>> For some people it might not be only because they're scared; they might have a support network that is supposed to be there in theory, but isn't in practice. I and a lot of people I know are dealing with that one. It can suck when you're trying to reach out or be heard, but no one responds; I would think that's more common in long-distance and online relationships, because people can't coordinate easily.<<
Bait-and-switch is a major problem in relationships. You can reduce or stop contact with people who aren't reliable, but this often means having no support network at all. It doesn't help that people aren't allowed to be as reliable as they used to -- so many jobs have erratic schedules that it becomes impossible to make plans, which is ruinous to individual and collective lives.
>>Fortunately, if you're at the point where you can start processing, you can do the emotional work yourself. Avoids becoming dependent, too.<<
That's true.
>> Unfortunately a lot of people advise "Just ask for some help" in the problem of people not being there and feeling hurt by that. <<
That advice is valid when help is available, but not when there is none. Since abuse survivors are not well valued in society, often they have little or no support; and the problem you mentioned with false support is pervasive.
>> A lot of times that doesn't work; if everybody has busy schedules, at most you might expect somebody to stick around for the instance you ask for help, but not be there for ongoing support. <<
Good point. This is one area where having a support group can make a big difference, for anyone who likes that sort of thing. However, it's not the same as having close friends and family who care about you.
>> In my experience, the only thing that's helped curb that hurt is going through a list of the people I had expected, on some level, to have something to say and listing reasons why they wouldn't be there. C and E don't go online often. G has anxiety. H has so many other things taking up energy that I can't expect them to be around. It redirects the negative feelings into logic and reasoning instead of leaving them to lash out or guilt trip for not being there, which is an abusive thing to do.<<
Yeah. But it means that, in effect, you have no support network.
If I need help that works online, I have many people I can ask and they'll come through. If I need help facetime, I have my immediate family and that's it. I have a few long-distance friends who occasionally visit, which is great. But it's rare to have facetime friends who are actually good for anything beyond casual socializing. They're all too happy to ask for favors, but the minute I ask for something -- even as simple as showing up when they say they will -- they tend to scram. It is frustrating.
I try not to make promises I can't keep. I think it's better to tell people I'm busy and not sure I can help.
Thoughts
Yeah, that's a big one. :(
>> For some people it might not be only because they're scared; they might have a support network that is supposed to be there in theory, but isn't in practice. I and a lot of people I know are dealing with that one. It can suck when you're trying to reach out or be heard, but no one responds; I would think that's more common in long-distance and online relationships, because people can't coordinate easily.<<
Bait-and-switch is a major problem in relationships. You can reduce or stop contact with people who aren't reliable, but this often means having no support network at all. It doesn't help that people aren't allowed to be as reliable as they used to -- so many jobs have erratic schedules that it becomes impossible to make plans, which is ruinous to individual and collective lives.
>>Fortunately, if you're at the point where you can start processing, you can do the emotional work yourself. Avoids becoming dependent, too.<<
That's true.
>> Unfortunately a lot of people advise "Just ask for some help" in the problem of people not being there and feeling hurt by that. <<
That advice is valid when help is available, but not when there is none. Since abuse survivors are not well valued in society, often they have little or no support; and the problem you mentioned with false support is pervasive.
>> A lot of times that doesn't work; if everybody has busy schedules, at most you might expect somebody to stick around for the instance you ask for help, but not be there for ongoing support. <<
Good point. This is one area where having a support group can make a big difference, for anyone who likes that sort of thing. However, it's not the same as having close friends and family who care about you.
>> In my experience, the only thing that's helped curb that hurt is going through a list of the people I had expected, on some level, to have something to say and listing reasons why they wouldn't be there. C and E don't go online often. G has anxiety. H has so many other things taking up energy that I can't expect them to be around. It redirects the negative feelings into logic and reasoning instead of leaving them to lash out or guilt trip for not being there, which is an abusive thing to do.<<
Yeah. But it means that, in effect, you have no support network.
If I need help that works online, I have many people I can ask and they'll come through. If I need help facetime, I have my immediate family and that's it. I have a few long-distance friends who occasionally visit, which is great. But it's rare to have facetime friends who are actually good for anything beyond casual socializing. They're all too happy to ask for favors, but the minute I ask for something -- even as simple as showing up when they say they will -- they tend to scram. It is frustrating.
I try not to make promises I can't keep. I think it's better to tell people I'm busy and not sure I can help.