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ysabetwordsmithThese are the notes from "Their Need for Our Disciplinary Assistance."
"Good discipline requires time. When we have no time to give our children, or no time that we are willing to give, we don't even observe them closely enough to become aware of when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed subtly."
— M Scott Peck
"I'm not immune to disciplinary problems and it's up to me to make strong choices. It's my responsibility."
-- Didier Deschamps
Self-control is an essential life skill. This is especially true for people in power, because gentleness is controlled strength. Self-control is a complex skill but has many benefits. You can build self-control in various ways such as these exercises. Know how to teach it to children.
Discipline is essential to society, but gets challenging when the subordinate is also a friend. (Technically, Leo isn't a subordinate of Boss Finn, but his rank is lower than hers and there are circumstantial factors that make him act that way in this context.) Here are tips for handling employee discipline.
A basic principle of positive discipline is that "discipline teaches, punishment hurts." Punishment has a lot of drawbacks. Discipline adapts to age, and includes more options, such as natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence of hurting someone is that you tend to feel bad about it; a logical consequence is doing extra work to figure out what you could have done better so it doesn't happen again.
I'm not sure exactly when the Ebonies & Ivories started calling her "Boss Finn," but an early example appears in "Parts You Didn't Know You Had."
Failure analysis is the process of figuring out what went wrong. Learn how to do it methodically. The engineering approach to problem-solving applies to much more than engineering.
(Some of these links are uncomfortable.)
Difficult decisions and ethical dilemmas can be very challenging to resolve. Consider different ethical frameworks. There are tips for making hard choices.
Morality depends on complex factors. There are many models of moral development, and it is inherently a messy topic. Moral values and actions exist on a spectrum, which can be mapped. You can also examine different pillars of morality. Games may use a 3x3 or 5x5 alignment chart. to compare different characters. Here is an explanation of the 3x3 model, which uses good-evil, lawful-chaotic, and neutral. One alternative to alignment is a moral code based on multiple criteria. Here is a class exercise on exploring the moral spectrum.
A moral compass is an inner sense that guides ethical decisions and influences other people. As a superpower, it can provide resistance to mind control or other outside influences, and conversely exert more direct influence over others. While people worry that superpowers would make everyone evil, that's not what happens. Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals. Understand how to calibrate your moral compass and how to teach moral behavior to others.
(These links are unpleasant.)
Nightmares often follow an upsetting event. Parental nightmares are terrifying but common, and in Terramagne they can be whole orders of magnitude worse due to the existence of superpowers. Elisabeth knows that she's in for weeks of restless sleep after this incident, which just embodied a nightmare that she's had for years. Learn how to cope with nightmares and stop having them. Talking with someone often helps. Instructions for comforting children after a nightmare generalize pretty well to adults.
(Some of these links are ghastly.)
Medical neutrality is a complex principle intended to protect the free access and practice of health care. It means that health workers are considered nonpartisans in conflicts and are not to be harmed. In return for this safety, they are obligated to care for all casualties regardless of affiliation. Take a look at some of the dilemmas. Terramagne does much better at respecting this than local-Earth does, even among supervillains. Violations tend to meet with sharp criticism and prompt pushback, in some cases fragging the offender.
The Italian Mafia goes back to Sicily, which has been occupied by many foreign invaders. The Mob evolved to protect the locals and their relatives, hence its strong focus on Family. Terramagne has stuck closer to this origin than here, but it still varies.
(These links are controversial.)
Superpowers can greatly complicate ethics. Ideally, superheroes serve as role models. Sometimes, though, so-called "superheroes" basically act like supervillains. Conversely, some supervillains have good intentions, though not good methods. Consider the influence that superpowers can have on people who develop them. Now add the fact that something doesn't have to be a superpower per se, merely big advantage, to create a similar power imbalance. The questions of morality in superpowers immediately become relevant in that context, which is one that many more people encounter. Ask yourself what you would do if power -- any kind of power -- meant that you wouldn't get caught or punished.
(These links are tense.)
Ethics and loyalty can create conflicts. Understand how to resolve ethical dilemmas and handle conflicts of loyalty. In extreme cases, people may quit over ethical issues. Leo isn't willing to leave the Marionettes, but he doesn't want to lose the Finns either, and right now that really hurts.
(So are these.)
The problem of "just following orders" is damning, and known as a "crime of obedience." Orders do not make the unethical become ethical. However, it is crucial to consider the decider, because without influencing that person, no significant change can be made. Subordinates rarely have enough power to make major improvements, regardless of their beliefs or choices. So consider how the proportion of blame applies to giving and following orders, related to each person's authority. In order to prevent a recurrence, you must determine where in the chain of causality changes would be most effective. This plays into the complexity of leadership and followship. Think about how to identify and block unethical orders.
Leadership and followship consist of interlocking skills and balancing powers. In particular, a follower must know how to disagree with a leader, especially on ethics.
Discretion is an important virtue to develop as part of character. Think about whether to keep or reveal a secret before deciding. Understand that sometimes revealing information can really hurt people: consider examples like oversharing and outing. Know how to tell a secret or keep a secret.
(These links are distressing.)
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Trust building is an important part of growing up and forming relationships. Rebuilding trust is necessary for sustainable relationships, because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and you need ways of regaining trust in each other. It will take a lot of work to repair the relationship between Clan Finn and the Marionettes, between Shiv and society, and between medics and everyone else.
Diversity is a combination of different traits. It provides advantages in interpersonal and professional contexts. It also requires hard work. Learn about diversity skills. There are many ways to value and teach diversity with children too.
Cross-cultural differences come in all kinds. A number of these contribute to the current clusterfuck. The most important way to improve cross-cultural relations is to learn about other cultures.
(These links are harsh.)
Moral injury occurs when someone transgresses their own and/or society's expectations of decent behavior. Although often mentioned in regard to military service, it can happen in a wide range of areas. Sometimes spiritual communities can help with moral repair. Read about the clinical indications and mental treatment. There are actually two paths for recovery from moral injury: adjust your moral framework (if you have gained greater understanding that enlightens useful changes) or adjust your behavior (if you fell short of parameters you wish to keep). Leo faces a serious challenge to his moral and ethical standards. He has to decide whether he did the wrong thing, and should incorporate new perspectives as part of his own framework; or he did the right thing, and he prefers to keep his framework as it stands. This will help him answer the question of what he should do in future emergencies: how to manage relationships and whether to balk at immoral orders. I could not find instructions on self-care for healing moral injuries. However, the basics overlap strongly with advice for becoming a moral, ethical, or generally good person. It may help to develop a personal code of ethics, or if you already have one, revisit it and update if necessary.
It has to be okay to make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes and that's how we learn. Create an environment that is resilient about mistakes. This encourages people to deal with them and learn from them instead of hiding them and making matters worse. There's even a game for learning this. In one of my online classes I assigned students to try a project at the edge of their current skill level, which pretty much guarantees something will go a bit pear-shaped. In this case, Boss Finn is trying to figure out what went wrong and identify steps to prevent a recurrence, without blaming Leo for things outside his own responsibility.
(These links are distressing.)
Negative emotions such as guilt and/or shame are essential to mental health. Guilt prods people to respect social standards. Shame demands that people live up to their own standards. Leo now knows that he fucked up, so he feels horrible. Understand how to get over guilt and release shame. You can break the cycle of self-judgement and stop beating yourself up.
(So are these.)
Self-recrimination has positive (discouraging misbehavior) and negative (ruminating over past mistakes) aspects. Thus a certain amount may help, but too much does more harm than good. Self-compassion is necessary for health. Leo is not overly prone to excess, but a mistake that hurts someone will leave him kicking himself until the relationship can be repaired. Learn how to stop beating yourself up over mistakes and forgive yourself after hurting someone.
Later in the conversation, Elisabeth checks the time and calculates the difference from California to Italy.
San Francisco (USA - California) Thursday, February 4, 2016 at 9:00:00 pm PST
UTC-8 hours
Rome (Italy) Friday, February 5, 2016 at 6:00:00 am CET
UTC+1 hour
Corresponding UTC (GMT) Friday, February 5, 2016 at 05:00:00
Dominance theory influences human interactions. A key problem here is that Boss Finn is very dominant but not at all kinky. Leo is kinky, and he is a switch, having gone very submissive in the face of his mistakes and Boss Finn's wrath. But she doesn't know that about him, nor does she know much about kink, so she doesn't realize how much impact she has on him or that he shouldn't be alone in his current state. Leo is tough enough to keep his feet when his instincts are screaming at him to kneel, and stubborn enough to fake "fine" sufficiently to get thrown out the house instead of onto a couch. This is not good.
(These links are controversial and sometimes explicit.)
Kink and power exchange offer adventurous ways for people to explore their sensual selves. There can be, but isn't always, an erotic aspect to this. Read some tips for novice dominants and submissives. There are important parameters of ethics, safety, and responsibility to keep in mind.
(So are these.)
Submissive headspace is an altered state of consciousness. The shallow levels aren't too far from everyday consciousness, but the deeper ones go very far indeed. Subspace also comes in different flavors. Subdrop is an emotional crash that can follow a scene or other intense activity, especially if it ends badly. Proper aftercare looks after the submissive's needs. It helps to have a drop kit for this. In cases like Leo's, sometimes the tension can be released by having someone give clear simple orders to follow. There are generic instructions for emotional drop too.
Apologies need several parts to be effective. Things will inevitably go wrong between people, and you need to understand how to repair your relationships. Here is an example from the kink community. Follow the steps to earn back broken trust. To avoid a negative impact on business relationships, explain the situation and offer a concrete apology. However, understand that faking either an apology or forgiveness tends to make matters worse instead of better. Some people demand an apology even if obviously insincere, while others don't want to hear it unless it is genuine. In this case, both Boss Finn and Leo want to mend the relationship, but the mess is too big to fix quickly, which is a miserable situation for now. The most they can do is agree on first steps.
"Good discipline requires time. When we have no time to give our children, or no time that we are willing to give, we don't even observe them closely enough to become aware of when their need for our disciplinary assistance is expressed subtly."
— M Scott Peck
"I'm not immune to disciplinary problems and it's up to me to make strong choices. It's my responsibility."
-- Didier Deschamps
Self-control is an essential life skill. This is especially true for people in power, because gentleness is controlled strength. Self-control is a complex skill but has many benefits. You can build self-control in various ways such as these exercises. Know how to teach it to children.
Discipline is essential to society, but gets challenging when the subordinate is also a friend. (Technically, Leo isn't a subordinate of Boss Finn, but his rank is lower than hers and there are circumstantial factors that make him act that way in this context.) Here are tips for handling employee discipline.
A basic principle of positive discipline is that "discipline teaches, punishment hurts." Punishment has a lot of drawbacks. Discipline adapts to age, and includes more options, such as natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence of hurting someone is that you tend to feel bad about it; a logical consequence is doing extra work to figure out what you could have done better so it doesn't happen again.
I'm not sure exactly when the Ebonies & Ivories started calling her "Boss Finn," but an early example appears in "Parts You Didn't Know You Had."
Failure analysis is the process of figuring out what went wrong. Learn how to do it methodically. The engineering approach to problem-solving applies to much more than engineering.
(Some of these links are uncomfortable.)
Difficult decisions and ethical dilemmas can be very challenging to resolve. Consider different ethical frameworks. There are tips for making hard choices.
Morality depends on complex factors. There are many models of moral development, and it is inherently a messy topic. Moral values and actions exist on a spectrum, which can be mapped. You can also examine different pillars of morality. Games may use a 3x3 or 5x5 alignment chart. to compare different characters. Here is an explanation of the 3x3 model, which uses good-evil, lawful-chaotic, and neutral. One alternative to alignment is a moral code based on multiple criteria. Here is a class exercise on exploring the moral spectrum.
A moral compass is an inner sense that guides ethical decisions and influences other people. As a superpower, it can provide resistance to mind control or other outside influences, and conversely exert more direct influence over others. While people worry that superpowers would make everyone evil, that's not what happens. Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals. Understand how to calibrate your moral compass and how to teach moral behavior to others.
(These links are unpleasant.)
Nightmares often follow an upsetting event. Parental nightmares are terrifying but common, and in Terramagne they can be whole orders of magnitude worse due to the existence of superpowers. Elisabeth knows that she's in for weeks of restless sleep after this incident, which just embodied a nightmare that she's had for years. Learn how to cope with nightmares and stop having them. Talking with someone often helps. Instructions for comforting children after a nightmare generalize pretty well to adults.
(Some of these links are ghastly.)
Medical neutrality is a complex principle intended to protect the free access and practice of health care. It means that health workers are considered nonpartisans in conflicts and are not to be harmed. In return for this safety, they are obligated to care for all casualties regardless of affiliation. Take a look at some of the dilemmas. Terramagne does much better at respecting this than local-Earth does, even among supervillains. Violations tend to meet with sharp criticism and prompt pushback, in some cases fragging the offender.
The Italian Mafia goes back to Sicily, which has been occupied by many foreign invaders. The Mob evolved to protect the locals and their relatives, hence its strong focus on Family. Terramagne has stuck closer to this origin than here, but it still varies.
(These links are controversial.)
Superpowers can greatly complicate ethics. Ideally, superheroes serve as role models. Sometimes, though, so-called "superheroes" basically act like supervillains. Conversely, some supervillains have good intentions, though not good methods. Consider the influence that superpowers can have on people who develop them. Now add the fact that something doesn't have to be a superpower per se, merely big advantage, to create a similar power imbalance. The questions of morality in superpowers immediately become relevant in that context, which is one that many more people encounter. Ask yourself what you would do if power -- any kind of power -- meant that you wouldn't get caught or punished.
(These links are tense.)
Ethics and loyalty can create conflicts. Understand how to resolve ethical dilemmas and handle conflicts of loyalty. In extreme cases, people may quit over ethical issues. Leo isn't willing to leave the Marionettes, but he doesn't want to lose the Finns either, and right now that really hurts.
(So are these.)
The problem of "just following orders" is damning, and known as a "crime of obedience." Orders do not make the unethical become ethical. However, it is crucial to consider the decider, because without influencing that person, no significant change can be made. Subordinates rarely have enough power to make major improvements, regardless of their beliefs or choices. So consider how the proportion of blame applies to giving and following orders, related to each person's authority. In order to prevent a recurrence, you must determine where in the chain of causality changes would be most effective. This plays into the complexity of leadership and followship. Think about how to identify and block unethical orders.
Leadership and followship consist of interlocking skills and balancing powers. In particular, a follower must know how to disagree with a leader, especially on ethics.
Discretion is an important virtue to develop as part of character. Think about whether to keep or reveal a secret before deciding. Understand that sometimes revealing information can really hurt people: consider examples like oversharing and outing. Know how to tell a secret or keep a secret.
(These links are distressing.)
Betrayal is a disruption of trust which entails relational transgression and expectancy violation. Understand how to heal from betrayal.
Trust building is an important part of growing up and forming relationships. Rebuilding trust is necessary for sustainable relationships, because everyone makes mistakes sometimes and you need ways of regaining trust in each other. It will take a lot of work to repair the relationship between Clan Finn and the Marionettes, between Shiv and society, and between medics and everyone else.
Diversity is a combination of different traits. It provides advantages in interpersonal and professional contexts. It also requires hard work. Learn about diversity skills. There are many ways to value and teach diversity with children too.
Cross-cultural differences come in all kinds. A number of these contribute to the current clusterfuck. The most important way to improve cross-cultural relations is to learn about other cultures.
(These links are harsh.)
Moral injury occurs when someone transgresses their own and/or society's expectations of decent behavior. Although often mentioned in regard to military service, it can happen in a wide range of areas. Sometimes spiritual communities can help with moral repair. Read about the clinical indications and mental treatment. There are actually two paths for recovery from moral injury: adjust your moral framework (if you have gained greater understanding that enlightens useful changes) or adjust your behavior (if you fell short of parameters you wish to keep). Leo faces a serious challenge to his moral and ethical standards. He has to decide whether he did the wrong thing, and should incorporate new perspectives as part of his own framework; or he did the right thing, and he prefers to keep his framework as it stands. This will help him answer the question of what he should do in future emergencies: how to manage relationships and whether to balk at immoral orders. I could not find instructions on self-care for healing moral injuries. However, the basics overlap strongly with advice for becoming a moral, ethical, or generally good person. It may help to develop a personal code of ethics, or if you already have one, revisit it and update if necessary.
It has to be okay to make mistakes, because everyone makes mistakes and that's how we learn. Create an environment that is resilient about mistakes. This encourages people to deal with them and learn from them instead of hiding them and making matters worse. There's even a game for learning this. In one of my online classes I assigned students to try a project at the edge of their current skill level, which pretty much guarantees something will go a bit pear-shaped. In this case, Boss Finn is trying to figure out what went wrong and identify steps to prevent a recurrence, without blaming Leo for things outside his own responsibility.
(These links are distressing.)
Negative emotions such as guilt and/or shame are essential to mental health. Guilt prods people to respect social standards. Shame demands that people live up to their own standards. Leo now knows that he fucked up, so he feels horrible. Understand how to get over guilt and release shame. You can break the cycle of self-judgement and stop beating yourself up.
(So are these.)
Self-recrimination has positive (discouraging misbehavior) and negative (ruminating over past mistakes) aspects. Thus a certain amount may help, but too much does more harm than good. Self-compassion is necessary for health. Leo is not overly prone to excess, but a mistake that hurts someone will leave him kicking himself until the relationship can be repaired. Learn how to stop beating yourself up over mistakes and forgive yourself after hurting someone.
Later in the conversation, Elisabeth checks the time and calculates the difference from California to Italy.
San Francisco (USA - California) Thursday, February 4, 2016 at 9:00:00 pm PST
UTC-8 hours
Rome (Italy) Friday, February 5, 2016 at 6:00:00 am CET
UTC+1 hour
Corresponding UTC (GMT) Friday, February 5, 2016 at 05:00:00
Dominance theory influences human interactions. A key problem here is that Boss Finn is very dominant but not at all kinky. Leo is kinky, and he is a switch, having gone very submissive in the face of his mistakes and Boss Finn's wrath. But she doesn't know that about him, nor does she know much about kink, so she doesn't realize how much impact she has on him or that he shouldn't be alone in his current state. Leo is tough enough to keep his feet when his instincts are screaming at him to kneel, and stubborn enough to fake "fine" sufficiently to get thrown out the house instead of onto a couch. This is not good.
(These links are controversial and sometimes explicit.)
Kink and power exchange offer adventurous ways for people to explore their sensual selves. There can be, but isn't always, an erotic aspect to this. Read some tips for novice dominants and submissives. There are important parameters of ethics, safety, and responsibility to keep in mind.
(So are these.)
Submissive headspace is an altered state of consciousness. The shallow levels aren't too far from everyday consciousness, but the deeper ones go very far indeed. Subspace also comes in different flavors. Subdrop is an emotional crash that can follow a scene or other intense activity, especially if it ends badly. Proper aftercare looks after the submissive's needs. It helps to have a drop kit for this. In cases like Leo's, sometimes the tension can be released by having someone give clear simple orders to follow. There are generic instructions for emotional drop too.
Apologies need several parts to be effective. Things will inevitably go wrong between people, and you need to understand how to repair your relationships. Here is an example from the kink community. Follow the steps to earn back broken trust. To avoid a negative impact on business relationships, explain the situation and offer a concrete apology. However, understand that faking either an apology or forgiveness tends to make matters worse instead of better. Some people demand an apology even if obviously insincere, while others don't want to hear it unless it is genuine. In this case, both Boss Finn and Leo want to mend the relationship, but the mess is too big to fix quickly, which is a miserable situation for now. The most they can do is agree on first steps.
