>> If Mr. Marshall is brokering the meeting, then he's the one who should explain to the coach that, as the first one to give offense, it falls to him to make the first apology. That solves the problem. <<
Preferably, yes. The problems are: * Bo Ray is kind of a dick. * He doesn't think he did anything wrong. * He is especially reluctant to apologize to anyone lower in rank. * The school principal may pressure him to apologize, but that doesn't make it sincere.
>> Stan may not care, but as you say, Stan isn't most people. <<
He won't care in regard to his apology. He will care in regard to the coach's apology, because Stan dislikes being lied to. And in this situation, he is unhappy enough that he may well say so instead of letting it pass.
>> It will matter to Lawrence, I suspect. <<
Oh yes. The coach already flushed any respect that Lawrence may have had. But Lawrence knows Stan, and while he may be personally disgusted by this mess, he isn't going to try to make Stan stop being Stan.
>> I'm a little hypersensitive on this issue because of parental residue. <<
That's understandable. I imagine Lawrence has his own issues with older men yelling. Stan didn't notice it, because Lawrence would've been hiding it and Stan was concentrating on Jayce, but Lawrence must have been on high alert as soon as the coach started winding up.
>> I was never afraid to own my own share of the blame for a fight, but I flatly refused to take all the blame, which was what they wanted. <<
Well, that was unreasonable of them.
But here again, Stan is different. He will apologize, explicitly, for the things he did wrong and explain why they went wrong and what he's going to do so that doesn't happen again. He knows how to make a proper apology and will do so without prompting. But that's it. Stan won't apologize for there being an argument, since he didn't start it; and not for bucking the coach's authority, because the coach was so far out of line that not only did someone need to stop him, but Stan is no longer willing to accept him as an authority.
This will doubtless displease the coach, who wants submission for the same reason he refuses to give any: it's tied into manhood for him. He does not see the intricate structure of grace, humility, and stubbornness that make up Stan. Ah well. Gators gonna gait.
>> My father in particular would fling nonpologies at me, of the "Okay, I'm SORRY, NOW are you satisfied?" variety. <<
*sigh* Tedious and unsatisfying. But this is often a result of someone not feeling they did anything wrong, not understanding how apologies work, and/or not grasping the range of apology languages.
Me, I don't want to listen to or give false apologies, and it pisses me off when other people demand that. If we have a conflict of interests, if it wasn't a mistake, then let's just be honest about that. People disagree. Sometimes goals are opposed. It doesn't necessarily mean that anyone is a bad person or did something wrong, just that we're in each other's way. In such case, it is important to know this, so that each can account for it and not be deluded by wrongly expecting the other person to do things differently next time.
In this case, the coach is being an asshole, but it's not the same kind of misstep that Stan made. Stan will at least try to stop throwing his social weight around so hard once he realizes what he did, and certainly he understands the concept of discretion so he'll be much less likely to out anyone again. The coach is not going to lose his homophobia. If he wants to keep his damn job, he may feel compelled to lie that he's sorry and tone down the badmouthing at school, but it's not going to fool anyone.
I'm not sure if this is a scene anyone would want to read, because it's not neat and pretty.
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dancing_serpent
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2016-12-21 08:35 am (UTC)Preferably, yes. The problems are:
* Bo Ray is kind of a dick.
* He doesn't think he did anything wrong.
* He is especially reluctant to apologize to anyone lower in rank.
* The school principal may pressure him to apologize, but that doesn't make it sincere.
>> Stan may not care, but as you say, Stan isn't most people. <<
He won't care in regard to his apology. He will care in regard to the coach's apology, because Stan dislikes being lied to. And in this situation, he is unhappy enough that he may well say so instead of letting it pass.
>> It will matter to Lawrence, I suspect. <<
Oh yes. The coach already flushed any respect that Lawrence may have had. But Lawrence knows Stan, and while he may be personally disgusted by this mess, he isn't going to try to make Stan stop being Stan.
>> I'm a little hypersensitive on this issue because of parental residue. <<
That's understandable. I imagine Lawrence has his own issues with older men yelling. Stan didn't notice it, because Lawrence would've been hiding it and Stan was concentrating on Jayce, but Lawrence must have been on high alert as soon as the coach started winding up.
>> I was never afraid to own my own share of the blame for a fight, but I flatly refused to take all the blame, which was what they wanted. <<
Well, that was unreasonable of them.
But here again, Stan is different. He will apologize, explicitly, for the things he did wrong and explain why they went wrong and what he's going to do so that doesn't happen again. He knows how to make a proper apology and will do so without prompting. But that's it. Stan won't apologize for there being an argument, since he didn't start it; and not for bucking the coach's authority, because the coach was so far out of line that not only did someone need to stop him, but Stan is no longer willing to accept him as an authority.
This will doubtless displease the coach, who wants submission for the same reason he refuses to give any: it's tied into manhood for him. He does not see the intricate structure of grace, humility, and stubbornness that make up Stan. Ah well. Gators gonna gait.
>> My father in particular would fling nonpologies at me, of the "Okay, I'm SORRY, NOW are you satisfied?" variety. <<
*sigh* Tedious and unsatisfying. But this is often a result of someone not feeling they did anything wrong, not understanding how apologies work, and/or not grasping the range of apology languages.
Me, I don't want to listen to or give false apologies, and it pisses me off when other people demand that. If we have a conflict of interests, if it wasn't a mistake, then let's just be honest about that. People disagree. Sometimes goals are opposed. It doesn't necessarily mean that anyone is a bad person or did something wrong, just that we're in each other's way. In such case, it is important to know this, so that each can account for it and not be deluded by wrongly expecting the other person to do things differently next time.
In this case, the coach is being an asshole, but it's not the same kind of misstep that Stan made. Stan will at least try to stop throwing his social weight around so hard once he realizes what he did, and certainly he understands the concept of discretion so he'll be much less likely to out anyone again. The coach is not going to lose his homophobia. If he wants to keep his damn job, he may feel compelled to lie that he's sorry and tone down the badmouthing at school, but it's not going to fool anyone.
I'm not sure if this is a scene anyone would want to read, because it's not neat and pretty.