Hard Things
Jul. 13th, 2016 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithLife is full of things which are hard or tedious or otherwise unpleasant that need doing anyhow. They help make the world go 'round, they improve skills, and they boost your sense of self-respect. But doing them still kinda sucks. It's all the more difficult to do those things when nobody appreciates it. Happily, blogging allows us to share our accomplishments and pat each other on the back.
What are some of the hard things you've done recently?
What are some of the hard things you've done recently?
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(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-14 05:57 am (UTC)I think the hardest part is simply not knowing what the heck I'm doing most of the time, and in most cases not knowing who to talk to, either. It doesn't help that I have a lousy memory for names, which leads to things like waking up the wrong person at six in the morning.
And it's not that I'm afraid that other people will think I'm stupid -- they won't. It's that it makes me feel stupid. That's much harder to fix.
Well...
Date: 2016-07-14 06:04 am (UTC)That sucks. Stretching your comfort zone a little can be good; going too far outside it can lead to ruptures in unpleasant places. Make sure the job doesn't wreck your health.
>> I think the hardest part is simply not knowing what the heck I'm doing most of the time, and in most cases not knowing who to talk to, either. <<
Those are fixable. You need a job description and a schedule. If you don't know how to do specific tasks, jot down anything specific and ask someone how it goes. Find out who is supposed to teach you this stuff. It is the employer's responsibility to train new staff, or even old staff in new positions. It's only your job to learn what's your responsibility now; you can't pull information out of thin air. If your boss refuses to help or train you, stop blaming yourself. You are only responsible for things within your power.
>> It doesn't help that I have a lousy memory for names, which leads to things like waking up the wrong person at six in the morning. <<
If your job requires you to put names to faces, then make a reference. It can be computer files, a photo book, whatever works for you. But have a guide to names, faces, their job and location, etc. However it is that people are identifying who you're supposed to call, make sure you have that data recorded where you can easily find it.
>> And it's not that I'm afraid that other people will think I'm stupid -- they won't. It's that it makes me feel stupid. That's much harder to fix. <<
Yep, that's miserable. You're not stupid. You may be bad at some things. If you've gotten a job that is a bad match for you, look for a better one. But most people suck at new things for at least 2-4 weeks. Give it that long before you start beating up on yourself. Also look for your strengths. You must have gotten this job for some reason; what are you good at that applies to this?
Something that many people find helpful for self-compassion is asking how you would treat someone else in this situation. Would you harangue a new person and call him stupid? Probably not. What would you do? What would you say? And then do that for yourself.
Asking for help
Date: 2016-07-14 06:48 am (UTC)I'm not particularly fond of shopping alone. I always shopped with my mom and I find it lonely and sad now. However, I needed a few last things for my brother's wedding, including a bra to go under my bridesmaid dress which is something particularly difficult for me to shop for. Seriously, I have sewn back together a bra chewed up by my dog rather than shop for a new one. That's how much I hate it.
Unfortunately, my preferred store for bras closed, and I didn't know it, so I had to find a new store. That was stressor number one. I decided to buy shoes before going to the next bra store to give me time to adjust to the idea of a new store. Two shoe stores and multiple pairs of shoes not available above size 8 later and I'm ready to give up and go home without buying anything, but I didn't. I called a friend of mine, who works in retail and asked for help.
She dropped everything and came to the shoe store and we found the shoes I needed, still not in my size but we got them ordered in my size for the in store price. They wanted to charge me double for them because an in store sale was not an online sale, but we talked to a manager and got the cheaper price.
Then we went to the lingerie store and found a wonderful sales person who happened to share and therefore understand my sizing difficulties. She was very kind and spent at least 45 minutes helping me find exactly what I needed.
I don't like asking for help, because I don't like NEEDING help, but giving up and trying another day was actually going to result in several days of procrastination, which will just cause even more stress. So I sucked it up and instead of procrastinating and probably letting everything get worse, I asked for help and now I have everything I need. :)
Firstar28
Re: Asking for help
Date: 2016-07-14 06:55 am (UTC)Go you!
>> I'm not particularly fond of shopping alone. I always shopped with my mom and I find it lonely and sad now. <<
:( How awful. I hope you can find new people to shop with. It won't be the same, but at least it will be less lonely.
>>However, I needed a few last things for my brother's wedding, including a bra to go under my bridesmaid dress which is something particularly difficult for me to shop for.<<
I almost never wear bras because they kill my back and hardly exist in my size. But I feel the same about shoes; I only shop for those as a last resort. >_< My sympathies.
>> I asked for help and now I have everything I need. :) <<
\o/
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-14 10:31 am (UTC)In slightly more positive news, the new therapist I'm going to is very useful and I'm slowly starting to relearn how to spend more time in my body. Which is both absolutely terrifying and yaytastic. Mostly I'm leaning towards it being yaytastic because it would be so nice to have more energy to do stuff with regularly again!
Yes...
Date: 2016-07-14 07:30 pm (UTC)This post is about things that were hard on you. That is the only qualification. If you see the post and think of something that you found difficult, it counts.
>> In slightly more positive news, the new therapist I'm going to is very useful and I'm slowly starting to relearn how to spend more time in my body. Which is both absolutely terrifying and yaytastic. Mostly I'm leaning towards it being yaytastic because it would be so nice to have more energy to do stuff with regularly again!<<
Bodies have their ups and downs. The best way to build your connection with your body is to make your body fun to be in. Look for things you can do which feel really good. Massage, dancing, yoga, swimming, gardening, ceramics, cooking -- things which activate touch are the most grounding but other senses can help too.
Re: Yes...
Date: 2016-07-14 08:49 pm (UTC)Bodies have their ups and downs. The best way to build your connection with your body is to make your body fun to be in. Look for things you can do which feel really good.
Mmmm. I've been trying to be more aware of it whilst doing fun activities that are not body-centric. Most of what makes me feel good are things like reading or playing a game, so I've been trying to be more aware of myself while doing those things and to loosen up a little and let myself feel/react. At least it gets me started. I can build up from there. ^_^ (And thank you for not specifically recommending taking up a sport too. <3 )
Autistic and serving as EFA Medic
Date: 2016-07-15 01:52 pm (UTC)For ONCE, the autism that leads me to having a perspective that's 45 degrees out on the z axis when most live in the plotted x and y axis helped. It was like watching everybody ELSE meltdown for once. Not cheerful, but a shared experience that meant that they would actually listen to me. I didn't like the storm of emotions or the disconnect of information narratives that was happening, but when I said to one person that it sounds like they're living in my head, suddenly I was the senior person in charge.
I could say that this news does hurt, it hurts all of us. I could get them to sit down, read poetry, color, meditate, or even just cry in private for a bit. I understand enough now to go for a walk, or do one of those things, or yell for help when needed. :-D
I knew what most of them did for emotional balance, and the comparison to my meltdowns actually gave everyone a common frame of reference. Once we were asking the questions in a better way, all understood reference desk work enough to finish their own reference interviews.
Libraries are usually safe spaces for all, and having too many marginalized groups being emotionally beat on with the news this past month, gets to the staff who MAKE the libraries emotional harbors.
When I got to say to one of my old coworkers that you're all having meltdowns like me, and I got a response of hysterical laughter, tension release, and respect.
It still kinda sucked, but it felt like somebody gave me a group to lead through hell, and the map of how to do it. Whoa. I'm both shocked and impressed with myself. :-D
Also, THANK YOU! Between your works and my following up on all your reference links, I had enough information to help. :-D
Re: Autistic and serving as EFA Medic
Date: 2016-07-15 07:39 pm (UTC):( That sucks.
>> For ONCE, the autism that leads me to having a perspective that's 45 degrees out on the z axis when most live in the plotted x and y axis helped. It was like watching everybody ELSE meltdown for once. Not cheerful, but a shared experience that meant that they would actually listen to me. I didn't like the storm of emotions or the disconnect of information narratives that was happening, but when I said to one person that it sounds like they're living in my head, suddenly I was the senior person in charge. <<
THIS. THIS is why we NEED neurodiversity. Because it means two things:
1) Different strengths and weaknesses mean that people get hit by different things, thus a given stress factor rarely takes down everyone at once.
2) People learn to deal with their own challenges, and then can share skills when someone else stumbles over a problem which is new or uncommon to them.
3) Those occasional overlaps encourage people to be more compassionate with each other and themselves, because they can see both the commonalities and the differences.
It worked exactly like it's supposed to in this case. Go you!
>> I could say that this news does hurt, it hurts all of us. <<
It makes a huge difference when at least one person knows what communal trauma is and can explain the ways in which a catastrophe impacts even folks who weren't at ground zero. Without that knowledge, people tend to think they're "freaking out over nothing" because they only know it hurts, not why or how to treat the pain.
>> I could get them to sit down, read poetry, color, meditate, or even just cry in private for a bit. I understand enough now to go for a walk, or do one of those things, or yell for help when needed. :-D <<
That is awesome.
>> I knew what most of them did for emotional balance, and the comparison to my meltdowns actually gave everyone a common frame of reference. Once we were asking the questions in a better way, all understood reference desk work enough to finish their own reference interviews. <<
Yay! It helps a lot when you know people well enough to do that, and have good references in reach.
>> Libraries are usually safe spaces for all, and having too many marginalized groups being emotionally beat on with the news this past month, gets to the staff who MAKE the libraries emotional harbors. <<
Sooth. But you have to remember that safe spaces are BUILT, they don't just happen by accident. That takes work. It's harder during upheavals like this, but at least it means you have the skills and resources to do it in the first place, which means you can use those for repair when needed. It reminds you WHY you're putting so much effort into maintaining that sanctuary.
>> When I got to say to one of my old coworkers that you're all having meltdowns like me, and I got a response of hysterical laughter, tension release, and respect. <<
Yay! This highlights the point that EVERYONE can have meltdowns. It's simply what happens when the input exceeds the brain's processing power and/or the stress exceeds the coping skills/resources available. The system shorts out. Of course it does. Nobody's threshold is infinite. Some people just have a much lower threshold because of glitches in body and/or brain, or even just because their wetware has way more software than the hardware was meant to hold. When you realize that this can happen to anyone, then you tend to have more sympathy for people who have to face it on a regular basis. But that means they are really, really adept at dealing with it whereas most people have no experience with it and are blindsided on the rare occasions when it happens. If something is causing the neurotypicals to melt down, you really want to have a neurovariant person there to show them how to cope with that challenge.
>> It still kinda sucked, <<
Hard things suck. It's rarely possible to make them stop being hard or stop sucking. But it is usually possible to reduce the level of misery and damage, and certainly possible to avoid adding to it.
>> but it felt like somebody gave me a group to lead through hell, and the map of how to do it. Whoa. I'm both shocked and impressed with myself. :-D <<
"When you're going through hell, keep going".
>> Also, THANK YOU! Between your works and my following up on all your reference links, I had enough information to help. :-D <<
You're welcome! Thanks for sharing this difficult experience. It makes me happy that I could help. I'm especially glad that my efforts to port in good ideas from other worlds in better shape really are helping make this one better too. What you just described is basically what would happen if somebody creamed a library full of people in Terramagne. :D The person with the most relevant skill steps up and explains how to EFA their way through it, and everyone else follows along so that the problem gets patched up with a minimum of fuss. \o/
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 07:48 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-21 03:29 pm (UTC)(I'm pausing to let my exclamation sink in.)
I have chronic fatigue, and I learned that sometimes an "I don't wanna!" means I'm fatigued and need rest. This is a rare thing, but since I followed the incorrect advice of "exercise to feel better!" for far too long, I throw that out for those people who are also in that rare situation. It doesn't have to be chronic fatigue though - illness can do the same thing.
None of this takes away from the difficulty, and the will, to do something like that.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 07:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 08:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 08:17 pm (UTC)Good luck!
:^)
Well...
Date: 2016-07-13 10:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-15 01:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-21 03:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 08:09 pm (UTC)Man, Sisyphus had it easy! It might've been an uphill struggle, but at least he only had to do one thing at a time.
Not bad or hard.. but wearing.. and just occasionally a bit too exciting in all the wrong ways.
[like; youngest cat bringing home his live prey, and letting it go in the house.]
*laugh*
Date: 2016-07-13 10:34 pm (UTC)Re: *laugh*
Date: 2016-07-14 09:23 am (UTC)Re: *laugh*
Date: 2016-07-14 09:26 am (UTC)Re: *laugh*
Date: 2016-07-15 01:47 am (UTC)That being said, after deregulation and competition in the air travel market made it an absurdly low-margin business in which companies needed to pay very careful attention to not operating or staffing aircraft with empty seats, I began expecting to have an adventure every time I took a plane trip. Every so often, I am rudely disappointed: all the flights depart and arrive on schedule, the connections are straightforward and not rushed, what comfort the cabins provide is not compromised by pointy extremities, foul scents, or inconsolable children, and I surprisingly survive confining myself for several hours in a sealed metal tube containing multiple disease-causing organisms my body has yet to encounter without contracting any of them. Somehow, when that happens, I manage to survive :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-13 08:33 pm (UTC)Best of all, I managed to take care of it without coming unglued!
:^)
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-18 09:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-19 07:44 am (UTC);^D
(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-21 03:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-07-21 05:15 pm (UTC):^)