Hard Things

[ysabetwordsmith]

Life is full of things which are hard or tedious or otherwise unpleasant that need doing anyhow. They help make the world go 'round, they improve skills, and they boost your sense of self-respect. But doing them still kinda sucks. It's all the more difficult to do those things when nobody appreciates it. Happily, blogging allows us to share our accomplishments and pat each other on the back.

What are some of the hard things you've done recently? What are some hard things you haven't gotten to yet, but need to do? Is there anything your online friends could do to make your hard things a little easier?

Comments

This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[pronker]

Update from Sunday's phone call from place of worship: Office Lady there expressly asked that I tell Spouse not to come to Thursday class any longer due to his incontinence and Depends not holding all of it in. She suggested online courses. He decided to go anyway and plans to bring a cushion tonight that I made for him in case he leaks. (Another elderly man, since deceased, always brought a cushion so Spouse sees precedent.) Office Lady exchanged phone #'s with me and requested that I text when he is coming and if he is clean or not. I regret giving her my cell # and saying she could text back and forth. I am on guard with her.



Their side is that the $50 chairs continuing to be ruined (because they will not clean them but declare them soiled and "dishonoring the house of prayer" and thus require replacement) is unfair to them because Office Lady says "he's had plenty of chances to change since November 2019 at her first phone call and people don't want to come anymore because of him".



His side is that he wishes to attend any activity, loves the place despite all because he's attended 20 years, and resents being singled out in spite of his unsocial odor and occasional behavior (he can get aggressive with his walker involving anybody in his way when he needs to get someplace, such as the bathroom or simply moving through the crowd. He never hits anybody but looks very intense and that can intimidate.)



My side is that I want him to go there as much as he can.



The setting is a private home that is regularly crowded with wall to wall people Main Worship Day, a line for getting food from the buffet tables on this day's free lunch, and hours long religious services and classes that he loves. I've been to them numerous times throughout twenty years and find the place claustrophobic, although others find them "family like" and "bustling, in a good way." I can see both points of view. There are many children around for him to tell stories to and he enjoys singing. He can be charming and offers interesting stories.



Best case scenario is that Worship Leader allows him to enter for the class tonight and accepts his cushion for both class and Main Worship Day. Acceptable case scenario is that he is rejected for Thursdays and allowed to come on Main Worship Day. Less acceptable case scenario is that Worship Leader insists that he curtail his stays on Main Worship Day to perhaps 2 hours. Absolute worst case is that they call the cops on him because he was asked not to come, with the corollary of his arrest.

My most uncharitable thought: right before New Year's, they called him for a donation and he said no, but he would sponsor a lunch in February, approximate cost $200.

Re: This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.<<

That does sound hard.

>>Office Lady there expressly asked that I tell Spouse<<

Office Lady needs to find a backbone and tell him herself, not force you into the middle of a disagreement between other people.

>>He decided to go anyway and plans to bring a cushion tonight that I made for him in case he leaks. (Another elderly man, since deceased, always brought a cushion so Spouse sees precedent.)<<

A reasonable accommodation.

>> Office Lady exchanged phone #'s with me and requested that I text when he is coming and if he is clean or not.<<

See above re: not your responsibility to manage someone else's life.

>> I regret giving her my cell # and saying she could text back and forth. I am on guard with her.<<

You could:

1) tell her not to do that anymore
2) ignore her when she does it
3) block her if she keeps bothering you
4) file a complaint with the phone company
5) change your number.

Those all have various costs and consequences.

>> Their side is that the $50 chairs continuing to be ruined (because they will not clean them but declare them soiled and "dishonoring the house of prayer" and thus require replacement) is unfair to them <<

This much is true. However, he could simply bring his own chair, preferably a cast plastic indoor-outdoor chair that is easy to clean.

>> because Office Lady says "he's had plenty of chances to change since November 2019 at her first phone call <<

This presupposes change is possible. With a physical problem, it typically is not, which makes that particular point unreasonable.

>> and people don't want to come anymore because of him". <<

This is their most compelling argument. Who gets excluded? If one person causes multiple other people not to come, it is better to exclude one person than many.

>> His side is that he wishes to attend any activity, loves the place despite all because he's attended 20 years,<<

Reasonable.

>> and resents being singled out in spite of his unsocial odor and occasional behavior <<

Valid if other people with similar issues have been or were previously permitted to participate where he is asked to leave.

>> My side is that I want him to go there as much as he can. <<

Logical.

>> The setting is a private home that is regularly crowded with wall to wall people Main Worship Day, a line for getting food from the buffet tables on this day's free lunch, and hours long religious services and classes that he loves. I've been to them numerous times throughout twenty years and find the place claustrophobic, although others find them "family like" and "bustling, in a good way." I can see both points of view. <<

Yeah, it wouldn't be my idea of a good time, but if others like it that's fine for them.

>> There are many children around for him to tell stories to and he enjoys singing. He can be charming and offers interesting stories. <<

Consider whether there are other places that he could meet some of his needs.

Also it sounds like people are holding a public event in a venue that is not really equipped for it, and that is causing some of the accessibility issues. On this point, you may wish to consult local rules regarding what can or can't be done in a private home and what the accessibility standards are. For example, do they have an adult changing facilities available, or if not is there one very nearby? Religious institutions have some exemptions from many laws -- but not if they are taking any government money, so that's another angle to check.

>>Absolute worst case is that they call the cops on him because he was asked not to come, with the corollary of his arrest.<<

Or possible death, since America's law all comes down to "obey or die."

>>My most uncharitable thought: right before New Year's, they called him for a donation and he said no, but he would sponsor a lunch in February, approximate cost $200.<<

As this seems to be an ongoing problem, it was very wrong of them to do that. They do not get to reject someone on one hand and demand favors on the other. Either he is or is not a part of the community.

Did anyone offer to visit with him at home, divide or move an event that sounds overgrown for its space, or add events more accommodating to members with special needs? I'm going to guess not.

It's a difficult situation to be sure, but there are ways to cut it down to size, if people wanted to do that. It sounds like they would rather not. They may or may not have a legal right to discriminate in this manner. But they do have a moral right to take care of longstanding community members.

If they continue to be cruel and dismissive, you have an opportunity to hit back if you wish: simply point out to everyone else that membership is not actually based on faith and sincerity, but based on being pleasing to the authorities and whether you can do anything for them. How long will it be until the other members become inconvenient as they get old, or even as other challenges arise? A "faith" community that ditches people in need is worse than useless.

Re: This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[pronker]

guess not. Not a thing I foresee them doing; various congregants have visited here at the house throughout 20 years but not one for religious purposes. He had a friend for the last 5 years, Friend moved away in '18 and maybe 1x yearly visits the congregation and then visits the house. Office Lady suggesting online courses is typical.

The part about folks not wanting to come anymore since he is such a regular pillar re attendance is something to for them to consider seriously, truly. Another Office Lady said once, "It's a place of worship and also a business," well that's true as it gets. I'm fairly sure they do not receive government funding.

Spouse loves this place and when another weekly event got dismissed 2 months back after 7 years' standing to make the weeklies 2x rather than 3x, he was disappointed. Now if it goes to Main Worship Day attendance only, he'll require a period of adjustment but not as much as if he's banned from attending altogether. I am worried about his spiraling into depression.

Re: This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Not a thing I foresee them doing; various congregants have visited here at the house throughout 20 years but not one for religious purposes. He had a friend for the last 5 years, Friend moved away in '18 and maybe 1x yearly visits the congregation and then visits the house. Office Lady suggesting online courses is typical. <<

You might want to talk to them about that. What do they claim their group is FOR anyhow? Is it to make money? To worship? To hang out? To minister to a community? Somewhere they ought to have bylaws or a mission statement specifying that. Some congregations have a committee or the like that makes sure all members -- even the shut-ins -- get regular contact. Online courses are useful for information but less so for socializing.

>> "It's a place of worship and also a business," <<

Those two things are often in disagreement. It's important to know which takes priority when they conflict. This sounds like what you have is really more of a business and social club with religious trappings.

>> I am worried about his spiraling into depression.<<

That's quite likely. Many old people become depressed, often because their situation is depressing. On top of the physical ills, they are often ostracized or abused. Look at all the social brouhaha about how dangerous loneliness is. Most of it basically blames lonely people for being lonely. But what do you do when nobody wants you around? Old people are often forced out of public life. Businesses refuse to permit them in, or require a doctor's approval -- which denies them the right to make their own decisions and live a free life. Well, it's better to be alone than be with abusers or people who obviously don't want you around. Having a supportive community is a luxury that many people are denied. Of course many of them get depressed. It's an ugly type of emotional starvation.

Spiritual work is often HARD work. It means dealing with people who are a pain in the ass, because those are the kinds of people who need that care the most. If people approach this as a business -- which is inherently self-serving -- then those needs won't get met. Very few want to do the hard work of interacting with those who are difficult, and so lots of people wind up being isolated.

That's only going to get worse as families continue to shrink, jobs get even less reliable, and churches lose members. If the churches are now also being run more as businesses ... that's an additional factor undermining contact.

You might look around to see if there are other classes, activities, social groups, etc. that might appeal to him. It wouldn't be the same as one he's been with for years, but it might be better than nothing. Or have more accommodating people.

Re: This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[pronker]

Or have more accommodating people. I've given this some thought; there is a more formal, larger venue in the same denomination that is farther away but still workable. He's attended a few functions there, doesn't agree with their core practices, and yet if it's this or nothing, he might choose to relocate on a regular basis. Thursday night went as usual; upon return, Spouse stated "if Worship Leader had an animus with me, he's not going to bring it up in front of others in the class." True enough. Today we'll see if the extra attention Spouse has paid to his cleanliness continues. I plan to text Office Lady right after Spouse leaves for the service and gauge her response before taking any action blocking, etc.

Very few want to do the hard work of interacting with those who are difficult, and so lots of people wind up being isolated. Boy howdy, it sure is. The group is filled with elders who are vital, non-handicapped, and amenable to physical activity. Beside the deceased man who had used a cushion in the ten years I knew him, there was a now deceased lady who towed her oxygen cart each time to services, bless her heart. Nobody attending now has a readily apparent disability except Spouse.

I may have given the wrong impression about the place. It's a private home bought especially for religious services and it's across the street from Worship Leader's home where he lives with his family so there's no handicapped ramp or other accommodations that official places have.