ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-02-05 04:35 am
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2014-02-05 04:35 am
Poem: "Saudades" Part 5
This poem belongs to the series Love Is For Children which includes "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," "Birthday Girl," "No Winter Lasts Forever," "Hide and Seek," "Kernel Error," and "Happy Hour."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bruce Banner, Hulk, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Betty Ross.
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: A majority of this poem is sad, because Bruce's past and his head are both unhappy places, although it has a happy ending. That said, going inside Bruce's messed-up mind requires warnings, some of which are spoilers; highlight to read them. This poem mentions child abuse, domestic violence, parental death, homelessness, extreme poverty, self-hatred, deep depression, self-destruction and self-harm, chronic emotional suppression, mass destruction, casualties, attempted suicide, colonization, grief, childhood marriage, betrayal, childlessness, victimization, learned helplessness, lies, dysfunctional family dynamics, and killing dreams. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading further.
Summary: Bruce spends years on the run, hunted and hurting, trying to make the world a better place anyhow. Then the Avengers happen, and things begin to get better, and Bruce does not know what to do with that.
Notes: Bruce!whump. ALL THE FEELS. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Alienation. Regrets. Multiplicity/Plurality. Travel. Friendship. Confusion. Caregiving. Communication. Anger management issues. Running away from problems. Nobody listens to Bruce. Loss of control. Saving the world. Insomnia. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Science bros. Fear of punishment. Surprises. Love. Bruce Banner needs a hug. Hulk needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
"Saudades" Part 5
Saudade is speaking to Barton
about what it is like to be taken over,
trapped in the back of your own mind
while someone else controls your body.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't say over and over again,
"It wasn't your fault, Barton.
You couldn't help yourself."
Bruce knows that it would do no good,
so he says only, "I understand,"
and he does, oh, he does.
It doesn't make Barton feel better,
but maybe, just maybe,
it makes him feel a little less bad.
Saudade is speaking to Rogers
about loss, because Bruce knows
what it's like to lose everyone and everything;
and about drowning, because he tried that
along with the gun and the poisons,
so he knows how much worse it is
when you breathe icewater that feels like knives
and you can't die, can't escape into death.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't tell Rogers,
"Time heals all wounds. Move on.
You'll get over it eventually."
Bruce knows he won't,
knows there is no getting over
something like this.
You just learn to live with the pain,
like a piece of shrapnel next to your heart.
"I hear you," Bruce says instead,
and he does, even when Rogers
does not speak his grief aloud.
Which brings him to Stark, of course,
because that is part of Stark's problem,
a cluster of shrapnel like his own personal briar patch.
Saudade is talking to Stark
about how it feels to give your all
to a career and a dream and a specialty
only to discover that you've shot yourself in the foot
and the price of that knowledge is higher
than you ever could have imagined
and you aren't even the one paying the worst of it.
Bruce speaks of guilt and shame
and blood that won't come off
for any amount of handwashing.
He speaks of sucking chest wounds
and broken hearts and desperation,
emptiness plugged up with unwelcome power.
A terrible privilege.
Yes, yes it is.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't tell Stark,
"You've learned your lesson.
You could go back into weapons,
just be more careful this time."
Bruce knows what it means
to beat your own desire to death with a shovel.
"Green power holds a lot of promise," he says,
because they both need to believe in
some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.
Saudade is talking to Romanova not at all
but suspecting that her numbness
is greater than his own.
She no longer reeks of fear,
or anger, or anything at all,
and the hollow space where
her feelings should be
is a terrifying thing indeed.
Bruce is not the only person
who gives her silence a wide berth.
And then there is game night.
* * *
Notes:
Clint and Bruce fear losing control, both over what they do and what is done to them. There are ways to cope with loss of control. They also feel trapped, a common symptom of depression. Know how to break out of mental traps. They worry about people manipulating them. You can take steps to prevent manipulation.
Losing everyone is a common fear. Steve and Bruce have both experienced this, in different ways.
Surviving a suicide attempt means facing an unbearable situation all over again. There are some things that help. Bruce tried to kill himself (and Hulk) directly and purposely, to avoid another incident and to escape emotional torment. Steve crashed a plane to keep it from destroying a city. What they have in common is that neither of them expected to get stuck with the aftermath, and they did, and that's miserable.
Chronic emotional pain is something a lot of the Avengers share. Understand how to deal with the heartache and how to release emotional turbulence.
Survivor guilt is especially bad if you've hurt someone else along the way, as Tony and Bruce both have. Explore how to make peace with a guilty conscience and forgive yourself after hurting others.
Sometimes it's necessary to kill your own dreams, especially if they are hazardous to you or other people. Ask yourself some questions first. Then learn to let go of your dreams. Tony and Bruce have given up major life goals because the maintenance cost was just too high.
Emotional numbness makes it hard to navigate through life, because you can't perceive much of what you want or don't want. Connections with other people are impaired too. Know what to do if you feel emotionally numb. There are also ways to cope with emotionally unavailable people. Natasha and Bruce both have blunted affect and dissociative tendencies.
[To be concluded in Part 6 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Bruce Banner, Hulk, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Phil Coulson, Nick Fury, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Betty Ross.
Medium: Poetry
Warnings: A majority of this poem is sad, because Bruce's past and his head are both unhappy places, although it has a happy ending. That said, going inside Bruce's messed-up mind requires warnings, some of which are spoilers; highlight to read them. This poem mentions child abuse, domestic violence, parental death, homelessness, extreme poverty, self-hatred, deep depression, self-destruction and self-harm, chronic emotional suppression, mass destruction, casualties, attempted suicide, colonization, grief, childhood marriage, betrayal, childlessness, victimization, learned helplessness, lies, dysfunctional family dynamics, and killing dreams. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading further.
Summary: Bruce spends years on the run, hunted and hurting, trying to make the world a better place anyhow. Then the Avengers happen, and things begin to get better, and Bruce does not know what to do with that.
Notes: Bruce!whump. ALL THE FEELS. Angst. Hurt/Comfort. Fear of loss. Alienation. Regrets. Multiplicity/Plurality. Travel. Friendship. Confusion. Caregiving. Communication. Anger management issues. Running away from problems. Nobody listens to Bruce. Loss of control. Saving the world. Insomnia. Hope. Nonsexual ageplay. Science bros. Fear of punishment. Surprises. Love. Bruce Banner needs a hug. Hulk needs a hug. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
"Saudades" Part 5
Saudade is speaking to Barton
about what it is like to be taken over,
trapped in the back of your own mind
while someone else controls your body.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't say over and over again,
"It wasn't your fault, Barton.
You couldn't help yourself."
Bruce knows that it would do no good,
so he says only, "I understand,"
and he does, oh, he does.
It doesn't make Barton feel better,
but maybe, just maybe,
it makes him feel a little less bad.
Saudade is speaking to Rogers
about loss, because Bruce knows
what it's like to lose everyone and everything;
and about drowning, because he tried that
along with the gun and the poisons,
so he knows how much worse it is
when you breathe icewater that feels like knives
and you can't die, can't escape into death.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't tell Rogers,
"Time heals all wounds. Move on.
You'll get over it eventually."
Bruce knows he won't,
knows there is no getting over
something like this.
You just learn to live with the pain,
like a piece of shrapnel next to your heart.
"I hear you," Bruce says instead,
and he does, even when Rogers
does not speak his grief aloud.
Which brings him to Stark, of course,
because that is part of Stark's problem,
a cluster of shrapnel like his own personal briar patch.
Saudade is talking to Stark
about how it feels to give your all
to a career and a dream and a specialty
only to discover that you've shot yourself in the foot
and the price of that knowledge is higher
than you ever could have imagined
and you aren't even the one paying the worst of it.
Bruce speaks of guilt and shame
and blood that won't come off
for any amount of handwashing.
He speaks of sucking chest wounds
and broken hearts and desperation,
emptiness plugged up with unwelcome power.
A terrible privilege.
Yes, yes it is.
Bruce may be the only person
who doesn't tell Stark,
"You've learned your lesson.
You could go back into weapons,
just be more careful this time."
Bruce knows what it means
to beat your own desire to death with a shovel.
"Green power holds a lot of promise," he says,
because they both need to believe in
some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.
Saudade is talking to Romanova not at all
but suspecting that her numbness
is greater than his own.
She no longer reeks of fear,
or anger, or anything at all,
and the hollow space where
her feelings should be
is a terrifying thing indeed.
Bruce is not the only person
who gives her silence a wide berth.
And then there is game night.
* * *
Notes:
Clint and Bruce fear losing control, both over what they do and what is done to them. There are ways to cope with loss of control. They also feel trapped, a common symptom of depression. Know how to break out of mental traps. They worry about people manipulating them. You can take steps to prevent manipulation.
Losing everyone is a common fear. Steve and Bruce have both experienced this, in different ways.
Surviving a suicide attempt means facing an unbearable situation all over again. There are some things that help. Bruce tried to kill himself (and Hulk) directly and purposely, to avoid another incident and to escape emotional torment. Steve crashed a plane to keep it from destroying a city. What they have in common is that neither of them expected to get stuck with the aftermath, and they did, and that's miserable.
Chronic emotional pain is something a lot of the Avengers share. Understand how to deal with the heartache and how to release emotional turbulence.
Survivor guilt is especially bad if you've hurt someone else along the way, as Tony and Bruce both have. Explore how to make peace with a guilty conscience and forgive yourself after hurting others.
Sometimes it's necessary to kill your own dreams, especially if they are hazardous to you or other people. Ask yourself some questions first. Then learn to let go of your dreams. Tony and Bruce have given up major life goals because the maintenance cost was just too high.
Emotional numbness makes it hard to navigate through life, because you can't perceive much of what you want or don't want. Connections with other people are impaired too. Know what to do if you feel emotionally numb. There are also ways to cope with emotionally unavailable people. Natasha and Bruce both have blunted affect and dissociative tendencies.
[To be concluded in Part 6 ...]
And then there was game night
Re: And then there was game night