ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2025-04-18 08:46 pm
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2025-04-18 08:46 pm
Entry tags:
Safety
WHAT MAKES A HOME FEEL SAFE FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE?
Autistic children and adults often lack access to spaces that make them feel safe, or allow them to decompress and be themselves without interference or unwelcome scrutiny. Sometimes a lack of safe spaces is no one’s fault, as when living quarters have limited size or privacy. But too often, autistic safety, comfort, and ease are not considered due to a lack of autism understanding, or rejected outright due to insistence on complying with non-autistic lifestyle approaches.
While ideally all non-autistic people and professionals would understand what makes spaces feel safe for autistic people, the baseline should be that autistic people have at least one space to retreat to: their homes. We talked to autistic people from a variety of backgrounds—including autistic parents of autistic and neurodivergent kids—about strategies for making homes feel safe for the autistic people who live in them.
I'll expand this to neurovariant people in general and add:
* You know your body / mind better than anyone else. You have a right to your perceptions and feelings just as much as everyone else does. You have to work with the body / mind you have, not the one you or someone else may wish you had. People who care about you should respect you when you say what works or doesn't work for you. A solution to challenges may or may not be possible, but at least they can listen and do their best to acknowledge your reality.
* People who genuinely love you will want you to be safe, happy, and healthy. They will try to balance everyone's needs and tastes as much as possible. People who always put you on the bottom and demand that you please them are not good friends or family and are hurting you. Being "normal" doesn't entitle people to get their own way all the time. Other neurotypes have needs and rights too.
* You have a right to freedom of association. You don't have to be around people if you don't want to. It's okay if you prefer being alone. You also have a right to congenial company if you want it, though not to a captive audience. It's okay if you prefer unoccupied, solitary, spectator, parallel, or associate play to cooperative play. After all, neurotypical people spend zillions of dollars on spectator sports and consider that "normal."
* You have a right to feel safe and comfortable in a place where you can relax without other people staring at you and demanding things of you. All organisms need safety and privacy because otherwise they tend to die of stress. Any zookeeper can tell you this.
* For most people, "your space" will be your bedroom. However, it might also be a playroom, office, garden, or some other area. If you're lucky, you might have more than one for different needs. When space is tight, it might not be a whole room. A cozy reading corner can work wonders. Do what you can with what you have.
* In your own space(s), you should be free to choose what kinds of things you want there -- the style of bed, material of sheets, fidgets, toys, tools, furniture, etc. -- to the extent possible given budget and architecture parameters.
* You need to be able to explore a wide variety of materials, objects, etc. to learn what you like and what you need to avoid. Sometimes tastes can be oddly specific and that's okay. There might be 20 textures of stress ball or pillow or plush that are "okay" and one that is "this makes my hands feel so good." You will not know this unless you are able to explore many things and free to skip ones you don't like.
* You should be able to arrange your space(s) to suit your needs and tastes, allowing for other safety standards like "don't block the fire escape." If other people don't like it, they don't have to go there. Especially in tight quarters, it helps to have one or more closed spaces such as a closet, cabinet, box, etc. that nobody else opens. You can organize groups of your things however you with -- by date, color, alphabet, or whatever else works for you.
* If you're not sure what would feel safe for you, then:
-- Talk with other neurovariant folks. They might have ideas that would work for you too.
-- Read the A-Z list of accommodations for various disabilities and think whether any of them might help.
-- Read about accommodations for animals. Most humans have a monkey brain but not everyone does; if you think and feel more like some other type of animal, then what helps them feel calm might help you too.
Autistic children and adults often lack access to spaces that make them feel safe, or allow them to decompress and be themselves without interference or unwelcome scrutiny. Sometimes a lack of safe spaces is no one’s fault, as when living quarters have limited size or privacy. But too often, autistic safety, comfort, and ease are not considered due to a lack of autism understanding, or rejected outright due to insistence on complying with non-autistic lifestyle approaches.
While ideally all non-autistic people and professionals would understand what makes spaces feel safe for autistic people, the baseline should be that autistic people have at least one space to retreat to: their homes. We talked to autistic people from a variety of backgrounds—including autistic parents of autistic and neurodivergent kids—about strategies for making homes feel safe for the autistic people who live in them.
I'll expand this to neurovariant people in general and add:
* You know your body / mind better than anyone else. You have a right to your perceptions and feelings just as much as everyone else does. You have to work with the body / mind you have, not the one you or someone else may wish you had. People who care about you should respect you when you say what works or doesn't work for you. A solution to challenges may or may not be possible, but at least they can listen and do their best to acknowledge your reality.
* People who genuinely love you will want you to be safe, happy, and healthy. They will try to balance everyone's needs and tastes as much as possible. People who always put you on the bottom and demand that you please them are not good friends or family and are hurting you. Being "normal" doesn't entitle people to get their own way all the time. Other neurotypes have needs and rights too.
* You have a right to freedom of association. You don't have to be around people if you don't want to. It's okay if you prefer being alone. You also have a right to congenial company if you want it, though not to a captive audience. It's okay if you prefer unoccupied, solitary, spectator, parallel, or associate play to cooperative play. After all, neurotypical people spend zillions of dollars on spectator sports and consider that "normal."
* You have a right to feel safe and comfortable in a place where you can relax without other people staring at you and demanding things of you. All organisms need safety and privacy because otherwise they tend to die of stress. Any zookeeper can tell you this.
* For most people, "your space" will be your bedroom. However, it might also be a playroom, office, garden, or some other area. If you're lucky, you might have more than one for different needs. When space is tight, it might not be a whole room. A cozy reading corner can work wonders. Do what you can with what you have.
* In your own space(s), you should be free to choose what kinds of things you want there -- the style of bed, material of sheets, fidgets, toys, tools, furniture, etc. -- to the extent possible given budget and architecture parameters.
* You need to be able to explore a wide variety of materials, objects, etc. to learn what you like and what you need to avoid. Sometimes tastes can be oddly specific and that's okay. There might be 20 textures of stress ball or pillow or plush that are "okay" and one that is "this makes my hands feel so good." You will not know this unless you are able to explore many things and free to skip ones you don't like.
* You should be able to arrange your space(s) to suit your needs and tastes, allowing for other safety standards like "don't block the fire escape." If other people don't like it, they don't have to go there. Especially in tight quarters, it helps to have one or more closed spaces such as a closet, cabinet, box, etc. that nobody else opens. You can organize groups of your things however you with -- by date, color, alphabet, or whatever else works for you.
* If you're not sure what would feel safe for you, then:
-- Talk with other neurovariant folks. They might have ideas that would work for you too.
-- Read the A-Z list of accommodations for various disabilities and think whether any of them might help.
-- Read about accommodations for animals. Most humans have a monkey brain but not everyone does; if you think and feel more like some other type of animal, then what helps them feel calm might help you too.
no subject
My eldest daughter denies any ND, my middle daughter has a formal diagnosis of both and my youngest reckons she's both but, like me, reckons she does alright without spend stupid amounts of money on a diagnosis, so I figure, like my youngest, I probably am totally ND and have done a few, reliable autism and montropy tests online that come up positive and a lifetime of being told, "that was autistic of you" and "eff off autistic weirdo." (And "stephen could do better" all through school because autistic pursuits combined with adhd reactions... basically the 60s and 70s equivalent of a "dunce.")
What has always been a safe home for me is a place with a "batcave" or a "fortress of solitude." (My studio/workshop or the open road on my bike.) Middle daughter needs a dog and a quiet house and limited social contact. Youngest, now 30, parties and crashes, that's probably adhd dominance and values a housemate who understands needs for space and weirdness.
My wife (my kids' step mum after divorce) is montotropic in the garden as her safe space but denies ND and my eldest daughter is a pol sci researcher, so probably autistic but can't risk losing rep. Her safe space is northern Europe. A tolerant workplace, paid to focus on what fascinates her (people power) but denies any ND traits.
My poly partner is full blown both with formal diagnosis. Her safe space is home, her garden and her blog.
A small sample of lovable weirdos but the key factor in the sample set is a home that is homely, private, either in the country, has a hor fence or is way down the back of a bunch of units, and most of all, a "defensable position."
I think that's the key, an ability to find solitude from others, even loved/loving ones, when needed. Inside space within the greater inside space. With the gardeners in this little sample set, especially, dad, my wife, my girlfriend and my middle kid, the outside is hidden or above the world around it. (Dad's garden is now my sisterss' and is managed by my nephew, also on the spectrum. Sis reckons she isn't ND, although maybe she keeps it well hidden like dad did.
no subject
I could also be wildly wrong. Hell, I'm a sound "engineer" and a self-taught "hackery" thing, what would I know? Just ideas.
Thoughts
That's one popular route.
>>I could also be wildly wrong. Hell, I'm a sound "engineer" and a self-taught "hackery" thing, what would I know? Just ideas.<<
Computing is another.
It just depends how a given person's mind is built.
no subject
Yes ...
Most neurodiverse people have one or more types of repetitive motion that they love doing. So you see things like spinner fidgets, but also the historic examples like shelling peas, skirting wool, hand-sewing, beadwork, woodcarving, drop-spinning, even flint knapping. Several million years of this being normal and necessary outweighs a few decades of mainstream society having its head up its ass.
Anyhow, if you're looking for a fun new stim, I highly recommend investigating historic crafts. Many of them have clubs that are super eager to teach new people so it won't get lost. There's a seatweavers' guild around here (caning, strap-weaving, rope-weaving, etc.) that will absolutely talk your ear off. Most of the spinners are the same way. I saw one lady who does entire embroidered scenes mostly with French knots so think like Pointillist embroidery.
Re: Yes ...
Re: Yes ...
It's okay to ramble among different crafts. This year I'm working with terraria. It's probably been 20-30 years since I did it before this.
Thoughts
I do not qualify for autism due to my overwhelming linguistic aptitude. But I am pretty obviously not neurotypical. People don't hesitate to say that I'm not human. The only reason I can pass at all is that a lot of them don't realize there is any other option, so they just assume I am a weird human.
When it comes to neurodiversity, I like a phrase that I found in The Tale of Tal regarding Neanderthals: "a different way of being human."
>>What has always been a safe home for me is a place with a "batcave" or a "fortress of solitude."<<
One of my friends had a small room painted midnight blue. I thought, "What the hell?" for a few seconds before realizing it was the computer room, and a good way to keep wall glare from competing with the screen. Clever.
>> Her safe space is home, her garden and her blog.<<
Mine is my yard, house, office. It's peaceful here. As the rest of the world gets more horrid, I'm just not as interested in going out wade in that sewer nowadays. It's their free will, but I know where this path leads and really don't want to go there again. :/ Or be around people who think any of this nonsense is a good idea. But it's hard to explain cosmic ethics like "Don't damage the biosphere of a planet" to people whose species doesn't even always reach the top of their own moral development scale.
>> and most of all, a "defensable position." <<
<3
>>I think that's the key, an ability to find solitude from others, even loved/loving ones, when needed. <<
Often true. I forgot to include an option of solitude or company as desired, so I added that to the list.
>>Sis reckons she isn't ND, although maybe she keeps it well hidden like dad did.<<
Females often concentrate on social mimicry and thus often succeed in hiding it.
Re: Thoughts
no subject
Anyway I'm reminded of his study, piled high with journals forming a labyrinth and a fortress (and yet he knew exactly where everything was!) And his monofocus on his model railways.
Thinking about it in this context, he was trying to build a safe space away from the world, by building little mini-worlds he controlled nestled inside his haven. No wonder he was ok with us living in an area of town dominated by retirees who kept to themselves, away from the 'posh' area that a man of his status would be expected to live in, he was hiding in plain sight!
My brain bends NV in a different direction, but I recognize the same traits in myself as well. Gods above and below, I've spent most of my childhood, teens and young adulthood feeling unsafe, so I understand wanting to feel safe!
no subject
There are a lot of ways to make my home unsafe. Fortunately, I'm not a child - stuck with my parents and siblings - or poor enough that I must have a roommate, or institutionalized. So I've been able to avoid unsafe-making housemates for several decades.
Some examples of unsafe behaviour patterns:
1) "Knows" what I need, and is adamant about giving it to me, regardless of my expressed wishes. Doesn't modify their behaviour in the face of evidence, like a melt-down, let alone ask me why I reacted that badly and how it could be avoided in future.
2) "Knows" that their needs/wants/desires are more important than mine. I'm welcome to the scraps left over after they get what they want.
3) Wants social interaction all the time, and habitually uses me to provide this interaction, regardless of my mental state at the time, or ongoing activity. This can be caused by (1) or (2), but it can also be standalone, when the person is an obligatory extrovert. (They may have about as much luck correcting their behaviour as I'd have avoiding a meltdown in extreme unavoidable circumstances.)
4) Has compulsive need/desire for "proper" behaviour, proper opinions etc. - from me, not just them. May require me to "perform" my gender, age, or social status, tend to house and yard to their standards of acceptability, agree with their politics to the point of not just listening politely without disagreement, but actually expressing the "true" opinions. Or their religion. Or even their opinion of mutual acquaintances, who might perhaps be committing solecisms like not wearing a bra in all "required" circumstances. Often rejects "stimming" as unacceptable behaviour, but they are a problem for me even if they consider my preferred stims to be OK.
5) Is always "right", and expects me to do the "right" thing - which changes unpredictably based on their moods or other factors non-obvious to me. This seems to be especially common among those with borderline personality disorder.
6) Will not leave my stuff alone.
There are some environmental factors that can make for a more or less unpleasant living situation, and not all of them can be fixed, but I can feel "safe" in spite of neighbours with leafblowers, miserably hot weather (without A/C), etc. just as I can live with the random aches and pains of aging. I'll try to fix what I can (installed central A/C a few months ago. yay!), and live with what I cannot. But I feel basically safe in spite of them. Just not especially happy while affected by them.