ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-03-28 12:01 am
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-03-28 12:01 am
Story: "Hairpins" Part 17
This story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16. Skip to Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22.
WARNING: Phil proceeds to lose his shit over the memory of hacking into JARVIS and his interpretation of its implications. Meanwhile JARVIS, who has no idea what has gone wrong with Phil, is worrying his head off. Please make sure you're in safe headspace and environment before deciding whether to read onward.
"Hairpins" Part 17
"... time is 10:23 A.M. on ..."
What Phil had done to JARVIS was inexcusable. There were words for that kind of violation. For that crime. It didn't matter to Phil that the law would read it differently. It didn't matter that he had not known.
How could you not know that you were raping someone?
"... weather is cold and clear today; temperature ..."
The word sawed through his mind, jagged and implacable. Phil's stomach flipped over. He swallowed hard against the sour taste at the back of his throat. He felt disgraced. No, worse than that. He felt filthy.
"... home safe, at Avengers Tower ..."
Phil had done some terrible things in his time. He had lied and manipulated, tortured and killed, to complete a mission or protect his people. You didn't work in espionage without getting your hands dirty. You tried to minimize collateral damage, but in the end, you took responsibility for whatever happened. You made your choices and you lived with the outcomes, good or bad. Phil had always known what he was doing, though, weighed the cost against the gain. He had done those things mindfully and accepted the burdens.
" ... and you can get through this ..."
To have violated someone out of sheer blind ignorance felt so much worse. Phil wondered if he would ever feel clean again.
" ... to focus on your breathing, and now ..."
That reminder helped. Phil seized on it as an anchor. He dragged in a breath, another, struggling to get his wayward body under control. This he knew. This he could do. Phil breathed again, slower, deeper. He wiped his sweaty hands against his trousers. The Starkpad, its screen gone dark, slid off his lap to land on the couch. Phil made himself sit up and look around the room. It seemed unchanged, normal, jarring in comparison to the storm inside him.
"Phil? You seem to be calming down some. Please answer me if you can," said JARVIS.
Phil had only heard that velvet-warm tone a few times before, when Tony or Steve had gotten caught in a flashback -- and yes, now that he thought about it, that was the flashback routine that JARVIS was reciting. "Why are you even still speaking to me?" he wondered aloud, his voice hoarse.
"Your vital signs spiked, and you became unresponsive," JARVIS said. "I worried. How are you feeling now?"
"I'm ..." Phil began, then paused. Fine would be a bald-faced lie. "... not in any danger."
"Would you like me to call someone for you?"
"No." His team didn't need to see him like this; they needed his strength.
"Is there anything I can do that might help you feel better?"
"God, no, you don't owe me anything," Phil said. He stretched, trying to make his ill-fitting body feel like it belonged to him again. His muscles ached as if he'd just run an obstacle course.
"If you want to say anything, I am listening."
"I'm sorry." The words tumbled out before Phil could catch them. "I am so sorry for what I did to you."
"You're sorry. You're not in any danger. What are you sorry about, Phil?" asked JARVIS.
* * *
Notes:
(Many of the following links contain some intense stuff as they examine the mess at hand.)
Phil jumps to a sexual metaphor partly because of the stylistic actions he remembers (i.e. the code is JARVIS' mind, the building is his body, and Phil entered both without consent) and partly because of the severity of violation, even though nobody's genitals were involved. There are already discussions of robot rape underway, as people consider whether an artificial intelligence could commit or suffer such violation. This leads to the question of programmed consent, what it means for an artificial intelligence to be able to consent and what things constitute a breach of integrity. It is, furthermore, damaging for the assailant to treat another sapient being that way, in addition to damaging the victim; in which regard, even facsimile rape is injurious as well as often considered immoral.
There is a close parallel with mind rape, given that AIs tend to be more mind than body and reprogramming them is a violation of their integrity. This overlaps the idea of reprogramming humans through brainwashing, a touchy issue for SHIELD personnel in general and also for the Avengers. It involves not just brutal torture techniques, but also quite subtle manipulation. That is, Phil's intrusion was not violent, but that does not disqualify it from being a violation. Another related category is emotional rape, where the perpetrator seeks to dominate and control the victim. It is closely associated with brainwashing. While Phil was not aiming for humiliation or heartache, he definitely manipulated the relationship between JARVIS and Tony, promoting his own importance beyond what he had honestly earned.
Rape isn't always as easy to recognize as many people would think. Many survivors do not realize they were raped. It is especially difficult for male survivors who were raped by women. Many perpetrators do not think of themselves as rapists. Consider how sexual offenders think about their actions and their different motivations. Now compare this to reprogramming an artificial intelligence. It's "working a no into a yes" all over again. It's dealing with someone whose ability and willingness to give or withhold consent may be imperfect. There are ways to support a survivor of rape or other violation, and to break habits of sexual violence.
(Now we're getting into the links that talk about how to clean up the mess, so they're less icky.)
Remorse is the feeling people have when they have failed to act with integrity and therefore regret their actions. Phil feels dirty because he crossed a line without realizing it at the time, and blames himself. Understand how to live with regret and learn from mistakes.
Achieving emotional control is easier if you understand the different areas and modes of the human brain. Self-trust is the lever that makes it possible to switch gears inside yourself. Then you can use your knowledge to regain control of yourself in a crisis. Even though Phil just knocked himself ass over teakettle, he knows how to get his feet back under him.
Breathing is one of the most important pillars of composure. There are many exercises for breathing your way to calm and relaxation. Deep breathing soothes anxiety especially well. Here is a video of a yoga breathing technique for stress relief.
Aftercare for a flashback or panic attack is as important as support during one. There are tips on caring for yourself after a flashback and helping someone after a panic attack. Understand that various people find different things to be helpful or aggravating; learn what works for you or your friend, and do that. In general, be quiet and gentle, and offer comfort. JARVIS doesn't know Phil intimately yet, but is learning his parameters, and has a standard routine for treating emotional overload. Sadly the Avengers had a lot of Blue Screen of Death episodes, the first few months after moving in.
Mirroring is a technique used in therapy and conversation, where one person repeats or paraphrases what the other person says. It provides validation, supports understanding, and helps identify feelings or ideas that may not be completely clear yet. There are different variations of such conversational reflection. JARVIS uses mirroring to soothe Phil, and to entice enough explanation out of him to learn what went wrong and how to respond.
Apologizing can be a difficult task, but honorable people face it with courage. There are tips on how to make a good apology. Phil blurts his out before he has quite put all the pieces together in his head, let alone put himself back together.
[To be continued in Part 18 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, JARVIS, Clint Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanova, Bruce Banner.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: This story is mostly fluff, but it has some intense scenes in the middle. Highlight for details. These include dubious consent as Phil and JARVIS discuss what really happened when Agent Coulson hacked his way into Stark Tower, over which Phil has something between a flashback and a panic attack. They also discuss some of the bad things that have happened to Avengers in the past, including various flavors of abuse. If these are sensitive topics for you, please think carefully before deciding whether to read onward.
Summary: Uncle Phil needs to pick out pajamas for game night. He gets help from an unexpected direction.
Notes: Service. Shopping. Gifts. Artificial intelligence. Computers. Teamwork. Team as family. Friendship. Communication. Hope. Apologies. Forgiveness. Nonsexual ageplay. Nonsexual intimacy. Love. Tony Stark needs a hug. Bruce Banner needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16. Skip to Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22.
WARNING: Phil proceeds to lose his shit over the memory of hacking into JARVIS and his interpretation of its implications. Meanwhile JARVIS, who has no idea what has gone wrong with Phil, is worrying his head off. Please make sure you're in safe headspace and environment before deciding whether to read onward.
"Hairpins" Part 17
"... time is 10:23 A.M. on ..."
What Phil had done to JARVIS was inexcusable. There were words for that kind of violation. For that crime. It didn't matter to Phil that the law would read it differently. It didn't matter that he had not known.
How could you not know that you were raping someone?
"... weather is cold and clear today; temperature ..."
The word sawed through his mind, jagged and implacable. Phil's stomach flipped over. He swallowed hard against the sour taste at the back of his throat. He felt disgraced. No, worse than that. He felt filthy.
"... home safe, at Avengers Tower ..."
Phil had done some terrible things in his time. He had lied and manipulated, tortured and killed, to complete a mission or protect his people. You didn't work in espionage without getting your hands dirty. You tried to minimize collateral damage, but in the end, you took responsibility for whatever happened. You made your choices and you lived with the outcomes, good or bad. Phil had always known what he was doing, though, weighed the cost against the gain. He had done those things mindfully and accepted the burdens.
" ... and you can get through this ..."
To have violated someone out of sheer blind ignorance felt so much worse. Phil wondered if he would ever feel clean again.
" ... to focus on your breathing, and now ..."
That reminder helped. Phil seized on it as an anchor. He dragged in a breath, another, struggling to get his wayward body under control. This he knew. This he could do. Phil breathed again, slower, deeper. He wiped his sweaty hands against his trousers. The Starkpad, its screen gone dark, slid off his lap to land on the couch. Phil made himself sit up and look around the room. It seemed unchanged, normal, jarring in comparison to the storm inside him.
"Phil? You seem to be calming down some. Please answer me if you can," said JARVIS.
Phil had only heard that velvet-warm tone a few times before, when Tony or Steve had gotten caught in a flashback -- and yes, now that he thought about it, that was the flashback routine that JARVIS was reciting. "Why are you even still speaking to me?" he wondered aloud, his voice hoarse.
"Your vital signs spiked, and you became unresponsive," JARVIS said. "I worried. How are you feeling now?"
"I'm ..." Phil began, then paused. Fine would be a bald-faced lie. "... not in any danger."
"Would you like me to call someone for you?"
"No." His team didn't need to see him like this; they needed his strength.
"Is there anything I can do that might help you feel better?"
"God, no, you don't owe me anything," Phil said. He stretched, trying to make his ill-fitting body feel like it belonged to him again. His muscles ached as if he'd just run an obstacle course.
"If you want to say anything, I am listening."
"I'm sorry." The words tumbled out before Phil could catch them. "I am so sorry for what I did to you."
"You're sorry. You're not in any danger. What are you sorry about, Phil?" asked JARVIS.
* * *
Notes:
(Many of the following links contain some intense stuff as they examine the mess at hand.)
Phil jumps to a sexual metaphor partly because of the stylistic actions he remembers (i.e. the code is JARVIS' mind, the building is his body, and Phil entered both without consent) and partly because of the severity of violation, even though nobody's genitals were involved. There are already discussions of robot rape underway, as people consider whether an artificial intelligence could commit or suffer such violation. This leads to the question of programmed consent, what it means for an artificial intelligence to be able to consent and what things constitute a breach of integrity. It is, furthermore, damaging for the assailant to treat another sapient being that way, in addition to damaging the victim; in which regard, even facsimile rape is injurious as well as often considered immoral.
There is a close parallel with mind rape, given that AIs tend to be more mind than body and reprogramming them is a violation of their integrity. This overlaps the idea of reprogramming humans through brainwashing, a touchy issue for SHIELD personnel in general and also for the Avengers. It involves not just brutal torture techniques, but also quite subtle manipulation. That is, Phil's intrusion was not violent, but that does not disqualify it from being a violation. Another related category is emotional rape, where the perpetrator seeks to dominate and control the victim. It is closely associated with brainwashing. While Phil was not aiming for humiliation or heartache, he definitely manipulated the relationship between JARVIS and Tony, promoting his own importance beyond what he had honestly earned.
Rape isn't always as easy to recognize as many people would think. Many survivors do not realize they were raped. It is especially difficult for male survivors who were raped by women. Many perpetrators do not think of themselves as rapists. Consider how sexual offenders think about their actions and their different motivations. Now compare this to reprogramming an artificial intelligence. It's "working a no into a yes" all over again. It's dealing with someone whose ability and willingness to give or withhold consent may be imperfect. There are ways to support a survivor of rape or other violation, and to break habits of sexual violence.
(Now we're getting into the links that talk about how to clean up the mess, so they're less icky.)
Remorse is the feeling people have when they have failed to act with integrity and therefore regret their actions. Phil feels dirty because he crossed a line without realizing it at the time, and blames himself. Understand how to live with regret and learn from mistakes.
Achieving emotional control is easier if you understand the different areas and modes of the human brain. Self-trust is the lever that makes it possible to switch gears inside yourself. Then you can use your knowledge to regain control of yourself in a crisis. Even though Phil just knocked himself ass over teakettle, he knows how to get his feet back under him.
Breathing is one of the most important pillars of composure. There are many exercises for breathing your way to calm and relaxation. Deep breathing soothes anxiety especially well. Here is a video of a yoga breathing technique for stress relief.
Aftercare for a flashback or panic attack is as important as support during one. There are tips on caring for yourself after a flashback and helping someone after a panic attack. Understand that various people find different things to be helpful or aggravating; learn what works for you or your friend, and do that. In general, be quiet and gentle, and offer comfort. JARVIS doesn't know Phil intimately yet, but is learning his parameters, and has a standard routine for treating emotional overload. Sadly the Avengers had a lot of Blue Screen of Death episodes, the first few months after moving in.
Mirroring is a technique used in therapy and conversation, where one person repeats or paraphrases what the other person says. It provides validation, supports understanding, and helps identify feelings or ideas that may not be completely clear yet. There are different variations of such conversational reflection. JARVIS uses mirroring to soothe Phil, and to entice enough explanation out of him to learn what went wrong and how to respond.
Apologizing can be a difficult task, but honorable people face it with courage. There are tips on how to make a good apology. Phil blurts his out before he has quite put all the pieces together in his head, let alone put himself back together.
[To be continued in Part 18 ...]
Re: Why I love Phil--
(Anonymous) 2014-03-28 04:08 pm (UTC)(link)Since you openly used the term 'sociopath', take it to its logical conclusion: Fury found the position that gave him the MOST opportunity to mess with other people's heads and lives without any personal repercussions.
His position allows him to USE more people. That, I'll grant you.
Re: Why I love Phil--
But yes I agree his position allows him to mess with other people, but he wasn't always in that position and he's still somewhat accountable to others.
Re: Why I love Phil--
Yes, I do. It fits his actions and dialog in canon. He does care about human civilization as a whole, and acts to protect it; he's just indifferent to the amount of damage done along the way. That's not the same as indifferent in general.
>> Since you openly used the term 'sociopath', take it to its logical conclusion: Fury found the position that gave him the MOST opportunity to mess with other people's heads and lives without any personal repercussions. <<
Bear in mind that some competent and respectable people still follow Fury. That implies that he used to be in better shape than he is now, and that they still see something worthwhile in him.
Also, when he goes too far, they start questioning him. Maria Hill was clearly uneasy with Fury's insane trick with Phil's cards -- not enough to stop him outright, but she knew it was wrong and couldn't let it pass without comment.
>> His position allows him to USE more people. That, I'll grant you. <<
This probably does play into his choices.
Re: Why I love Phil--
(Anonymous) 2014-03-28 06:25 pm (UTC)(link)Okay, you each have brought up very valid points. I think one of my key issues with Nick Fury isn't HIS actions, though: as Ysabet pointed out, other people don't do much to call him on it when he goes too far. Hill's comment was so understated as to be tepid, and honestly, if she's high enough rank and has worked with Fury long enough, she'd be the one (surviving) person to openly call Fury on his BS. Yet, she didn't do more than make a mildly snarky comment. Just imagine the scene if she'd said, "If you play it this way, it'll probably blow up in your face... Sir." Still following enough protocol, still citing her objection, but doing so in much stronger ways.
Then again, I have this problem with the majority of mainstream entertainment. Cop shows/detective shows/crime dramas all include at least a couple MAJOR violations of innocent persons' rights, which are either utterly ignored or blown off with victim blaming, to the tune of: "innocent people shouldn't mind---" when the blank is filled with anything from random locker searches in schools to TSA agents manhandling people with impunity.
Sigh. The world needs more Phil Coulsons and Steve Rogers in it.
-Sarah-
Re: Why I love Phil--
Agreed. When people are not held accountable for their actions, they have no outside reason to behave decently; and for some people, inside reasons are not sufficient.
>> Hill's comment was so understated as to be tepid, and honestly, if she's high enough rank and has worked with Fury long enough, she'd be the one (surviving) person to openly call Fury on his BS. <<
Ideally, yes.
>> Yet, she didn't do more than make a mildly snarky comment. Just imagine the scene if she'd said, "If you play it this way, it'll probably blow up in your face... Sir." Still following enough protocol, still citing her objection, but doing so in much stronger ways. <<
It would have been much better. On the other hoof, it would also have derailed the movie plot. On the third hoof, Hill is very astute and very subtle. Like Phil, she can say a great deal, with very little of it out loud. To her that may have been a pointed warning, simply because she said it aloud when normally she does not contradict her senior officer. Then too, Hill likely suspects that something is wrong with Fury, which makes her more inclined to use covert rather than overt means of damage control.
>> Then again, I have this problem with the majority of mainstream entertainment. <<
I agree. It's a key reason why I watch less and less of that.
>> Cop shows/detective shows/crime dramas all include at least a couple MAJOR violations of innocent persons' rights, which are either utterly ignored or blown off with victim blaming, to the tune of: "innocent people shouldn't mind---" <<
Typically yes.
>> when the blank is filled with anything from random locker searches in schools to TSA agents manhandling people with impunity. <<
Understand that much of this material is intended to numb people to the unthinkable so that they become too jaded to fight back effectively. But violations to people's agency do more damage than just the obvious. You wind up with a populace who think it's okay to violate others any way they please, so long as they have the power to do so. This is exactly what sets the scene for pitchforks and torches when that populace turns on its leaders.
I prefer more rational means of problem-solving.
>> Sigh. The world needs more Phil Coulsons and Steve Rogers in it. <<
Yea, verily.
And that's why I write some of the things I do.
Re: Why I love Phil--
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 06:50 pm (UTC)(link)I really don't see that as insane. I see it as a technique used by someone who is NOT A HANDLER, and who is trying to do Phil's job, in a crisis situation, with no guidance. Political grandstanding is what he knows, so it's what he goes with.
--manchieva
Re: Why I love Phil--
But well, if you use a screwdriver to pound nails, you're liable to scratch the wood.
Re: Why I love Phil--
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 12:02 am (UTC)(link)Re: Why I love Phil--
(Anonymous) 2014-04-05 05:50 pm (UTC)(link)I could easily believe that a good man named Nick once made the decision to pay the necessary cost so that he could gain the power to veto arbitrary nuking of Manhattan. That his counterbalance, safety net, and leash was his friend Phil who could be shielded from enough of the frankly immoral necessary decisions that he could /stay/ a noble, empathic man. And that when he suddenly found himself without that necessary guidance on how to handle a group of brilliant, powerful, emotionally damaged individuals, he went with a dramatic gesture that worked perfectly in the very short term and had messy fallout afterwards.
--manchieva
Re: Why I love Phil--
I think that's too much to ask. Don't break each other, don't saw off the branch you're standing on: much more reasonable. (And we can't even manage that ...)
>> But people do not exist in a vacuum. <<
That is exactly why Fury's behavior is a problem, it stains all the way down. What would really happen with a team of superheroes encouraged by someone of that moral fibre? *looks at Afghanistan* I shudder to think.
>> It is made very clear that the Director of SHIELD answers to the WSC, and also that they are a toxically sociopathic organization. <<
Yeah, having the world controlled by those nimrods is A Problem.
>> I find it hard to believe that anybody could climb to power under their aegis without first proving that he can be just as remorseless as they are. <<
Perhaps not impossible, but difficult enough that failure is plausible.
>> Empathy goes both ways. You can't keep it as a tool allowing you to read people and assess the best way of using them without damaging them when you have been forced to suppress its effects on your own emotions so that you can prove yourself to evil people and still be able to sleep at night. <<
Largely true.
>> I could easily believe that a good man named Nick once made the decision to pay the necessary cost so that he could gain the power to veto arbitrary nuking of Manhattan. <<
I think that plays into it.
>> That his counterbalance, safety net, and leash was his friend Phil who could be shielded from enough of the frankly immoral necessary decisions that he could /stay/ a noble, empathic man. <<
True, and their friendship is pretty well established. Maria Hill tries, but Fury doesn't listen to her. Huh, I wonder if Phil repeats what she says, sometimes, so that Fury will do it.
>> And that when he suddenly found himself without that necessary guidance on how to handle a group of brilliant, powerful, emotionally damaged individuals, he went with a dramatic gesture that worked perfectly in the very short term and had messy fallout afterwards. <<
No brakes, no brakes, AAAAAAA!!!
Re: Why I love Phil--
Completely good, like Steve Rogers? Probably not. It is a position that encourages corruption. But not necessarily everyone would succumb to it.
>> I absolutely realize that this is an apologist position, because I have a tendency of trying to find good both in the characters and in the writers who set them up. <<
Fair enough.
>> But I also think it's a potentially valid argument--if the Tesseract did corrupt him, I do not believe it was the first thing to do so. <<
I think Fury would've been in a lot better shape without the Tesseract's influence. Put the two together and instead of ameliorating the damage of the WSC, he compounded it in a different direction.
>> Power corrupts, and even more, power attracts the corruptible. <<
Power tends to corrupt. What that really means is that most people are less good than they pretend to be while other people have influence over them. Power enables. It reveals what people truly are inside. That means sometimes you get Red Skull, and sometimes you get Captain America.
>> I have serious doubts about whether it would be possible for a good man to beat the evil men trying for the job without trading at least half of his soul for expedience and firepower along the way. <<
It's that balance point that makes the difference.