A Clockwork Heart

[ysabetwordsmith]

Here is an awesome new metaphor for being transgender.  It also works pretty well for being queer, transracial, species dysphoric, polyamorous, or other situations where your innate nature clashes with other people's major expectations so badly that it does damage.

Comments

*sigh*

[ng_moonmoth]

(from the link)

>> you start rebuilding your box to fit <<

...which only works OK as long as the box that fits isn't upsetting in its own right. If even showing other people the box is enough to get them to stomp the box and the heart inside into a wreck without even opening it, the stress of having a box that fits is (sometimes much) greater than the stress of keeping a heart in a box it doesn't fit.

This is where I am right now. For pretty much all my life, I have been very reluctant to show my heart to anyone, keeping it inside a box it doesn't fit well, but thereby keeping it intact. That way it will serve as a model in a future time when I can help design and build a box it does fit into and won't prompt destruction by its very existence.

The world is changing. I now feel that I can explore box designs, trying to work out one that will be a less stressful fit for my heart and not be too dangerous to show. It's challenging, but if I can figure out how to do it right, the people I can show my heart to will be the ones who ask to see it.

Re: *sigh*

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>>...which only works OK as long as the box that fits isn't upsetting in its own right. If even showing other people the box is enough to get them to stomp the box and the heart inside into a wreck without even opening it, the stress of having a box that fits is (sometimes much) greater than the stress of keeping a heart in a box it doesn't fit.<<

This is true.

>>This is where I am right now. For pretty much all my life, I have been very reluctant to show my heart to anyone, keeping it inside a box it doesn't fit well, but thereby keeping it intact. That way it will serve as a model in a future time when I can help design and build a box it does fit into and won't prompt destruction by its very existence.<<

For me, I don't see any value in trying to reshape the box. I mean if it were just one thing and the process were easy, maybe. But it's everything. I mean people who get a look inside are all "What the fuck even IS that?" Well, most of it isn't even IN the box. The box just contains sort of a subset of parts. So yeah, I learned to keep it shut or preferably away from people who are shallow idiots. Because otherwise I scare them and they piss me off and then I wind up going "Nice little reality tunnel you have there, shame if anything were to happen to it" and that just gets unpleasant.

The fact that I don't feel compelled to reshape the box and it doesn't wreck my life doesn't mean they actually match. I'm a shapeshifter at heart. The fact that I'm morphlocked doesn't change that. It makes me flexible in some very unexpected places, is all.

>> The world is changing. I now feel that I can explore box designs, trying to work out one that will be a less stressful fit for my heart and not be too dangerous to show.<<

Yay for exploring designs!

>> It's challenging, but if I can figure out how to do it right, the people I can show my heart to will be the ones who ask to see it.<<

And I looked inside, and there was sky-iron and jewels of green and starfire.