ysabetwordsmith | Touch Aversion

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Touch Aversion

As part of the

three_weeks_for_dw project (running April 25-May 15), I'm posting some content just to Dreamwidth. This is a good opportunity to seek new readers for your blog and new blogs to read, and to recommend stuff you enjoy on other people's blogs to help them make new connections too. Previously we discussed "Skin Hunger." Continue to later sections: "Primates Need Touch," "Self-Soothing and Self-Control," "Compassion and Gentleness," "Creating Safe Space," "Building Trust," "Healthy Vulnerability," "Coping with Emotional Drop."

"Touch Aversion"

Touch aversion is the counterpoint to skin hunger. Some people prefer to abstain from physical contact with other people. This is also known as chiraptophobia, touch avoidance, or tactile defensiveness. It can be considered a subtype of sensory defensiveness. There is a quiz to explore whether you have touch aversion.

Causes may be psychological, physical, or both. Autistic people may dislike touching due to hypersensitivity or difficulty filtering out sensations. Premature birth is also associated with touch aversion. Child abuse often leaves survivors resistant to physical contact; other traumatic experiences such as rape may do the same. Pregnant women sometimes do not want to be touched, although this usually fades after childbirth. Chronic pain and other illnesses can turn mild contact into agony. Someone may resist having one body part touched, but feel okay about others.

Some people may wish to overcome touch aversion, others not. Frequently relatives desire or demand physical contact -- not just spouses, but also parents of tactile-defensive children. It's not a good idea to harass anyone on this point. However, gradual introduction of loving touch can make progress toward finding mutually agreeable forms of contact. Therapy techniques such as anchoring can help overcome touch aversion.

There's a useful saying that sometimes appears in PTSD discussions: "You don't have to eat the eggplant." That means if something bothers you a lot, but comes up rarely, you can just skip it. Things that come up frequently, or are necessary for some reason, may justify the amount of work required to tolerate them. Do a cost-effectiveness assessment. Think about how much time, effort, and expense would be required to get over a particular hangup vs. what you would gain by being able to do that thing with less upset. Then work on the issue(s) that will give you the best bang for your buck. It's up to you whether touching, or certain types of touching, are worth doing or not.

In my research of this topic, I found this interesting snippet about positive portrayals of touch-averse characters. In my research of this topic, I found this interesting snippet about positive portrayals of touch-averse characters. I must admit, I've seen almost none of those anywhere. The Eldritch characters by M.C.A. Hogarth include a few examples; they're touch-telempaths. If I look at my own work, I can identify at least one: Solvig in Hart's Farm. If you read "After Dark," that's typical of her interactions with other people; she rarely seems to touch more than minimally and briefly. Solvig is asexual, aromantic, and reserved in general. She dresses in very sober, modest clothing by choice. She has close positive relationships; she just isn't a physically demonstrative person.

So I'm curious: would folks like to see more coverage of characters who are touch-averse and not otherwise a complete mess?

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Read two Torn World poems featuring touch aversion: "Stinging Like Nettles" and "Wandering the Heights."

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Interesting question you post at the end. I am on the fence as someone with severe touch aversion; on one hand, I'm sure there are people out there who come from an environment where their aversion was better respected and were thus able to grow up with a healthier mind set about it. On the other hand, virtually every person I know with touch aversion has found it to be incredibly difficult and traumatic when it comes to navigating social situations and consequently DO tend to be a bit of a mess - especially if touch has been forced on them or if they've forced it on themselves. So I suppose, as with any characters, I'd like a broader spectrum. I want to see portrayals of people who accept and are untroubled by their touch aversion, and I want to see people it challenges and upsets tremendously.

What I'd like to see more of, perhaps more importantly to me, is people with touch aversion being treated RESPECTFULLY in fiction - not having touch forced on them, not being treated like damaged and flawed, and not being magically fucked out of their problems by someone with a nice smile and a big cock. The sex and/or true love fixes EVERYTHING trope annoys the shit out of me here as much as it does anywhere else because for many of us it's so dishonest. I am married, more or less happily, and my touch aversion didn't poof out of existence for the right person. It's a challenge, often a heartbreaking and frustrating one, we deal with every day.

Second to this, yes.

I think I also would like to see stories that accept that, yes, it can make your life difficult, but that doesn't mean touch aversion is "worse" or "needs fixing more" than skin hunger does. Both the need for touch and the dislike for touch are real experiences that are natural for some people and part of their neurotype, and they can also both cause problems. But problems and differences between people are a part of life and doesn't always mean one person needs to be "cured" because they don't fit the normal type, but, sometimes it just has to be a compromise and accepting that both people have different needs and that's valid.

I feel like I hear people saying "we should fix touch aversion" or "we should work on making it less of an issue" but I never hear people say "we should fix skin hunger", except by giving people what they need. That's because it's seen as normal to have skin hunger but not normal to have touch aversion. But a person with more skin hunger than their partner could mess up a relationship too, just as much as a person with more touch aversion than their partner could. So I'd like to see stories that say that both sides have a responsibility to be respectful of the other person's needs, not just one.

Edited 2013-04-26 19:33 (UTC)

Agreed. One of the big challenges I've had is that I don't really *want* to go through the immense stress of trying to "fix" my touch aversion this late in the game; I want someone to accept it as my range of needs and respect that. I am tired of having to compromise myself to meet other people's skin hunger instead of them compromising by simply not touching me or observing some basic manners, like giving warning or stopping promptly when asked - or, hell, just not exposing me to a guilt trip for saying, "No, I don't want that right now." For the most part, what makes touch aversion problematic is interactions with other people/deviation from a social norm. It isn't necessarily an issue in and of itself until somebody makes it one by trying to force the touch-averse individual to do something they're uncomfortable with.

For the most part, what makes touch aversion problematic is interactions with other people/deviation from a social norm.

Yeah, exactly. In a society where most people were touch-averse, it wouldn't be an issue. As most people aren't like that, what we need is respect.

>> One of the big challenges I've had is that I don't really *want* to go through the immense stress of trying to "fix" my touch aversion this late in the game; I want someone to accept it as my range of needs and respect that. <<

Everyone has issues, challenges, limitations, flaws. It's up to each person to do the cost-effectiveness assessment and decide which of those are worth the amount of work it will take to fix them. And people should respect each other's quirks.

>>I am tired of having to compromise myself to meet other people's skin hunger instead of them compromising by simply not touching me or observing some basic manners, like giving warning or stopping promptly when asked - or, hell, just not exposing me to a guilt trip for saying, "No, I don't want that right now."<<

I'm very much reminded of how my asexual friends feel about relationships -- because 99% of population expects sex as part of a couple-relationship and if that's not on the table, don't want anything to do with you.

It also pisses me off that society says things like "Your body is yours and you decide what happens to it," but doesn't mean because rapeculture and sexism and laws that violate women's bodies and skin-boundary violation and so much other bullshit. And then they get all huffy if you call them on said bullshit.

There is not enough W in TF.

I wrote "Stinging Like Nettles" for the Muse Fusion today, about a touch-averse child in Northern culture. It takes a while for people to figure out what's going on, but once they do, they make allowances for her needs.

Regarding touch aversion vs. skin hunger, there is variable tolerance for both. Most people want some contact so they understand that need at least somewhat; but they're not always accommodating for people who need touch but aren't getting enough. I'd like to see more tolerance in general for people outside the average range.

Ahh, I really like this!

According to my mother I was a baby who also hated cuddles, so this relates to me a lot.

I also like the line, "Maybe she just needs a little more time to get used to the world." Sometimes it feels like that: this body was wrong, and I never really got used to it.

>>Ahh, I really like this!<<

Yay! I'm glad it worked for you.

>>According to my mother I was a baby who also hated cuddles, so this relates to me a lot.<<

Based on the descriptions, touch aversion often seems to start with an uncuddly baby, so that's where I went with the idea.

>>I also like the line, "Maybe she just needs a little more time to get used to the world." Sometimes it feels like that: this body was wrong, and I never really got used to it.<<

Some people have less of a filter than others. Babies have a hard time filtering things out just because they don't have the database yet to determine what is important vs. what is negligible. So it's easy for them to get distracted, frustrated, and confused. Older people can learn coping skills if their filters are below average.

An internet search led me back around to your journal and I just wanted to say that this poem really clicked for me, too. I have the wistful/bitter/grateful feelings about people just automatically adjusting and only expressing themselves in ways she'll actually be able to receive joyfully. Guess I just wanted to say thanks.

>> An internet search led me back around to your journal and I just wanted to say that this poem really clicked for me, too. <<

Yay! It's good to see you again.

>> I have the wistful/bitter/grateful feelings about people just automatically adjusting and only expressing themselves in ways she'll actually be able to receive joyfully. Guess I just wanted to say thanks. <<

*hugs offered*

The Northerners are very accommodating because they have to be -- they live in each other's pockets, and there are so few people they can't afford to waste any manpower. So they have learned to how work around most differences. It's a pretty cozy culture. :D

I've written a sequel to "Stinging Like Nettles."

"Wandering the Heights" -- 98 lines, $24.50
Lekeeth, a young girl with touch aversion, becomes more adventurous as she approaches the time when she'll join an age-set. There is also a sequence where she sympathizes with Taiv, someone I thought likely to suffer from pregnancy-caused hypersensitivity. That's not approved yet so I'll need to check with the character owner.

Just finished reading - I appreciate you posting it! It resonated well with me because I was, by all accounts, a fussy infant who didn't like to be held, screamed bloody murder about being bathed or clothed, and never liked to cuddle. My parents were worried something was *tremendously* wrong with me because I fed poorly and cried almost constantly.

Yay! I'm glad that this resonates for you as a person with tactile issues. I have sensitive skin, so I used that for some inspiration, and beyond that it was based on research and what touch-averse people have said about their experiences.

I'm working with not one but /two/ characters who are somewhat touch averse, for very different reasons.

Navigating this is /incredibly/ difficult for me, as I am touch averse for a /third/ set of reasons, LOL. What I want to show is that they can have /trouble/ navigating what's okay for whom, even when they are doing their VERY best to respect and comfort each other.

Sooth.

Let's see, I have Lakia who is not so much averse but indifferent to a lot of touch or interaction because she was neglected. Nathaniel has sensory processing disorder and super-senses, so he's more tactile-defensive because some things are just really uncomfortable for him. Hadyn is contact and conflict avoidant because her superpower is self-detonation, which went off the first time when her father tried to molest her, and now she's terrified it will happen again. Their current family is understanding about these things and trying to figure out where the boundaries are and how to meet everyone's needs.

Lawrence has both touch-aversion and skin-hunger, which is confusing and frustrating, because he's neglected by his mother and was abused by his father. His boyfriend Stan wants to be supportive, but does not always know how -- Lawrence is still learning to articulate his needs, so they're going back and forth a lot as they work out parameters of their relationship.

I write Bruce-and-Hulk as having both touch-aversion and skin-hunger, plus intermittent SPD issues, based on some canon references -- things like "I'm exposed, like a nerve. It's a nightmare." Generally speaking I like to have other characters respect things like contact permission, but challenge Bruce's hostile treatment of Hulk.

Most of the characters who have these issues have barely gotten any time in print--

Glyn, whose sister was the Bridezilla in "Brittle Words" is both touch-averse and has a level of skin-hunger that would be clocked at 'voracious' if she acknowledged it. Her friend Drew is one of six kids, who express different levels of touch /preference/, but no outright avoidance behaviors, and their limits are respected by the rest of the family. What they tend to do isn't asking-permission type limits, but rather, making it clear who is always up for more contact and just letting the less-tactile person move in and out of contact at their tolerance level, which makes the different needs less obvious.

>> Most of the characters who have these issues have barely gotten any time in print-- <<

... yet. ;) I am hopeful of more.

>> Glyn, whose sister was the Bridezilla in "Brittle Words" is both touch-averse and has a level of skin-hunger that would be clocked at 'voracious' if she acknowledged it. <<

I think she'll get there eventually, and learn how to feed it in healthier ways.

>> Her friend Drew is one of six kids, who express different levels of touch /preference/, but no outright avoidance behaviors, and their limits are respected by the rest of the family. <<

I think it's interesting to see who tends to glom all over people, who's in the middle, and who is reserved. It means something different if a normally less-huggy person plasters herself all over someone.

It's interesting that you mention /that/ switch, because usually I see the reverse in print, where the huggy type suddenly goes "bashful" our outright avoids someone.

*ponder* I think it's because huggy to bashful is useful in signalling that someone is either dangerous or a love interest. There are many of those stories.

Reserved or moderate to huggy is a shift that indicates someone is safe, but more often as a friend than a love interest. There are fewer stories like this.

>> Glyn, whose sister was the Bridezilla in "Brittle Words" <<

That reminds me, it would be fascinating to see how other people view Delia. She may be popular in places where she is performing or volunteering, but I bet the florist, baker, seamstress, etc. who catered the wedding all hate her and her whole damn family. There are some people who seem popular, privileged, and charming on the surface but if you look deeper then the rot shows.

Or in dating advice: someone who is rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

Delia is a little outside the scope of things right now; she's at school in another state, finishing up her senior year of college... But the locals /all/ remember her quite vividly, G.

That's what I figured -- she might not be there, but people remember whether she was indispensable, or kind of a cunt.

I am a touch aversion person, I didn't grow out of either. I learned to cope. When I am touched by surprise the feeling varies between a light electrical charge through my body and I have a mild withdrawal response to if grabbed or touch from behind it is a lightening bolt and painful and my response it aggressive and reflexive. I hit the person who touched me then figure out there is no threat. Very strong hit first figure it out later fight response. As far as receiving touch, I am very limited. I have learned to hug and am told I give great hugs. I otherwise do not receive touch. I get sensory overload pretty quickly, and cannot tolerate light touch especially. I am very tactually defensive. If over loaded my body goes into spasm, full body convulsion that may last for hours. So, I don't subject myself to stimulation that may overload my nervous system. On the other hand you will be surprised to know I am an expert at touching people. I have specialty in treating pain, and often relieve peoples pain with my touch. I am interested in connecting with other touch aversive people.

>> I am a touch aversion person, I didn't grow out of either. <<

Some people do, some don't. In my observation, people are more likely to outgrow it if it's either a circumstantial issue and circumstances change, or something physiological that changes over lifespan (like hormones) or that can be mindfully altered (like shaving hair). It is less likely to be outgrown if the cause is chronic or stable, such as developmental trauma disorder or an overgrowth of pain receptors. Some people have managed to hack their way around it with metaphysics, but that kind of "mind over matter" is pretty high-level stuff that not everyone can achieve. Social engineering and adaptive equipment are much more feasible solutions if one has access to the materials.

Really, a lot depends on the specific cause, and that's hard to pin down when the health industry tends to think of "touch aversion" as one thing and a mental problem rather than a whole bunch of things that could be mental and/or physical. Most folks wind up having to do that work themselves, if they can, or guess if they can't. There isn't a great deal of material about it that's really good, which doesn't help, but some people have managed to solve their issues anyway.

>> I learned to cope. <<

Go you!

>> When I am touched by surprise the feeling varies between a light electrical charge through my body and I have a mild withdrawal response to if grabbed or touch from behind it is a lightening bolt and painful and my response it aggressive and reflexive. <<

That really sounds like an electromagnetic issue, especially combined with some other stuff you've said. Think about how the human body runs on biochemistry that manages electrical signals, and generates an energy field. In most people it's fairly weak but stable. In some people, it's a lot stronger, sometimes more volatile, and can have different effects. So if you're looking for ways to manage your sensory input, electromagnetism might be a useful branch of science to explore.

Me, I don't handle electronic anything if I can avoid it. I tend to fry things. I'm lucky I can use a computer, we've got various ways of helping that along, but it's still iffy and the thing routinely does stuff that makes my geek friends mutter, "That's not actually possible." On a stormy day, I can generate enough energy to get contact burns from static electricity if I'm not careful. Zapping me on purpose is an attack and gets treated as such. But safe, casual touch usually isn't a problem for me.

>> I hit the person who touched me then figure out there is no threat. Very strong hit first figure it out later fight response. <<

Well, there might not be a social threat if the person doesn't know about your touch aversion and doesn't intend to harm you. But if it's painful, then it is a physical threat and you need to stop it as soon as possible. If the person knows about your touch aversion and grabs you anyway, then it's also a social threat and constitutes a form of abuse, the same as if they knowingly grabbed, say, a person with fibromyalgia or a recent back injury. To say nothing of grabbing a veteran, which is a good way to get thrown into a wall or worse.

My fight reaction used to be a lot more hair-trigger, and is composed of various layers. In a generally safe environment, it can turn down low enough for casual contact to be safe. But anything that registers as an attack, especially an unexpected grab from behind, can still activate a counterattack. When I was in high school, I met a friend with similar dynamics, and after a couple close calls we realized we'd better work on that before one of us tossed the other down the stairs. 0_o Took us a few weeks of concerted effort, but we got it down to a level we considered reasonable and we learned not to pounce on each other. It helped that our then-current school was safer and saner than previous ones, usually.

>> As far as receiving touch, I am very limited.<<

That can be frustrating. :( It depends on where your skin hunger is in relation to your touch aversion, though. Low skin hunger and high touch aversion is tolerable for many folks. High both tends to be miserable.

>> I have learned to hug and am told I give great hugs. <<

Yay, progress!

>> I otherwise do not receive touch. <<

Sometimes, this is the least-worst option.

>> I get sensory overload pretty quickly, and cannot tolerate light touch especially. I am very tactually defensive. <<

These are common traits in touch-averse people. In particular, the body uses a different set of nerves for different types of touch. Light touch seems to be the most prone to malfunctions, possibly because it's part of the early-warning system and thus more alert. Deep touch seems to be the most stable, possibly related to how it's the hardest to knock out with anaesthetics.

There's a whole range of touch therapies to cope with or reduce touch aversion. Some people get great results and others can't tolerate them at all, but it's useful to know the menu. Skin brushing tends to work quite well for people who can tolerate it, but that's not everyone. I knew people, especially furries, who relied heavily on that as a calming method for many years before it started popping up in reference to a formal therapeutic protocol. Hair brushing has always been a human bonding activity, which goes all the way back to primate ancestors. "Thunking" is a deep-touch proprioception activity, again variable in tolerance, but it has a lot more self-applied options like jumping up and down or punching a heavy bag. There are now many pieces of adaptive equipment available, from weighted blankets to canoe chairs, that are quite popular with touch-averse folks.

>> If over loaded my body goes into spasm, full body convulsion that may last for hours. So, I don't subject myself to stimulation that may overload my nervous system. <<

Very logical. This is one of the other things that makes me think yours relates to electromagnetism. It's behaving a lot like the kind of short that happens from crossed wires. Big neuro-electric malfunctions in the human body can cause convulsions, like from epilepsy or touching a live current. That makes it essential to avoid that kind of overload, because convulsions are really hard on the brain and other body parts.

>> On the other hand you will be surprised to know I am an expert at touching people.<<

That's actually an outlier cluster. Some touch-averse people are okay with touching other people but not being touched. (Compare with the "stone" orientation in lesbians.) Occasionally that turns into something like massage therapy. Humans often demand touch and will steal it if not given freely, so if you make a habit of providing touch in a way acceptable to you, this can reduce the tendency toward random unwanted touching. It's an easier solution than convincing people in rape-friendly America that unwanted touching actually is assault.

>> I have specialty in treating pain, and often relieve peoples pain with my touch. <<

This is another thing that makes me think of electromagnetism. Compare with the copper gloves some people find helpful, or a TENS unit. These are some ways to block or scramble the electrical part of pain signals. That works amazingly well for some people, moderately for many, not at all for some, and occasionally it makes matters worse. Depends a lot on the strength and stability of a person's energy field.

This is certainly something you could explore. However, adding any more energy to a high-energy field can be risky, and that includes just touching some things like very conductive metals, so getting a read of your energy field may be challenging. Plus of course, the possibility of frying electronics can make measurement difficult if that's an issue you have. If you want to explore with live equipment, I suggest having a spotter who is 1) good at first aid, 2) fully fluent with your form of touch aversion enough to take "stop" for an answer, and 3) willing and able to defend you from interlopers if necessary. But information is valuable, and knowing more about how your touch-aversion works could open up new ideas for coping with or reducing it.

>> I am interested in connecting with other touch aversive people.<<

Hang out here, I know I've got some others in my audience, with various types and levels of touch-aversion. If you watch for my writing about touch-aversion and skin-hunger, you can see who comments talking about those issues. I have several very popular characters with such traits.

I have used the Wilbarger protocol of brushing in the past. I have done the sensory diet protocols, like heavy work activity, such as push ups, and wrapping up in a blanket etc.

I agree that I'm wired differently, and likely electromagnetic. My body can build a lot of static electricity. I do not handle electrical stimulation well like TNS, it ramps up my nervous system and is also very painful.

I am told I have a huge Aura. I also know that other's feel my presence just walking into a room.
I can also feel other's approaching me w/o seeing. I can know that someone is going to touch me, observe the the touch coming, and I still jump. I may not hit because I know I'm going to be touched. I can feel someone looking at me.

I do not tolerate very many acupuncture needles in my body. If there are too many, my body goes into tetany as I described before. My acupuncturist would have to choose carefully his needle placement.
I cannot lay still to let him put a needle in my foot. I have to sit up to watch and will my foot to stay still. Yet, I may still withdraw. A primitive reflex flexor withdrawal.

I have hyperactive reflexes as well.

I am the person who will catch a person falling, or anything else.

I am the person who will know if there is danger or distress.

I will respond faster than most.

I should have used the word tetany vs convulsion when my body is overloaded. It is full body muscle spasms and shaking, but is not seizure activity. When it happens, it goes on for hours. It hasn't happened in many years. Of course I have done a good job of limiting my touch experiences.

Thank You again for your thoughtful response.

I will try to look at your posts to learn more and to connect to others.

I appreciate you sharing your experience as well.

I am considering writing a book that not only tells my story, and also other's stories. I would like to know more about what other's have done to cope, gain resolution, learn to be touched, or not, relationships etc.
Would you be willing to allow me to include your story as well?

I haven't heard the term Stone Lesbian before. I don't know what that implies.

Thank You

Theresa

>>I have used the Wilbarger protocol of brushing in the past. I have done the sensory diet protocols, like heavy work activity, such as push ups, and wrapping up in a blanket etc.<<

It helps for some people, especially if part of the problem is a sensory disconnect.

>>I agree that I'm wired differently, and likely electromagnetic. My body can build a lot of static electricity. I do not handle electrical stimulation well like TNS, it ramps up my nervous system and is also very painful<<

Yeah, that fits.

>>I am told I have a huge Aura. I also know that other's feel my presence just walking into a room.
I can also feel other's approaching me w/o seeing. I can know that someone is going to touch me, observe the the touch coming, and I still jump. I may not hit because I know I'm going to be touched. I can feel someone looking at me.<<

Logical.

>>I am the person who will catch a person falling, or anything else.

I am the person who will know if there is danger or distress.

I will respond faster than most.<<

Those are all useful.

>>Thank You again for your thoughtful response.

I will try to look at your posts to learn more and to connect to others.

I appreciate you sharing your experience as well.<<

*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.

>>I am considering writing a book that not only tells my story, and also other's stories. I would like to know more about what other's have done to cope, gain resolution, learn to be touched, or not, relationships etc.<<

Great idea.

>>Would you be willing to allow me to include your story as well? <<

Possibly some of it, but there things I'll say to one person that I wouldn't put in a published book.

>>I haven't heard the term Stone Lesbian before. I don't know what that implies.<<

It means someone who enjoys giving sexual pleasure but not receiving it. This is not as common as it used to be but still occurs, particularly in people who just don't like their own sex parts.

https://lgbt.fandom.com/wiki/Stone_butch

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