Cuddle Party

[ysabetwordsmith]

Everyone needs contact comfort sometimes.  Not everyone has ample opportunities for this in facetime.  So here is a chance for a cuddle party in cyberspace.  Virtual cuddling can help people feel better.

We have a cuddle room that comes with fort cushions, fort frames, sheets for draping, and a weighted blanket.  It has a basket of grooming brushes, hairbrushes, and styling combs.  A bin holds textured pillows. There is a big basket of craft supplies along with art markers, coloring pages, and blank paper.  The kitchen has a popcorn machine. Labels are available to mark dietary needs, recipe ingredients, and level of spiciness. Here is the bathroom, open to everyone.  There is a lawn tent and an outdoor hot tub. Bathers should post a sign for nude or clothed activity.  Come snuggle up!

Comments

Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

Some of us were discussing virtual touch and whether it meets some of the need for contact comfort. What's it like for you? Do you derive enjoyment or comfort when someone types *hugs*? What about if someone describes brushing, petting, or rubbing you in more detail?

I see a lot of that going on in these cuddle parties, which are consistently very popular. People get quite physical in here and it's delightful. I surmise that it meets a need for contact, because a lot of my readers don't have friends they can pile up with locally, and that's very much what happens in here. Thoughts?

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ng_moonmoth]

>> What's it like for you? <<

The physical intensity is missing (unfortunate), but so is the morphogendering and its consequential poisoning of meatspace tactile interaction with cultural dynamics and sexualization (big win for virtual cuddling). Getting to the point where we are this very moment, both of us actively and intensely pairbonded, and having a nonsexual (virtual) tactile interaction with someone who is not our pairbond with only favorable comments from other people here, would be a real challenge in meatspace.

So it's different, but valuable in its own way.

>> Do you derive enjoyment or comfort when someone types *hugs*? What about if someone describes brushing, petting, or rubbing you in more detail? <<

Yes. I get the same sort of feelgood when I approach someone in meatspace with open arms, and a hug follows. As for more detail, I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess I ought to look around for someone offering something I'd like to try, and see how it goes when I ask.

>> a lot of my readers don't have friends they can pile up with locally, and that's very much what happens in here. <<

My take, coming from a culture that heavily contextualizes tactile interactions (US), and a subculture that discourages it further (Midwestern), is that it's as much about the environment being friendly -- no stares or disapproving comments, or people trying to guilt-trip you into stopping. The Rule Six (No PDA's!) police have been banished to Singapore before they can misinterpret what's going on here. Despite which, we still manage to avoid PDA's because that's not what we came for.

So thanks for hosting the World's Oldest(?) Established Permanent Floating Rule Six Party in Cyberspace!

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[redsixwing]

I derive enjoyment and comfort from just reading *hugs* or the like. If I stop and focus on it, try to imagine what it'd actually feel like, I can ramp it up. (But then I'm good at swapping sensory modes in imagination.) The same applies to some writing not directed at me - some of your comfort scenes work the same way. Turq's thread is particularly good for that, because I can identify strongly with some of his feelings. Some fanfic is good for this too, but when people accidentally (or not) write in things that sound uncomfortable or painful, but are intended to feel good, it can snap me right out of the scene, so I have to be picky. That hasn't happened here, at all.

The more detail the better, as far as I'm concerned. *hugs* is good! But tell me where the hands are, where the weight is, what the breath is doing, and you're substantially more likely to end up with a melted Six.

I definitely use these threads to seek comfort and to give it, in ways I can't locally. I have a committed relationship. I also have a /ridiculous/ touch drive, and there's some quirks - like the rotating cast I write in here - that are difficult to manage in face-space. So, I look forward to these quite a bit.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[dreamwriteremmy]

Yup. It satisfies some of our companionship/safetouch needs. We also like the fact that nonmeatspace means (a) the cuddle party lasts until people stop tagging and (b) we can choose our presentation (sometimes we come as body-persona with headmates sharing the space like we do in some meatspace groups and other times as separate entities.) That freedom of expressions makes me feel like we're collectively bringing a little bit of the worlds you're creating to realspace even though its virtual (it's still real).

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Yup. It satisfies some of our companionship/safetouch needs. We also like the fact that nonmeatspace means (a) the cuddle party lasts until people stop tagging <<

Yay! These are good things.

>> (b) we can choose our presentation (sometimes we come as body-persona with headmates sharing the space like we do in some meatspace groups and other times as separate entities.) <<

I find that this feature enables people to snuggle souls in cyberspace, in ways that are difficult to achieve in meatspace, because for some people they meat they are stuck inside really gets in the way of self-expression. So cyberspace has some really valuable advantages.

>> That freedom of expressions makes me feel like we're collectively bringing a little bit of the worlds you're creating to realspace even though its virtual (it's still real). <<

I find that cyberspace is as real as people make it. I can meet people here, create things, buy and sell stuff -- and it all works better for me than meatspace. Anything that makes a difference is real, just not all the same dimension. The top of a cube is no less real than the side, even though they're not in the same place.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[dialecticdreamer]

Personally, I associate the written variations of *hugs* as slightly different things, with {{{hugs}}} implying a stronger or longer embrace, but it happens automatically, just the way I process written English.

Everyone's feedback here is telling me that

- This meets a need in people's lives, not merely fills a few minutes of relaxation time.

- People are, as usual, more comfortable in different sensory modes, so adding more detail does more than prolong reading time; it makes it easier for a reader to visualize easily.

- When I made offers in the cuddle party, it was delightfully satisfying to have someone take me up on the offer. I lack outgoing touch more than incoming, and that affected everything in the cuddle room.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Everyone's feedback here is telling me that

- This meets a need in people's lives, not merely fills a few minutes of relaxation time. <<

I'm getting the same impression. It's why I have bumped up the schedule from fifth-week Wednesdays to every third Wednesday.

>> - People are, as usual, more comfortable in different sensory modes, so adding more detail does more than prolong reading time; it makes it easier for a reader to visualize easily. <<

That's true too.

>> - When I made offers in the cuddle party, it was delightfully satisfying to have someone take me up on the offer. I lack outgoing touch more than incoming, and that affected everything in the cuddle room.<<

Yay! It's fixable, especially if you let people know about your particular needs. I'm usually up for being touched.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[we_are_spc]

Yeah, it done helped a lot. Jus knowin' someone care enough to do did shit mean loads, ya'know?
I mean It really the only way I git did shit right now. Even doe we got a physical body don't mean we can physically feel each other sometime an' it sucks. There been times where I wish I could be holdin' Fallon-heah-an' I can't. Bein' able to type it an' be feelin' at least a bit of it jus be makin' mah day an' shit.

Weren't thinkin' I'd be one for cuddles. Ain't till I was heah that I realized healthy touch were a thing I been missin. No I heah, ... dunno what I'd do without bein' here at least once ever so often like.

(Utg, been hanging 'round with Craimah to much. o.o :p)

-Jay~

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> Yeah, it done helped a lot. Jus knowin' someone care enough to do did shit mean loads, ya'know? <<

Yay!

>> I mean It really the only way I git did shit right now. Even doe we got a physical body don't mean we can physically feel each other sometime an' it sucks. <<

That is hard.

>>There been times where I wish I could be holdin' Fallon-heah-an' I can't. Bein' able to type it an' be feelin' at least a bit of it jus be makin' mah day an' shit.<<

Have you ever tried hug-passing? Usually it's done where Person A is talking to Person B on the phone, and Person B says "Give my love to C," and then A goes to hug C for B. In your case, Fallon could front and hug me for Jay, then switch, and I'd hug Jay for Fallon -- trying to mimic the personal style as much as possible. That bit takes some practice, but is a skill people can learn. You can try it with any of your support crew who are willing.

>>Weren't thinkin' I'd be one for cuddles. Ain't till I was heah that I realized healthy touch were a thing I been missin. No I heah, ... dunno what I'd do without bein' here at least once ever so often like.<<

Healthy touch is good, but if you've seen mostly the unhealthy kind, this is a difficult discovery to make. Well, you saw how Shiv flipped out with Pain's Gray. Recreational pain, no problem; aftercare, *panic*.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[djbluejay]

Have you ever tried hug-passing? Usually it's done where Person A is talking to Person B on the phone, and Person B says "Give my love to C," and then
A goes to hug C for B. In your case, Fallon could front and hug me for Jay, then switch, and I'd hug Jay for Fallon -- trying to mimic the personal style
as much as possible. That bit takes some practice, but is a skill people can learn. You can try it with any of your support crew who are willing.

huh, uh. I mean we done it one way, but not the other way 'roun'. "Hug A for me, would ya?" been about as far as we got.

Healthy touch is good, but if you've seen mostly the unhealthy kind, this is a difficult discovery to make. Well, you saw how Shiv flipped out with Pain's
Gray. Recreational pain, no problem; aftercare, *panic*.

Yeah...an' this empendin' mopve got mah brain all fucked. I mean, it been moved out some, but last time I moved...bad. :(

Jus now figuring I can get touch without beoin' ridiculed for it. Lotta the family befoe I met Fallons felt boys don't need much touch as girls, so they didn't give it-'long with thinkin' boys ain't one for cryin'.

Mah crew done broke some of dat, but I still have a hard time wid...a lot of it. *nervous about dat*

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Yeah...an' this empendin' mopve got mah brain all fucked. I mean, it been moved out some, but last time I moved...bad. :( <<

Moving is hard on anyone, even if they want it. When you have negative past experiences, it's a lot worse. :( However, there are things you can do to buffer it a bit.

One is throw out some stuff you don't need, and as you do that, imagine throwing out past emotional baggage or other virtual shit.

Another is that when you move into your new place, take some time to really make it yours. If you have a household token, place that first. (If not, now's a perfect time to get one -- any object that symbolizes your household will work.) Think about the new place and what traditions you can set there. Understand that it'll take you a while to anchor yourself in it, but you can do it.

>> Jus now figuring I can get touch without beoin' ridiculed for it. Lotta the family befoe I met Fallons felt boys don't need much touch as girls, so they didn't give it-'long with thinkin' boys ain't one for cryin'.<<

What a mess. Boys and men need as much touch as girls and women. Everyone cries. All that macho shit does it make it hard to identify and handle emotions like a grownup. >_< Come here, cuddle if you want, cry if you need to. People who say boys don't need cuddles or tears are dumbasses. So speaks the gender scholar.

>> Mah crew done broke some of dat, but I still have a hard time wid...a lot of it. *nervous about dat* <<

Well yeah. Any topic people mess you up is going to be nerve-wracking later. It's fixable, though, if you get with better people.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[djbluejay]

One is throw out some stuff you don't need, and as you do that, imagine throwing out past emotional baggage or other virtual shit.

...Gunna do that. Like hardcoh do dat shit.

Another is that when you move into your new place, take some time to really make it yours. If you have a household token, place that first. (If not,
now's a perfect time to get one -- any object that symbolizes your household will work.) Think about the new place and what traditions you can set there.
Understand that it'll take you a while to anchor yourself in it, but you can do it.

Thankfually the peeps we movin' in wid git mah triggers. Been good about makin' me not feel stupid for'em. I hate when triggers fuck me up. :/

What a mess. Boys and men need as much touch as girls and women. Everyone cries. All that macho shit does it make it hard to identify and handle emotions
like a grownup. >_< Come here, cuddle if you want, cry if you need to. People who say boys don't need cuddles or tears are dumbasses. So speaks the
gender scholar.

Y-Ya sho? Gunna git bad if I let go really. *he looks up at her*...ya serious, ain't ya.

Well yeah. Any topic people mess you up is going to be nerve-wracking later. It's fixable, though, if you get with better people.

Mah Fallon's family's...dey bettah people. I love mah Cassie. She my OSO an'...we had some serious shit for a while, but we done got past it an' we really damn close now. Cool an' shit. Dat mah girl :)

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>...Gunna do that. Like hardcoh do dat shit.<<

Yay!

>> Thankfually the peeps we movin' in wid git mah triggers. Been good about makin' me not feel stupid for'em.<<

That's good.

>> I hate when triggers fuck me up. :/ <<

Everyone who has triggers hates them. When you get into a safer environment, you can work on smoothing them down some, and over time they'll bother you less.

>> Y-Ya sho? <<

Quite sure. Everyone gets hurt sometimes, which means everyone needs to cry. It can be messy and unpleasant, but it's like throwing up -- that's what happens when you swallow something that isn't good for you, and it's less awful than leaving it in there.

Telling boys not to cry is harmful. Men need to cry too. (Everyone does.) Lack of touch is destructive to men's mental and physical health. (This is true for mammals in general.) It's caused by everything from homophobia to fear of sexual complaints. Men need more touch than they usually get. This is a problem, because touch starvation correlates with more violence. Basically, if you don't express your emotions and connect with other people, that makes it harder to understand and control your urges.

>> Gunna git bad if I let go really.
*he looks up at her*...ya serious, ain't ya. <<

I am serious, and yes, people who haven't had a good cry in a long time tend to release a flood. That's okay. I've been cried on before. The cuddle room has been cried in before. If you fall apart in here, most that'll happen is folks asking how you are and if you want a fresh shoulder or hankie.

>>Mah Fallon's family's...dey bettah people. I love mah Cassie. She my OSO an'...we had some serious shit for a while, but we done got past it an' we really damn close now. Cool an' shit. Dat mah girl :) <<

That's good. Support helps.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[we_are_spc]

"Yeah it done helped a lot."

What Jay said. Pretty much all of it. With the ex gone, we don't get much cuddle time in meatspace anymore. Hell the last cuddle we had was with the very dear friend who brought us out to OVFF and that was over...shit, that was back in October. Even the clan doesn't cuddle much due to surcumstance-probably because they're still not sure what we're all comfortable with, and it was the first week after a situation, but still.

I'm realizing that hair brushing descriptions and petting help a bit too, especially detailed descriptions. I feel like i'm tehere.

I didn't startfinding this out until I was reading DD's story from the other day and Touching Moments. ...also "A Care-ful Conversation" Even thoug it wasn't 'touch' persay, just the companionship there mad me go all gooey.

-Fallon+~

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> With the ex gone, we don't get much cuddle time in meatspace anymore. <<

Losing cuddle time sucks. Getting rid of the ex was necessary though.

>> Hell the last cuddle we had was with the very dear friend who brought us out to OVFF and that was over...shit, that was back in October. <<

Ouch. That is not a good situation. :(

>> Even the clan doesn't cuddle much due to surcumstance-probably because they're still not sure what we're all comfortable with, and it was the first week after a situation, but still.<<

Yeah, it's good to be cautious after an upheaval.

>>I'm realizing that hair brushing descriptions and petting help a bit too, especially detailed descriptions. I feel like i'm tehere.<<

Same here, the detail helps.

>> I didn't startfinding this out until I was reading DD's story from the other day and Touching Moments. ...also "A Care-ful Conversation" Even thoug it wasn't 'touch' persay, just the companionship there mad me go all gooey.<<

Best. Boss. Evar. :D Joshua was touching Pips some, just not as much as massage. *chuckle* Or we really would have had a puddle of Pips. He goes down so easy.

;) We should totally set Heron on Pips. I bet Heron is good enough to work in near-dark, and with dim lighting, Pips can take off his glasses and really relax. And then we'll have another vicarious bodywork scene.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[we_are_spc]

It is. Although I now wish I'd've said something sooner. They did givea hugs or cuddles when I asked though. That helped a lot. As did doing Yule/Solstice stuff with them.

Like I said somewhere else, I seriously think they're the reason I don't have serious issues with PTSD right now.

";) We should totally set Heron on Pips. I bet Heron is good enough to work in near-dark, and with dim lighting, Pips can take off his glasses and really
relax. And then we'll have another vicarious bodywork scene."

Yes! Complete with Pips' favorite scented oils...xd

That would be so much fun to read!

-Fallon~

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

Based on previous scenes with Heron, he stocks unscented massage oil and a selection of essential oils, which can be added to the carrier or put on a diffuser or whatever.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[we_are_spc]

I thought that was the case, but I couldn't remember clearly. :) Good to know!

-F~

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> It is. Although I now wish I'd've said something sooner. They did givea hugs or cuddles when I asked though. That helped a lot. As did doing Yule/Solstice stuff with them. <<

Sometimes it just takes a little time to be ready for that.

>>Like I said somewhere else, I seriously think they're the reason I don't have serious issues with PTSD right now.<<

Family support for the win!

>> Yes! Complete with Pips' favorite scented oils...xd <<

Hmm ... oakmoss, patchouli, dragon's blood, peppermint, blue chamomile ... that's a fascinating range.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[we_are_spc]

Sometimes it just takes a little time to be ready for that.

It does. I'm glad I have people willing to give it-and then push where it's needed. :)

Family support for the win!

Extreme win. :) Especially since I ended up being pretty much on my own for Christmas day itself.

Hmm ... oakmoss, patchouli, dragon's blood, peppermint, blue chamomile ... that's a fascinating range.

Oooh so many fun combinations! :d :d :d

-Fallon~

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

Yeah, thinking about those oils a little further, I bet Pips has a taste for our house blend of lavender and dragon's blood. The aromatherapist thought it was nuts, because those two oils do opposite things. But that turns it into a buffer -- whether you're too high or too low in energy, it shifts you toward moderation. This blend has a small but extremely devoted following. :D

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[alexseanchai]

There's also. I want to participate but I am not entirely sure of the social rules—as ng_moomoth describes, the rules are different here—and the rules I have internalized say red light. (Some of those rules are bullshit. But I don't know which ones.)

That would apply even more strongly with physical contact than with virtual contact. Like I don't know that I'd offer to hug, for instance, alatefeline in meatspace. I don't know as I could. Red light. But we virtually hug all the time.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>Some of those rules are bullshit. But I don't know which ones.<<

At least in here, you can ask. People will talk about what they want or don't want to do. We've also talked about things that people learned growing up, and whether those were reasonable or not.

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[alexseanchai]

Intellectually: knew this.

Emotionally?

(Thanks for explicitly saying)

Re: Does virtual touch make you feel better?

[ysabetwordsmith]

You're welcome. I like to encourage communication.