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ysabetwordsmithThis story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," and "Birthday Girl."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Nick Fury.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mind control. Inferences of past child abuse and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: A mission in Russia introduces the Avengers to the Winter Soldier. Steve wants Bucky back and will stop at nothing to make that happen. Everyone else helps however they can.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. BAMF!Avengers. Bucky!whump. Vulgar language. Drama. Rescue. Hurt/Comfort. Emotional whump. Survivor guilt. Friendship. Confusion. Mind control. Memory loss. Slow recovery. Nick Fury makes stupid-ass decisions. Fear of loss. Arc reactor. Fluff. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Tony Stark has a heart. Games. Trust issues. Safety and security. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Obadiah Stane's A+ parenting. Brian Banner's A+ parenting. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Sleep issues. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Personal growth. Family of choice. ALL THE FEELS. #coulsonlives. Competency.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38, Part 39, Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45, Part 46, Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53, Part 54, Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60, Part 61, Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68, Part 69, Part 70, Part 71. Skip to Part 74, Part 75, Part 76.
"No Winter Lasts Forever" Part 72
Bucky showed up to the first game night a little late, and more than a little self-conscious. He still wore the ratty gray pajamas that he'd picked up from a thrift store with Bruce's help. Bucky and Phil had argued over that, until Steve finally intervened with a compromise: that Bucky could keep this set until they wore out, after which it would be Phil's turn to provide pajamas.
Everyone else was already there, much the same as they had assembled before finding Bucky on a mission. They watched quietly as he came in. After some further discussion with Phil, Bucky had been planning to play nine to Steve's ten. Phil saw that plan go out the window the moment Steve laid eyes on Bucky.
Steve turned to Phil. "I know I'm supposed to help with the others, but ..." he said, his voice cracking. "I want, can I ... please, just this once, just for a little while ..."
"You can do whatever you need," Phil reminded him gently. "Bucky?"
"Yeah, sure," Bucky said. "C'mere, runt."
Steve ran to him, wrapping his arms around Bucky. The nickname was perhaps a little silly, since Steve was taller and wider now, but nobody cared. Steve slid slowly down Bucky's body to land on the floor at his feet. He was crying, quietly and happily, his face pressed against Bucky's legs.
He can't be more than six, Phil thought, if that. Most likely, Steve had focused on some shining memory of his early childhood with Bucky and used that for an anchor.
"Well, what are you waiting for, you ninny?" Tony said to Bucky. "Pick him up and carry him!"
Bucky gave Phil a questioning look. Phil nodded.
Then Bucky leaned down to scoop his left arm under Steve's legs, right arm coming around to support his back. It was awkward, because Steve was bigger than him. Bucky had the metal arm and an enhanced body of his own, though, so he made it work.
"Bring him here," Phil said, patting the couch.
Bucky settled onto the couch with Steve, who promptly crawled into his lap. This did not work nearly as well as it did when Bruce curled up on Steve. Bucky gave him a gentle push, saying, "Get off, Stevie, you're squashing me."
Steve sniffled as he moved away. "Sorry," he said.
"Oh, not with the puppy-dog eyes," Bucky said. "You don't have to leave, just don't put all your weight on me. Here, tuck your feet up and lie down." He maneuvered Steve into lying on the couch with his head in Bucky's lap. "Okay?"
"Yeah," Steve said softly.
Bucky reached down to stroke his fingers through Steve's hair. He paused, then ruffled against the grain, restoring it to the floppy mess they remembered from their childhood. Steve smiled against Bucky's leg.
Phil smiled too, following their train of thought from his own memories of Steve's first game night, when he'd mussed his own hair so that Phil could comb it flat again. They're good for each other, he thought. Steve really needs this, and he's helping Bucky to get a sense of game night.
"It's funny," Bucky murmured, "I've been calling you 'Stevie' off and on all week, just 'cause. But now I see you like this, it really makes me think. It's different. You're different."
"Yeah?" Steve said.
"Yeah. I thought this roleplaying thing was a bit nutty, but all right, I could play along with it. Worth a try," Bucky said. "It's not like I thought it would be, though. It's a lot more ... real. I can feel the difference. It's like you're really Stevie again." He shook his head a little. "Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I don't think I'll call you Stevie outside of game night again. I think I'll save it for times like this, when you want to be littler than me. Some other time, we can try it the other way around like Phil and I talked about. Okay?"
"Okay," said Stevie. Phil had to admit, the name fit. There was something sweeter and more yielding about him tonight, different even from the rare occasions when he'd switched down before, such as the brief tradeoff at Easter. Bucky brought out a whole new side of him, the shift between Steve and Stevie as subtle and profound as the shift between Tony Stark and Tony Carter.
"I'm really grateful for this," Bucky said. His hand moved down, tracing the curve of Stevie's back.
"I missed you," Stevie said. "I missed you so much. All I could think of sometimes was how I wanted you back."
"I missed you too," Bucky said. "I missed you even when I couldn't remember you. I just knew something important was gone. God, they cut my heart out when they made me forget you."
Phil shuddered at that icy image. It rang true, for memories formed the core of personality, informing the choices that a person made. Take away everyone you love, all the lessons you've taught each other, and what's left? Not much, Phil thought. He noticed Tony hugging himself, arms wrapped tight over the arc reactor. Clint and Natka clung to each other. It's time to bring this discussion back to a warmer tone.
"We're all here now," Phil reminded them. "Everyone's safe. Let's focus on that and have some fun, shall we?"
Bruce took that opportunity to crawl under the coffee table where Bucky's legs stretched beneath it. "Hi," Bruce said.
"Hi yourself," Bucky said, smiling at him. Bucky looked a little bemused. He was willing to go along with game night but clearly found it a bit challenging to adjust, to get into role himself, to handle the changes in other people's personalities.
Stevie helped. He sat up and said, "This is my baby cousin Bruce."
"Guess the family got a new addition while I was away, huh?" said Bucky. "Well that sure is a fine thing to come home to. Come here, sprout." He bent down and lifted Bruce gently onto the couch.
Bruce immediately tucked himself into a ball, mostly in Stevie's lap, with his feet trailing over Bucky's leg. "... 'kay," he whispered.
"He's shy," Stevie said.
"We'll look out for him then," Bucky said. He wrapped one arm over Bruce and the other behind Stevie's back. "He'll open up more when he feels like it."
* * *
Notes:
Once the pressure of adulthood comes off, massive amounts of emotion and issues burst out, all in a relatively short time (for the characters) and text (for the readers). So there is a ton of stuff to unpack here. You don't have to read this if you find the notes distracting, but it's here for the fans of deep reading.
It can be hard to deal with someone who doesn't accept gifts gracefully. There are tips for declining a gift politely. Pajamas actually are on the list of gifts commonly considered inappropriate, along with other intimate apparel. They're okay among immediate family, but some people still feel weird about them.
(Remember, money-related links can be touchy for some folks. Think before you click.)
Bucky detests the idea of accepting charity, not just because he hates feeling poor, but because he feels a need to be a provider. He hasn't really gotten used to the idea of belonging to the team and earning his fair share of the material resources. Society has a nasty habit of shaming people for being poor, and then telling them to swallow their pride and take charity anyway. Unsurprisingly this pisses off poor people, most of whom want a job instead.
A serious problem is gifts with strings attached, both privately and in charity. Most of the Avengers have learned that people can hurt or manipulate you with "gifts," which makes them wary of what Tony and Phil offer. There are ways to distinguish codependent from clean giving. Gifts with strings are not "free," but usually cost more than they're worth, in which case it's better to refuse them. Service, possession, and money gifts all have their dark sides. People often give charity with expectations. Charity with strings attached is just marketing. No wonder people resist it. Bucky hasn't known Phil long enough to feel confident that he's offering gifts freely and honestly, out of affection.
Feeling unworthy is another barrier to accepting gifts. This especially happens with abused or neglected children, including most of the Avengers, as the unfamiliar caring makes them feel uncomfortable. This hooks back into the charity issue with the vicious meme of the "deserving and undeserving poor" -- as if people have to justify their right to exist. Growing up poor in an orphanage means that Bucky and Steve probably heard a lot about how they were lazy, good-for-nothing brats who didn't deserve what pittance they were given but were expected to be grateful for it anyhow. This undermines the sense of self-worth, although different Avengers show that in different ways. There are tips for overcoming a sense of unworthiness.
Parentification is a situation where children are forced to grow up too soon and saddled with responsibilities beyond those appropriate to their age. This applies most to Bruce-and-Hulk, who took on various tasks that their parents should have been doing; Tony, who took care of himself because often nobody else was willing or able; and Bucky, who took up the slack in looking after Steve because their parents died and the orphanage staff did a lackluster job. Read the symptoms. This causes boundary problems, which they all have in different ways, due to the repeated intrusions on identity. It also raises the chance of imposter syndrome: think of Bruce-and-Hulk denying their hero status, Tony faking his way through relationships, and Bucky struggling to believe that he's still a real person after the enemy butchered his sense of self. Parentified children are taught not to be themselves, that they must always be mature and controlled -- which ironically can make them excellent in a crisis, as the Avengers indeed are. They are also prone to shame, which plays into Bucky's feeling that if someone gives him things, it means he can't support himself and more importantly Steve which makes him a bad person.
Gratitude brings peace and joy. Practicing gratitude helps alleviate the guilt-trip over giving and receiving presents. There are tips on how to feel gratitude, being receptive, and accepting a gift. It can help to keep a diary. There are text and video meditations for cultivating thankful feelings. Bucky is more unreceptive than ungrateful, but this kind of work will solve both problems.
Compromise is an essential family skill for balancing relationships. It's especially important for blended families, which the Avengers are. Learn where and how to compromise in home life. It's not always possible to find a solution that makes everyone happy, but it's crucial to find one that everyone can live with. Consider this in light of the earlier issues about giving and receiving not just gifts but care: this is a perennial challenge for the Avengers but they try hard to accommodate each other.
Making up for lost time allows people to recognize and compensate for what they missed in early life, particularly important for neglected or abused children. Adults may collect things that represent a happy childhood, or seek out nurturing relationships. This is a prevailing reason for game night.
Reaching authentic maturity often requires healing the inner child and creating confidence that needs will be met. This may also entail balancing the inner child and inner parent, particularly an issue for Bucky and Steve (who switch authority) and Bruce-and-Hulk (who nurture their teammates beautifully but have trouble receiving comfort himselves). Consider the aspects of healing and become aware of issues. Work on love and mindfulness. Try to understand the inner child's age, which may shift along with needs. Journaling and meditation may help. There are many more techniques for inner child work. Follow the steps for understanding and healing the wounds of childhood. This is another major theme for game night.
Ageplay is a type of roleplaying about pretending a different emotional age than chronological age. People can take different roles as a "Big" (playing an adult, like Uncle Phil) or a "Little" (playing a child, like everyone else). and it can be nonsexual. Although often classed as a kink, ageplay does not have to be sexual at all, and may simply involve deep caregiving. In this mode, it's really more akin to other types of make believe such as improve theatre, live-action roleplaying games, or business/therapeutic roleplaying. However, ageplay is still a form of power exchange, in which the Little(s) will temporarily give authority to the Big(s). In this regard, it does resemble the roles of Dom and Sub from kink, in terms of who takes care of whom, who is in charge and who takes a break from responsibility. That's a big part of what people get out of ageplay.
There are basic instructions in taking care of children for babysitters. It's important to understand what children need most, and how to spend quality time with them. Uncle Phil has this down pat.
Dealing with buried grief can be very challenging. You must understand what you've lost and how it affects you, before you can mourn it and move on. You need to uncover and regulate hidden emotions in general, so they don't control your life. Of course, there are reasons why people hide their feelings. Dissociation can obscure emotions, but we really need our feelings. Become an emotional detective. Your body can give clues to your emotions. Then you can take steps to accept and cope with them. Answering the right questions in a journal or discussion may help. There are tips for resolving fear and other painful emotions. Bucky and Steve have a lot of issues with this due to the way they got split up, compounded by the damage to Bucky's identity and memory. Natasha has some too, because of what the Red Room did to her, along with Bruce-and-Hulk because of their limited ability to share memories. It's hard to fix what you can't find.
Lost memories may sometimes be recovered. Self-hypnosis and meditation can help. (This is why Bucky's memories sometimes pop up differently when he's working with Bruce.) Meditation may also repair damaged memory in general. Bad memories can cause problems in the present. Ground yourself in the present. Take steps to release the past.
Separation and reunion comprise moments of intense grief and joy. Families are broken by immigration, military service, and other causes. Some work has been done on healing families torn apart by war. This is another key theme for Steve and Bucky, among the most defining points in their lives.
Ageplay can overlap with various types of touch therapy. Somatic experiencing spans the body and mind to soothe the fight-or-flight reflex. (Consider how much Clint, Natasha, and Bruce have settled down already.) Art therapy is another way of involving the body.
Holding, carrying, and cuddling children are activities essential for healthy attachment. There is considerable debate over when to stop cuddling or stop carrying kids. Use your common sense. When carrying becomes a physical strain, either quit or find a different method that works better. If cuddling or holding becomes emotionally uncomfortable, you may choose to reduce, stop, or change the activities. There are tips to avoid injury while carrying children. With the addition of Bucky, the teamfamily now has another person who can carry even adults. While he's not advertising the kind of skin-hunger that Bruce and Clint have, Bucky has a dearth of loving touch to make up for.
Memory is the core of self and identity. In a very real sense, we are our memories. Erasing a memory therefore erases a part of the person; this is a devastating mental violation and a form of soul violence. Shared memories can cause bonding or friction in relationships, as already seen between Bucky and Steve, Bucky and Natasha. Healing past issues typically requires identifying the core memories that relate to the damage and subsequent symptoms.
Meeting a new family member can be a delight or a challenge -- usually both. This arises in blended families, with unknown relatives, and other circumstances. There are ways to bond with new family.
Coping with deployment puts a huge strain on families, especially those with children. There are resources for addressing the effects of deployment for various ages. It's not rare for a soldier to come home to babies born during deployment, their own or elsewhere in the family -- and a long deployment can mean meeting toddlers or even older children for the first time. That can be awkward and stressful for everyone. What has happened with Bucky relating to Steve, Natasha, and Bruce spans different versions of military family dynamics. They're a little weird because of the superhero complications, but the underlying issues are essentially the same.
Shyness is a complex psychological trait that isn't postive or negative unto itself, and often combines both. There are steps for understanding and overcoming it. Shyness in children has various causes. There are ways to help a child deal with shyness in specific situations and in general.
[To be continued in Part 73 ... ]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Nick Fury.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mind control. Inferences of past child abuse and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: A mission in Russia introduces the Avengers to the Winter Soldier. Steve wants Bucky back and will stop at nothing to make that happen. Everyone else helps however they can.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. BAMF!Avengers. Bucky!whump. Vulgar language. Drama. Rescue. Hurt/Comfort. Emotional whump. Survivor guilt. Friendship. Confusion. Mind control. Memory loss. Slow recovery. Nick Fury makes stupid-ass decisions. Fear of loss. Arc reactor. Fluff. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Tony Stark has a heart. Games. Trust issues. Safety and security. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Obadiah Stane's A+ parenting. Brian Banner's A+ parenting. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Sleep issues. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Personal growth. Family of choice. ALL THE FEELS. #coulsonlives. Competency.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38, Part 39, Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45, Part 46, Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53, Part 54, Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60, Part 61, Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68, Part 69, Part 70, Part 71. Skip to Part 74, Part 75, Part 76.
"No Winter Lasts Forever" Part 72
Bucky showed up to the first game night a little late, and more than a little self-conscious. He still wore the ratty gray pajamas that he'd picked up from a thrift store with Bruce's help. Bucky and Phil had argued over that, until Steve finally intervened with a compromise: that Bucky could keep this set until they wore out, after which it would be Phil's turn to provide pajamas.
Everyone else was already there, much the same as they had assembled before finding Bucky on a mission. They watched quietly as he came in. After some further discussion with Phil, Bucky had been planning to play nine to Steve's ten. Phil saw that plan go out the window the moment Steve laid eyes on Bucky.
Steve turned to Phil. "I know I'm supposed to help with the others, but ..." he said, his voice cracking. "I want, can I ... please, just this once, just for a little while ..."
"You can do whatever you need," Phil reminded him gently. "Bucky?"
"Yeah, sure," Bucky said. "C'mere, runt."
Steve ran to him, wrapping his arms around Bucky. The nickname was perhaps a little silly, since Steve was taller and wider now, but nobody cared. Steve slid slowly down Bucky's body to land on the floor at his feet. He was crying, quietly and happily, his face pressed against Bucky's legs.
He can't be more than six, Phil thought, if that. Most likely, Steve had focused on some shining memory of his early childhood with Bucky and used that for an anchor.
"Well, what are you waiting for, you ninny?" Tony said to Bucky. "Pick him up and carry him!"
Bucky gave Phil a questioning look. Phil nodded.
Then Bucky leaned down to scoop his left arm under Steve's legs, right arm coming around to support his back. It was awkward, because Steve was bigger than him. Bucky had the metal arm and an enhanced body of his own, though, so he made it work.
"Bring him here," Phil said, patting the couch.
Bucky settled onto the couch with Steve, who promptly crawled into his lap. This did not work nearly as well as it did when Bruce curled up on Steve. Bucky gave him a gentle push, saying, "Get off, Stevie, you're squashing me."
Steve sniffled as he moved away. "Sorry," he said.
"Oh, not with the puppy-dog eyes," Bucky said. "You don't have to leave, just don't put all your weight on me. Here, tuck your feet up and lie down." He maneuvered Steve into lying on the couch with his head in Bucky's lap. "Okay?"
"Yeah," Steve said softly.
Bucky reached down to stroke his fingers through Steve's hair. He paused, then ruffled against the grain, restoring it to the floppy mess they remembered from their childhood. Steve smiled against Bucky's leg.
Phil smiled too, following their train of thought from his own memories of Steve's first game night, when he'd mussed his own hair so that Phil could comb it flat again. They're good for each other, he thought. Steve really needs this, and he's helping Bucky to get a sense of game night.
"It's funny," Bucky murmured, "I've been calling you 'Stevie' off and on all week, just 'cause. But now I see you like this, it really makes me think. It's different. You're different."
"Yeah?" Steve said.
"Yeah. I thought this roleplaying thing was a bit nutty, but all right, I could play along with it. Worth a try," Bucky said. "It's not like I thought it would be, though. It's a lot more ... real. I can feel the difference. It's like you're really Stevie again." He shook his head a little. "Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But I don't think I'll call you Stevie outside of game night again. I think I'll save it for times like this, when you want to be littler than me. Some other time, we can try it the other way around like Phil and I talked about. Okay?"
"Okay," said Stevie. Phil had to admit, the name fit. There was something sweeter and more yielding about him tonight, different even from the rare occasions when he'd switched down before, such as the brief tradeoff at Easter. Bucky brought out a whole new side of him, the shift between Steve and Stevie as subtle and profound as the shift between Tony Stark and Tony Carter.
"I'm really grateful for this," Bucky said. His hand moved down, tracing the curve of Stevie's back.
"I missed you," Stevie said. "I missed you so much. All I could think of sometimes was how I wanted you back."
"I missed you too," Bucky said. "I missed you even when I couldn't remember you. I just knew something important was gone. God, they cut my heart out when they made me forget you."
Phil shuddered at that icy image. It rang true, for memories formed the core of personality, informing the choices that a person made. Take away everyone you love, all the lessons you've taught each other, and what's left? Not much, Phil thought. He noticed Tony hugging himself, arms wrapped tight over the arc reactor. Clint and Natka clung to each other. It's time to bring this discussion back to a warmer tone.
"We're all here now," Phil reminded them. "Everyone's safe. Let's focus on that and have some fun, shall we?"
Bruce took that opportunity to crawl under the coffee table where Bucky's legs stretched beneath it. "Hi," Bruce said.
"Hi yourself," Bucky said, smiling at him. Bucky looked a little bemused. He was willing to go along with game night but clearly found it a bit challenging to adjust, to get into role himself, to handle the changes in other people's personalities.
Stevie helped. He sat up and said, "This is my baby cousin Bruce."
"Guess the family got a new addition while I was away, huh?" said Bucky. "Well that sure is a fine thing to come home to. Come here, sprout." He bent down and lifted Bruce gently onto the couch.
Bruce immediately tucked himself into a ball, mostly in Stevie's lap, with his feet trailing over Bucky's leg. "... 'kay," he whispered.
"He's shy," Stevie said.
"We'll look out for him then," Bucky said. He wrapped one arm over Bruce and the other behind Stevie's back. "He'll open up more when he feels like it."
* * *
Notes:
Once the pressure of adulthood comes off, massive amounts of emotion and issues burst out, all in a relatively short time (for the characters) and text (for the readers). So there is a ton of stuff to unpack here. You don't have to read this if you find the notes distracting, but it's here for the fans of deep reading.
It can be hard to deal with someone who doesn't accept gifts gracefully. There are tips for declining a gift politely. Pajamas actually are on the list of gifts commonly considered inappropriate, along with other intimate apparel. They're okay among immediate family, but some people still feel weird about them.
(Remember, money-related links can be touchy for some folks. Think before you click.)
Bucky detests the idea of accepting charity, not just because he hates feeling poor, but because he feels a need to be a provider. He hasn't really gotten used to the idea of belonging to the team and earning his fair share of the material resources. Society has a nasty habit of shaming people for being poor, and then telling them to swallow their pride and take charity anyway. Unsurprisingly this pisses off poor people, most of whom want a job instead.
A serious problem is gifts with strings attached, both privately and in charity. Most of the Avengers have learned that people can hurt or manipulate you with "gifts," which makes them wary of what Tony and Phil offer. There are ways to distinguish codependent from clean giving. Gifts with strings are not "free," but usually cost more than they're worth, in which case it's better to refuse them. Service, possession, and money gifts all have their dark sides. People often give charity with expectations. Charity with strings attached is just marketing. No wonder people resist it. Bucky hasn't known Phil long enough to feel confident that he's offering gifts freely and honestly, out of affection.
Feeling unworthy is another barrier to accepting gifts. This especially happens with abused or neglected children, including most of the Avengers, as the unfamiliar caring makes them feel uncomfortable. This hooks back into the charity issue with the vicious meme of the "deserving and undeserving poor" -- as if people have to justify their right to exist. Growing up poor in an orphanage means that Bucky and Steve probably heard a lot about how they were lazy, good-for-nothing brats who didn't deserve what pittance they were given but were expected to be grateful for it anyhow. This undermines the sense of self-worth, although different Avengers show that in different ways. There are tips for overcoming a sense of unworthiness.
Parentification is a situation where children are forced to grow up too soon and saddled with responsibilities beyond those appropriate to their age. This applies most to Bruce-and-Hulk, who took on various tasks that their parents should have been doing; Tony, who took care of himself because often nobody else was willing or able; and Bucky, who took up the slack in looking after Steve because their parents died and the orphanage staff did a lackluster job. Read the symptoms. This causes boundary problems, which they all have in different ways, due to the repeated intrusions on identity. It also raises the chance of imposter syndrome: think of Bruce-and-Hulk denying their hero status, Tony faking his way through relationships, and Bucky struggling to believe that he's still a real person after the enemy butchered his sense of self. Parentified children are taught not to be themselves, that they must always be mature and controlled -- which ironically can make them excellent in a crisis, as the Avengers indeed are. They are also prone to shame, which plays into Bucky's feeling that if someone gives him things, it means he can't support himself and more importantly Steve which makes him a bad person.
Gratitude brings peace and joy. Practicing gratitude helps alleviate the guilt-trip over giving and receiving presents. There are tips on how to feel gratitude, being receptive, and accepting a gift. It can help to keep a diary. There are text and video meditations for cultivating thankful feelings. Bucky is more unreceptive than ungrateful, but this kind of work will solve both problems.
Compromise is an essential family skill for balancing relationships. It's especially important for blended families, which the Avengers are. Learn where and how to compromise in home life. It's not always possible to find a solution that makes everyone happy, but it's crucial to find one that everyone can live with. Consider this in light of the earlier issues about giving and receiving not just gifts but care: this is a perennial challenge for the Avengers but they try hard to accommodate each other.
Making up for lost time allows people to recognize and compensate for what they missed in early life, particularly important for neglected or abused children. Adults may collect things that represent a happy childhood, or seek out nurturing relationships. This is a prevailing reason for game night.
Reaching authentic maturity often requires healing the inner child and creating confidence that needs will be met. This may also entail balancing the inner child and inner parent, particularly an issue for Bucky and Steve (who switch authority) and Bruce-and-Hulk (who nurture their teammates beautifully but have trouble receiving comfort himselves). Consider the aspects of healing and become aware of issues. Work on love and mindfulness. Try to understand the inner child's age, which may shift along with needs. Journaling and meditation may help. There are many more techniques for inner child work. Follow the steps for understanding and healing the wounds of childhood. This is another major theme for game night.
Ageplay is a type of roleplaying about pretending a different emotional age than chronological age. People can take different roles as a "Big" (playing an adult, like Uncle Phil) or a "Little" (playing a child, like everyone else). and it can be nonsexual. Although often classed as a kink, ageplay does not have to be sexual at all, and may simply involve deep caregiving. In this mode, it's really more akin to other types of make believe such as improve theatre, live-action roleplaying games, or business/therapeutic roleplaying. However, ageplay is still a form of power exchange, in which the Little(s) will temporarily give authority to the Big(s). In this regard, it does resemble the roles of Dom and Sub from kink, in terms of who takes care of whom, who is in charge and who takes a break from responsibility. That's a big part of what people get out of ageplay.
There are basic instructions in taking care of children for babysitters. It's important to understand what children need most, and how to spend quality time with them. Uncle Phil has this down pat.
Dealing with buried grief can be very challenging. You must understand what you've lost and how it affects you, before you can mourn it and move on. You need to uncover and regulate hidden emotions in general, so they don't control your life. Of course, there are reasons why people hide their feelings. Dissociation can obscure emotions, but we really need our feelings. Become an emotional detective. Your body can give clues to your emotions. Then you can take steps to accept and cope with them. Answering the right questions in a journal or discussion may help. There are tips for resolving fear and other painful emotions. Bucky and Steve have a lot of issues with this due to the way they got split up, compounded by the damage to Bucky's identity and memory. Natasha has some too, because of what the Red Room did to her, along with Bruce-and-Hulk because of their limited ability to share memories. It's hard to fix what you can't find.
Lost memories may sometimes be recovered. Self-hypnosis and meditation can help. (This is why Bucky's memories sometimes pop up differently when he's working with Bruce.) Meditation may also repair damaged memory in general. Bad memories can cause problems in the present. Ground yourself in the present. Take steps to release the past.
Separation and reunion comprise moments of intense grief and joy. Families are broken by immigration, military service, and other causes. Some work has been done on healing families torn apart by war. This is another key theme for Steve and Bucky, among the most defining points in their lives.
Ageplay can overlap with various types of touch therapy. Somatic experiencing spans the body and mind to soothe the fight-or-flight reflex. (Consider how much Clint, Natasha, and Bruce have settled down already.) Art therapy is another way of involving the body.
Holding, carrying, and cuddling children are activities essential for healthy attachment. There is considerable debate over when to stop cuddling or stop carrying kids. Use your common sense. When carrying becomes a physical strain, either quit or find a different method that works better. If cuddling or holding becomes emotionally uncomfortable, you may choose to reduce, stop, or change the activities. There are tips to avoid injury while carrying children. With the addition of Bucky, the teamfamily now has another person who can carry even adults. While he's not advertising the kind of skin-hunger that Bruce and Clint have, Bucky has a dearth of loving touch to make up for.
Memory is the core of self and identity. In a very real sense, we are our memories. Erasing a memory therefore erases a part of the person; this is a devastating mental violation and a form of soul violence. Shared memories can cause bonding or friction in relationships, as already seen between Bucky and Steve, Bucky and Natasha. Healing past issues typically requires identifying the core memories that relate to the damage and subsequent symptoms.
Meeting a new family member can be a delight or a challenge -- usually both. This arises in blended families, with unknown relatives, and other circumstances. There are ways to bond with new family.
Coping with deployment puts a huge strain on families, especially those with children. There are resources for addressing the effects of deployment for various ages. It's not rare for a soldier to come home to babies born during deployment, their own or elsewhere in the family -- and a long deployment can mean meeting toddlers or even older children for the first time. That can be awkward and stressful for everyone. What has happened with Bucky relating to Steve, Natasha, and Bruce spans different versions of military family dynamics. They're a little weird because of the superhero complications, but the underlying issues are essentially the same.
Shyness is a complex psychological trait that isn't postive or negative unto itself, and often combines both. There are steps for understanding and overcoming it. Shyness in children has various causes. There are ways to help a child deal with shyness in specific situations and in general.
[To be continued in Part 73 ... ]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 07:24 am (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2013-07-24 07:42 am (UTC)I look forward to that ...
>> right now I'm spinning and squeaking and wanting to roll in glitter. <<
... but this is really awesome too.
>> This was an excellent introduction into game night with Bucky, and it eased SO MUCH worry. *bounces excitedly* <<
It's not to say that there won't ever be challenges with Bucky and game night, but the story has come to a comfortable resting places. These last several chapters are mostly fancandy, with just a few hints that not everything is resolved yet.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 08:01 am (UTC)You're welcome!
Date: 2013-07-23 08:32 am (UTC)That does happen a lot with my work. It's usually synchronicity like this with fiction. The poems like to go visiting -- sometimes I'll read a note from someone, and know that they need to read a specific poem, so I'll send it, and it will touch on something they didn't mention. Being an information dispensary is just part of my vocation.
>>I am sure this must be a superpower.<<
Well, it is among my magical talents, and people do notice. How super it is, that's for the recipients to decide.
>> You are a hero in your own way I hope you know. {Thank you} - kellyc <<
*bow, flourish* I do my best.
There are many ways to be a hero, and I like to write about those, not just "run up and hit things." Among the more salient ones for me include ...
* Doing what needs to be done, especially when nobody else can or will. I do a lot of social engineering.
* Punching up instead of down when choosing opponents. I actually aim at hero-class targets such as megacorps and world leaders in my activism. So regardless of my power level or effectiveness, I actually am on the superhero target range there.
* Putting self between someone else and a threat. I've done this pretty much since I could walk. I'm almost exactly original-Steve's size, although fortunately a more efficient fighter if needs must. I'm about on Tony's level with language; I had to learn how not to use the wordnukes.
Re: You're welcome!
Date: 2013-08-26 11:26 pm (UTC)A favorite piece of mine is quoted here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/142419
Re: You're welcome!
Date: 2013-08-27 01:35 am (UTC)Re: You're welcome!
Date: 2013-08-27 09:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-24 12:04 am (UTC)*hugs*
Date: 2013-07-24 07:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 02:50 pm (UTC)It made me happy to see Bruce join them, he's built a nice relationship already with Bucky.
I think this must have helped Steve (and probably Bucky) a lot.
So glad Bucky's first time at game night is going well!
Thanks for sharing!
Yes...
Date: 2013-07-24 07:47 am (UTC)Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed that so much.
>> It made me happy to see Bruce join them, he's built a nice relationship already with Bucky. <<
Bruce and Bucky have much to offer each other. It's a good sign that they can reach out and connect, after all the crap that's happened to them.
>> I think this must have helped Steve (and probably Bucky) a lot. <<
It really, really did that for both of them. Their first (on the battlefield) and second (at SHIELD) reunions were so messed up that those didn't help much. So this is the real "homecoming" for them, and it's no wonder that Steve dropped like a rock.
>> So glad Bucky's first time at game night is going well! <<
Everyone put a lot of careful thought and preparation into this. There may still be challenges in the future, but for now, things are working.
>> Thanks for sharing! <<
You're welcome!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 03:45 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-07-24 07:58 am (UTC)I'm glad that I rendered this stuff well enough for the story to resonate for you.
Parentification has shown throughout this series, mostly in little hints or its downline influence on people's behavior (which is huge). The introduction of Bucky to the group has brought it more into focus, and that's likely to come up again in the future.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 06:14 pm (UTC)The last installment gave me actual chills (about the same time Phil got them). This one has warmed it up considerably. That's a good thing on both counts.
I hope it's OK to snitch from another comment thread?
>> I do a lot of social engineering. <<
I'd be highly interested in hearing more about this. I've wondered about your fic as a form of social engineering for a while, especially after your more 'information-dispensary' comments regarding teaching fannish types further skills via modeling in fanfiction. (Which is a BAMF-level technique itself in my opinion!)
Thoughts
Date: 2013-07-31 09:40 pm (UTC)So very true. That's a key theme for this whole series, really: life is what knocks you around, love is what gets you over the bumps.
>> The last installment gave me actual chills (about the same time Phil got them). This one has warmed it up considerably. That's a good thing on both counts. <<
Wow! I'm flattered. Yes, that's very much the pattern I aim for, winding up tension and then releasing it: a main feature of the hurt/comfort genre.
>> I hope it's OK to snitch from another comment thread? <<
Sure, no problem.
I do a lot of social engineering.
>> I'd be highly interested in hearing more about this. <<
Social engineering is about understanding how cultures work, what the parts are, how they break, and how to replace or repair parts that aren't working. It's a lot like working on a car, only I'm more interested in cultures than cars.
Among the things I do:
* Coin new words or phrases for ideas that people are having difficulty discussing due to a lack of relevant vocabulary.
* Identify repeating patterns or trends and use them to speed up social progression in new iterations (frex, recognizing asexual fiction as the latest version of identity fiction and skipping directly to the "treat them as ordinary characters" phase, or recognizing crowdfunding as a useful creative/economic model and skipping directly to having an award for it).
* Strip away illusions and justifications for bad behavior, cut it down to its motive and result, and say that in plain language so people know what they're dealing with.
* Vote, sign petitions, and engage in sundry forms of activism.
* Highlight in the current events where history is repeating itself and how that tends to turn out ("The last time religion ran government, nobody in Europe had running water for 500 years.")
* Teach and encourage social skills congruent with the kind of culture I admire.
>> I've wondered about your fic as a form of social engineering for a while, especially after your more 'information-dispensary' comments regarding teaching fannish types further skills via modeling in fanfiction. <<
Yes, that's deliberate. My core goal is to tell meaningful stories -- ones that people will enjoy, and care about, and maybe learn something from. If they don't enjoy reading, it's a waste of time for everyone. If they don't care, it won't stick. But if it's just idle entertainment, then it has no staying power. I find the most satisfying and memorable stories to be those that star characters I'd enjoy hanging out with because they're decent people at heart even if they have some problems; and feature plots with real challenges the characters have to work through step by step, rather than just handwaving everything away. So that's what I write.
>> (Which is a BAMF-level technique itself in my opinion!) <<
*bask, preen* Thank you!
It really is. It's very challenging. I've seen even experts flub it, and I still do that sometimes. But it's like Clint and the currents. You have to work at the edge of your skill for it to feel really good.
*ponder* I actually had not realized how good my fiction skill has apparently gotten, because my poetry is way out on the edge of "stretching myself involves writing poems in languages I don't speak fluently or forms not designed for English words." So thanks for that marker.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-23 07:51 pm (UTC)-A
Thank you!
Date: 2013-07-24 09:17 am (UTC)I'm happy to hear that. I enjoy deep writing, and laying it out like this is fascinating.
>> I can't wait to see how game night progresses with Bucky! <<
There's a lot going on in a relatively short span of time and text, compared to the rest of the story. I wanted to put in a good chunk of fluffy ageplay at the end, to balance the angst from earlier.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-24 12:03 am (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2013-07-25 09:01 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-24 01:53 am (UTC)...
Ok, I lied. Can I cuddle them and keep them? Pretty please? *pets Steve and Bucky both*
Aww...
Date: 2013-07-25 08:55 am (UTC)Steve and Bucky could certainly use more petting and cuddling.
LOVE THIS
Date: 2013-07-24 03:41 am (UTC)I have to say, it may be because Tony's my favorite so I focus on him, but I'm now worried about him. Clint and Natasha are brother and sister. Bucky and Steve are brothers, and Bruce is their cousin. Tony is the only one without a 'family' tie with the rest of the kids, and the image of him hugging himself (which I don't think was even intended as a sad moment) while everyone else hugged someone else made me feel so bad for him.
Re: LOVE THIS
Date: 2013-07-24 07:28 am (UTC)Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this so much.
>> Bucky's immediate acceptance of Bruce just warmed my heart too. <<
Bucky is very family-oriented, and he already had a mental map of "get deployed, come home to new kid" because that happened a lot. It helps that big-Bruce has been doing a lot for Bucky, so they already had the beginnings of a bond. Once Steve mentioned the in-game relationship, Bucky was willing to go along with that.
>> I have to say, it may be because Tony's my favorite so I focus on him, but I'm now worried about him. <<
Well, you're not wrong.
>> Clint and Natasha are brother and sister. Bucky and Steve are brothers, and Bruce is their cousin. Tony is the only one without a 'family' tie with the rest of the kids, and the image of him hugging himself (which I don't think was even intended as a sad moment) while everyone else hugged someone else made me feel so bad for him. <<
The odd thing is, Tony has a family bond, he just doesn't acknowledge it that way during game night. Tony treats Bruce as his little brother. It's so strong that, unlike Steve and Bucky, they can't reverse their ages; it makes them uncomfortable. Tony will say "science bro," but when he came into the first game night, he didn't make the jump.
Tony and Bruce both have wretched family backgrounds. So do Clint and Natasha, but they had longer with Phil as their handler to work through some of that and bond with each other. It still took them until well into the ageplay practice before they decided to make it official. Tony and Bruce are farther behind. It took everything Tony had just to go to the door and ask if he could join. Bruce also made a major effort to reach out to Steve, probably because he's keenly aware of Steve's loneliness. But Tony and Bruce are afraid to look closely at or name formally the relationship they had, because their experience of family ties was so painful, and they feel like poking at this bond will make it disappear or bite them. It's probably not even a conscious decision on their part.
And Tony sitting by himself? He's not a joiner. He also has a lot of experience with rejection, including from other Avengers. He still hasn't entirely worked through that stuff. So yes, there are times when he'll include himself out -- which can be perfectly healthy, or really really not.
Tony also has issues of overcontrol and self-denial, counterbalanced against the times when he has NO control at all. He can't seem to find the middle ground on his own. That's likely part of what you're picking up here: Tony holding himself back to make room for Bucky. This is not, you perceive, one of Tony's better ideas. This is first game night is a comfortable resolution for the story, and a lot of wonderful fluff and family feels, with just a little grit when you can sense issues that aren't fully resolved yet.
The next story in progress is Tony-centric. If Tony's your favorite, I think you'll like it, when it's not ripping your heart out.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-24 05:57 am (UTC)Thoughts
Date: 2013-07-24 07:42 pm (UTC)Thank you! I'm happy to hear that.
>> There's just something I'm curious about: where's Pepper? It's starting to feel like she's missing. <<
In this series, Pepper and Tony are no longer a romantic couple, but she still runs Stark Industries for him. There have been a few oblique mentions of Pepper, and will probably be more in the future, but she just doesn't seem inclined to involve herself in this series.
To see Pepper with the Avengers, read "Saving the Heroes."
(no subject)
Date: 2013-08-12 05:56 pm (UTC)AWWWWWWW... *heart melts at Steve's reaction to Bucky*
Yes...
Date: 2013-09-01 05:27 am (UTC)After so much buildup, I wanted a nice big payoff at the end, so there are several chapters of ageplay.
>> AWWWWWWW... *heart melts at Steve's reaction to Bucky* <<
Yay! I knew Steve was going to go *goosh* over getting Bucky back. This was the nudge he needed to let all the way go and not be in charge of anything for a little while.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-08-18 02:43 am (UTC)*waves timidly* shy introvert, over here.
Thank you!
Date: 2013-08-18 08:44 am (UTC)I wanted to give Bruce a chance to be himself, and he's just so shy and withdrawn in The Avengers. So game night is his opportunity for that, when he doesn't have to join in directly unless he feels comfortable doing that.