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ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the June 6, 2023 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by prompts from see_also_friend and arthur_p_dent. It also fills the "Introvert / solitary person ends up in the spotlight" square in my 6-1-23 card for the Kinky and Unusual Situations Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes disturbing mental terrain, because the inside of Shiv's head is always a warning, miscommunication, trauma responses. aversion to parties, dislike of attention, and crowds, pressure to socialize, young boys being bothersome, rude language, hostess putting a spotlight on someone without consent, bolting out of a room, awkward conversations, poor self-image, references to past abuse, emotional upheaval, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Put Yourself in the Right Lighting"
Shiv was curled up on the couch
looking through a horse magazine,
which he liked because it had
lots of big, pretty pictures and
the words weren't too hard.
Then Tolli came in and said,
"Shiv, there's a party tonight
that we'd like to attend with
some other horse folks nearby.
If you want to join us, you've
got an hour to get ready."
Shiv ducked his chin. He
knew that "if you want" really
meant "get ready or else."
"I'll go wash up now,"
he said as he dropped
the magazine on the couch.
Shiv hustled through a shower
and then checked his clothes.
For a visit this short, he hadn't
brought much, but Tolli and Simon
had gotten him a few new things.
There was a light blue denim jacket,
a white T-shirt with blue and rust stripes,
a rust button-up shirt, gray denim jeans,
and gray sneakers with rust and white trim.
Shiv had worried about melting down again
in the store like he had in the clothing bank,
but Tolli had just shown him how to make
an outfit that'd mix and match a bit.
Now he didn't have to think about
what went together; he just grabbed
the jacket, T-shirt, jeans, and shoes.
He'd be easy to overlook wearing
jeans and a T-shirt, because lots
of folks dressed like that, but he
looked decent enough to go out.
Shiv wondered how far he would
get through the party this time
before the shit hit the fan.
It always did sooner or later,
which is why he hated parties.
Nobody ever cared that he
didn't like being the center of
attention or squeezing through
a crowd of people he didn't know.
They just demanded that he talk
to them, but then they never
liked what he had to say.
50 "Ready to go," Shiv said as
he thumped down the stairs.
"You look nice," Simon said
with a warm smile of approval.
Shiv didn't really know what
to say about that, so he ducked
his head without saying anything.
He had to admit the drive was pretty,
though, rolling hills of green and gold fields
patched with deeper green forests and
cut through with creeks and ponds.
The farm itself was beautiful, with
a warm ivory house and garage
rising up from the pastures
dotted with cantering horses.
He caught the aquamarine gleam
of a swimming pool nestled amidst
the mounds of landscaped flowers.
The gravel driveway widened
into a sort of parking lot that was
mostly full of cars and pickup trucks.
Not exactly a promising sign.
"Don't worry too much about
the crowd," Tolli said. "The house
is huge and there's plenty of yard
for people to spread out in."
"Yeah, it's big," Shiv said.
Couldn't go wrong by agreeing.
He followed Simon up the ramp
to the big wooden deck, then
into the long family room
with its fancy glass doors.
Even spread out, there
were way too many people
for his comfort, as usual.
Simon tried introducing Shiv
to people, but the names just
went in one ear and out the other.
All that soaked in was that
half the folks running around
were one big sprawling family,
some hotshot horse people.
Vantha was the most annoying,
since it was her house and
she seemed determined to do
the "hostess" thing, pestering
Shiv to talk with a bunch of
people he didn't know and
didn't even want to meet.
"This is my daughter Nancy,
and she's about your age,"
Vantha tried again. "Nancy,
this is Shiv, who came here
with Tolli and Simon today."
"Hi, Shiv," Nancy said brightly.
"I like reading Easterns and
Westerns, what about you?"
"Never read if I can help it,"
Shiv muttered, eeling away
from them quick as he could.
"They have a music room
in back," Tolli pointed out.
Shiv checked it out. It had
a shiny black piano and
a whole case of guitars.
It was also crowded, it
had only one door, and
nobody was playing.
No way was he going
to touch anything himself.
Shiv drifted back out and
found a defensible position
tucked in a corner behind
the chair and the couch.
Fans whirred overhead,
keeping the place cool-ish,
their lights bathing everything
with a warm buttery glow.
Tolli and Simon were in
the bar just past the column,
close enough to see but not
hovering over him the way
that people usually did.
Along one wall went a row
of exercise equipment. Shiv
ran mental fingers across
the free weights and smirked.
If anyone messed with him,
he was more than prepared
to rise to that challenge.
There were people talking
about horses, which was
vaguely interesting, but
he didn't want to horn in.
It was better to stay out of
the way as long as he could.
Shiv spied an assortment of
blacksmith puzzles sitting
on one of the end tables.
They looked like the kind
that Tolli made in his forge;
in fact, they probably were his.
Shiv checked for a maker's mark,
and sure enough, found Tolli's.
First he sorted them by difficulty,
perching on the padded corner
of the couch back so he could
jump up quickly if necessary.
He picked up the easiest one
and deftly took it apart, then
put it back together again.
He solved the next one,
and the one after that.
"You like the puzzles?"
said a boy who looked
a few years younger than
Shiv. "I'm Randall Cobb if
you missed the introductions;
my aunt runs this place."
"I came with Tolli and
Simon," Shiv said instead
of naming a relationship
he wasn't sure of anyhow.
"Tolli makes these things."
"Yeah, he's really great at it,"
said Randall. More boys,
younger, drifted after him.
"You're good at solving."
"Bet I could do that,"
one of the boys said.
"Be nice, Mauris, he's
a guest," said Randall.
"Knock yourself out,"
Shiv said, and tossed
the puzzle to Mauris.
Of course, the other boy
didn't have a chance of
solving it, since Shiv had
tweaked it juuust enough
to make that impossible.
Mauris twisted and turned
the puzzle pieces, swearing
at them under his breath.
"You're not supposed to say
that," whispered another boy.
"Bite me, Geffery," said Mauris.
"Let me try," said the smallest.
"I've already solved that one."
"I think it's broken, Lewes,"
said Mauris. "Here, have it."
As Mauris surrendered the puzzle,
Shiv untweaked it so that Lewes
could get the target piece off.
"Oh, well, anyone could do that,"
Mauris said, pretending disdain.
"It's not that big of a deal."
"Uh huh," Shiv said, evading
his grab for the puzzle. With
a quick flick of his superpower,
he disconnected the parts.
"Coooool," said Randall.
Shiv didn't often show off
his ability in the open, and
especially in front of naries
who weren't gangsters, but
Randall seemed smooth with it.
Metal clinked quietly as Shiv
lifted the puzzle with his power,
turning it carefully in the air as
the pieces went back together.
By now, several girls had come
to watch, lining up behind the boys
but not interrupting the performance.
"That is so awesome," said Randall.
"Would you do another, please?"
He offered the next puzzle in line.
"Sure," said Shiv. This one was
the first of the advanced puzzles,
and required multiple steps to solve.
He had just completed the first when
suddenly a spotlight spilled over him.
"Our guest has a knack --" Vantha began.
Instantly Shiv rolled off the back of the couch,
dodged around the big square column, and
then vaulted over the exercise equipment
that blocked his path to the double doors.
He animated the free weights to push
people out of his way, who squawked
like a flock of flustered chickens.
Behind him, Simon was roaring
something at the awful hostess.
Once outside, Shiv pressed
his back to the wall and waited,
panting, listening for pursuit.
Sure enough, Tolli followed
hot on his heels, with Simon
barely a breath behind him.
"Are you all right?" Tolli said.
"Are you injured?" Simon asked.
"No, I just didn't volunteer to be
her fuckin' floor show," Shiv snarled.
"Why does everyone force introverts to be
talkative and leave their comfort zone, but
no one forces the extroverts to shut up,
even for a minute, to make the zone
comfortable?" someone drawled.
Startled, Shiv whirled to see
someone else leaning lazily
against the wall of the house.
She wore khaki pants with
a matching plaid shirt thrown
over the top, but underneath
was a teal T-shirt with text.
It took Shiv a moment
to piece together what he
could see of the words to get,
I might look like I'm listening
to you, but in my head
I'm riding my horse.
He snorted a laugh.
It reminded him of
some cat shirts he had.
"Because Vantha's a cunt?"
Shiv said, curling his lip.
"I don't like her either,"
the girl said. "Was fun
seeing someone else
put her nose out of joint.
I'm Britt, by the way."
"Shiv," he said. "If you
don't like her, then why
did you even come to
the crappy party?"
Britt just shrugged.
"Cause Vantha runs
the horse shows in
this area," she said.
"I like the horses
better'n her, though."
"Hell, who wouldn't,"
Shiv muttered.
"I'm sorry that this
didn't go as well as I
had hoped," Tolli said.
"What would help?"
"Not being here,"
Shiv snapped.
"Okay," Tolli said.
"We can get around
to the van from here,
without going inside."
"I'll let folks know that
we're heading out now,"
Simon said as he turned
back toward the door.
"Wait, just like that?"
Shiv said, baffled.
"You said that leaving
would help, and what
Vantha did was rude, so
we're going," said Tolli.
"Okay," Shiv said, following
Tolli back to the van. He
knew better than to look
a gift horse in the mouth.
It didn't take long for Simon
to meet them at the van.
As they pulled out of
the driveway, Shiv
pressed his cheek
against the cool glass
of the window, trying
and failing to calm down.
"Well, that could have
gone better," Simon said.
Shiv snorted. "Not like it
could've gone much worse."
"Nobody's bleeding and
nothing is on fire, so yes, it
could've gone a lot worse,"
Tolli said. "Still, I'm sorry
you had such a rough time."
"That always happens at
parties," Shiv said, shrugging.
"I'm surprised you agreed to come,
if that's your experience," said Tolli.
"Not like I had a choice," Shiv said.
Simon and Tolli shared a look.
"We fucked up," Simon said.
"Shiv, I invited you, but you could've
declined," said Tolli. "Then we'd talk
about what to do -- whether you wanted
to stay home alone, or with one of us,
or scrap the whole party idea and
do something else with the day."
"Wait, what?" Shiv said, confused.
"You mean, when you asked if
I wanted to join, you actually
meant that? I could've just
stayed home and skipped it?"
"Of course," said Tolli. "I'm
sorry I didn't make that clear."
"Nobody ever ..." Shiv said,
then tried a different approach.
"Where I come from, 'if you want'
meant 'do it or else' so I didn't
realize you meant it different."
"Finns take some getting used to,"
said Simon. "We will try to be
more careful in the future. For
now, do you have any idea
what you'd like for a forfeit?"
"What?" Shiv said, confused
all over again. "What forfeit?"
"For the miscommunication
and miserable trip," said Tolli.
"You pick something to make up
for the mistake we made, that
would help you feel better."
Shiv fingered the hem of
his T-shirt. The last thing
he needed was them wasting
more money on him, especially
after he wrecked the outing.
"Don't need nothin' more,
just glad to get outta there,"
he said as he hunched into
the shelter of his jean jacket.
"Maybe we can think of
something later," Tolli said.
"That'll do," Simon said.
"There are plenty of options."
Shiv didn't care as long as they
left him out of it, whatever it was.
"I'm not happy with Vantha,"
said Tolli. "That stunt wasn't
just mean, it could be dangerous
with some of the folks we know."
"Yeah," Simon said slowly. "Like
half the veterans and all the Italians."
Shiv frowned. "You mean, because
she put a spotlight on me, she might
make trouble for someone else?"
"Yes, but that's not all that I was
thinking of," Tolli said. "If a woman
doesn't respect a skittish person,
then how well do you think she
would handle a skittish horse?"
"Not very well," Simon said grimly.
"I know Vantha doesn't take in
rescue horses like ours, but she
runs the shows, and other folks
do have sensitive mounts."
Shiv had already seen one
of the rescue horses go apeshit
because of a helicopter overhead.
He could just imagine what might
go wrong with Vantha at a show.
Still, Tolli and Simon weren't
behaving anything like he
had expected either, and that
itched at him -- it wasn't good
when he couldn't predict people.
"You're not mad at me because
I didn't like the spotlight?" Shiv said.
"Of course not," said Simon. "You
had no obligation to perform."
"Not everyone likes being
the center of attention, Shiv,
and that's fine," said Tolli.
"You don't have to do that."
"Most folks just drag me to
parties, and then blame me
when it goes wrong -- which
it always does, because I
fuckin' hate parties," Shiv said.
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Tolli.
"You deserve better. We'll take
steps to avoid repeating this."
That'd be nice, if it happened.
Shiv wouldn't get his hopes up.
"Do you have any ideas for
preventing it from happening
again, other than us taking
more care with communication?"
Simon said. "Anything's helpful."
"Stay the fuck home," Shiv said.
"I don't even like people much."
"Hard to blame you, given
your experiences," Tolli said.
"I dunno why people keep trying
to make me something I'm not,"
Shiv grumbled. "I never can make
them happy, no matter what I do."
"That's their problem," Simon said.
"Some people don't know when
they've got a treasure, because it
doesn't look like what they expected."
"Shiv, you don't have to be anything
but yourself," said Tolli. "The secret
to life is to put yourself in the right lighting.
For some folks it’s a Broadway spotlight,
for others, a lamplit desk. It's all fine."
Shiv liked working at a desk, if he
was doing art or fine metalwork.
Doing paperwork, not so much.
"I just ... I dunno why you want
to waste time on me," he said.
"It's not a waste," said Simon.
"We choose to spend time with
you, because you're interesting."
"You see things," said Tolli.
"You keep quiet about them,
and you understand them."
"To be yourself in a world
that is constantly trying
to make you something else
is the greatest accomplishment,"
said Simon. "That's important."
Shiv shuffled in his seat. "Even
if I don't like parties?" he said.
"Even if," Tolli said. "Have
all your party experiences
been like that one, though?"
"Pretty much," Shiv said.
"Well, usually worse. I heard
some horse talk, even though
I didn't join in, and there's not
often anything I care about.
Folks typically get madder
when I blow my stack, too."
"All right, so personal interest
is a less-worse thing," said Tolli.
"You might also consider trying
an introvert party sometime."
Shiv frowned. "Uh ... what's
a invert party?" he wondered.
"An introvert party is three people
sprawled on couches and pillows,
reading and occasionally talking,"
Tolli said. "Finn parties always
have somewhere like that."
"Yeah, otherwise Aida would
start punching folks," said Simon.
"She's no more of a people person
than you are, Shiv, she's just had
better opportunities to learn how
to handle that in social contexts."
"Does it work?" Shiv said,
curious in spite of himself.
"Most of the time," said Tolli.
"It's not ... perfect, considering
what happened this summer."
"At least she's not biting
people anymore," Simon said.
"Aida really bit people?" Shiv said,
perking up. "Did she get in trouble?"
"She was very young then, and
we helped her find other ways
to tell us that someone was
bothering her or she needed
alone time," Tolli explained.
Shiv sighed. He wished
people would leave him
alone, but they never did.
Well. He cast a glance at
Simon and Tolli. Maybe
some people would, now.
"If I had to go to a party,
I guess the introvert kind
might suck less," Shiv said.
"Now that gives me an idea,"
Simon said. "Why don't we
visit the Introvert Store? I bet
that you could find yourself
a nice concrete apology there."
"Introvert Store?" Shiv said.
"What kind of stuff does it have?"
"All kinds of things for solo fun,"
said Tolli. "Arts and crafts, books,
music, self-care supplies, candy
and spices, games, puzzles, toys,
fidgets, soft pillows and blankets,
houseplants, computer programs,
clothes with introvert slogans ..."
"Wow," Shiv said softly. "That
sounds like a cool store. Maybe
a bit much for me, though."
"They have a website,"
Simon said, and then
passed Shiv his phone
like he actually trusted
Shiv not to break it.
The screen showed
a soothing blue menu
with categories of items.
Carefully, hardly daring
to touch it, Shiv peeked at
some of the product pages.
There was so much art stuff!
The bedding made him want
to burrow into it and never
come out. The fidgets made
his fingers itch to touch them.
Puzzling out the slogans on
the clothes made him laugh,
because almost all of those
sounded exactly like him.
Maybe he could buy things
from here the next time Dymin
got on him about budgeting.
The van stopped, startling
Shiv out of his browsing.
"Why'd we stop?" he said.
"We're home," Tolli said,
moving to help Simon set up
his wheelchair. "Hop out."
Shiv got out and handed
the phone back to Simon.
"Thanks," he said. "I really
like the stuff in that store."
"I'm happy to hear that,"
said Simon. "Pick out
a few things you want
and we'll get them as
our concrete apology."
Shiv thought about that.
He had to admit that he
liked the concrete apologies
that Dr. G had led him through.
"Yeah, maybe," he said. "I'll
think about it, see if I find
anything I can't live without."
"That's a plan," Tolli said as
they went into the house. "So,
do you know why you don't like
people much? Certain folks
rub you the wrong way, or is
it really just people in general?"
"My alone feels so good," Shiv said,
"I only want company if it's better
than that, and not many folks are."
"What about us?" Tolli said softly.
"Do we feel better than solitude,
or would you rather be by yourself?"
Shiv thought about how Tolli and
Simon had jumped to his defense
without hesitation, without thinking
about whether it might piss off people
they'd have to deal with in the future.
They had gotten him out of that
henpecking hellhole of a party and
brought him home to a quiet house.
Quiet, but not empty -- a house
filled with warm companionship
that he wasn't used to but was
quickly coming to appreciate.
"Yeah," Shiv said, daring to lean
against Tolli. "You're way better."
A big, warm hand ghosted
over his back for a moment.
"That's good," Tolli said.
So maybe Shiv didn't
hate everyone after all.
Maybe it was just about
finding the right people ...
and the right lighting.
He could live with that.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes will appear separately.
see_also_friend and arthur_p_dent. It also fills the "Introvert / solitary person ends up in the spotlight" square in my 6-1-23 card for the Kinky and Unusual Situations Bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by a pool with fuzzyred. It belongs to the Shiv thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.Warning: This poem contains intense and controversial topics. Highlight to read the more detailed warnings, some of which are spoilers. It includes disturbing mental terrain, because the inside of Shiv's head is always a warning, miscommunication, trauma responses. aversion to parties, dislike of attention, and crowds, pressure to socialize, young boys being bothersome, rude language, hostess putting a spotlight on someone without consent, bolting out of a room, awkward conversations, poor self-image, references to past abuse, emotional upheaval, and other challenges. If these are sensitive issues for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"Put Yourself in the Right Lighting"
Shiv was curled up on the couch
looking through a horse magazine,
which he liked because it had
lots of big, pretty pictures and
the words weren't too hard.
Then Tolli came in and said,
"Shiv, there's a party tonight
that we'd like to attend with
some other horse folks nearby.
If you want to join us, you've
got an hour to get ready."
Shiv ducked his chin. He
knew that "if you want" really
meant "get ready or else."
"I'll go wash up now,"
he said as he dropped
the magazine on the couch.
Shiv hustled through a shower
and then checked his clothes.
For a visit this short, he hadn't
brought much, but Tolli and Simon
had gotten him a few new things.
There was a light blue denim jacket,
a white T-shirt with blue and rust stripes,
a rust button-up shirt, gray denim jeans,
and gray sneakers with rust and white trim.
Shiv had worried about melting down again
in the store like he had in the clothing bank,
but Tolli had just shown him how to make
an outfit that'd mix and match a bit.
Now he didn't have to think about
what went together; he just grabbed
the jacket, T-shirt, jeans, and shoes.
He'd be easy to overlook wearing
jeans and a T-shirt, because lots
of folks dressed like that, but he
looked decent enough to go out.
Shiv wondered how far he would
get through the party this time
before the shit hit the fan.
It always did sooner or later,
which is why he hated parties.
Nobody ever cared that he
didn't like being the center of
attention or squeezing through
a crowd of people he didn't know.
They just demanded that he talk
to them, but then they never
liked what he had to say.
50 "Ready to go," Shiv said as
he thumped down the stairs.
"You look nice," Simon said
with a warm smile of approval.
Shiv didn't really know what
to say about that, so he ducked
his head without saying anything.
He had to admit the drive was pretty,
though, rolling hills of green and gold fields
patched with deeper green forests and
cut through with creeks and ponds.
The farm itself was beautiful, with
a warm ivory house and garage
rising up from the pastures
dotted with cantering horses.
He caught the aquamarine gleam
of a swimming pool nestled amidst
the mounds of landscaped flowers.
The gravel driveway widened
into a sort of parking lot that was
mostly full of cars and pickup trucks.
Not exactly a promising sign.
"Don't worry too much about
the crowd," Tolli said. "The house
is huge and there's plenty of yard
for people to spread out in."
"Yeah, it's big," Shiv said.
Couldn't go wrong by agreeing.
He followed Simon up the ramp
to the big wooden deck, then
into the long family room
with its fancy glass doors.
Even spread out, there
were way too many people
for his comfort, as usual.
Simon tried introducing Shiv
to people, but the names just
went in one ear and out the other.
All that soaked in was that
half the folks running around
were one big sprawling family,
some hotshot horse people.
Vantha was the most annoying,
since it was her house and
she seemed determined to do
the "hostess" thing, pestering
Shiv to talk with a bunch of
people he didn't know and
didn't even want to meet.
"This is my daughter Nancy,
and she's about your age,"
Vantha tried again. "Nancy,
this is Shiv, who came here
with Tolli and Simon today."
"Hi, Shiv," Nancy said brightly.
"I like reading Easterns and
Westerns, what about you?"
"Never read if I can help it,"
Shiv muttered, eeling away
from them quick as he could.
"They have a music room
in back," Tolli pointed out.
Shiv checked it out. It had
a shiny black piano and
a whole case of guitars.
It was also crowded, it
had only one door, and
nobody was playing.
No way was he going
to touch anything himself.
Shiv drifted back out and
found a defensible position
tucked in a corner behind
the chair and the couch.
Fans whirred overhead,
keeping the place cool-ish,
their lights bathing everything
with a warm buttery glow.
Tolli and Simon were in
the bar just past the column,
close enough to see but not
hovering over him the way
that people usually did.
Along one wall went a row
of exercise equipment. Shiv
ran mental fingers across
the free weights and smirked.
If anyone messed with him,
he was more than prepared
to rise to that challenge.
There were people talking
about horses, which was
vaguely interesting, but
he didn't want to horn in.
It was better to stay out of
the way as long as he could.
Shiv spied an assortment of
blacksmith puzzles sitting
on one of the end tables.
They looked like the kind
that Tolli made in his forge;
in fact, they probably were his.
Shiv checked for a maker's mark,
and sure enough, found Tolli's.
First he sorted them by difficulty,
perching on the padded corner
of the couch back so he could
jump up quickly if necessary.
He picked up the easiest one
and deftly took it apart, then
put it back together again.
He solved the next one,
and the one after that.
"You like the puzzles?"
said a boy who looked
a few years younger than
Shiv. "I'm Randall Cobb if
you missed the introductions;
my aunt runs this place."
"I came with Tolli and
Simon," Shiv said instead
of naming a relationship
he wasn't sure of anyhow.
"Tolli makes these things."
"Yeah, he's really great at it,"
said Randall. More boys,
younger, drifted after him.
"You're good at solving."
"Bet I could do that,"
one of the boys said.
"Be nice, Mauris, he's
a guest," said Randall.
"Knock yourself out,"
Shiv said, and tossed
the puzzle to Mauris.
Of course, the other boy
didn't have a chance of
solving it, since Shiv had
tweaked it juuust enough
to make that impossible.
Mauris twisted and turned
the puzzle pieces, swearing
at them under his breath.
"You're not supposed to say
that," whispered another boy.
"Bite me, Geffery," said Mauris.
"Let me try," said the smallest.
"I've already solved that one."
"I think it's broken, Lewes,"
said Mauris. "Here, have it."
As Mauris surrendered the puzzle,
Shiv untweaked it so that Lewes
could get the target piece off.
"Oh, well, anyone could do that,"
Mauris said, pretending disdain.
"It's not that big of a deal."
"Uh huh," Shiv said, evading
his grab for the puzzle. With
a quick flick of his superpower,
he disconnected the parts.
"Coooool," said Randall.
Shiv didn't often show off
his ability in the open, and
especially in front of naries
who weren't gangsters, but
Randall seemed smooth with it.
Metal clinked quietly as Shiv
lifted the puzzle with his power,
turning it carefully in the air as
the pieces went back together.
By now, several girls had come
to watch, lining up behind the boys
but not interrupting the performance.
"That is so awesome," said Randall.
"Would you do another, please?"
He offered the next puzzle in line.
"Sure," said Shiv. This one was
the first of the advanced puzzles,
and required multiple steps to solve.
He had just completed the first when
suddenly a spotlight spilled over him.
"Our guest has a knack --" Vantha began.
Instantly Shiv rolled off the back of the couch,
dodged around the big square column, and
then vaulted over the exercise equipment
that blocked his path to the double doors.
He animated the free weights to push
people out of his way, who squawked
like a flock of flustered chickens.
Behind him, Simon was roaring
something at the awful hostess.
Once outside, Shiv pressed
his back to the wall and waited,
panting, listening for pursuit.
Sure enough, Tolli followed
hot on his heels, with Simon
barely a breath behind him.
"Are you all right?" Tolli said.
"Are you injured?" Simon asked.
"No, I just didn't volunteer to be
her fuckin' floor show," Shiv snarled.
"Why does everyone force introverts to be
talkative and leave their comfort zone, but
no one forces the extroverts to shut up,
even for a minute, to make the zone
comfortable?" someone drawled.
Startled, Shiv whirled to see
someone else leaning lazily
against the wall of the house.
She wore khaki pants with
a matching plaid shirt thrown
over the top, but underneath
was a teal T-shirt with text.
It took Shiv a moment
to piece together what he
could see of the words to get,
I might look like I'm listening
to you, but in my head
I'm riding my horse.
He snorted a laugh.
It reminded him of
some cat shirts he had.
"Because Vantha's a cunt?"
Shiv said, curling his lip.
"I don't like her either,"
the girl said. "Was fun
seeing someone else
put her nose out of joint.
I'm Britt, by the way."
"Shiv," he said. "If you
don't like her, then why
did you even come to
the crappy party?"
Britt just shrugged.
"Cause Vantha runs
the horse shows in
this area," she said.
"I like the horses
better'n her, though."
"Hell, who wouldn't,"
Shiv muttered.
"I'm sorry that this
didn't go as well as I
had hoped," Tolli said.
"What would help?"
"Not being here,"
Shiv snapped.
"Okay," Tolli said.
"We can get around
to the van from here,
without going inside."
"I'll let folks know that
we're heading out now,"
Simon said as he turned
back toward the door.
"Wait, just like that?"
Shiv said, baffled.
"You said that leaving
would help, and what
Vantha did was rude, so
we're going," said Tolli.
"Okay," Shiv said, following
Tolli back to the van. He
knew better than to look
a gift horse in the mouth.
It didn't take long for Simon
to meet them at the van.
As they pulled out of
the driveway, Shiv
pressed his cheek
against the cool glass
of the window, trying
and failing to calm down.
"Well, that could have
gone better," Simon said.
Shiv snorted. "Not like it
could've gone much worse."
"Nobody's bleeding and
nothing is on fire, so yes, it
could've gone a lot worse,"
Tolli said. "Still, I'm sorry
you had such a rough time."
"That always happens at
parties," Shiv said, shrugging.
"I'm surprised you agreed to come,
if that's your experience," said Tolli.
"Not like I had a choice," Shiv said.
Simon and Tolli shared a look.
"We fucked up," Simon said.
"Shiv, I invited you, but you could've
declined," said Tolli. "Then we'd talk
about what to do -- whether you wanted
to stay home alone, or with one of us,
or scrap the whole party idea and
do something else with the day."
"Wait, what?" Shiv said, confused.
"You mean, when you asked if
I wanted to join, you actually
meant that? I could've just
stayed home and skipped it?"
"Of course," said Tolli. "I'm
sorry I didn't make that clear."
"Nobody ever ..." Shiv said,
then tried a different approach.
"Where I come from, 'if you want'
meant 'do it or else' so I didn't
realize you meant it different."
"Finns take some getting used to,"
said Simon. "We will try to be
more careful in the future. For
now, do you have any idea
what you'd like for a forfeit?"
"What?" Shiv said, confused
all over again. "What forfeit?"
"For the miscommunication
and miserable trip," said Tolli.
"You pick something to make up
for the mistake we made, that
would help you feel better."
Shiv fingered the hem of
his T-shirt. The last thing
he needed was them wasting
more money on him, especially
after he wrecked the outing.
"Don't need nothin' more,
just glad to get outta there,"
he said as he hunched into
the shelter of his jean jacket.
"Maybe we can think of
something later," Tolli said.
"That'll do," Simon said.
"There are plenty of options."
Shiv didn't care as long as they
left him out of it, whatever it was.
"I'm not happy with Vantha,"
said Tolli. "That stunt wasn't
just mean, it could be dangerous
with some of the folks we know."
"Yeah," Simon said slowly. "Like
half the veterans and all the Italians."
Shiv frowned. "You mean, because
she put a spotlight on me, she might
make trouble for someone else?"
"Yes, but that's not all that I was
thinking of," Tolli said. "If a woman
doesn't respect a skittish person,
then how well do you think she
would handle a skittish horse?"
"Not very well," Simon said grimly.
"I know Vantha doesn't take in
rescue horses like ours, but she
runs the shows, and other folks
do have sensitive mounts."
Shiv had already seen one
of the rescue horses go apeshit
because of a helicopter overhead.
He could just imagine what might
go wrong with Vantha at a show.
Still, Tolli and Simon weren't
behaving anything like he
had expected either, and that
itched at him -- it wasn't good
when he couldn't predict people.
"You're not mad at me because
I didn't like the spotlight?" Shiv said.
"Of course not," said Simon. "You
had no obligation to perform."
"Not everyone likes being
the center of attention, Shiv,
and that's fine," said Tolli.
"You don't have to do that."
"Most folks just drag me to
parties, and then blame me
when it goes wrong -- which
it always does, because I
fuckin' hate parties," Shiv said.
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Tolli.
"You deserve better. We'll take
steps to avoid repeating this."
That'd be nice, if it happened.
Shiv wouldn't get his hopes up.
"Do you have any ideas for
preventing it from happening
again, other than us taking
more care with communication?"
Simon said. "Anything's helpful."
"Stay the fuck home," Shiv said.
"I don't even like people much."
"Hard to blame you, given
your experiences," Tolli said.
"I dunno why people keep trying
to make me something I'm not,"
Shiv grumbled. "I never can make
them happy, no matter what I do."
"That's their problem," Simon said.
"Some people don't know when
they've got a treasure, because it
doesn't look like what they expected."
"Shiv, you don't have to be anything
but yourself," said Tolli. "The secret
to life is to put yourself in the right lighting.
For some folks it’s a Broadway spotlight,
for others, a lamplit desk. It's all fine."
Shiv liked working at a desk, if he
was doing art or fine metalwork.
Doing paperwork, not so much.
"I just ... I dunno why you want
to waste time on me," he said.
"It's not a waste," said Simon.
"We choose to spend time with
you, because you're interesting."
"You see things," said Tolli.
"You keep quiet about them,
and you understand them."
"To be yourself in a world
that is constantly trying
to make you something else
is the greatest accomplishment,"
said Simon. "That's important."
Shiv shuffled in his seat. "Even
if I don't like parties?" he said.
"Even if," Tolli said. "Have
all your party experiences
been like that one, though?"
"Pretty much," Shiv said.
"Well, usually worse. I heard
some horse talk, even though
I didn't join in, and there's not
often anything I care about.
Folks typically get madder
when I blow my stack, too."
"All right, so personal interest
is a less-worse thing," said Tolli.
"You might also consider trying
an introvert party sometime."
Shiv frowned. "Uh ... what's
a invert party?" he wondered.
"An introvert party is three people
sprawled on couches and pillows,
reading and occasionally talking,"
Tolli said. "Finn parties always
have somewhere like that."
"Yeah, otherwise Aida would
start punching folks," said Simon.
"She's no more of a people person
than you are, Shiv, she's just had
better opportunities to learn how
to handle that in social contexts."
"Does it work?" Shiv said,
curious in spite of himself.
"Most of the time," said Tolli.
"It's not ... perfect, considering
what happened this summer."
"At least she's not biting
people anymore," Simon said.
"Aida really bit people?" Shiv said,
perking up. "Did she get in trouble?"
"She was very young then, and
we helped her find other ways
to tell us that someone was
bothering her or she needed
alone time," Tolli explained.
Shiv sighed. He wished
people would leave him
alone, but they never did.
Well. He cast a glance at
Simon and Tolli. Maybe
some people would, now.
"If I had to go to a party,
I guess the introvert kind
might suck less," Shiv said.
"Now that gives me an idea,"
Simon said. "Why don't we
visit the Introvert Store? I bet
that you could find yourself
a nice concrete apology there."
"Introvert Store?" Shiv said.
"What kind of stuff does it have?"
"All kinds of things for solo fun,"
said Tolli. "Arts and crafts, books,
music, self-care supplies, candy
and spices, games, puzzles, toys,
fidgets, soft pillows and blankets,
houseplants, computer programs,
clothes with introvert slogans ..."
"Wow," Shiv said softly. "That
sounds like a cool store. Maybe
a bit much for me, though."
"They have a website,"
Simon said, and then
passed Shiv his phone
like he actually trusted
Shiv not to break it.
The screen showed
a soothing blue menu
with categories of items.
Carefully, hardly daring
to touch it, Shiv peeked at
some of the product pages.
There was so much art stuff!
The bedding made him want
to burrow into it and never
come out. The fidgets made
his fingers itch to touch them.
Puzzling out the slogans on
the clothes made him laugh,
because almost all of those
sounded exactly like him.
Maybe he could buy things
from here the next time Dymin
got on him about budgeting.
The van stopped, startling
Shiv out of his browsing.
"Why'd we stop?" he said.
"We're home," Tolli said,
moving to help Simon set up
his wheelchair. "Hop out."
Shiv got out and handed
the phone back to Simon.
"Thanks," he said. "I really
like the stuff in that store."
"I'm happy to hear that,"
said Simon. "Pick out
a few things you want
and we'll get them as
our concrete apology."
Shiv thought about that.
He had to admit that he
liked the concrete apologies
that Dr. G had led him through.
"Yeah, maybe," he said. "I'll
think about it, see if I find
anything I can't live without."
"That's a plan," Tolli said as
they went into the house. "So,
do you know why you don't like
people much? Certain folks
rub you the wrong way, or is
it really just people in general?"
"My alone feels so good," Shiv said,
"I only want company if it's better
than that, and not many folks are."
"What about us?" Tolli said softly.
"Do we feel better than solitude,
or would you rather be by yourself?"
Shiv thought about how Tolli and
Simon had jumped to his defense
without hesitation, without thinking
about whether it might piss off people
they'd have to deal with in the future.
They had gotten him out of that
henpecking hellhole of a party and
brought him home to a quiet house.
Quiet, but not empty -- a house
filled with warm companionship
that he wasn't used to but was
quickly coming to appreciate.
"Yeah," Shiv said, daring to lean
against Tolli. "You're way better."
A big, warm hand ghosted
over his back for a moment.
"That's good," Tolli said.
So maybe Shiv didn't
hate everyone after all.
Maybe it was just about
finding the right people ...
and the right lighting.
He could live with that.
* * *
Notes:
This poem is long, so its character, setting, and content notes will appear separately.
