ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2012-03-19 12:14 am
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2012-03-19 12:14 am
Entry tags:
A Gentleman Online
Etiquette guides fascinate me, although I pick and choose manners in a way that few cultures ever approve of. Or use them as boxes of spare parts to build interesting new cultures. In general, I find that guides for gentlemen are far more useful than guides for ladies. So here's one for how to be a gentleman online. Most of the advice is quite good.
Interestingly, I find it far easier to be polite online than in person, because I don't have people right in my face, and I can just ignore them I feel like they're wasting my time. I can be myself online, in ways that are sometimes feasible in person and sometimes not.
As for being rude -- well, sometimes the most honorable thing to do is call a man a coward to his face when that's how he's acting. Be polite, but don't impersonate a doormat. If your honest opinion is rude, lying about it is hardly any nicer than voicing it.
Because there are a great many things that need to be said and done, that could get someone fired for saying even outside their job, which is legal but not acceptable. Online anonymity is a necessary precaution for many people and topics, so ignore this rule. Just don't use anonymity as an excuse for acting like a jerk. You are still responsible to yourself even if nobody else knows who you are.
The thing about being a gentleman is this: It doesn't matter what other people think of you. It matters whether you live up to your own expectations of being a decent, responsible human being.
Certainly the loss of empathy from interacting as anonymous, disembodied selves is a major factor. But the real root of the problem is how we view our time online; many see it as a break from their “real lives”—a place where they can let it all hang out. In their off-line lives they must be civil and refrain from telling their boss how they really feel about him, yelling at the customer service rep who’s giving them the runaround, and getting out of the car and punching the rude and reckless driver in front of them.
Interestingly, I find it far easier to be polite online than in person, because I don't have people right in my face, and I can just ignore them I feel like they're wasting my time. I can be myself online, in ways that are sometimes feasible in person and sometimes not.
As for being rude -- well, sometimes the most honorable thing to do is call a man a coward to his face when that's how he's acting. Be polite, but don't impersonate a doormat. If your honest opinion is rude, lying about it is hardly any nicer than voicing it.
This is simple: if you’re not proud enough of something to have it associated with your real name, then why are you writing it?
Because there are a great many things that need to be said and done, that could get someone fired for saying even outside their job, which is legal but not acceptable. Online anonymity is a necessary precaution for many people and topics, so ignore this rule. Just don't use anonymity as an excuse for acting like a jerk. You are still responsible to yourself even if nobody else knows who you are.
The thing about being a gentleman is this: It doesn't matter what other people think of you. It matters whether you live up to your own expectations of being a decent, responsible human being.
Re: Thoughts
My mother was vicious, and justified it by its "honesty". But- it really wasn't honest- it didn't consider all sides, for example- it was just nasty and mean-spirited. For the 25+ years we've been estranged, she's prided herself on that being due to her unwillingness to not be "honest"; I say it's because i required that she keep a civil tongue in her head, which she explicitly declined to do. Honest, indeed. I still remember when she insisted on visiting when we did not have a habitable house, and my daughter was a newborn... and rather than HELPING, she sat on her ass, demanded services, and verbally abused me for not having a comfy house and waiting on her enough- oh, and for being FAT.
Thus, I see the downside of "honesty"- though I know, from reading you online, that's not what you mean by it.
She is still convinced that she's the Truth-teller (gods know, I wouldn't notice that I am FAT unless she attacked me with it regularly!). I'm convinced- based on that an a lot of previous crap- that she's a manipulative, nasty bitch who is well out of my life.
Honesty is 2-edged, and can be used for cruelty just as easily as it can be used for good, in my experience.
Re: Thoughts
It is worth considering, before saying anything, whether it needs to be said. Some truths, if kept secret or distorted, can do terrible damage. Others will do more harm than good if let loose. It is not always easy to tell the difference, but it is important. Then too, some people can't talk about some things; they lock up. So allowance has to made for that as well.
In dealing with unpleasant truths, the best one can do is try to minimize the damage. Honesty should not be an excuse for hurting people needlessly, any more than politeness should be an excuse for lying.
Re: Thoughts
At this point I'm rather of the opinion that if it's 2 out of 3, it may need to be said... but not cruelly.