A Cake Wrecks Correspondence

May. 26th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by john (the hubby of Jen)

"A Typical Day Of John Checking E-Mail"

Dear [REDACTED],

Thank you for choosing Cake Wrecks for such an important occasion! I'd be delighted to offer you a quote, but first let me show you a few of our most popular Sesame Street cakes, so you can pick out your favorite.

(Please note that for copyright reasons we can't actually call these Sesame Street characters, but I'm sure our versions will look VERY familiar. ;))

"Huge Bird"

"Oreo Monster"

"Trash Head"
aka "Mr. Can-'Do"

And "Petrified Elro"

Or for a little extra, you can get all four characters together!

[plastic faces not included]

 

We also have some new "Bieber-licious" character cookies your son is sure to love:

Prices vary depending on the cake's size, flavor, and age, so just let us know how many people you'd like to feed and how picky you are about "freshness." Delivery is free within a twenty mile radius, but keep in mind our delivery guy moonlights as a mobile pet groomer, so there's always a SLIGHT chance of pet hair - but really, that almost never happens. (Which reminds me: Billy gives our customers a 15% discount! Just FYI.)

Let me know which cake you'd prefer, and thanks again for choosing Cake Wrecks!

- john (the hubby of Jen)

 

***

 

 

Thanks to Todd T, Julie B., David & Debbie B., Jennifer G., Anony M., & Cynthia for actually making it through our contact page without thinking we make all these cakes ourselves.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

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Posted by Jen

We've all been there: six weeks of rigorous dieting, all ruined by the sugar-paste encrusted morsels at cousin Jill's wedding. But what is today's bride to do? Is it possible to have the wedding cake of your dreams while still showing consideration to your dieting guests?

Yes, it is!

Introducing the Cake Head Diet Aid!


That's right, folks, just place the professionally decorated Cake Head Diet Aid alongside your wedding cake. It's that easy! In addition to being a delicious red velvet groom's cake, the Cake Head Diet Aid will effectively dissuade all but your most ravenous and/or non-squeamish of guests from indulging in the gut-busting baked goods. Guaranteed!

Here's what our happy customers are saying about the Cake Head Diet Aid:

"The children ran screaming - no sugar buzzed hellions at the reception! Thank you, Cake Head Diet Aid!"

"Never have I wanted to eat cake less. Just the thought of your product has kept me up nights, and I've lost over 15 pounds!"

"When my husband said the wrong name at the altar, I was ready to kill him. Slicing into the Cake Head Diet Aid, however, helped me vent enough of that murderous rage to make it to the annulment. And the jam filling - oh, that was the best part!"

As a bonus, your Cake Head Diet Aid is completely customizable! From football helmets to sunglasses, iPod earbuds to nose rings, you can make your Cake Head Diet Aid the spitting image of your husband-to-be while incorporating his favorite hobbies!

So girls, be kind to your guest's waistlines while giving your guy his just desserts: order the Cake Head Diet Aid today!

 

Michelle D., I bet these work great at birthdays, too.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

The Cherry (Blossoms) On Top

May. 24th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

One of the hottest new trends in weddings today is the cherry blossom wedding cake:

(By Diane's Cakes and More)

 

This elegant design not only looks beautiful, but is a cinch to make, too! In fact, here are a few tips to ensure your own cherry blossom cake looks as gorgeous as this.

 

First, always make sure your icing is niiiice and smooth.

It helps if you lick your fingers first, so they slide smoothly over the icing.

 

Next, mold or pipe your branches to gracefully scale the tiers of your cake in a natural, realistic fashion.

I know it's hard to believe but, yes, that's really just icing.

 

Remember, the flowers are the most important part!

[Crickets chirping]

 

It's usually best to leave off a wedding topper for this style, but if you do choose to have one, make sure it's simple, understated, and elegant.

Note the baker's restraint. Not a single balloon animal!

 

And finally, when all else fails, remember:

You can always jam a stick in it and charge $200.

(Yes, this was someone's actual wedding cake.)

(And they paid for it.)

(With money.)

 

Leanne W., Danielle L., Moxie, Holly J., and Robert V. did you know you can make a forty dollar cake look like a 500 dollar cake with just some cookies and sprinkles? Just imagine what you could charge if you jammed a stick in it!

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

And from my other blog, Epbot:


Now THAT'S Putting A Face On Wreckage

May. 23rd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by john (the hubby of Jen)

Yesterday a couple of you posted this on the Cake Wrecks' Facebook page:

I'll give you a moment.

[whistling]

Now, I have no idea where it came from, but that's not gonna stop me from jumping on this hilariously traumatizing bandwagon!

 

Like this:

 

And this!

 

And my personal favorite:

"Boop-oop-aSWEET MOTHER OF HECK."

 

Now just one more, because laugh you must.
THERE IS NO TRY.

 

Thanks to Maya O., Amanda S., Crystal G., Kellie C., & Hannah G. for using the forks.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Tonight At The Lucky Stardust Lounge

May. 22nd, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"...to me."

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

 

[Leaning on piano]

"You... are... soooo beautiful..."

"...to meeee."

"The Goldmans, everyone! Fifty years today! Aren't they adorable?

 

"Can't you SEEE-EEE-EE?!?"

[sliding to front of stage on knees]

"You're... ev'ry-thing I HOPED for!"

[grimacing in pain]

"You're EVERYTHING I neeeeeeeeee..."

"...eeEEED!"

[winking at waitress]

 

"You... are... so beautiful..."

"Toooo... meeeeEEEEE."

 

Thank you, Nia C., Krystal C., Karen R., Julie R., Alison V., and Joshua P. Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you. Really. You're too much. Thank you. Tip your waitress!

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Story Time Sweets

May. 21st, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Sharyn

Once Upon a Time...

...in the Kingdom of Zuu,

(By Artisan Cake Company)

lived a helpful young owl his Mom had named Huu.

 

Huu danced with Petunia when she did ballet,

(By Dinky Doodle)

 

and untangled Sloth when bars got in the way.

(By Conjurer's Kitchen)

 

He always had time to tie Sally's red bows,

(By Planet Cake)

 

and if Hedgie asked, Huu would polish his nose.

(By Debbie Does Cakes)

 

When Flamingos ran errands, he'd stay with their chicks,

(By Mike's Amazing Cakes)

 

and he made sure that George ate the greens, not the sticks.

(By Planet Cake)

 

Huu'd help Raffi up when he fell in a heap,

(By Sprinkles Cakes)

 

and he sang lullabies, to help Flo go to sleep.

(By Little Cherry Cake Co. for Cake Bomb)

 

He prattled with penguins,

(By Janet MacPherson Cake Craft)

 

he combed all the llamas,

(By Viva la Cake)

 

he even helped meerkats put on clean pajamas.

(By Dootsy Dora)

And after all that, our Huu still wasn't through.

On Sunday, he shared all of his Sweets with you.

 

Happy Sunday!

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET A YEAR-FULL

May. 19th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

You're not going to believe this, minions, but Cake Wrecks is nine years old today.

I know, I know; and here we don't look a day over threeth.

 

Yes, against all odds, through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, Cake Wrecks has fought its way to becoming a veritable dinosaur in the online world.

A dino named Rex, of course.

 

We've survived national disasters, online controversies, three presidential elections, three book tours (or was it four?), economic downturns, Facebook's soul-crushing algorithm, and that time John accidentally banned Canada. We've spawned memes, tributes, fan wrecks, and Epcot bunkers. We've outlived most - if not all - of our contemporaries, watching in bemused horror while long-standing humor sites died, were bought-out, or were bought-out and then died.

We rejected our own offers, though, because I figure if Cake Wrecks ever goes down, it's going down with me.

And hopefully with less airbrushing.

 

So here John and I've sat, in our virtual rocking chairs, on our metaphorical front porch, making snarky comments about the allegorical hairstyles of today's whippersnapper websites - and wondering how we can ever hope to top the past nine years.

After a lot of thought, we came up with something.

We decided this year is going to be our best yet - for you AND for us.

 

So starting next week, we're going to be counting down the Top 312 Cake Wrecks Posts Of All Time. That's right, you'll see the greatest, most hysterical wreckage out of nine years and over 3,000 posts - and on Sundays, the most stunning Sweets.

Now, John's spent the last few weeks ranking and reviewing our entire archives, and let me tell you: I don't remember 80% of these posts, and I'm the one that wrote them. So this will be a wrecky romp down Foggy Memory lane, the Cliff's Notes of Cake Wrecks, the cream of the crop, the best of the best, and bring us screeching into our 10 year anniversary in sweet, wrecktastic style.

All your favorites. All our favorites. All year long.

Not sure what this means (Age gets attacked by Beauty wielding a chainsaw?) but it feels appropriate here.

 

And THAT is how we top 9 amazing years: By cramming all the highest highs together. By looking back and reliving every laugh-'til-we-pee moment. By saying "HOW did I never see THIS one?" because if *I* don't remember most of these, then you can bet your convoluted cupcake cakes (patooie!) that you won't, either.

John and I will still be here 6 days a week. We'll be active on Facebook, moderating your comments, and of course I'll still be sharing all our non-cake adventures over on Epbot. The only real difference is that, for the next 365 days, every single post you see on Cake Wrecks will be one of our best ever.

I hope you'll stick around. It's gonna be fun.

 

And thanks to Emily A., Valerie D., Danielle B., & Anony M. for the excellent wreckporting.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Bad Giraffe! BAAAAD!

May. 18th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

When your last name is Hammer, there's really just one way to nail a baby shower cake.

And that way...

 

...is NOT LIKE THIS.

Aw, crap.

 

Still, at least everyone can get a chuckle over sh*tty "hamer"s. Imagine being the only one at a baby shower to see something wrong with this cake topper - which, incidentally, ALSO involves nailing things:

o.0

Er, look, I realize my mind's in the gutter often enough to sprout legs and start scurrying, but seriously... HOW DID THE BAKER NOT SEE THIS?

Ahem.

 

Quick palate cleanser: look how pretty!

(By Sweet On You Cakes)

 

Aaaand back to reality:

Oh, BABY.

Almost makes you long for the days of hammer logs and randy giraffes, eh?

 

Thanks to Elizabeth H., Emily S., & Robin D. for the capital wreckage.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Confessions Of A Master Baker

May. 17th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Welcome to another installment of...

Confessions of a Master Baker!
"Ordinary bakers. Extraordinary feats of bad judgment."


[baker's silhouette speaking in disguised voice]
"I guess I got a bit carried away with the chocolate drizzle -- you know, it's always a bit of a crap shoot..."

"I made my mother-in-law deliver it."

 

[whispered] Confessions...

 

"...and then I found myself smashing a disco ball on top of it."

 

[small sob] "I figured the lights would blind anyone who got too close!"

 

[whispered] Revelations...

 

"They loved skiing. Nothing says 'skiing' like giant plastic pickles and shredded Parmesan, right?" [hiccups]

"I didn't realize how bad it was 'til the bride threw it at me."

 

[whispered] Disclosures...

 

"They said they wanted 'steampunk,' so I googled it. Gears, tentacles, balloons - I was all, 'Hey, I got this.'"

"And, boy, did I get it."

 

[sound of pages flipping]
Uh...
ah!
[whispering] Formal professions of guilt...

 

"So then I said, 'hey, you know what'd be cute? Camouflage butterflies."

"But the bride just didn't see it."

 

Next week... on Confessions of a Master Baker:

"So I figured, put the babies ON the carrots..."

[light behind figures fades to black]

 

Thanks to Jessica W., Michelle B., Melanie J., Stella P., & Natalie S. for the delicious divulgences.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Literally Helping

May. 16th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

Bakers, sometimes it helps to remember the 5 Ws:

Who:

 

What:

 

Er, let's try that again. What?

That's better.

 

When:

 

Where:

 

WHY GAWD WHY:

 

And then you can add an H, for "How?"

See how helpful that was?

Though next time we should probably talk about your coffee orders:

::sigh::

 

Thanks EXTRA Large to Lindsey M., Jessica Y., Palmerik, Sydney V., Anony M., Bil & Nadia, Frederick, and Adrian J.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Underwhelmingly Bad Wedding Cakes

May. 15th, 2017 01:00 pm
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Posted by Jen

You ever see a cake and have one of those reactions like: "Ooooh, that's not good. I mean, it could be worse, I guess, but still, really not good. What was it for? ... A wedding?! OH THAT POOR BRIDE."

That's today's cakes.

 

They're all a bit sad...

 

A bit lumpy-bumpy...

 

A bit, "Oh. OH. Um, how... nice?"

 

When your wedding's "cupcake tower" looks like something you made during the slumber party for your 14th birthday:

 

Or when there's more wire in your wedding cake than the average 14-year-old's braces:

o.0

 

You know how in movies when the bad guy lets loose with a machine gun on a wall somewhere, leaving lines of bullet holes that the light shines through?

Imagine the gun shoots roses:

BAM.

(Yes, I know otherwise it's fine. JUST LET ME HAVE THIS.)

 

And finally, whatever you do, don't think about stretched skin.

Or parsley.

STOP IT.

 

Thanks to Carrie B., Deanna H., Jimena, Dawn D., Shannon, Britton E., Helen, & Pat J. for lifting our saggy, saggy spirits.

*****

Thank you for using our Amazon links to shop! USA, UK, Canada.

Sunday Sweets for Wonder Women

May. 14th, 2017 01:01 pm
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Posted by Jen

Happy Mother's Day, cake fans!

And since we all know Mom is a superhero in disguise, CLEARLY we should celebrate with some Wonder Woman cakes:

(By California Cake Ldy)

 

After all, bullet-proof tiaras never go out of style, and I bet the Lasso of Truth would come in real handy during long car rides.

(By Sweet-Tooth's Cakes And Cupcakes)

 

With moms being the ultimate multi-taskers, it makes sense she'd juggle three superhero jobs:

(By Smash Cakery)

Leaping tall buildings in a single bound... while balancing the checkbook... plus she brought snacks.

 

Of course, there's always that one mom:

(By Cake Creations Perth)

...who looks way too good in black leather. Mrowr. (So not fair.)

 

Or there's the strong silent type who doesn't take any of your nonsense:

(By Tieni Mistretta)

 

Or the one who's just all-around super:

(By De Un Becado)

 

Right, now back to Wonder Woman.

(By 21 Cake Lane)

Because SO PRETTY.

 

In fact, here comes the most gorgeous doll cake I think I've ever seen:

(By Koalipops)

That skirt! The stars! Truly wonderful.

 

Well, whatever you call her, gang, I think we can all agree: Moms are definitely the bomb.

(By Bettie Rocker Cakes)

So if you can, go hug a mom today - and remind her what a superhero she really is.

 

(P.S. I love you, Mom! Thanks for showing me what courage, humor, and strength truly is.)

*****

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