ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-05-14 12:01 am
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-05-14 12:01 am
Story: "Am I Not" Part 5
This story belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Hairpins," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys,""Saudades," "Querencia," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," "Happy Hour," and "Green Eggs and Hulk."
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
Here ends "Am I Not." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Next up, tomorrow I'm going to offer a story inspired by Norse mythology, about Loki and Odin, in exchange for audience interaction. After that, we'll switch back to Love Is For Children with "Blended."
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
"Am I Not" Part 5
Loki had used the staff to secure their service. He had used it shamelessly, because it was all he had. Loki wished for men to desire him as their lord, to follow him, to admire him. If they would not of their own accord, why then he would make them.
But he was ashamed, in the end, wasn't he? Ashamed that he could not hold the kind of court that Thor could, forever cast in his brother's shadow while followers flocked to Thor like geese when a baker flings bread. Instead all of Loki's efforts failed, as usual.
Trapped, waiting for his captors to come and snatch him up again -- Loki could do nothing to stop it. His whole world would pay the price for his folly. No one would believe him if he tried to warn them. They never did. Sometimes Loki wondered why he wasted his breath.
Hope, I suppose, he said to himself. But then that went over the edge of the Bifröst, did it not?
Still Loki could not help himself. He would think of something. He had to. There was nobody else to do it. He could not let Asgard fall to the machinations of the Other, not without at least trying to save it. Even if it had never truly been his home, it was dear to his mother. For her sake he would dare even failure.
With a sigh, Loki turned his attention to the books she had left for him. They were old, and dusty, held together more by preservation spells than by ancient leather. The scent of his mother's magic clung to them like perfume. Loki picked up the uppermost volume and pressed his cheek against it, trying to capture the fleeting impression of her fingers upon the cover. He brushed the dust away, and the title glittered silver in elvish runes.
His mother had introduced him to the magic of the Ljósálfar when he was no more than a stripling. Challenging as it was, it had captivated his attention more than most of Asgard's offerings on the topic. That had led to his mad adventures among the uppermost twigs of Yggdrasil. But surely this was a mistake, Frigga could not have meant --
Loki caught his breath.
Do the work your tutors have left for you ...
If he could use the things she had sent to him, books and flasks and brazier and all, so very innocuous, so plausibly deniable, except that he had never needed the whole of a sorcerer's workspace when the best of his power lay beneath his own skin, such that these few tidbits meant far more than they seemed in his hands. If he could take advantage of the time he was given to study, months or years or however long it took. If he could find out what had been done to him. If he could find a way to undo it. Then he would have a chance, and by the Norns he would take it, whatever the cost.
Loki was nothing, if not his mother's son. This he could do.
... and then you may go play.
* * *
Notes:
Many people want to be liked, but it's better to be yourself. People may also want to be respected or admired. There are ways to stop seeking approval. Loki craves affirmation from other people because he got too little of it growing up, and starving people do crazy things sometimes.
There are many definitions of shame. It can turn toxic, and shame-based people suffer a lot of problems. Know how to overcome shame. The most important thing here is Loki's honesty with himself: admitting that what he did to Clint and Eric was disgraceful, did not meet his needs, and only made him feel worse. So Loki isn't likely to repeat that mistake.
False love can be toxic. Understand how to distinguish between healthy real love and harmful false love. What feelings the staff created in Clint and Eric were artificial, and therefore unsatisfying. What Clint, Eric, and Loki felt about each other on their own was muddied by the manipulation but still genuine, and will remain for them to deal with later.
Hope is sweet when present and bitter when lost. There are ways to overcome hopelessness, including particular advice for different types of it. Loki's suicide attempt was spurred by a loss of hope when Odin made it clear that nothing Loki did would ever be good enough.
The Ljósálfar or light elves appear in Norse mythology and Marvel canon. They are associated with magic, including the ability to pass through doors or travel the branches of Yggdrasil. Given that Loki and Frigga have magic, but Asgard seems to look down on such things, it's likely that at least some of their knowledge comes from places where people respect it more. Here's a good essay about their use of magic in Thor 2: The Dark World.
Plausible deniability originally had political connotations. In certain subcultures, however -- kink and Paganism among them -- it refers instead to the use of ordinary objects for ulterior purposes. A wooden spoon makes a fine whapping toy; a candle is equally useful for blackouts or rituals. In this case, Loki's cell is full of stuff that any sorcerer could use for spellcasting, but which the battle-minded Asgardian guards would never recognize as any kind of credible threat. In essence, Frigga slipped him a nail file in a cake that nobody would look for. You don't give a master sorcerer books unless you want to stage a jailbreak. How do we know it's Frigga? Nobody else gives a fuck about Loki and all the other cells were barren. The goodies had to come from her.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
Fandom: The Avengers, Thor
Characters: Loki, Frigga
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Past abuse. Past torture. Past suicide attempt. Past mindrape. Dubious consent / nonconsent. Soul violence. Imprisonment. Isolation. Racism. Internalized racism. Self-hate. Self-destructive behavior. Shame. Envy. Depression. Dysfunctional family dynamics. Verbal abuse. Victim-blaming. WARN ALL THE THINGS.
Summary: Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.
Notes: Hurt/Comfort. Mostly hurt. Emotional whump. Angst. Adoption. Sibling rivalry. Manipulation. Communication issues. Truth. Lies. Poor intrapersonal skills. Nonsexual love. Boundary issues. Trust issues. Daddy issues. Maternal love. Subterfuge. Rejection. Books. Reading. Magic. Wisdom. Hope. Loki's head is a bag of cats. You can smell crazy on him. Loki needs a hug.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
Here ends "Am I Not." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of favorite photogenic scenes from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
Next up, tomorrow I'm going to offer a story inspired by Norse mythology, about Loki and Odin, in exchange for audience interaction. After that, we'll switch back to Love Is For Children with "Blended."
A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.
"Am I Not" Part 5
Loki had used the staff to secure their service. He had used it shamelessly, because it was all he had. Loki wished for men to desire him as their lord, to follow him, to admire him. If they would not of their own accord, why then he would make them.
But he was ashamed, in the end, wasn't he? Ashamed that he could not hold the kind of court that Thor could, forever cast in his brother's shadow while followers flocked to Thor like geese when a baker flings bread. Instead all of Loki's efforts failed, as usual.
Trapped, waiting for his captors to come and snatch him up again -- Loki could do nothing to stop it. His whole world would pay the price for his folly. No one would believe him if he tried to warn them. They never did. Sometimes Loki wondered why he wasted his breath.
Hope, I suppose, he said to himself. But then that went over the edge of the Bifröst, did it not?
Still Loki could not help himself. He would think of something. He had to. There was nobody else to do it. He could not let Asgard fall to the machinations of the Other, not without at least trying to save it. Even if it had never truly been his home, it was dear to his mother. For her sake he would dare even failure.
With a sigh, Loki turned his attention to the books she had left for him. They were old, and dusty, held together more by preservation spells than by ancient leather. The scent of his mother's magic clung to them like perfume. Loki picked up the uppermost volume and pressed his cheek against it, trying to capture the fleeting impression of her fingers upon the cover. He brushed the dust away, and the title glittered silver in elvish runes.
His mother had introduced him to the magic of the Ljósálfar when he was no more than a stripling. Challenging as it was, it had captivated his attention more than most of Asgard's offerings on the topic. That had led to his mad adventures among the uppermost twigs of Yggdrasil. But surely this was a mistake, Frigga could not have meant --
Loki caught his breath.
Do the work your tutors have left for you ...
If he could use the things she had sent to him, books and flasks and brazier and all, so very innocuous, so plausibly deniable, except that he had never needed the whole of a sorcerer's workspace when the best of his power lay beneath his own skin, such that these few tidbits meant far more than they seemed in his hands. If he could take advantage of the time he was given to study, months or years or however long it took. If he could find out what had been done to him. If he could find a way to undo it. Then he would have a chance, and by the Norns he would take it, whatever the cost.
Loki was nothing, if not his mother's son. This he could do.
... and then you may go play.
* * *
Notes:
Many people want to be liked, but it's better to be yourself. People may also want to be respected or admired. There are ways to stop seeking approval. Loki craves affirmation from other people because he got too little of it growing up, and starving people do crazy things sometimes.
There are many definitions of shame. It can turn toxic, and shame-based people suffer a lot of problems. Know how to overcome shame. The most important thing here is Loki's honesty with himself: admitting that what he did to Clint and Eric was disgraceful, did not meet his needs, and only made him feel worse. So Loki isn't likely to repeat that mistake.
False love can be toxic. Understand how to distinguish between healthy real love and harmful false love. What feelings the staff created in Clint and Eric were artificial, and therefore unsatisfying. What Clint, Eric, and Loki felt about each other on their own was muddied by the manipulation but still genuine, and will remain for them to deal with later.
Hope is sweet when present and bitter when lost. There are ways to overcome hopelessness, including particular advice for different types of it. Loki's suicide attempt was spurred by a loss of hope when Odin made it clear that nothing Loki did would ever be good enough.
The Ljósálfar or light elves appear in Norse mythology and Marvel canon. They are associated with magic, including the ability to pass through doors or travel the branches of Yggdrasil. Given that Loki and Frigga have magic, but Asgard seems to look down on such things, it's likely that at least some of their knowledge comes from places where people respect it more. Here's a good essay about their use of magic in Thor 2: The Dark World.
Plausible deniability originally had political connotations. In certain subcultures, however -- kink and Paganism among them -- it refers instead to the use of ordinary objects for ulterior purposes. A wooden spoon makes a fine whapping toy; a candle is equally useful for blackouts or rituals. In this case, Loki's cell is full of stuff that any sorcerer could use for spellcasting, but which the battle-minded Asgardian guards would never recognize as any kind of credible threat. In essence, Frigga slipped him a nail file in a cake that nobody would look for. You don't give a master sorcerer books unless you want to stage a jailbreak. How do we know it's Frigga? Nobody else gives a fuck about Loki and all the other cells were barren. The goodies had to come from her.
~ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED ~
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