ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2011-10-25 01:42 pm
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2011-10-25 01:42 pm
Nonsexual Intimacies (Part 2 of 5)
This is the second part of a series on nonsexual intimacies that I'm posting for Asexual Awareness Week. Read Part 1, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
Whereas sex creates a physical basis for intimacy, other actions can create an emotional and psychological basis. Some of these typically appear near the beginning of a relationship, to deepen it, while others appear later to demonstrate how close the two people have already come. Emotional and psychological connections are particularly helpful for restoring a damaged relationship.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Gazing into each other's eyes. Sustained eye contact is one of the best ways to make a conscious connection between people, hence the saying, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." It happens most often between lovers, or parent and child, but can be used for any kind of partner bonding.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Emotional & Psychological Closeness
Whereas sex creates a physical basis for intimacy, other actions can create an emotional and psychological basis. Some of these typically appear near the beginning of a relationship, to deepen it, while others appear later to demonstrate how close the two people have already come. Emotional and psychological connections are particularly helpful for restoring a damaged relationship.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Gazing into each other's eyes. Sustained eye contact is one of the best ways to make a conscious connection between people, hence the saying, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." It happens most often between lovers, or parent and child, but can be used for any kind of partner bonding.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
no subject
Someone was helpfully talking about a spreadsheet for ace friendly fanfic.
However their idea of ace friendly did not meet mine.
I can agree mouth kissing is romance but I like nonsexual romance. I want more fics with nonsexual romances and complicated, boundary blurring affection that isn't penetrative or oral sex.
Their ace friendly defintion did not even allow for hand holding.
When did hand holding become sexual?! Or even romantic! Something we do with young children to keep them safe, that depending on the culture and the individual can be done with family and friends of any gender?
On the one hand we've got the "it's only a real relationship if they're screwing" (thanks assholes attacking Neil Gaiman) and on the other we've got some asexuals painting us all as unable to stand reading about two adults holding hands -alongside other rather puritan attitudes. (That's a longer and more personal rant about never feeling connected to other aces who seem to fall in two camps, neither of which I identity with.)
So again, this sort of post is invaluable for promoting nonsexual intimacy and trying to show the variety of ways people can iteract.
Thoughts
Yay!
>> (the tags weren't specific enough to narrow it down <<
Sorry about that.
>> but I found it via google!) because I wanted to see if you included handholding and here you have things like sustained eye contact and listening to heartbeats.<<
Yep. I tried to list a wide range of things that are intimate but not carnal. Most people don't think about these. But I write a lot of them, and my fans buy a lot of them. It's a very popular category.
>> Someone was helpfully talking about a spreadsheet for ace friendly fanfic.<<
Not a bad idea, but ...
>> However their idea of ace friendly did not meet mine.<<
... people's ideas diverge a lot.
>> I can agree mouth kissing is romance but I like nonsexual romance. I want more fics with nonsexual romances and complicated, boundary blurring affection that isn't penetrative or oral sex.<<
Mouth kissing is romantic and/or sexual if people think of it that way. It doesn't have to be. It's a very cultural, very personal thing.
In many parts of Africa, breasts are for babies and men have no interest in them. Women walk around topless and nobody cares.
In Japan, the back of the neck is sexy and touching it is intimate. No neck-showing or neck-petting in Japanese acefic!
>>Their ace friendly defintion did not even allow for hand holding.<<
0_o
I have a very wide range of aces both in readers/sponsors and in characters. Some are up for anything but crotch processes. Others are much more reserved. It's all good.
>> When did hand holding become sexual?! Or even romantic! Something we do with young children to keep them safe, that depending on the culture and the individual can be done with family and friends of any gender?<<
I generally use child interactions as a benchmark. Anything that healthy adults do with children may be considered nonsexual.
>> On the one hand we've got the "it's only a real relationship if they're screwing" (thanks assholes attacking Neil Gaiman) <<
Some people have very limited ideas about sex, love, and relationships.
>> and on the other we've got some asexuals painting us all as unable to stand reading about two adults holding hands -alongside other rather puritan attitudes. <<
Some aces enjoy reading about sex just fine, they simply don't wish to do it themselves.
>> (That's a longer and more personal rant about never feeling connected to other aces who seem to fall in two camps, neither of which I identity with.) <<
Bummer. :( That sounds very lonely.
>> So again, this sort of post is invaluable for promoting nonsexual intimacy and trying to show the variety of ways people can iteract. <<
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of assistance.
I also recommend
Re: Thoughts
I'll check out feathering the nest, thank you so much for the rec :)