Hard Things

[ysabetwordsmith]

Life is full of things which are hard or tedious or otherwise unpleasant that need doing anyhow. They help make the world go 'round, they improve skills, and they boost your sense of self-respect. But doing them still kinda sucks. It's all the more difficult to do those things when nobody appreciates it. Happily, blogging allows us to share our accomplishments and pat each other on the back.

What are some of the hard things you've done recently? What are some hard things you haven't gotten to yet, but need to do?

Comments

[gingicat]

This whole summer has been hard, because of family leave with my daughter.

What I *have* to do, though, is help my son:
- sit down with the educational advocate
- hire a mediator
- get him into a school program that will actually move him forward into success rather than just promote to the next grade

I realized this summer that somehow none of the occupational therapists taught him to tie knots once he had the fine motor control, because they were focused on social skills, and now he's convinced he can't do it at all. He turned twelve this week. He struggled through fifth and sixth grade and now he's being forced to go on to seventh grade.

At least he gets praise for dealing with frustration less violently than his sister...

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>This whole summer has been hard, because of family leave with my daughter.<<

That sucks.

>>- get him into a school program that will actually move him forward into success rather than just promote to the next grade<<

Good luck with that.

>> I realized this summer that somehow none of the occupational therapists taught him to tie knots once he had the fine motor control, because they were focused on social skills, and now he's convinced he can't do it at all. <<

*sigh* Occupational therapists are supposed to ask the client -- which at minimum should be you, and preferably should be him -- for a set of goals. What can he not do that he wants or needs to do? What is happening that he wants to stop? And then their job is to figure out how to get from here to there. They aren't supposed to make up the goals, because everyone's needs are different, although it's easy to get priorities scrambled in a complex situation.

Hm, it might help to split it and have one person teach social skills, another physical skills. It's hard enough juggling one batch of hard things, without having to account for two totally different batches of stuff.

>> He turned twelve this week. He struggled through fifth and sixth grade and now he's being forced to go on to seventh grade. <<

That sucks. It's not a real education then, people are just lying to make themselves look good, because it'll look very bad for them if he drops out or you pull him out at that level due to them not in fact teaching him things. If they won't quit lying, your best bet is to move him somewhere else, or at least be honest about the fact that he's not getting an education and quit pressuring him to fake it.

>>At least he gets praise for dealing with frustration less violently than his sister...<<

Yeah, but what does that really get him, other than not punished? It's not getting his needs met, which sucks. This matters because when needs aren't met, people tend to up the ante eventually, which is exactly how a child goes from saying no to pulling away to bolting to hitting. So often, the resources aren't there, and people just expect them to suffer silently.

I hope you can find solutions.

[johnpalmer]

Just telling him that knots aren't easy, for anyone, but certain knots have been practiced (shoe lace bow) for so long that people don't even realize they're tricky any longer, might help. Knots require knowing a lot of things and their positions at every moment - sometimes it comes down to trusting that if you do what you're told, the knot just works. It's a bit like landing on an aircraft carrier - you can't hold all the important information in your head, and you can't even *see* what you need to see, but you can trust that if you figure out how to follow the instructions, it works.

Try this ...

[ysabetwordsmith]

Some ideas for learning knots:

* Use big rope instead of small shoelaces.

* Use two short lengths of rope in different colors so you can tell them apart.

* Instead of trying to tie a whole knot right away, break down the process into individual tasks. Learn how rope or shoelace feels and moves. Practice sticking it through loops of itself or holes in a lacing card. Learn the words for rope, knots, and actions. Then study the overhand knot before trying to do that and the loops.

* Consider different bow methods. Some people just can't get the hang of some bows, but can learn others.

* If he likes books, the Klutz Book of Knots is good. If he prefers computers, there are animated and text instructions. If he likes math/geometry, consider different shoe lacing patterns. At least then you get a cool design instead of the same stupid thing everyone else is wearing.

* Finally, shoe tying isn't a measure of personhood, sanity, or maturity. It's just a thing many people do. Some folks prefer slip-on, velcro, buckle, or other types of shoe and that is fine. Tying knots is useful for practicing dexterity, but it's not the only way, and probably not worth the headache if it has turned into a trigger. You don't have to eat the eggplant.