ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2011-10-25 01:42 pm
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2011-10-25 01:42 pm
Nonsexual Intimacies (Part 2 of 5)
This is the second part of a series on nonsexual intimacies that I'm posting for Asexual Awareness Week. Read Part 1, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
Whereas sex creates a physical basis for intimacy, other actions can create an emotional and psychological basis. Some of these typically appear near the beginning of a relationship, to deepen it, while others appear later to demonstrate how close the two people have already come. Emotional and psychological connections are particularly helpful for restoring a damaged relationship.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Gazing into each other's eyes. Sustained eye contact is one of the best ways to make a conscious connection between people, hence the saying, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." It happens most often between lovers, or parent and child, but can be used for any kind of partner bonding.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Emotional & Psychological Closeness
Whereas sex creates a physical basis for intimacy, other actions can create an emotional and psychological basis. Some of these typically appear near the beginning of a relationship, to deepen it, while others appear later to demonstrate how close the two people have already come. Emotional and psychological connections are particularly helpful for restoring a damaged relationship.
Sharing secrets. This especially applies to talking about personal issues that aren't widely known. An exchange of secrets is a common ritual between "best friends" among girls and women, but appears elsewhere as well. Some things are only discussed among people with a common reference; veterans may be more comfortable discussing war memories with each other than civilians.
Ordering for someone in a restaurant. Acquiring food, without asking the other person what to get, shows a knowledge of their needs and desires. Providing food is also a gesture of support and sustenance.
Providing moral support at a major event. Helping someone get through a funeral, a trial, or other intense but not crisis situation is usually performed by a very dear friend. This is a situation where lovers or family members may be too close to the matter to be much use.
Crying on someone. When you cry, you tend to let your guard down. Most of the people close to you will see you cry at some point, so that can be a milestone in a relationship. Actually crying on someone, letting them hold you, is even more intimate.
Serving in a primary role for someone during a wedding. This includes the best man or maid of honor at a wedding, or stand-in for absent parents, etc. as well as the traditional family roles. One aspect of intimacy is sharing each other's lives, including ceremonies and transitions.
Comforting someone after a bad breakup. Moments of great vulnerability can bring people closer. While this role sometimes falls to family, breakup repair more often goes to a woman's female friends or a man's male friends.
Gazing into each other's eyes. Sustained eye contact is one of the best ways to make a conscious connection between people, hence the saying, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." It happens most often between lovers, or parent and child, but can be used for any kind of partner bonding.
Listening to someone's heartbeat or breathing. Close body contact, enough to carry soft personal sounds, tends to be comforting as well as connecting, as it touches on positive childhood memories for most people. It is shared between parent and child, sometimes between siblings, and later between lovers. Tight nonsexual partners may also do this.
Re: Well...
It was "ordering for someone in a restaurant" that prompted my comment. That could be a power play, for instance, especially if the person being ordered for was in a worse position to assert xyr preferences than the character doing the ordering. It could also be done by someone who made an honest mistake about what the character being ordered for wanted or could eat-- for instance, ordering something the character is allergic to.
There are so many ways I could write about nonsexual intimacy in my fandoms...
Re: Well...
It's on the list of things that an abusive spouse does, yes. In that case it's designed to exert control.
It's also something that parents may do for children, or spouses or friends may do in a healthy relationship. In that case, it relies on knowing the person well enough to pick the right thing, or at least, a right thing. My partner and I can pick up candy bars for each other because we know some of each other's favorites, or pick something off a restaurant menu.
>> It could also be done by someone who made an honest mistake about what the character being ordered for wanted or could eat-- for instance, ordering something the character is allergic to.<<
That's good for some hurt/comfort action. Or mistake/grovel.
When I'm writing, I tend to highlight the character actions that relate most closely to what's going on in the story, as a way of revealing important points of characterization. Ordering for someone in a restaurant is, as you pointed out, a lot more intimate than most people realize. It's not something a lot of characters would do, and probably not with more than one or a few closest people. So it necessarily reveals a lot.
One pair I might bring this out with is Sherlock/John. Either could order for the other: Sherlock because he notices everything, and John because he's a doctor and Sherlock's flatmate and keeps trying to nudge Sherlock toward healthier behavior.
There's actually a more subtle riff on this in "When the Moon Hits Your Eye," where it's Angelo making the selections: because they keep eating at his restaurant, so he brings out things specifically intended to entice Sherlock into eating. It is kind of nosy, but it's inside Angelo's professional expertise and he obviously cares enough about Sherlock to have made some astute observations. A random person couldn't have pulled it off.
Re: Well...
I'm not familiar with that fandom, but I enjoyed the story nonetheless.
Re: Well...
There are many such lists; most crisis centers will have one. They're framed differently; some will give general terms and some will give examples. I've got some hardcopies from my college days but there are plenty online. Here are some examples:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic%20Violence%20-%20Warning%20Signs.htm
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randy-susan-meyers/warning-signs-of-domestic_b_671321.html
http://www.health-first.org/hospitals_services/hrmc/trauma/warning_signs.cfm
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html
Oh, and don't ever just mail one of those to someone you think might be in an abusive relationship. That's a bit too much of a clue-by-four.
I couldn't find one that mentioned restaurants in particular, but deciding what someone eats and speaking for them can both be examples of "controlling behavior."
These are mostly outside descriptions. In my women's studies classes we had some lists that were "things he did to me." Picked the restaurant and the food. Always opened the door. Would hang up the phone if someone called he didn't want me to talk to. Stuff like that.
I frequently watch my villains for abusive behavior and highlight it.
>>I'm not familiar with that fandom, but I enjoyed the story nonetheless.<<
Yay! I'm happy to hear that.
Re: Well...
Why shouldn't you mail one of those to someone in an abusive relationship?
When you highlight abusive behavior in villains, are you trying to help people realize that it's a warning sign?
And what do you study in women's studies?
Re: Well...
*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
>>Why shouldn't you mail one of those to someone in an abusive relationship?<<
It can be really, really upsetting. That means they should have someone there for support. Random arrival of potentially life-wrecking information is not optimum. It's better done in person, or if that's impractical, try to arrange some kind of backup.
>>When you highlight abusive behavior in villains, are you trying to help people realize that it's a warning sign?<<
The first reason for including that is usually because I want to mark a given character as a villain. A secondary reason, yes, is hoping that if readers see a real person doing what a villain did in a story, they may recognize that as a Bad Sign.
I did some highlighting of General Ross as being abusive, manipulative, and overcontrolling not just of Bruce but also of Betty in "Safe Keeping." The peak of that motif is in Part 3 and Part 4, with a brief appearance of Ross in Part 7.
>>And what do you study in women's studies?<<
Women's contributions to history and literature. Conceptualization of sex, gender, and sexuality. Sexually inspired oppression. Violence against women, and how to discourage it, and how to clean up after it.
Back when I minored in this, it was just Women's Studies, but I treated it as Gender Studies, which is how it eventually broadened out. So I also studied the male side of the equation, and other sexes and genders besides male and female.
Re: Well...
That seems like an interesting story, so far. On the other hand, I think their attempts to empathize with Bruce becoming the Hulk are a bit misguided and trivializing.
Thank you for explaining that.
Re: Well...
Listening, hand-holding, confirmation of observations, discussion of possible plans of action and which resources might be useful, standing up to the abuser if s/he shows up, calling the police ... it varies. Most people feel better just not being alone.