Story: "No Winter Lasts Forever" (Part 28)
Jun. 7th, 2013 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis story is a sequel to "Love Is for Children," "Eggshells," "Dolls and Guys," "Turnabout Is Fair Play," and "Touching Moments," "Splash," "Coming Around," and "Birthday Girl."
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Nick Fury.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mind control. Inferences of past child abuse and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: A mission in Russia introduces the Avengers to the Winter Soldier. Steve wants Bucky back and will stop at nothing to make that happen. Everyone else helps however they can.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. BAMF!Avengers. Bucky!whump. Vulgar language. Drama. Rescue. Hurt/Comfort. Emotional whump. Survivor guilt. Friendship. Confusion. Mind control. Memory loss. Slow recovery. Nick Fury makes stupid-ass decisions. Fear of loss. Arc reactor. Fluff. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Tony Stark has a heart. Games. Trust issues. Safety and security. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Obadiah Stane's A+ parenting. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Sleep issues. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Personal growth. Family of choice. ALL THE FEELS. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27. Skip to Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33.
"No Winter Lasts Forever" Part 28
"Those are mine; I'll get them," Natasha said. She brought out the bright pink discs of sugar. "You introduced me to these, Bucky. We worked an ice cream stand as cover once, in Baku. I think that was one of the first things you remembered from your old life."
Bucky shook the bubblegum sprinkles over his cake. "I don't remember it now, but ... I'm glad you do," he said. He forked up a bite and then added, "This is really good."
Meanwhile Betty had gone for the ice cream, bringing back peanut butter and vanilla. Bucky passed on that, although Steve buried his cake in several scoops. It didn't take long for them to demolish dessert. Steve pushed his plate away and said, "I'm stuffed."
"I think I'm full?" Bucky said. "It's hard to tell."
"You should get some rest after supper," Bruce said to him. "I know you can't fall asleep readily, but a quiet lie-down is better than nothing. Shut the lights off, and turn the temperature down a little. That may help get your melatonin production back in working order, which will support both sleep and memory."
"Doing something quiet before you lie down might help too. You can read, or watch television if you've got a spotter," Steve said.
"A what?" Bucky said.
"A spotter, someone to sit with you and shut off the screen if gets too upsetting," Steve said.
Bucky laughed. "Can't be any worse than what I've already seen," he said. "What kind of nancy idiot needs a wingman for entertainment?"
Tink.
Steve looked down in shock at the cracked glass in his hand. "I do, Bucky," he said as he set the glass carefully on the table.
"Show me your hand. Did you cut yourself?" Bruce said.
Steve opened his hand. "No, I didn't. I'm okay."
Phil reached out and flipped over the glass. Its bottom was smooth. "Wrong glassware," he said. "Who set the table?"
"I -- I did," Tony said, his voice wavering. "I was trying to be helpful."
"I told him to do it," Steve said. "My fault, Tony, I should've checked your work after an unfamiliar task."
"I'm sorry I forgot the right glasses. There's just so much to remember about what subset of pieces to get and where to put them," Tony said.
"No harm, no foul," Phil said. It took work to rebuild Tony's trust in himself, especially when he ventured into areas that his skill set didn't really cover. "You're used to seeing a lot of different place settings when you go out. Next time you'll remember what we use for casual meals at home, and somebody can check your work."
"Genius doesn't know how to set a table? And what's with the glasses?" Bucky said.
"Excuse me," Tony said faintly, and scurried out of the room.
"I'll go after him," Clint said. He hastened to follow Tony.
"Bucky, most of the team grew up in unusual -- if varied -- circumstances," Phil explained. "In Tony's case, his household had servants so he missed out on learning a lot of ordinary skills like setting a table. It doesn't help that he sometimes attends functions where a place setting can run to dozens of pieces."
"The glasses are for me and Steve, because we had some problems at first," Bruce said. He checked the bottom of his. "Here, look. See the Stark Industries logo? These are made from the same shatterproof material that Tony uses for the transparent parts of his armor. So if we squeeze too hard, it won't break like ordinary glass. But on the table, it looks like everyone else's."
Phil remembered that incident vividly. Steve had gotten upset early on, broken a glass, and sliced his hand open. The cuts had healed quickly, but it was still alarming. It had given Phil an idea of just how sensitive Steve was under his good-soldier front. Sadly Bruce hadn't fully grasped that example of how other people's emotional overload sometimes led to unpleasant physical consequences. The next day, Tony had come upstairs with some specialized glassware to make sure that kind of accident didn't happen again.
"It really won't break?" Bucky said. He opened and closed his metal hand. "I've busted a lot of glasses -- even crushed metal cups -- just from getting distracted or angry."
"Watch," Bruce said. He tapped the glass lightly against the edge of the table to telegraph his intent, then gave it a sharp whack. "See, not even a chip. You're welcome to use these too. I'm sure Tony would make more if you asked."
Bucky cast a guilty glance at the door. "I don't think he likes me much right now," he said. "I didn't think -- well, that's just it. I was acting like a thoughtless jerk."
Steve had actually warned Phil about that. Bucky was fundamentally honorable, but he also had a flippant streak that sometimes caused trouble. Phil suspected that was one reason that Steve had warmed up to Tony and Clint: they had a similar flavor of sass as Bucky did. Perhaps Bucky would learn to get along with them based on that common ground.
"You did not know about Tony's background," Natasha said, "and he is ... an easy man to misjudge."
"Really? Coming from you, that says a lot," Bucky said.
"Natasha's right. I read Tony all wrong at our first meeting too," Steve said.
Phil nodded. He had made much the same mistake himself. "Tony encourages the world to see him in a certain light --"
"Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist," Steve murmured.
"-- which is, not so much wrong, as troublingly incomplete," Phil said. "Iron Man isn't the only mask he wears, and that public front he puts up is actually harder to get through." Tony had an odd tendency of advertising his more garish flaws to obscure the deeper weaknesses, and he also preferred to keep his courage and valor out of plain sight.
"Just ... try to be a little more understanding," Steve said. "Tony is brilliant at so many things, but he feels self-conscious about the stuff he's not good at."
"Yeah, I should probably apologize for that," Bucky said.
* * *
Notes:
Baku, Azerbaijan lies on the coast of the Caspian Sea. Not far from Russia, it is a popular yet risky vacation spot.
Trauma can create sleep disturbances and interfere with the production of melatonin, a hormone necessary for sleep. A dark, cool, quiet environment encourages the body to release melatonin. (This is why JARVIS often tweaks the environmental controls in the tower if it looks like people are falling asleep. It's his version of tucking them in.) There are more tips for improving sleep.
An emotional spotter is a person trusted to provide support when someone is or might become upset. They may remove obstacles or check to make sure a situation is safe. Wingman is a similar military term, also used socially (especially in dating).
Setting a table can range from simple to moderate to ridiculously complex (there are 70 pieces outlined on that tablecloth). Etiquette guides explain how to decide which pieces to use and how to teach kids to set the table.
Making a trigger list is a basic exercise for coping with PTSD. This helps to avoid the worst triggers while working to reduce your sensitivity and otherwise recover your stability. These are some common triggers for veterans. Trigger identification is part of an action plan for prevention of and recovery from mental symptoms.
Most people can switch between true and false self, in which the social front protects the inner persona. Interestingly, wearing a physical mask tends to release the true self -- notice that Iron Man reveals much that Tony Stark hides. Therapy, like other forms of intimacy, requires getting beneath the social front in order to accomplish much of import.
[To be continued in Part 29 ...]
Fandom: The Avengers
Characters: Phil Coulson, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanova, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hulk, Steve Rogers, Betty Ross, JARVIS, Bucky Barnes, Nick Fury.
Medium: Fiction
Warnings: Mind control. Inferences of past child abuse and other torture. Current environment is supportive.
Summary: A mission in Russia introduces the Avengers to the Winter Soldier. Steve wants Bucky back and will stop at nothing to make that happen. Everyone else helps however they can.
Notes: Asexual character (Clint). Aromantic character (Natasha). Asexual relationship. Sibling relationships. Fix-it. Teamwork. Canon-typical violence. BAMF!Avengers. Bucky!whump. Vulgar language. Drama. Rescue. Hurt/Comfort. Emotional whump. Survivor guilt. Friendship. Confusion. Mind control. Memory loss. Slow recovery. Nick Fury makes stupid-ass decisions. Fear of loss. Arc reactor. Fluff. Nonsexual ageplay. Making up for lost time. Tony Stark has a heart. Games. Trust issues. Safety and security. Howard Stark's A+ parenting. Obadiah Stane's A+ parenting. Food issues. Multiplicity/Plurality. Sleep issues. Non-sexual touching and intimacy. Yoga. Personal growth. Family of choice. ALL THE FEELS. #coulsonlives.
Begin with Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27. Skip to Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33.
"No Winter Lasts Forever" Part 28
"Those are mine; I'll get them," Natasha said. She brought out the bright pink discs of sugar. "You introduced me to these, Bucky. We worked an ice cream stand as cover once, in Baku. I think that was one of the first things you remembered from your old life."
Bucky shook the bubblegum sprinkles over his cake. "I don't remember it now, but ... I'm glad you do," he said. He forked up a bite and then added, "This is really good."
Meanwhile Betty had gone for the ice cream, bringing back peanut butter and vanilla. Bucky passed on that, although Steve buried his cake in several scoops. It didn't take long for them to demolish dessert. Steve pushed his plate away and said, "I'm stuffed."
"I think I'm full?" Bucky said. "It's hard to tell."
"You should get some rest after supper," Bruce said to him. "I know you can't fall asleep readily, but a quiet lie-down is better than nothing. Shut the lights off, and turn the temperature down a little. That may help get your melatonin production back in working order, which will support both sleep and memory."
"Doing something quiet before you lie down might help too. You can read, or watch television if you've got a spotter," Steve said.
"A what?" Bucky said.
"A spotter, someone to sit with you and shut off the screen if gets too upsetting," Steve said.
Bucky laughed. "Can't be any worse than what I've already seen," he said. "What kind of nancy idiot needs a wingman for entertainment?"
Tink.
Steve looked down in shock at the cracked glass in his hand. "I do, Bucky," he said as he set the glass carefully on the table.
"Show me your hand. Did you cut yourself?" Bruce said.
Steve opened his hand. "No, I didn't. I'm okay."
Phil reached out and flipped over the glass. Its bottom was smooth. "Wrong glassware," he said. "Who set the table?"
"I -- I did," Tony said, his voice wavering. "I was trying to be helpful."
"I told him to do it," Steve said. "My fault, Tony, I should've checked your work after an unfamiliar task."
"I'm sorry I forgot the right glasses. There's just so much to remember about what subset of pieces to get and where to put them," Tony said.
"No harm, no foul," Phil said. It took work to rebuild Tony's trust in himself, especially when he ventured into areas that his skill set didn't really cover. "You're used to seeing a lot of different place settings when you go out. Next time you'll remember what we use for casual meals at home, and somebody can check your work."
"Genius doesn't know how to set a table? And what's with the glasses?" Bucky said.
"Excuse me," Tony said faintly, and scurried out of the room.
"I'll go after him," Clint said. He hastened to follow Tony.
"Bucky, most of the team grew up in unusual -- if varied -- circumstances," Phil explained. "In Tony's case, his household had servants so he missed out on learning a lot of ordinary skills like setting a table. It doesn't help that he sometimes attends functions where a place setting can run to dozens of pieces."
"The glasses are for me and Steve, because we had some problems at first," Bruce said. He checked the bottom of his. "Here, look. See the Stark Industries logo? These are made from the same shatterproof material that Tony uses for the transparent parts of his armor. So if we squeeze too hard, it won't break like ordinary glass. But on the table, it looks like everyone else's."
Phil remembered that incident vividly. Steve had gotten upset early on, broken a glass, and sliced his hand open. The cuts had healed quickly, but it was still alarming. It had given Phil an idea of just how sensitive Steve was under his good-soldier front. Sadly Bruce hadn't fully grasped that example of how other people's emotional overload sometimes led to unpleasant physical consequences. The next day, Tony had come upstairs with some specialized glassware to make sure that kind of accident didn't happen again.
"It really won't break?" Bucky said. He opened and closed his metal hand. "I've busted a lot of glasses -- even crushed metal cups -- just from getting distracted or angry."
"Watch," Bruce said. He tapped the glass lightly against the edge of the table to telegraph his intent, then gave it a sharp whack. "See, not even a chip. You're welcome to use these too. I'm sure Tony would make more if you asked."
Bucky cast a guilty glance at the door. "I don't think he likes me much right now," he said. "I didn't think -- well, that's just it. I was acting like a thoughtless jerk."
Steve had actually warned Phil about that. Bucky was fundamentally honorable, but he also had a flippant streak that sometimes caused trouble. Phil suspected that was one reason that Steve had warmed up to Tony and Clint: they had a similar flavor of sass as Bucky did. Perhaps Bucky would learn to get along with them based on that common ground.
"You did not know about Tony's background," Natasha said, "and he is ... an easy man to misjudge."
"Really? Coming from you, that says a lot," Bucky said.
"Natasha's right. I read Tony all wrong at our first meeting too," Steve said.
Phil nodded. He had made much the same mistake himself. "Tony encourages the world to see him in a certain light --"
"Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist," Steve murmured.
"-- which is, not so much wrong, as troublingly incomplete," Phil said. "Iron Man isn't the only mask he wears, and that public front he puts up is actually harder to get through." Tony had an odd tendency of advertising his more garish flaws to obscure the deeper weaknesses, and he also preferred to keep his courage and valor out of plain sight.
"Just ... try to be a little more understanding," Steve said. "Tony is brilliant at so many things, but he feels self-conscious about the stuff he's not good at."
"Yeah, I should probably apologize for that," Bucky said.
* * *
Notes:
Baku, Azerbaijan lies on the coast of the Caspian Sea. Not far from Russia, it is a popular yet risky vacation spot.
Trauma can create sleep disturbances and interfere with the production of melatonin, a hormone necessary for sleep. A dark, cool, quiet environment encourages the body to release melatonin. (This is why JARVIS often tweaks the environmental controls in the tower if it looks like people are falling asleep. It's his version of tucking them in.) There are more tips for improving sleep.
An emotional spotter is a person trusted to provide support when someone is or might become upset. They may remove obstacles or check to make sure a situation is safe. Wingman is a similar military term, also used socially (especially in dating).
Setting a table can range from simple to moderate to ridiculously complex (there are 70 pieces outlined on that tablecloth). Etiquette guides explain how to decide which pieces to use and how to teach kids to set the table.
Making a trigger list is a basic exercise for coping with PTSD. This helps to avoid the worst triggers while working to reduce your sensitivity and otherwise recover your stability. These are some common triggers for veterans. Trigger identification is part of an action plan for prevention of and recovery from mental symptoms.
Most people can switch between true and false self, in which the social front protects the inner persona. Interestingly, wearing a physical mask tends to release the true self -- notice that Iron Man reveals much that Tony Stark hides. Therapy, like other forms of intimacy, requires getting beneath the social front in order to accomplish much of import.
[To be continued in Part 29 ...]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 09:38 am (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-06-08 08:30 am (UTC)Bucky has such awful problems with sleep, so there will be more of this thread over time.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 10:53 am (UTC)Which is a nice way of saying "I thought Tony Stark was a brat who thought brains and money counted for everything, but most of the time was too drunk off his ass to find it"?
I had to go back and reread Tony's lines hearing the actor's voice in order to make them feel believable. Odd, that, for me.
Hmm...
Date: 2013-06-08 07:15 pm (UTC)That's part of it ... but there's also the awareness that Tony did that on purpose, using his garish behavior to hide not just more private flaws but very large virtues; and that despite being in the company of several master spies, fooled them utterly and completely. They simply never saw certain aspects of Tony until he chose to reveal them. Which is professionally humiliating as well as personally painful.
>>I had to go back and reread Tony's lines hearing the actor's voice in order to make them feel believable. Odd, that, for me.<<
Huh. Sorry if that's a delivery flaw on my side.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 01:01 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-06-08 09:32 am (UTC)Oh yes, Bucky really stirs things up. It's not just about adding another person; it's about changing how the other characters interact. You'll see more of this over time.
>> There weren't any problems with Betsy, but she is more guarded and watches and thinks before acting. <<
True. Betty is thoughtful and soft-spoken, at least until someone pisses her off. There's also the fact that Bruce never really let go of her, the way that Steve had tried to let go of Bucky believing him to be dead; so that there was kind of a Betty-shaped hole in Bruce's life that she was able to step back into. Enough that it affected the group dynamics.
(I write a Betsy Ross, by the way, in "For the Very First Time.")
>> Bucky was a brash soldier and now that he is feeling safer he is talking before thinking. <<
Yeah, he does that sometimes. Bucky doesn't mean to be a jerk, but his mouth can run away with his manners. Tony in particular has less protection against that than usual, given their hasty connection. It causes some bumps.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 02:18 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2013-06-09 05:49 am (UTC)For people like the Avengers, it is difficult just to get those barriers lowered in the first place. Then it's hard to deal with what happens when they are down. That's usually followed by some mistakes because folks aren't used to functioning in that mode. Then if you're really unlucky, it's hard to get the appropriate barriers back up again for interactions with the outside world.
>> Tony's reaction here rings very true to me, based on his arc so far. <<
Yay! I'm glad that worked. There is a lot of canon material about how Tony maintains his guard, and the various ways he usually freaks out when he lowers it. So I've largely built on that for these scenes.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 07:32 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-06-08 08:24 pm (UTC)There are a number of split-second crash and burn turnarounds in this story. Part of that is just the sheer number of emotional landmines; part is Bucky's flippant side; and part is because he's new to the team so doesn't already know people's main triggers to avoid.
>> Tony really is trying so hard in this story, but with those two something was probably bound to happen again sooner or later. <<
It's inevitable that there will be this kind of backlash because of the hasty connection that Tony made with Bucky. It put Tony way outside his comfort zone, which leaves him vulnerable, which is a recipe for disaster. But that connection is a fundamental part of their relationship.
>> At least Bucky realizes when he's misstepped and wants to make things right. Although I can't see things going as easily as last time Bucky and Tony had a problem, at least that should help. <<
Well, it's going to be rough on Tony, but most of the fallout will be over by the time Bucky sees him again. It wasn't, really, Bucky himself who caused this problem -- he just triggered a giant pile of crud that some other people stacked up in the past.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-06-07 08:08 pm (UTC)Yes...
Date: 2013-06-08 03:00 am (UTC)Indeed he did; and no, he didn't realize that until it was pointed out to him in more detail. That's actually in the next chapter.
>> There are landmines everywhere! <<
Because whole minefield of triggers with really very little field between the landmines.
Yes. This is what happens when you make a family of choice out of people who have survived such horrible experiences.
>> I loved this chapter, thanks! <<
Yay! I'm happy to hear that.
Speaking of landmines...
Date: 2013-06-08 04:43 am (UTC)On a Roll:
How the Penn alumnus behind Humanistic Robotics, Inc. is saving the world one landmine at a time—and making money doing it.
This is the second serendipitous connection I've blog-posted this evening. Maybe I'm on a ...
Re: Speaking of landmines...
Date: 2013-08-18 09:15 pm (UTC)Re: Speaking of landmines...
Date: 2013-08-18 09:36 pm (UTC)Re: Speaking of landmines...
Date: 2013-08-19 06:14 am (UTC)Re: Speaking of landmines...
Date: 2013-08-19 06:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-27 05:54 am (UTC)Having spent four months earlier this year in an intensive outpatient program at an eating disorder clinic, this resonated strongly for me. Hunger and fullness cues can be SUCH a can of worms...
Thoughts
Date: 2013-07-27 06:34 am (UTC)Wow! I'm glad this story touched you. I really appreciate feedback from people with relevant experience.
I hope you're making progress with your own challenges, too.
>> Hunger and fullness cues can be SUCH a can of worms... <<
Yea, verily. Those are issues for most disordered eating and eating disorders. But they also arise in other circumstances -- heat, for instance, can shut down appetite. So it helps for people to be aware of this stuff.
Most of the Avengers have some kind of issues relating to food because of their awful histories, but it varies from one person to another how they show it. These are more challenges than serious problems that interfere with everyday life. For Bucky it's worse because he just escaped from people who controlled everything and now he has to figure out how to manage all of that by himself again. It's not a major theme in this story, but it's a running subthread, and you'll see more of it.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-07-27 06:48 am (UTC)Thank you for the kind words. It was tough, coming into a program full of "traditional" AN/BN diagnoses as a habitual overeater with seemingly nothing in common with those around me, but the similarities showed themselves soon enough, and my time there was incredibly beneficial, leading to improvements in all aspects of my health and well-being.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2013-07-27 07:42 am (UTC)Most of the attention seems to fall on the famous eating disorders. Other types of disordered eating have their own challenges. There is some overlap, but I wish there were more general programs for folks who don't have the famous ones. Some of the needs are likely to differ.
>> but the similarities showed themselves soon enough, and my time there was incredibly beneficial, leading to improvements in all aspects of my health and well-being. <<
That's really good to hear.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-08-18 05:02 pm (UTC)"Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist," Steve murmured.
"-- which is, not so much wrong, as troublingly incomplete," Phil said. "Iron Man isn't the only mask he wears, and that public front he puts up is actually harder to get through." Tony had an odd tendency of advertising his more garish flaws to obscure the deeper weaknesses, and he also preferred to keep his courage and valor out of plain sight.
(And this is a perfect description of Tony Stark/Iron Man and why I love my flawed hero. *kisses Tony on top of his head and cuddles him*)
Aww...
Date: 2013-08-19 06:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2016-11-10 08:45 am (UTC)That doesn't strike me as odd *at all*. It strikes me as intelligent self-preservation, and/or "hiding in plain sight"; the latter was a key coping strategy for me, growing up.
(no subject)
Date: 2023-08-11 01:55 am (UTC)Yes ...
Date: 2023-08-11 10:39 am (UTC)*sigh* I once had to explain "interpenetration" to a choreographer who had designed the damn dance that was all about it. I'd wanted to know his thoughts on the topic, and he had no idea what they were beyond what he'd put on the stage (which was gorgeous). *headdesk*
Re: Yes ...
Date: 2023-08-11 05:42 pm (UTC)Re: Yes ...
Date: 2023-08-11 07:47 pm (UTC)A big problem is that most people work from the surface in, not from the core out. Because they don't actually know what they're doing, the results are often poor. With entertainment, that just a wobbly read; but with science, the results can get a lot worse. And because I work from the core out, it's common for me to spot things in other people's material that they didn't know about. Ironically, the same happens to me once in a while, where a new insight will make me realize I put something in that I didn't even know I was writing.