ysabetwordsmith (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2017-12-03 02:07 am
ysabetwordsmith) wrote2017-12-03 02:07 am
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
This is a pretty good list of downline effects. Regrettably it doesn't talk about solutions, only problems. So let's explore further...
(Obviously, warning for fallout from abuse, uncomfortable issues, and problems that are hard to solve.)
1. “Apologizing for other people’s behavior, making excuses for them or trying to build a logical reason for why they behave the way they do.
Often a bad sign, but not always. It's okay if you are backstopping for someone who is temporarily unable to respond or hasn't grown into it yet. Taking responsibility in that situation means that the mishap gets addressed instead of ignored, which helps maintain relationships. When it becomes a problem is if you do this for people who can and should take responsibility for their own fuckups.
2. “Overthinking.
Good if it leads to fewer problems. Bad if it wastes time and energy. The fault here is not the action (thinking) but the amount (over). There are ways to reduce overthinking.
3. “I put tons of pressure on myself then fall to pieces when I cannot handle the unbearable load.
Always a problem sooner or later. Everyone has a breaking point. Don't try to find yours face-first. Take little steps. You're not going to fix years of abuse all at once.
5. “Bottling up everything and never really asking for help because I feel like a liability. When I talk to somebody and they interrupt me to start talking and afterwards ask me what I was busy saying, I say, ‘I can’t remember’ in order to downplay how much it actually hurt me.
That's a trust-graph problem. If you are still surrounded by assholes, this does not mean you are a liability, it just means they don't care about you. Look for nicer people to be with who actually want to listen to what you say. Remaining silent around assholes is often prudent for safety reasons: correct distrust. However, if you are around nice people and still can't squeeze words out, that's under-trusting and shorts you on chances to socialize. There are ways to ask for help.
6. “Apologizing all the time. Being scared to do things because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll get it wrong or disappoint someone.” — Laurie B.
Much like #1 and #5 above. Apologizing is a necessary skill, but overdoing can cause problems. Worrying that people will throw a fit if you're wrong is a credible threat in situations where they actually do so often, but not when people are tolerant of mistakes because everyone makes them sometimes.
7. “Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.” — Andrea V.
Traumatic rage is a serious issue that can fuck up your life. Most of the time people say that anger is the angry person's fault. This is incompletely true. People are responsible for choosing healthy ways to deal with their emotions. But if that learning process was broken by child abuse, that is not their fault, and they're not going to be any good at handling it until that damage is repaired and emotional regulation skills learned. Some folks work through it on their own, but most benefit from expert help. And never forget that anger is a sign of thwarted needs; it's there to keep you from being a doormat. Consider whether the things pissing you off need to be changed -- quit a job, move house, leave an irritating person, etc.
8. “Acting all big and tough, pretending like I don’t have a problem in the world.
This is among the riskiest symptoms. About a third of abuse survivors become abusers; about two-thirds do not. The more aggressive symptoms correlate with people learning "might makes right" and wanting a turn on top. People who try to present themselves as invulnerable are quite prone to attacking anyone who reveals their vulnerabilities.
9. “Flinching when people touch me or when they scream.
Dead giveaway, and important to shuck as soon as possible because it makes you look like easy meat and contributes to revictimization. Many human predators hunt for people who look like victims. (This doesn't make it the victim's fault, just means that abusers are lazy assholes. A decent person would either leave them in peace or ask if they're okay.) Fortunately these reflexes are among the most straightforward, if tedious, to repair. You need a safe situation and at least one friend to help you with it. Then you can practice safe touch, usually in very small amounts at first, expanding as you become more comfortable. Noises can be worked up to also. Just don't try to tone down these protective reflexes until you really are in a secure context. If you're in danger, they suck but you still need them. And for other folks: don't grab people without permission. An abuse survivor will flinch; a veteran might throw you down the stairs before he realizes you're not trying to kill him. Grabbing is always rude and occasionally risky.
10. “[I] make fun of my own emotions, call myself names when I’m acting emotional,
People who are mistreated learn to mistreat themselves and others. This can make anyone's life miserable. Again, it's straightforward though not easy to fix. Practice self-compassion. This will also make you more compassionate in general, which is typically good.
11. “I’m so afraid of my loved ones dying.
Big existential issues like this usually require a foundation of other intrapersonal skills. The best you can do early on is work on practical skills and try to build connections with people so that losing one person won't take out your entire support system. Even this much is difficult when you want to hide under a rock because your soul hurts. But later on, there are ways to make peace with death. One thing that may help at any stage is making friends with folks in death-friendly cultures. For instance, Mexicans picnic in cemeteries to spend time with their ancestors. Since friends influence each other, sometimes this helps.
12. “Always saying ‘yes,’ because if I say ‘no,’ I will feel like a bad girl.
Another way to ruin anyone's life. Everyone needs the skill of saying no. Here are some effective ways to say no. For other folks, sometimes you can help by prefacing a question or request with "It's okay to say no."
13. “If I make a decision, even a small decision [like] switching toothpaste brands, I panic because I don’t know if I’m making the right decision because I was conditioned to never trust myself.
This one you can fix with logic. It won't make the panic go away quickly -- that often takes time to wear off -- but it can get you unstuck in a reasonably short period. If you like therapy, ask for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on this topic. Use the engineering model for decision-making. It gives you a good chance at a workable first solution, and if not, you just loop back and try something else. Panic is for things you can't affect. Logic works on most situations because you can usually keep trying until you find a solution that works. Also as a general rule, have a Plan B. Failure is much less scary when you know a thing to do next. Meanwhile, there are other skills for coping with panic.
14. “When people raise their voice at me, I automatically shut down.
Very difficult to fix in yourself, especially without therapy. However, you can ask people who care about you to disagree quietly; if they really care, they will work on that. Other folks in general can try to avoid shouting at people, and especially watch for anyone who shuts down when yelled at. That really is a big trauma clue. You may not be able to get them back in their body quickly, but you can avoid making it worse by shutting your mouth.
15. “Being too careful and reserved when I meet new people, which makes them think I’m either not interested or even arrogant.
Different ways to handle this include:
* Study how to meet people and make friends. For any problem in the huge field of "I have no idea what normal looks like," great improvement can be made fairly fast by deliberately researching and practicing those skills. You can do it on your own or seek a support group or therapist for this.
* Look for extroverts who love to talk and do things, and will carry more of the weight for you. Some of them love to spill to anyone who will listen.
* Or look for other folks who are reserved for various reasons. You both may have a devil of a time getting connected, but at least you understand each other.
* Seek situations that give you lots of opportunities to interact with people, but not too much pressure. Hobbies and volunteering are often good. As long as the opportunities keep coming, it's okay if you flub them, there will be more.
But don't lose your alertness to danger signals. Not everyone is someone you want to be with.
16. “I immediately cave in any confrontation.
See above #12 and #14. You need to be able to stand up for yourself. This is hard to learn, and you can't until you're in a safe place. Until then, avoiding confrontation is a survival skill. Once you're safe, then you can practice assertiveness.
17. “Over-explain myself and talk really fast because I was always talked over and ridiculed for everything I said.
Not dangerous, but uncomfortable and bad for your relationships. However, conversational skills are straightforward to learn, can be acquired in reasonable time, and give you a lot of bang for your buck. Choose from articles or books for self-help, or take a class. This is also one of the things that can be taught in therapy modules usually running just a few weeks or months, which is nice if you're afraid of unending therapy. This also combines really well with #15 above.
18. “Living my life being nearly unbearably lonely because I’ve found acceptance from so few and ridicule and betrayal from so many.
Sadly, a lot of people are dicks. If you want to be with nice people, that can take a while, but it is usually better to be alone than to be mistreated. Among the best solutions for this particular issue is to look for a support group. As abuse is common, there are many with this theme, and any good support group will give you acceptance and company as well as helping you cope with the issue itself.
19. “Silence. As a kid, I learned that speaking up about how I was feeling would only lead to more pain. As an adult, I struggle to communicate my feelings because I’m always afraid I will be dismissed, attacked or ignored.
Almost all abuse survivors have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. You can start on communication skills as with #17 above. One nice thing about this issue is that, while you can practice it with other people, you don't have to. You can work on feelings by yourself. That makes this a fantastic topic at the beginning of your journey if you're too scared to interact with others. Sometimes it helps to get a big list of feelings (now available in text) and study them or try to find them in yourself. The more words you have, the easier it is to name what you feel. This is another topic that has short to medium term therapy modules, if you like having help.
20. “I’m terrified of authority figures.
This can be impossible to fix in a barbaric society. If you're black in America, fearing the police is a valid survival technique. However, if you want to work on it, there are some fantastic authority figures and some of them make a practice of helping people overcome these fears. Also in any organization, there's usually at least one person that everybody looks up to and turns to for help. Try them, they're a good bet for this. For authority figures: watch for this clue because it's very common in survivors. Since about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted, you are guaranteed to be interacting with some -- and that's just one type of trauma. Watch for folks who seem scared or withdrawn, and try to be extra gentle. If you don't know how, get trauma-informed training, which will save you many headaches.
(Obviously, warning for fallout from abuse, uncomfortable issues, and problems that are hard to solve.)
1. “Apologizing for other people’s behavior, making excuses for them or trying to build a logical reason for why they behave the way they do.
Often a bad sign, but not always. It's okay if you are backstopping for someone who is temporarily unable to respond or hasn't grown into it yet. Taking responsibility in that situation means that the mishap gets addressed instead of ignored, which helps maintain relationships. When it becomes a problem is if you do this for people who can and should take responsibility for their own fuckups.
2. “Overthinking.
Good if it leads to fewer problems. Bad if it wastes time and energy. The fault here is not the action (thinking) but the amount (over). There are ways to reduce overthinking.
3. “I put tons of pressure on myself then fall to pieces when I cannot handle the unbearable load.
Always a problem sooner or later. Everyone has a breaking point. Don't try to find yours face-first. Take little steps. You're not going to fix years of abuse all at once.
5. “Bottling up everything and never really asking for help because I feel like a liability. When I talk to somebody and they interrupt me to start talking and afterwards ask me what I was busy saying, I say, ‘I can’t remember’ in order to downplay how much it actually hurt me.
That's a trust-graph problem. If you are still surrounded by assholes, this does not mean you are a liability, it just means they don't care about you. Look for nicer people to be with who actually want to listen to what you say. Remaining silent around assholes is often prudent for safety reasons: correct distrust. However, if you are around nice people and still can't squeeze words out, that's under-trusting and shorts you on chances to socialize. There are ways to ask for help.
6. “Apologizing all the time. Being scared to do things because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll get it wrong or disappoint someone.” — Laurie B.
Much like #1 and #5 above. Apologizing is a necessary skill, but overdoing can cause problems. Worrying that people will throw a fit if you're wrong is a credible threat in situations where they actually do so often, but not when people are tolerant of mistakes because everyone makes them sometimes.
7. “Now, as an adult, I realized a lot of my anger comes from having anger and abuse directed towards me as a child.” — Andrea V.
Traumatic rage is a serious issue that can fuck up your life. Most of the time people say that anger is the angry person's fault. This is incompletely true. People are responsible for choosing healthy ways to deal with their emotions. But if that learning process was broken by child abuse, that is not their fault, and they're not going to be any good at handling it until that damage is repaired and emotional regulation skills learned. Some folks work through it on their own, but most benefit from expert help. And never forget that anger is a sign of thwarted needs; it's there to keep you from being a doormat. Consider whether the things pissing you off need to be changed -- quit a job, move house, leave an irritating person, etc.
8. “Acting all big and tough, pretending like I don’t have a problem in the world.
This is among the riskiest symptoms. About a third of abuse survivors become abusers; about two-thirds do not. The more aggressive symptoms correlate with people learning "might makes right" and wanting a turn on top. People who try to present themselves as invulnerable are quite prone to attacking anyone who reveals their vulnerabilities.
9. “Flinching when people touch me or when they scream.
Dead giveaway, and important to shuck as soon as possible because it makes you look like easy meat and contributes to revictimization. Many human predators hunt for people who look like victims. (This doesn't make it the victim's fault, just means that abusers are lazy assholes. A decent person would either leave them in peace or ask if they're okay.) Fortunately these reflexes are among the most straightforward, if tedious, to repair. You need a safe situation and at least one friend to help you with it. Then you can practice safe touch, usually in very small amounts at first, expanding as you become more comfortable. Noises can be worked up to also. Just don't try to tone down these protective reflexes until you really are in a secure context. If you're in danger, they suck but you still need them. And for other folks: don't grab people without permission. An abuse survivor will flinch; a veteran might throw you down the stairs before he realizes you're not trying to kill him. Grabbing is always rude and occasionally risky.
10. “[I] make fun of my own emotions, call myself names when I’m acting emotional,
People who are mistreated learn to mistreat themselves and others. This can make anyone's life miserable. Again, it's straightforward though not easy to fix. Practice self-compassion. This will also make you more compassionate in general, which is typically good.
11. “I’m so afraid of my loved ones dying.
Big existential issues like this usually require a foundation of other intrapersonal skills. The best you can do early on is work on practical skills and try to build connections with people so that losing one person won't take out your entire support system. Even this much is difficult when you want to hide under a rock because your soul hurts. But later on, there are ways to make peace with death. One thing that may help at any stage is making friends with folks in death-friendly cultures. For instance, Mexicans picnic in cemeteries to spend time with their ancestors. Since friends influence each other, sometimes this helps.
12. “Always saying ‘yes,’ because if I say ‘no,’ I will feel like a bad girl.
Another way to ruin anyone's life. Everyone needs the skill of saying no. Here are some effective ways to say no. For other folks, sometimes you can help by prefacing a question or request with "It's okay to say no."
13. “If I make a decision, even a small decision [like] switching toothpaste brands, I panic because I don’t know if I’m making the right decision because I was conditioned to never trust myself.
This one you can fix with logic. It won't make the panic go away quickly -- that often takes time to wear off -- but it can get you unstuck in a reasonably short period. If you like therapy, ask for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy on this topic. Use the engineering model for decision-making. It gives you a good chance at a workable first solution, and if not, you just loop back and try something else. Panic is for things you can't affect. Logic works on most situations because you can usually keep trying until you find a solution that works. Also as a general rule, have a Plan B. Failure is much less scary when you know a thing to do next. Meanwhile, there are other skills for coping with panic.
14. “When people raise their voice at me, I automatically shut down.
Very difficult to fix in yourself, especially without therapy. However, you can ask people who care about you to disagree quietly; if they really care, they will work on that. Other folks in general can try to avoid shouting at people, and especially watch for anyone who shuts down when yelled at. That really is a big trauma clue. You may not be able to get them back in their body quickly, but you can avoid making it worse by shutting your mouth.
15. “Being too careful and reserved when I meet new people, which makes them think I’m either not interested or even arrogant.
Different ways to handle this include:
* Study how to meet people and make friends. For any problem in the huge field of "I have no idea what normal looks like," great improvement can be made fairly fast by deliberately researching and practicing those skills. You can do it on your own or seek a support group or therapist for this.
* Look for extroverts who love to talk and do things, and will carry more of the weight for you. Some of them love to spill to anyone who will listen.
* Or look for other folks who are reserved for various reasons. You both may have a devil of a time getting connected, but at least you understand each other.
* Seek situations that give you lots of opportunities to interact with people, but not too much pressure. Hobbies and volunteering are often good. As long as the opportunities keep coming, it's okay if you flub them, there will be more.
But don't lose your alertness to danger signals. Not everyone is someone you want to be with.
16. “I immediately cave in any confrontation.
See above #12 and #14. You need to be able to stand up for yourself. This is hard to learn, and you can't until you're in a safe place. Until then, avoiding confrontation is a survival skill. Once you're safe, then you can practice assertiveness.
17. “Over-explain myself and talk really fast because I was always talked over and ridiculed for everything I said.
Not dangerous, but uncomfortable and bad for your relationships. However, conversational skills are straightforward to learn, can be acquired in reasonable time, and give you a lot of bang for your buck. Choose from articles or books for self-help, or take a class. This is also one of the things that can be taught in therapy modules usually running just a few weeks or months, which is nice if you're afraid of unending therapy. This also combines really well with #15 above.
18. “Living my life being nearly unbearably lonely because I’ve found acceptance from so few and ridicule and betrayal from so many.
Sadly, a lot of people are dicks. If you want to be with nice people, that can take a while, but it is usually better to be alone than to be mistreated. Among the best solutions for this particular issue is to look for a support group. As abuse is common, there are many with this theme, and any good support group will give you acceptance and company as well as helping you cope with the issue itself.
19. “Silence. As a kid, I learned that speaking up about how I was feeling would only lead to more pain. As an adult, I struggle to communicate my feelings because I’m always afraid I will be dismissed, attacked or ignored.
Almost all abuse survivors have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. You can start on communication skills as with #17 above. One nice thing about this issue is that, while you can practice it with other people, you don't have to. You can work on feelings by yourself. That makes this a fantastic topic at the beginning of your journey if you're too scared to interact with others. Sometimes it helps to get a big list of feelings (now available in text) and study them or try to find them in yourself. The more words you have, the easier it is to name what you feel. This is another topic that has short to medium term therapy modules, if you like having help.
20. “I’m terrified of authority figures.
This can be impossible to fix in a barbaric society. If you're black in America, fearing the police is a valid survival technique. However, if you want to work on it, there are some fantastic authority figures and some of them make a practice of helping people overcome these fears. Also in any organization, there's usually at least one person that everybody looks up to and turns to for help. Try them, they're a good bet for this. For authority figures: watch for this clue because it's very common in survivors. Since about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually assaulted, you are guaranteed to be interacting with some -- and that's just one type of trauma. Watch for folks who seem scared or withdrawn, and try to be extra gentle. If you don't know how, get trauma-informed training, which will save you many headaches.
no subject
Alas!
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no subject
I'm still mostly dealing with all the after effects of my upbringing. Thankfully EMDR therapy has been good for treating my PTSD and the select few friends that know about my past look after me.
Alas!
I'm still mostly dealing with all the after effects of my upbringing. <<
That sucks.
>> Thankfully EMDR therapy has been good for treating my PTSD and the select few friends that know about my past look after me. <<
Yay! I'm glad you found a technique that works for you.
no subject
Well ...
But when they cluster -- when someone has a lot of these traits -- that correlates very strongly with adverse experiences. It isn't always abuse. Other things such as abandonment, neglect, traumatic injury or illness, multiple bereavements, etc. can cause some similar imprints.
Another possibility is memory impairment. Sometimes people don't recognize something as abuse but it does damage anyway. Other times they don't remember it. Serious injury or illness can create gaps too.
It could be coincidence that you have this cluster of traits. More likely, there's a reason behind it. If the traits are bothering you, then investigating them might help solve them. If they're not bothering you, it could dig up more trouble than it's worth.
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no subject
This is me. Though I have *some* damage from a year at a really terrible workplace, and other wear and tear, the majority of my 'twitchy' behaviors are long-standing and seem to correlate to my sensory issues, not trauma. I can kinda feel the difference in my head between emotionally reliving something - generally only when I feel like I'm in trouble with 'the boss' or talk in detail about that year - and feeling nervous as hell for *other* reasons, and the latter I do a lot more. As an analogy - not all sensitive skin is scar tissue, but scars do tend to be delicate.
I'm really lucky. Statistically speaking. Though I think the bar for an acceptable society-wide average on number and intensity of damaging experiences per person *should* be way the hell stricter than the current shitshow.
Thoughts
no subject
Transcription
The picture shows a grid with 9 rows of 7 face emoticons with a word for each (except the one in the bottom-right corner which is a blank circle without a word). I think the emoticon is supposed to show what the emotion the word represents looks like on someone's face, but to me some of them seem a bit... off. I don't think I could really describe the faces anyway, but here's the words at least:
Aggressive Agonised Anxious Apologetic Arrogant Bashful Blissful
Bored Cautious Cold Concentrating Confident Curious Determined
Disappointed Disapproving Disbelieving Disgusted Distasteful Eavesdropping Ecstatic
Enraged Envious Exasperated Exhausted Frightened Frustrated Grieving
Guilty Happy Horrified Hot Hungover Hurt Hysterical
Indifferent Idiotic Innocent Interested Jealous Joyful Lonely
Lovestruck Meditative Mischievous Miserable Negative Obstinate Optimistic
Pained Paranoid Regretful Relieved Sad Satisfied Shocked
Sheepish Smug Surprised Suspicious Sympathetic Thoughtful
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Oops ...
no subject
Well, that's a big ol'list of tick boxes, with about half of them filled in for me...
I'm working on healing, and some I never had, but I've a ways to go yet it seems. Not helped by the fact that at it's root, society itself is abusive, or at least, run by abusers. Omelas, but with more than one person in the hole.
no subject
Run by abusers. Yeah, that doesn't help one bit. And, yeah, tickybox a few of those for me, too, though (thanks Be) I've worked through or are working through a lot of them. I've made my peace with the idea that some will never get un-ticked completely... and am working on making my war against the miscreants.
(no subject)
Well ...
no subject
Thoughts
Bummer.
>> I'm working on healing, and some I never had, but I've a ways to go yet it seems. Not helped by the fact that at it's root, society itself is abusive, or at least, run by abusers.<<
Sadly so. Look at America, deliberately electing an internet troll to the highest office. There is no clearer endorsement of sexism, racism, and other abuse.
>> Omelas, but with more than one person in the hole. <<
That story has always been an allegory about classism. And the discussion question is always, "Would you stay as part of the privileged, or would you walk away and give up the privileges?" There is no acknowledgement that other alternatives even exist such as breaking the society from within -- or mine, which was "I'd break the scapegoat out of prison, spread accelerant, and throw a match behind me as I left."
Eventually I wrote a poem about it.
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no subject
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Also, I'm really sorry that people were touchy-feely if it made you uncomfortable.
Also, your username. I find it amusing as heck. :D
Thoughts
Yeah, that can happen too.
>> I was at a party last night and people were very...touchy feely <<
Yeesh, not fun. It's fine if all the folks are familiar and cuddly, or if the levels of touch vary and people ask first, but if you mix levels without asking what someone's is, that causes stress.
>> and while I have gotten to be 'ok' (not awesome, but ok) with getting touched (not perved on) while dancing, I do not initiate touching someone else. It's absolutely about respecting physical space that was not given to me. <<
Are you okay asking and then touching, or do you not initiate it that way either? Most humans do need healthy touch, although the amount varies.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-12-03 07:46 pm (UTC)(link)One of the problems was feeling ignored. For some people it might not be only because they're scared; they might have a support network that is supposed to be there in theory, but isn't in practice. I and a lot of people I know are dealing with that one. It can suck when you're trying to reach out or be heard, but no one responds; I would think that's more common in long-distance and online relationships, because people can't coordinate easily.
Fortunately, if you're at the point where you can start processing, you can do the emotional work yourself. Avoids becoming dependent, too.
Unfortunately a lot of people advise "Just ask for some help" in the problem of people not being there and feeling hurt by that. A lot of times that doesn't work; if everybody has busy schedules, at most you might expect somebody to stick around for the instance you ask for help, but not be there for ongoing support. In my experience, the only thing that's helped curb that hurt is going through a list of the people I had expected, on some level, to have something to say and listing reasons why they wouldn't be there. C and E don't go online often. G has anxiety. H has so many other things taking up energy that I can't expect them to be around. It redirects the negative feelings into logic and reasoning instead of leaving them to lash out or guilt trip for not being there, which is an abusive thing to do.
no subject
Yes ...
(no subject)
Thoughts
Yeah, that's a big one. :(
>> For some people it might not be only because they're scared; they might have a support network that is supposed to be there in theory, but isn't in practice. I and a lot of people I know are dealing with that one. It can suck when you're trying to reach out or be heard, but no one responds; I would think that's more common in long-distance and online relationships, because people can't coordinate easily.<<
Bait-and-switch is a major problem in relationships. You can reduce or stop contact with people who aren't reliable, but this often means having no support network at all. It doesn't help that people aren't allowed to be as reliable as they used to -- so many jobs have erratic schedules that it becomes impossible to make plans, which is ruinous to individual and collective lives.
>>Fortunately, if you're at the point where you can start processing, you can do the emotional work yourself. Avoids becoming dependent, too.<<
That's true.
>> Unfortunately a lot of people advise "Just ask for some help" in the problem of people not being there and feeling hurt by that. <<
That advice is valid when help is available, but not when there is none. Since abuse survivors are not well valued in society, often they have little or no support; and the problem you mentioned with false support is pervasive.
>> A lot of times that doesn't work; if everybody has busy schedules, at most you might expect somebody to stick around for the instance you ask for help, but not be there for ongoing support. <<
Good point. This is one area where having a support group can make a big difference, for anyone who likes that sort of thing. However, it's not the same as having close friends and family who care about you.
>> In my experience, the only thing that's helped curb that hurt is going through a list of the people I had expected, on some level, to have something to say and listing reasons why they wouldn't be there. C and E don't go online often. G has anxiety. H has so many other things taking up energy that I can't expect them to be around. It redirects the negative feelings into logic and reasoning instead of leaving them to lash out or guilt trip for not being there, which is an abusive thing to do.<<
Yeah. But it means that, in effect, you have no support network.
If I need help that works online, I have many people I can ask and they'll come through. If I need help facetime, I have my immediate family and that's it. I have a few long-distance friends who occasionally visit, which is great. But it's rare to have facetime friends who are actually good for anything beyond casual socializing. They're all too happy to ask for favors, but the minute I ask for something -- even as simple as showing up when they say they will -- they tend to scram. It is frustrating.
I try not to make promises I can't keep. I think it's better to tell people I'm busy and not sure I can help.
Heh.
One to add to the list: I never learned to self-regulate my emotions very well and still have a pretty limited range of coping skills. Being on an anti-depressant helps a little and therapy helps some but eating (sugary or carby-cheesy foods in particular) is one of the only things that's particularly reliable. And the cheesy bread doesn't judge but it's hard on the meatsuit.
Re: Heh.
Alas! :(
>> This plus lack of social skills and lack of ability to blend in with mundanes leaves the range of jobs I can manage pretty narrow.<<
Bummer.
>> Right now I work as a grocery store cashier - it works for me because it's mostly a limited set of interactions that I've been able to memorize and there's limited "office politics" <<
That makes sense.
>> although I don't know how much longer I will be able to do it because it's still emotionally exhausting and my physical body is starting to react really badly to all the stress. <<
Not good, no. :(
Maybe you could look for a job that requires less interaction with people? Some things like data entry or transcription can be very quiet work. Plus, more and more jobs nowadays can be done mostly or entirely from home.
>> One to add to the list: I never learned to self-regulate my emotions very well and still have a pretty limited range of coping skills. <<
Both of those are common to abuse survivors.
Learning coping skills is pretty easy -- just get a big list and try the things on it to see which you like. Then make a shorter list of your favorites, which is very handy if you're too stressed to think of solutions. Here's a very basic list for people under heavy stress. Figuring out which ones help with which types of upset is more challenging. This poster lists different types of coping skills with the pros and cons of each. You might find it helpful to make a grid of your most common triggers, and then try to find a handful of coping skills to soothe each one.
Learning emotional regulation is harder, and requires that you first know what your emotions are and what influences them. Make sure you put the bottom rungs on the ladder before you tackle this skillset. Some resources ...
http://www.erosresearch.org/index.php/emotion_regulation/an%20easy%20guide/
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kenneth-barish-phd/how-do-children-learn-to-_b_3890461.html
http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/what-is-emotion-regulationsinfo-brief.pdf
https://learning2breathe.org/about/purpose
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201304/10-essential-emotion-regulation-skills-adults
https://skills4lifeot.com/tools-to-enhance-emotional-self-regulation/
http://special-ism.com/build-self-regulation-tool-box/
Both coping skills and emotional regulation are things that therapists often teach. Since you're in therapy, these are things you could discuss. Your therapist might have a module on coping skills. Emotional regulation is usually part of longer-term therapy. A good therapist is especially handy for helping you figure out which things to try and whether they are working for you, if you are uncertain.
>> Being on an anti-depressant helps a little and therapy helps <<
Yay!
>> some but eating (sugary or carby-cheesy foods in particular) is one of the only things that's particularly reliable. And the cheesy bread doesn't judge but it's hard on the meatsuit. <<
Some possible considerations here ...
* If the effect comes from specific nutrients, then tweaking your diet might fix that with healthier things.
* If the effect is tactile or flavorful, you can explore not only healthier versions of the same thing (such as stevia instead of sugar) but also completely different things. Trying new foods makes me happy, even though I have to be careful because my digestion is iffy. I like fruit as a comfort food because it's juicy -- not something many people have thought to try, but I've gotten a few hooked on it.
* If the effect is nostalgic or otherwise emotional, sometimes it is possible to reset that by having someone you care about make healthy nibblements for you. My fondness for chopped apples in a cup comes from my grandmother making it for me. Mom would do ants on a log (celery and peanut butter with raisins).
* Pay attention to the visual appeal. It doesn't add calories but can be a wonderful boost to mood. Also foods that are naturally bright in color tend to have more nutrients. Hence the appeal of salads with mixed vegetables, or putting diced peppers into eggs.
* Some people find making food as comforting as eating it. By focusing on the process throughout, you can get more comfort for the same amount of calories.
* Some people feel comforted by the smell of food -- especially things like baking bread or simmering soup. You might look into types of comfort food that take a long time to make, filling the house with delicious smells. This is one of the things that makes me really happy and sociable.
* If you are working on self-care or self-compassion, then consider making healthy comfort food as a way to take care of yourself. This works especially well if other people aren't treating you very well.
Re: Heh.
Re: Heh.
Re: Heh.
Re: Heh.
life challenges, and rule sets
How have I gotten along in the world? Here are some of the rules that have worked for me.
Trust no one. Depend on no one. Cultivate the art of hiding in plain sight. Reach out to offer a helping hand if you feel like it, but *don't* give yourself away... it's really easy to "win friends" that way, and helping others can have many satisfactions, but if you let the well run all the way dry, everybody suffers from the drought.
Re: life challenges, and rule sets
That is statistically valid. Most child abuse, rape, and murder happen by someone the victim knows. So do many thefts, especially if relatives are disturbed in some way. Obviously adultery and domestic violence always are. 0_o
>> Trust no one. Depend on no one.<<
Since it's impossible to get away from other people completely, I try to identify those who are reliable at least in some limited sense. But they are few. I have my immediate family. Beyond that, if I have to rely on someone else, whatever it is probably won't get done right if at all. So I do as much as I can myself, and try to avoid situations where I have to rely on other people or they have power over me, because that tends to go poorly.
I have found it very effective to build trust by exchanging small amounts over time. The problem is, almost everyone fails out at embarrassingly low levels (like "show up when you say you will").
>> Cultivate the art of hiding in plain sight. <<
Crucial survival skill.
>> Reach out to offer a helping hand if you feel like it, but *don't* give yourself away... it's really easy to "win friends" that way, and helping others can have many satisfactions, but if you let the well run all the way dry, everybody suffers from the drought. <<
Yeah, the problem I have there is most people are happy to ask for favors, but the moment I ask for anything back, they scram. >_< I would rather be alone than used, but it's annoying to be alone because other people do not understand how a relationship even works. Especially since society spent decades whining about my "lack of people skills." I didn't lack people skills, I was just ahead of my time.
Re: life challenges, and rule sets
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Yes, please!
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PTSD from childhood is one hell of a bitch to recover from.
Yes ...
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(Anonymous) 2017-12-07 03:41 pm (UTC)(link)no subject
(Anonymous) 2017-12-07 03:48 pm (UTC)(link)Yes ...