Poem: "Boundary Lines"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This is the second freebie from the bonus fishbowl, courtesy of new prompters jazzyjj and Deb1789 and new donor Debra Ames.  It was inspired by prompts from lynnoconnacht.  It also fills the "courtship rituals" square in my 6-11-14 card for the fanbingo fest.  This poem belongs to the series P.I.E.


"Boundary Lines"

Darrel had made it quite clear
that he didn't want Brenda
to meet his parents, but
they ran into each other
one day at the police station.

With a sigh, Darrel gave in
to the inevitable and made introductions.

Within minutes, Brenda silently admitted
that Darrel had been right all along.

Mrs. Finn simpered and fluttered,
leaning on the arm of Brenda's wheelchair
and occasionally groping for handles that weren't there.

Mr. Finn simply pretended that she did not exist.

It was always a challenge to keep people
from manhandling her hardware
in crowded places, but it was
all the more annoying when they did it
without even that excuse.

Rick was just as bad;
Brenda suspected that
being a construction boss
made him interested in
how things were made.

He had a hard time 
keeping his hands off
her spokes and nuts,
and couldn't keep his
mouth shut if you taped it.

Nate, on the other hand,
tended to drop things in her lap
without looking to make sure
they landed securely, and he
wouldn't sit down to speak with her
but preferred to remain standing.

It was little comfort that he used
the same silly dominance tricks
with everyone else, and it made Brenda
wonder if he was compensating for something.

She usually had to work
at maintaining her boundary lines,
to keep a little bubble of space around herself,
and then again to make people notice her.

She used her hands and arms
in expansive gestures, and
sometimes tapped a foot
even though it startled people.

With Darrel, though, Brenda
didn't have to do any of that.
He flowed around her like wind,
like water, neither hesitating
nor presuming to touch.

Brenda liked that about him,
the way he fit himself into her life
and invited her into his,

their boundaries slowly but surely
beginning to blend together.

* * *

Notes:

The human brain can incorporate a wheelchair into its self-image, so it counts as part of someone's personal space.  Understand the etiquette for wheelchair users and other people with disabilities.

Body language is complicated by such things as gender and social rank.  There are ways to use expansive body language to your advantage. 

Personal boundaries include several types.  Know how to establish and adjust your boundaries to keep people from bothering you.

Close relationships rely on letting your guard down, so you need to know when and how to lower your barriers.  There are always ways of building trust in a relationship.

Comments

Darrel

[dialecticdreamer]

I see a lot of /work/ behind Darrel's differences between himself and his family. That's not only starting from personality differences, but hard, slogging work through the examples around him to decide for himself how to behave.

I like this one a lot!

Re: Darrel

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I see a lot of /work/ behind Darrel's differences between himself and his family. <<

Yes, that's true, and I'm glad it shows through.

>> That's not only starting from personality differences, but hard, slogging work through the examples around him to decide for himself how to behave. <<

I think it must have started with the personality difference, because Darrel is a very affable and nurturing person. So it would have created a lot of shear for him, growing up in a family of assholes. That's probably where he developed the ability to present a false front, which he now uses professionally as an undercover cop. But he must have done some serious work, after he left home, to discover what kind of skills and behaviors would be a better match for his personality. That's probably a combination of self-discovery and good counseling.

>> I like this one a lot! <<

Yay!

[raze]

Ooh, I especially liked how Brenda uses her body language to expand her boundaries.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm glad that worked for you. I was already familiar with the power and gender dynamics. I looked for articles on body language of wheelchair users but couldn't find anything. I know some parts remain the same but others are quite different from other folks. It has to account for the chair itself being part of the body, for example, which means the position of body parts in relation to the chair, and the way it's parked, and whether or not the brakes are on, etc. all mean something. As a linguist this fascinates me.

[mdlbear]

I like this -- boundaries are a concept I've always had a lot of trouble with, so more input helps.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I'm glad you like it, and glad I could help.

Healthy boundaries include knowing your needs and your limits. They should be semi-permeable, and you should be able to raise or lower them at will. Many people find it challenging to manage their boundaries just right.

[calissa]

I'm a bit out of spoons right now (due to internal boundary issues), but I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed this.

Thank you!

[ysabetwordsmith]

I appreciate hearing that. I hope you have more spoons soon.

[beckyzoole.livejournal.com]

The hardest part is when you let your guard down, let your boundaries begin to blend with his... and he pulls his boundaries back up again so quickly that they slam you in the face.

Don't do it, Brenda! Keep that guardrail in place!

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> The hardest part is when you let your guard down, let your boundaries begin to blend with his... and he pulls his boundaries back up again so quickly that they slam you in the face. <<

That one sucks, yes. *hugs*

Another frustrating thing that some of my friends struggle with is when they want to invite someone into their life, but it's hard to get the barriers down and then they pop back up at inopportune times, slamming both people in the face.

Healthy barriers should be set where you want them, and responsive enough that you can raise or lower them at will. This ideal is challenging to maintain.

>> Don't do it, Brenda! Keep that guardrail in place! <<

Bear in mind that:

* boundaries are nested, from casual acquaintances through friends to family

* if you don't set boundaries, people will take advantage of you

* but if you don't let anyone in, ever, then you'll have no companionship and no support network

Hence the need for setting appropriate boundaries which can be adjusted at will.

[lynnoconnacht]

I'm torn between agreeing with Darrell that meeting his parents was an awful idea best postponed forever and thinking that it's best to get those introductions over with. That could've gone much worse than it did.

And then I got the point about Rick and I just... *shudders* It's an interesting section. On the one hand you've actually got a reasonably positive image of Rick as a person: he's curious, good with his hands, social. But it's the way those skills are shown here, the way you've described them and the way he's using them in a context where they're not appropriate and, in fact, deeply unsettling and inappropriate that flips it around entirely. Goes to show how important context is (and also why you should always ask before handling someone's wheelchair).

Nate is as bad, or worse, though he's not as invasive as Rick is. He's dismissive. They're a stark contrast to one another and show two angles of the same issue really well.

The ending comparison to Darrell is quite sweet, though. He gets more things right than wrong and really makes an effort to learn if he screws up without meaning to. Like dialecticdreamer said: I see a lot of work behind his differences with his parents.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> I'm torn between agreeing with Darrell that meeting his parents was an awful idea best postponed forever and thinking that it's best to get those introductions over with. <<

I think they're the kind of people who are better left out of one's life, but not so toxic you need to get a restraining order and move out of state. Most people who haven't had this kind of experience don't understand that some relatives will ruin your life if allowed in it, and need to be avoided.

>> That could've gone much worse than it did. <<

True.

>> And then I got the point about Rick and I just... *shudders* It's an interesting section. <<

That's the idea.

>> On the one hand you've actually got a reasonably positive image of Rick as a person: he's curious, good with his hands, social. But it's the way those skills are shown here, the way you've described them and the way he's using them in a context where they're not appropriate and, in fact, deeply unsettling and inappropriate that flips it around entirely. <<

Rick isn't an evil man. He has his virtues. But he also has his flaws, and a lot of them are in places he doesn't realize are problematic so he's not doing anything to fix them. Nor is he smart enough to realize spontaneously that he needs to modify his actions or how to do that.

>> Goes to show how important context is (and also why you should always ask before handling someone's wheelchair). <<

Absolutely. But most people don't know that point of wheelchair etiquette, or why it's there (that a wheelchair brainmaps as a body part, so touching it is intimate).

While Brenda will draw hard limits with strangers sometimes -- the way she handled Officer Nott in "A Bug on the Wing" -- she's much less inclined to do that with personal interactions.

>> Nate is as bad, or worse, though he's not as invasive as Rick is. He's dismissive. <<

Nate is blinded by his privilege. Rick is more like a big friendly dog that jumps on people. Being a lawyer, Nate has his uses, and Brenda doesn't want to run him out of her life altogether because he actually is a good lawyer. He's just annoying in ways that overpriviledged men often are.

>> They're a stark contrast to one another and show two angles of the same issue really well. <<

Yay! Then I did it right.

P.I.E. was actually inspired by the way that paranormal romance has assimilated almost the entirety of urban fantasy. I got so sick of the "smart, strong" heroine falling for guys who are assholes, and in fact often dithering over which one to pick from the smorgasbord of asshole boyfriend candidates, that I wanted to write something different. Thus Brenda has Rick and Nate who flirt with her but both have serious drawbacks, and then Darrel shows up being NOT a dick, so she picks him. Darrel has his own flaws, as everyone does -- like being accident-prone -- but his heart is in the right place and he's willing to learn.

>> The ending comparison to Darrell is quite sweet, though. He gets more things right than wrong and really makes an effort to learn if he screws up without meaning to. <<

I'm glad that works for you.

>> Like dialecticdreamer said: I see a lot of work behind his differences with his parents. <<

He probably found himself some good therapy after he left, or some other resource that helped him fill in the gaps and fix the damage.