>> Not to cover myself for being a jerk, because I don't usually do that, but because my sexuality is not mainstream and I like to have a place to rant occasionally, and I'd rather not have those things coming up in a Google search run by a potential Employer or something. <<
That makes sense.
>> "Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naïve, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best." <<
The thing is, dishonesty -- even the "etiquette" variety -- functions as sand in the gears. More for some people than others.
When I was little, I looked at this stack of datapoints: * "Do not lie. Lying is immoral and causes problems." * "Honesty is a virtue and people value it." * BUT telling the truth often causes people to go ballistic. Despite what they say, people actually hate honesty. It forces them to acknowledge things they are desperately trying to ignore. * AND lying is demanded, sometimes by force, over points of "politeness."
So I said, fuck it. I won't play by those rules. Those rules are insane. I will not play crazy mind games with crazy people who say one thing, do another, and blame everyone else for the mess that is obviously going to result from this communication clusterfuck. You want that, you will have to do it without my help.
I learned to decide whether or not to share my opinions based on safety, sanity, and risk/benefit assessment. I learned to think about phrasing, because it's possible to be honest without being sadistic about it. But I will neither give nor accept a dishonest apology, nor participate in a great many other social falsehoods, and in my observation, inaccurate communication (even for the sake of politeness) causes far more problems than it solves. They just tend to be subtle rather than overt, delayed rather than immediate, chronic rather than acute. And much harder to fix because you can barely tell what's gone wrong or talk about how.
Ultimately I summed it up like this: "A lie may be your ally, but it will never be your friend."
Thoughts
That makes sense.
>> "Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naïve, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best." <<
The thing is, dishonesty -- even the "etiquette" variety -- functions as sand in the gears. More for some people than others.
When I was little, I looked at this stack of datapoints:
* "Do not lie. Lying is immoral and causes problems."
* "Honesty is a virtue and people value it."
* BUT telling the truth often causes people to go ballistic. Despite what they say, people actually hate honesty. It forces them to acknowledge things they are desperately trying to ignore.
* AND lying is demanded, sometimes by force, over points of "politeness."
So I said, fuck it. I won't play by those rules. Those rules are insane. I will not play crazy mind games with crazy people who say one thing, do another, and blame everyone else for the mess that is obviously going to result from this communication clusterfuck. You want that, you will have to do it without my help.
I learned to decide whether or not to share my opinions based on safety, sanity, and risk/benefit assessment. I learned to think about phrasing, because it's possible to be honest without being sadistic about it. But I will neither give nor accept a dishonest apology, nor participate in a great many other social falsehoods, and in my observation, inaccurate communication (even for the sake of politeness) causes far more problems than it solves. They just tend to be subtle rather than overt, delayed rather than immediate, chronic rather than acute. And much harder to fix because you can barely tell what's gone wrong or talk about how.
Ultimately I summed it up like this: "A lie may be your ally, but it will never be your friend."