self-defence.*sighs*
But...meeping otters. I've always wondered what they sounded like. When we ran across them at the sanctuary we were walking at, it was more splashplay, no meeping.
-Fallon~
Re: Aaah. Cuuutee
Date: 2017-04-03 06:38 pm (UTC)That's good to know. It's harder to find cute sounds than cute images, but I will keep an ear out.
>> I get enough out of some of the "Simon's cat" pencil cartoons to make them funny, too. Some of them, anyway. He. <<
I love those too.
>> I'll probably come back to this post a lot over the next week, and live vicariously through touch-fic. <<
I'm glad I could help.
>> I love the mother, but I really am not looking forward to the parts where I feel like she might criticize some of the things we do. It usually happens once a visit, <<
:( That sucks.
>> and I usually have a problem with the verbal self-defence.*sighs* <<
My go-to reference for this is The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. I couldn't find an audio edition of the original book, but one of the sequels is available:
https://www.amazon.com/Mastering-Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/B0000545MT
This might or might not be the same:
https://www.last.fm/music/(audio+books)+gentle+art+of+verbal+self-defense
>> But...meeping otters. I've always wondered what they sounded like. When we ran across them at the sanctuary we were walking at, it was more splashplay, no meeping.<<
They also chirp and chitter.
(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-03 04:06 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2017-04-03 06:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-03 05:15 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2017-04-03 06:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2017-04-03 06:19 pm (UTC)Well...
Date: 2017-04-03 06:57 pm (UTC)It depends on the context.
* If you use conditionals, it's advice. This gives the other person the option whether or not to do as you suggest. Using conditionals with people you outrank may or may not get the job done. It's generally considered more polite.
* If you don't use conditionals, it's an order. This is supposed to be used only with people you outrank. However, many people do it all the time and don't care that it's considered less polite. That can make people avoid you.
* Social pressure causes some people to put conditionals or other modifiers on everything they say. You see it most often in women, blacks, and other disadvantaged groups. It can be a bad habit indicating lack of confidence. They are considered "too weak" and scorned. Of course, if they drop the conditionals, they are then considered "bossy, uppity, abrasive," etc. and scorned.
>> That... does not make me bad at trying to help people when I do? <<
Generally not. This can be checked by working through your logic to see if you are giving good advice and matching it to social rank. Another check is audience response. Do people come to you for advice? Do they do what you suggest at least fairly often? Do they seem appreciative of the help more than annoyed by it?
Re: Well...
Date: 2017-04-03 07:20 pm (UTC)It's good to have resources like this available, though. ^_^
Re: Well...
Date: 2017-04-03 07:34 pm (UTC)That's good. If you're getting positive feedback, then you're probably doing good.
>> but it's been years since I was really comfortable or confident giving advice because I try to lean to conditionals. <<
Bummer.
>> Sometimes people don't actually want advice. Or orders. They just want you to wave a magic wand and make their problem disappear and get angry when you can't. <<
There are different ways to help. Just listening is one, and problem-solving is another. I'm much better at the latter.
However, if someone just wants you to be their emotional garbage can, that's rarely a good thing. Same if they want to blame you for their problems, or not fixing their problems. Those aren't your problems. On the bright side, if you consistently emphasize that people need to work on their own issues, that's not fun for the dumpers, and they will probably look for someone else to dump on.
>> It's good to have resources like this available, though. ^_^ <<
I'm glad I could help.
You may also get some use out of guidelines for person-centered therapy:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/person-centered
https://www.simplypsychology.org/client-centred-therapy.html
http://www.basic-counseling-skills.com/client-centered.html
http://world.std.com/~mbr2/cct.beginning.practise.html
https://www.omh.ny.gov/omhweb/pros/Person_Centered_Workbook/Quick_Guide_to_Developing_Goals.pdf
Because this type of counseling is nondirective and relies on encouraging the client's strengths, it works very well for peer counseling or supporting an upset friend.
Re: Well...
Date: 2017-04-03 11:26 pm (UTC)