Poem: "Frob, Twiddle, and Tweak"

[ysabetwordsmith]

This is today's freebie, inspired by redsixwing. It also fills the "vindication" square in my 8-1-16 card for the Survival Bingo fest. It belongs to the series An Army of One.


"Frob, Twiddle, and Tweak"


"I love the society you people
are building," Darmid said as he
watched a bucket chain forming
to unload the supply ship, with
a very synchronized pattern
developing within minutes as
the workers copied each other.

"It's just frob, twiddle, and tweak,"
said Crank. "First you move things around
to see what they do. Then you guess at settings
for each of the parts. Then you fine-tune them
in relation to each other. I was surprised to find
how well mechanical concepts can apply to
social sciences, but I guess I just needed
to meet the right group of people."

"I'm impressed by how much you have
already accomplished here," said Darmid.
It makes me so excited for my son's future!
I've known plenty of social scientists and
mechanics, but none of them think
outside the box the way you do."

"Maybe it's just because we put
extra handles on our thought patterns,"
he said, flipping the frobs on his necklace
up and down. "I move this thing, and
my brain changes gears."

"Now I want one of those," Darmid said.

* * *

Notes:

Here's a basic description of "frob." I've always used this set of definitions:
Frob -- to move the parts or controls of an unfamiliar device very broadly to identify their functions/range.
Twiddle -- to move parts in smaller ways so as to estimate likely settings, usually one at a time.
Tweak -- to make fine adjustments in the settings, usually in relation to each other, to derive a final configuration.

Fidgeting is any pleasant, repetitive motions. It improves concentration, memory, and creativity especially for neurovariant people.

Stimming is an important part of neurovariant thought, identity, and culture. Unfortunately neurotypical people often disapprove and suppress stimming, sometimes to the point of abuse, even though neurotypical people do it too. Here are tips on how to stim.

Stim jewelry is designed to facilitate safe, effective fidgeting. There's even a blog for it. This chewable gem necklace has one or more silicone prisms to manipulate. Crank has this version.

Comments

Re: STIM

[ysabetwordsmith]

>> So...I ranted a bit in SUPPORT of the anon commenter. Chance to go read something else... <<

I really appreciate the other voices in this thread. Thanks for helping me make my little corner of cyberspace a more inclusive place.

>> I am really angry on your behalf. <<

So very true.

>> Threatening people just does not work! If people are doing something that hurts themselves, it is for a REASON, <<

Yep. I am just starting to see this in resources over the last few years, as more people self-advocate. It's in the Hurt Yourself Less workbook, which is all about examining what self-injury does for you and exploring how to do it more safely, do it less, or substitute other behaviors depending on user preference. Most materials written by and for SI folks emphasize that threats, force, punishment, ultimatums, obligatory contracts, etc. make the stress worse, make them want to cut more, and drive them away from services.

That is not help. It is HELPINESS -- when people want to do things to you for their own gratification, regardless of its effect on you, but they say it's for your own good. People who genuinely want to help ...

>> and people should ask ... "sooo... how can I help?" before anything else! <<

... will do this instead. They will give you support, ideas, take some of the weight off, assist you in finding tools or making decisions, etc. Real help should make you feel better and more in control. Another crucial point is that real help doesn't demand that you solve all your own problems before you're permitted any assistance, like the no-harm contracts do. Well if you could just STOP like that, you wouldn't need help with it! 0_o Supportive people will meet you where you are, and when you figure out where you want to go, assist you in that direction. Not drag you around by the hair.

>> (Ysabetwordsmith linked some resources for self-harm in the Cassandra series of poems, which is quite different from intense stims but may still be useful.) <<

There are a lot of reasons why people self-injure. For some it is sensory-seeking. For some it is stress relief. For some it is punishment. All of those things have different solutions, and if you have multiple reasons, you will probably need a batch of different coping skills.

Cassandra cuts for three main reasons: control because she didn't have any other kind, stress relief because mistreatment made her repress things until they explode, and sensory-seeking because the repression made her half-numb. She wants to stop, or more properly, wants to find safer and healthier ways to destress and feel things.

Shiv cuts because he likes pain. His, someone else's, it's all fun for him as long as he has some influence over it. He likes sharp things. He doesn't want to stop. He would prefer to get in less trouble over it. So his solutions are very different, more aimed at learning some safety techniques. He's always going to have a taste for bloodsports, but hopefully he'll shift toward willing partners instead of street fights. Also, keep an eye out for Travis' little brother Joey, mentioned in a variety of anecdotes. Joey is another sensory-seeker who loves bashing into things. Solutions ranged from covering a baby gate with bubble wrap, to sitting on him, to Joey's football practice.

I've written about deliberate self-injury and incidental harm in a variety of places, but those are by far the most dedicated threads. They have a lot of different resources, and as much as possible, I've references materials written by and for SI folks. The clinical stuff tends to be so judgmental and prescriptive it can do more harm than good.

>> Also having literature to point to when one is trying to explain "I don't have a problem except inasmuch as my needs are not being met, you have a problem with me because you are an ableist jerk" in other words is VERY helpful. <<

Absolutely. There are a few good clinical references but most of that is from other SI folks who talk about what things have made them worse or better. Observation of their discussions indicates that while good therapy can help (i.e. if you need sensory stimulation there are people who teach that), bad therapy makes it a lot worse and unfortunately it's every difficult to find good therapy for SI or sensory-seeking that leaves marks.

>> Yes, and don't wrap tape up tight without having safety scissors, a bit of leverage to lift part of the tape, and enough circulation in hands to safely cut things loose. <<

A crucial aspect with any type of pressure play is width. Narrow things cut off circulation worse than wide things. Another is duration. You can safely clamp many body parts but not for long. 5-15 minutes is a reasonable range for things like nipple clamps or clothespins. (If you were playing with rubberbands, really, try those. Taking off clamps after 10 minutes and rubbing the marks can produce stupendous amounts of pain.) Body socks, mummy wraps, etc. can go longer but you have to watch out for overheating.

>> Oh! Idea! I haven't yet experimented with this myself, though I intend to, but self-adhesive athletic tape is a thing. (Also a kink thing (bondage tape), but you can get it elsewhere.) I don't know if it would trigger allergies or not, but there is no adhesive gunk on the skin so it might work. It only sticks to itself, so you can wrap it tight without it sticking to you.<<

Most of those wraps are hypoallergenic. I highly recommend VetRap, which is cheap, colorful, sticks only to itself, and is great for bondage or constriction. Ace bandages are breathable and reusable, but cost more and require a metal clip or velcro fastener. Bondage tape has hypoallergenic low-tack adhesive. If you like the feeling of being peeled, there is liquid latex, but use with caution because latex allergies can be life-wrecking. Body wax is another option and seems not to cause allergic reactions. If you like the kind of pain that comes from being peeled, you can just go to a spa for that. Honestly I think a lot of masochists just divert their needs into beauty routines and nobody bitches about that.

>> There are SAFE ways to do this, <<

Absolutely. But you need to understand WHY you do these things, what purpose they serve. For some things (like repressed feelings) if you deal with the underlying issue then the urges will diminish or go away. Other issues, you can divert the urge to a safer alternative, but they do different things so you have to understand what the original version does for you. If it's a general personality trait (like kink) then it will not go away and trying to get rid of it is very destructive. For that it's essential to find safe outlets.

>> if people will just help find/access them instead of shaming! <<

So. Much. This. Anyone who tries to take away your coping techniques before replacing them with a better option is NOT helping. Anyone who shames or threatens you for acting this way is NOT helping. Therapy which is a threat is punishment, not help. People who really care about you will provide resources and support for you to make positive changes that YOU want, not try to drag you through what THEY want.

>> And also, people need to be able to choose their level of REASONABLE RISK, <<

Yep. People do risky things all the time. They fuck. They drive cars. They ski. They swim. They juggle fire. They ride bulls. But some folks are not accorded respect or body autonomy, and some activities are frowned on. This varies by society; the Mayans were really into sadomasochism of not-always-consensual varieties and the consensual options available in their own religion were extreme.

It's not about the activities. It's about power.

>> with assistance and safety protocols and nonjudgmental supervision if necessary, <<

Having a spotter can make a lot of things much safer. Having an actual play partner is often even better. Plenty of people with intense sensory needs wind up in the kink community for these reasons. If nothing else, kink comes with extensive advice on how to know yourself and how to negotiate for what you want.

>> instead of being TOLD that they are not permitted to make certain choices because of their mental/physical conditions - that is infantilizing bullshit. <<

Yyyyyeah. That's a sensitive spot in kink because of the "safe SANE consensual" mantra: many folks will not play with anyone who has a physical or mental disability. A more inclusive approach is to be aware of special needs and plan accordingly. My stance is that if someone needs intense stimulation, it's a lot better to get that openly in a clean environment with a responsible partner than in a closet with whatever sharp junk comes to hand.

So if you're reading in the kink field, there's a lot of practical information that's very valuable, but the acceptance is variable.

>> Pro athletes get injuries doing their intense thing all the time, but people admire them for it, because our society doesn't make sense. <<

Understand that SI comes in fast and slow, deliberate and incidental. Fast and deliberate (like cutting) is criticized; slow and incidental (like smoking) is much more tolerated. One reason women get criticized far more than men is that women are more prone to deliberate injury while men usually sublimate it into dangerous sports or hobbies.

>>THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU for wanting intense physical sensations. Other people are just JERKS.<<

Sooth. It's only an issue if it causes problems for you -- if it's leaving scars you don't want, or infections, or makes you miserable with shame, or that nasty allergy to adhesive is a consequence to avoid repeating. If it's not bothering you, and it's not causing practical problems, then it is nobody else's business. They don't get to decide what you do with your body. If they have the power to violate your boundaries, at least know that you are being abused.

Re: STIM

[alatefeline]

<3 <3 <3 sending love to everyone commenting in this thread ... we will hopefully be okay but okay or not we are awesome <3 <3 <3

Re: STIM

[(Anonymous)]

the thing about a 21/20 hold is that it technically doesn't matter if you're of age to refuse treatment...it's a stupid bit of legalese, but it is there. If you don't give permission it doesn't matter because there's reasonable certainty of imminent threat/harm/danger to self or others, if you fight it the ambulance will call a squad car and you wind up in handcuffs. (the handcuff bit did not happen to me personally, but a friend of mine who also struggles with stimming/self injury issues, whereupon after their experience the threat of a 21/20 hold was rather...effective...at me finding ways to hide the fact that this is a friggin crushing NEED in my body and it helps me feel less like I am flying apart at the seams)

Re: STIM

[ysabetwordsmith]

Ways to cope with this:

* Understand that it is a violation of boundaries. It may be legal but that does not make it right. Know when you are being mistreated so you can cope instead of blaming yourself.

* Advocate for better awareness and respect for neurovariant people and their human rights. People have succeeded in striking down laws or at least getting better protections.

* Talk with a lawyer. You may be able to set up a legally enforceable set of directions to prevent people from trapping you in untenable situations. If you have a WRAP document filed there are things you can do to mandate following it. Also, you still have body autonomy. If you can afford a lawyer, you can sue people for violating your choices about your own body. Some kinky folks and many bodymod fans have had to do this. If you can't afford legal help, looking into pro bono or self-help options. There are "I'm being arrested" apps; if you have a lawyer you can punch the panic button when someone tries to take you away. A lot of "helpy" people will back the fuck off when a lawyer calls them.

* Similarly look for a supportive therapist. There are a few who are real attack dogs about protecting client autonomy and following principles of harm reduction. You might find one.

* Remove yourself from contact with people who abuse your boundaries by turning you over to those who will restrain you from helping yourself. It is like handcuffing someone so they cannot take pain medication. Sadly most neurovariant people have had to cut folks out of their life for threatening their sanity/survival.

* Share your needs with supportive people, and find outlets where you can take care of yourself. Avoid places that are dangerously intolerant. It is sad that these steps are necessary, but they are true for most disadvantaged people such as trans, queer, poor, female, kinky, etc. folks.

It is NOT OKAY for people to violate your choices. This is your body/mind to live in. You fix its glitches however works best for YOU.

Re: STIM

[ysabetwordsmith]

You might also study passive resistance and verbal self-defense. A short-term imprisonment can often just be waited out by refusing to respond to anyone or anything.

Remember, doctors are only human. If you drop dynamite down their reality tunnel, they'll flinch. Tell them they're hurting you and name how. Be explicit. Then nail that to something personal to create a trigger. "The next time you see your wife, think about strapping me down so I can't help myself. She's going to see that in your face. You're going to think of it."

Among the most ruthless is ticking the boxes of abuse: a difference in power, knowledge, and gratification. Threes are powerful. Use them.

You can't always stop people from hurting you. But you can usually get them back. Almost everyone in caregiving professions wants to think of themselves as "helping." Rip the blindoff off. It hurts like fuck. Cockroaches don't like light, and monsters don't like mirrors.

Let's not forget empathy. Many, many caregivers are untrained empaths, it's why they're so often a mess. You like sharp things. Make your pain into a knife and turn it on them. Often the effects will hit them later, but sometimes you'll get a sensitive one who will flinch right in front of you.

If you're worried about direct attacks provoking retaliation, use the disguised Verbal Attack Patterns. "If you REALLY cared..." is especially devastating in this situations. Almost nobody knows how to counter or even recognize VAPs so they usually work.

Note: the spectrum of force applies. These are extreme methods for when someone is hurting you. Don't use them in casual squabbles. Excessive force is not okay. And by extreme I mean it's possible to break people with this stuff. When they're trying to break YOU then it's justified.