Poem: "A Different Flavor of Hurt"
Nov. 18th, 2015 04:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysabetwordsmithThis poem is spillover from the September 1, 2015 Poetry Fishbowl. It was inspired by a prompt from technoshaman. It also fills the "cutting edge" square in my 5-18-15 card for the ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
origfic_bingo fest, and the "angst" square in my 9-4-15 card for the genprompt_bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by stardreamer. It belongs to the Antimatter & Stalwart Stan thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.
Warning: It's still a mess inside Shiv's head. Highlight for details, some of which are spoilers. Shiv is going stir-crazy from his injuries. He also has to make a difficult decision about cutting ties with old, bad relationships. And then decides to deal with the emotional aftermath by cutting himself. Later Ambrose convinces him to talk with Ragno, and of course, Shiv is mostly wondering whether Ragno wants to kill him. They do find slightly better coping skills in the end, though. If these are touchy topics for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"A Different Flavor of Hurt"
The necessary stillness
quickly drove Shiv crazy.
He thought about moving around,
but even dragging himself to the toilet
hurt so much that he decided
to follow Dr. Bloch's advice
and just stay in bed.
Sure, Shiv could have picked out
stronger painkillers, but then he would
be either sluggish or asleep, and he
hated that a lot more than the ache
of his bruised kidney, which was
annoying but ignorable as long
as he didn't move too much.
I've had worse, he reminded himself.
I got through that. I'll get through this.
Eventually the boredom drove him
to spend some of his refunded points
on watching movies. Most of them were
fluff, but then he found Frozen.
Elsa looked like him, or like
his sister might have looked
if he'd had a sister.
Even though their powers
differed, edges and ice, Shiv still felt
a bone-deep kindred with the snow queen.
The trolls made him shudder,
and he fast-forwarded past them,
but he watched the movie so many times
that he memorized "Let It Go" and found
himself humming it at odd moments.
Shiv never got tired of watching
Elsa declare her independence and
discover her superpower, the way she
created a crystal palace from ice.
He wished that he could have a place as secure
as that cold, razor-edged citadel of isolation.
Shiv also loved watching her
attack people with knives of ice,
the way she thrust out her hands
to drive everyone back and away.
Even when he didn't have the movie
running on his viewscreen or tablet,
snippets of it came back to him
whenever something else
reminded him of it.
Like when he got a message
because he owed tribute
to Boss Batir every month
for being back in Lincoln
after his banishment.
There had been an option
to buy his way back into the gang,
but it had been too expensive and
Shiv had been too pissed at the time
to take advantage of it.
Now he had to pay if he wanted
to keep that option open, and also
not get pounded to putty if the boss
caught him on the wrong turf
after his release.
For the first time since
arriving here, Shiv hesitated.
The memories rose up:
earning his way into the gang,
learning to make a machete,
getting punished for mistakes.
I didn't even know what I
was doing half the time,
Shiv realized in retrospect.
He thought about it, and
frankly he just didn't want to go
back to a boss who beat him
when he fucked up.
Boss White was better --
he mostly handed out shit jobs
until his temper wore off, and
Shiv could live with that.
Let it go, the song whispered in
his head, all cold wind and cutting edge.
He could almost taste the snowflakes.
Shiv let it go, and he could feel
the stinging snap of the tie as he cut it.
There was no going back now.
Fuck it all.
Shiv curled up
a sliver of steel from
beneath his bed, licked over
the edge of it to nick himself where
it wouldn't show, and remembered
the flavor of snow like metal
on the tip of his tongue.
Then he put his movie back on.
It was after lunchtime when
the viewscreen pinged him
with a call from Rosie.
Shiv accepted it on his tablet
so he wouldn't have to roll over
to see the screen on the wall.
"Hey, Rosie, what's up?"
"Hello, Shiv," said Rosie.
"Ragno would like to talk with you,
if you're willing to see him. It's not
an obligation, but I think it might
help both of you to deal with this."
Ragno wants to talk with me?
Automatically Shiv started to sit up,
only to have pain lance through his back.
"Fucking ow," he said.
"Lie still," Rosie said,
waving his hands at Shiv.
"If you agree to a meeting,
I can bring Ragno to you --
he's mobile by now."
Nothing wrong with his legs,
Shiv remembered, a queasy image
of the incident replaying in his mind.
"Is he -- how is he?" Shiv asked.
"Shaken and sore, but he's
healing well," said Rosie.
"Does that tell you what
you needed to know?"
Well, no, but Shiv was
not about to ask Rosie,
"Is he likely to try killing me?"
If it came to that, Shiv could
certainly defend himself.
"I don't know if I could afford
a visitor," he hedged.
Staff visits didn't count,
but a social visit was not
cheap in the solitary wing, and
along with losing access to ways
to spend points, Shiv had also
lost ways of earning them.
"No cost, and in fact, it pays,"
Rosie said. "This counts as
relationship maintenance and
accepting responsibility."
"Oh," Shiv said. "In that case,
I guess I'll see Ragno."
"Thank you," said Rosie.
"I'll bring him by shortly."
While waiting for that,
Shiv fussed and fidgeted,
which made his back hurt,
then grimaced from that,
which made his face hurt.
He whittled up a metal file
to clean under his fingernails,
but made it too sharp and
cut into the quick.
Swearing, he stuck his finger
in his mouth. He never had
been good at waiting.
A soft knock at the door
was followed immediately
by Rosie saying, "Do not
get up to answer this, I'm
having the guard open it."
The lock chattered open.
Too late to back out now.
Rosie helped Ragno into the room
and quickly sat him in the single chair,
leaning against the wall himself.
Trying to twist around
to look at them directly just
aggravated Shiv's injuries again,
but he gritted his teeth against it
so he could make eye contact.
Ragno looked moderately awful,
every motion slow with the kind of
deep exhaustion that came along
with any serious injury. He had
black circles under his eyes, and
dark bruises above the white gauze
that covered the stump of his forearm
under the sturdy canvas sling.
Looking at the wound he'd left behind
was a different flavor of hurt. Shiv
found that he couldn't do so for
very long, but neither could
he keep his eyes off it.
"Hey," he said to Ragno.
"Good to see you up."
"Yeah," said Ragno. "You look
like a wedding favor, you know,
the kind they drag behind a car?"
Shiv laughed, which hurt his face
and his battered ribs, but it was
worth the pain. "Guess so."
What a pair we make, he thought.
"I'm not supposed to overdo it,
but some things need to be said
in person," Ragno declared.
Goosebumps raced along Shiv's arms
as he wondered if Ragno meant
to start a feud right now.
"Like what?" Shiv made himself ask,
though the words dragged at his throat.
"Thank you for saving my life," Ragno said.
Heat replaced the cold, followed
by confusion. It didn't make any sense.
I'm no hero. Everyone knows that.
"You took a terrible risk," Ragno went on.
"That's not the kind of debt that can
ever be repaid. I just wanted you
to know that I'm grateful."
What ri-- oh.
Because the chayne
might have spread from
Ragno to Shiv.
He shied away from the memory.
"So you're not mad about --
about how I did it?" Shiv asked.
Ragno flinched, a haunted look
crossing his face as he pulled
the stump closer to his body.
"I'd rather not talk about
that part, if you don't mind."
"You don't have to discuss
those details if you're not ready,"
Rosie assured him.
Hell, Shiv didn't want to either.
I will never be ready for that.
Catch was, that left them without
anything on the table, and he wasn't
much of a party animal either.
Then Shiv remembered the worksheets
that he'd done on small talk, which had
seemed like a complete waste of time
but now might come in handy.
"I am sorry you're not feeling well,"
he said. "What have you been doing
to keep from getting bored? I've
been watching movies."
"I've watched some movies,"
Ragno said, leaning forward a little.
"Mostly I'm playing games, though."
He took out his tablet computer,
then shuffled over to synch it
with Shiv's tablet.
As he did so, Ragno's hand
slipped down to hide a packet
of smokes between Shiv's arm
and the fuzzy blanket.
"Just don't light those
where the guards could see,"
Rosie warned him.
A chill crept over Shiv.
How did he know?
"Light what?" Ragno said.
"I'm tolerant, boys, not blind,"
Rosie said dryly.
"Sorry, sir," Ragno muttered.
Shiv kept his mouth shut.
Ragno nudged the bed.
"I'll be careful," Shiv said.
"Anyway, I've been playing with
some of the arts and crafts games,
like Transpirograph," said Ragno.
Shiv wasn't particularly impressed
by little scribbly lines, but it was
still better than talking about
their respective injuries, so
he tried to make polite noises.
Ragno noticed his boredom anyway.
"Wait, I know one you'd like more,"
he said. "You do snowflakes
in the craft room, right?"
"Yeah, when they let me," Shiv said.
The guards didn't trust him with scissors
if he'd been acting up, but on a good day
he loved seeing how lacy he could
make the paper before it fell apart.
"Well, there's an app for that," Ragno said,
passing it from his tablet to Shiv's.
"Check out Blizzard Wizard."
Shiv squinted at the control screen,
trying to make sense out of the fuzzy blobs
and what might have been buttons.
A little tapping around got him
a piece of paper hovering over a table,
quickly trimmed into shape by a pair of
flying scissors. The crisp snick! of
the sound effects made him grin.
I like this game already.
"So how do I make it work?"
Shiv said, poking it again.
"You'll figure it out," Ragno said,
returning to his chair.
Shiv huffed at him, but went back
to experimenting with the game.
If there were any instructions, he
couldn't read them, but most of
these things were tappers.
Then Shiv discovered that
pointing to a spot on the paper
would put the scissors there, and
tapping twice would begin the cut.
"Hah! Got it!" he said, and
started making a snowflake.
Ragno looked up, and his tablet
skittered out of his grasp
to clatter on the floor.
He's clumsier one-handed,
Shiv thought with an inner wince.
"May I get that for you?"
Rosie asked Ragno, motioning
at the wayward tablet.
"Yes. Please." Ragno bit off the words
like pieces of parsnip, hard and peppery.
"The alarm didn't go off?" Shiv said.
"They turned off the bump alarm after
I dropped the damn thing five times
in ten minutes," Ragno said.
"Here you go," Rosie said
as he returned the tablet.
Ragno struggled to balance it on
his lap and work it with only one hand.
The device slipped and slid, threatening
to head for the floor again.
"Oh, just wedge it between your knees,"
Shiv said. "Here, do it like this." He
showed Ragno the move which he'd
perfected that time he got his arm
broken in three places.
After a little fumbling, Ragno
managed to lock the tablet in place.
"Yeah, that's better," he said.
"Good job," Rosie murmured,
smiling at the two of them.
Well, that kind of kills the fun,
Shiv thought. Approval only
set you up for getting in trouble
when you flubbed it later.
Shiv turned his attention back
to the snowflake app, pushing away
the worries that plagued him and
concentrating on how to make
a replica of some patterns
he'd seen in the movie.
The quiet skritch-scratch of
Ragno's scribble program and
the steady snip-snip-snip of
the scissors were oddly
soothing in his ears.
Rosie didn't even interrupt.
He's comfortable with silence,
Shiv realized, watching him.
After Shiv saved his tenth snowflake,
the program paused and asked -- in type
large enough to read -- if he'd like tips.
Curious, Shiv tapped the YES button.
The screen divided into windows about
the history of cut-paper art, types of
decorative scissors, the geometry
of making paper snowflakes, and
the physics of real ice crystals.
Below that were more buttons
for quizzes to check learning and
questionnaires on personal thoughts.
Shiv peeked at the geometry page
and found it surprisingly interesting,
with suggested patterns to try.
Then he opened the crystal tab,
and saw a set instructions for
copying complex designs from
natural ice onto paper.
I could get to like this, Shiv thought
as he went back to snipping snowflakes.
Even the nagging ache in his body
and the anxiety scraping at his nerves
seemed a little more bearable when
he had something to cut, despite
it being only fake paper.
It was a different flavor of hurt,
yet again, like when he burned
his tongue and it faded away
after a few seconds.
Nobody was bugging him,
and yet he wasn't by himself,
just sitting together with Ragno
scribbling and Rosie doing
whatever he did in his head.
Snick-snick-snick went
the silvery scissors, cutting
Shiv's problems down to size.
* * *
Notes:
“Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care..."
-- Laurie Halse Anderson in Wintergirls
Bruised kidneys benefit from bed rest.
Frozen is an animated movie about two sisters, one with magic and the other without. In Terramagne it's a soup movie. "Let It Go" is a famous song from it, parodied as "Fuck It All."
Shiv isn't the only one who noticed that the trolls are creepy. There are bits of fated love, belligerent sexual tension, and very nearly arranged marriage in those scenes. 0_o
See Elsa's fight sequence.
Extortion is a common way that gangs make money. They may charge a fee for everyone in their territory and/or specific activities such as selling sex or drugs.
(These links are unsettling.) Bad bosses may be violent or otherwise troublesome. Know the warning signs of workplace violence and how to escape your awful boss.
(These links are disturbing too.) Self-harm is a negative coping skill. Although generally considered a feminine problem, boys and men do injure themselves and the number may be rising. There are ways to hurt yourself less and to help a friend who self-harms.
Solitary confinement can be ruinous to human health. Part of the point to the Terramagne prison system is to help inmates adapt to life outside by moving them through areas of progressively lighter control, to see how well (or poorly) they handle greater personal responsibility. The transition lowers the shock of release, which makes it easier to merge back into the community, which lowers recidivism. So even the areas of tighter control, like the private wing, are designed to encourage inmates back toward the looser zones as they earn privileges in return for good behavior. They need the immediate, concrete reward because most of them hadn't gotten it outside.
Gratitude and its expression can make people happier. Here are some ways of expressing gratitude. Accepting gratitude can be a challenge for some people, so there are tips for that too.
Small talk has its uses, but many people hate it. Read some rules and samples for effective small talk. Here are some games and instructions. Since Shiv doesn't have the same social instincts as most people, he's taken to memorizing snippets from the educational materials. It sounds awful and robotic, but much less objectionable than when he just says what he's really thinking.
Dealing with an injured friend can help them recover after medical trauma. Shiv has no fucking clue what he's doing here either.
Transpirograph is an online version of Spirograph, similar to Inspirograph but more complex because it has 3D and animated options.
There are virtual craft programs in the prison. Shiv is bored by the Spirograph one, but likes the paper snowflakes. You can find examples that draw complex polygons or mimic scissors.
The geometry of snowflakes may be explored with cut paper or glue. Learn how to make paper snowflakes. Here are some patterns and instructions on design. Watch a video of paper snowflakes.
Traumatic brain injury can leave vision problems.
Disability etiquette involves giving people a chance to do things for themselves, but offering help when it seems beneficial.
Some people fear praise if they've had bad experiences in the past. Others feel ashamed by approval from the "wrong" direction. Learn how to take compliments gracefully.
A basic problem-solving technique involves reducing a large daunting problem to smaller and more manageable pieces.
technoshaman. It also fills the "cutting edge" square in my 5-18-15 card for the origfic_bingo fest, and the "angst" square in my 9-4-15 card for the genprompt_bingo fest. This poem has been sponsored by stardreamer. It belongs to the Antimatter & Stalwart Stan thread of the Polychrome Heroics series.Warning: It's still a mess inside Shiv's head. Highlight for details, some of which are spoilers. Shiv is going stir-crazy from his injuries. He also has to make a difficult decision about cutting ties with old, bad relationships. And then decides to deal with the emotional aftermath by cutting himself. Later Ambrose convinces him to talk with Ragno, and of course, Shiv is mostly wondering whether Ragno wants to kill him. They do find slightly better coping skills in the end, though. If these are touchy topics for you, please consider your tastes and headspace before reading onward.
"A Different Flavor of Hurt"
The necessary stillness
quickly drove Shiv crazy.
He thought about moving around,
but even dragging himself to the toilet
hurt so much that he decided
to follow Dr. Bloch's advice
and just stay in bed.
Sure, Shiv could have picked out
stronger painkillers, but then he would
be either sluggish or asleep, and he
hated that a lot more than the ache
of his bruised kidney, which was
annoying but ignorable as long
as he didn't move too much.
I've had worse, he reminded himself.
I got through that. I'll get through this.
Eventually the boredom drove him
to spend some of his refunded points
on watching movies. Most of them were
fluff, but then he found Frozen.
Elsa looked like him, or like
his sister might have looked
if he'd had a sister.
Even though their powers
differed, edges and ice, Shiv still felt
a bone-deep kindred with the snow queen.
The trolls made him shudder,
and he fast-forwarded past them,
but he watched the movie so many times
that he memorized "Let It Go" and found
himself humming it at odd moments.
Shiv never got tired of watching
Elsa declare her independence and
discover her superpower, the way she
created a crystal palace from ice.
He wished that he could have a place as secure
as that cold, razor-edged citadel of isolation.
Shiv also loved watching her
attack people with knives of ice,
the way she thrust out her hands
to drive everyone back and away.
Even when he didn't have the movie
running on his viewscreen or tablet,
snippets of it came back to him
whenever something else
reminded him of it.
Like when he got a message
because he owed tribute
to Boss Batir every month
for being back in Lincoln
after his banishment.
There had been an option
to buy his way back into the gang,
but it had been too expensive and
Shiv had been too pissed at the time
to take advantage of it.
Now he had to pay if he wanted
to keep that option open, and also
not get pounded to putty if the boss
caught him on the wrong turf
after his release.
For the first time since
arriving here, Shiv hesitated.
The memories rose up:
earning his way into the gang,
learning to make a machete,
getting punished for mistakes.
I didn't even know what I
was doing half the time,
Shiv realized in retrospect.
He thought about it, and
frankly he just didn't want to go
back to a boss who beat him
when he fucked up.
Boss White was better --
he mostly handed out shit jobs
until his temper wore off, and
Shiv could live with that.
Let it go, the song whispered in
his head, all cold wind and cutting edge.
He could almost taste the snowflakes.
Shiv let it go, and he could feel
the stinging snap of the tie as he cut it.
There was no going back now.
Fuck it all.
Shiv curled up
a sliver of steel from
beneath his bed, licked over
the edge of it to nick himself where
it wouldn't show, and remembered
the flavor of snow like metal
on the tip of his tongue.
Then he put his movie back on.
It was after lunchtime when
the viewscreen pinged him
with a call from Rosie.
Shiv accepted it on his tablet
so he wouldn't have to roll over
to see the screen on the wall.
"Hey, Rosie, what's up?"
"Hello, Shiv," said Rosie.
"Ragno would like to talk with you,
if you're willing to see him. It's not
an obligation, but I think it might
help both of you to deal with this."
Ragno wants to talk with me?
Automatically Shiv started to sit up,
only to have pain lance through his back.
"Fucking ow," he said.
"Lie still," Rosie said,
waving his hands at Shiv.
"If you agree to a meeting,
I can bring Ragno to you --
he's mobile by now."
Nothing wrong with his legs,
Shiv remembered, a queasy image
of the incident replaying in his mind.
"Is he -- how is he?" Shiv asked.
"Shaken and sore, but he's
healing well," said Rosie.
"Does that tell you what
you needed to know?"
Well, no, but Shiv was
not about to ask Rosie,
"Is he likely to try killing me?"
If it came to that, Shiv could
certainly defend himself.
"I don't know if I could afford
a visitor," he hedged.
Staff visits didn't count,
but a social visit was not
cheap in the solitary wing, and
along with losing access to ways
to spend points, Shiv had also
lost ways of earning them.
"No cost, and in fact, it pays,"
Rosie said. "This counts as
relationship maintenance and
accepting responsibility."
"Oh," Shiv said. "In that case,
I guess I'll see Ragno."
"Thank you," said Rosie.
"I'll bring him by shortly."
While waiting for that,
Shiv fussed and fidgeted,
which made his back hurt,
then grimaced from that,
which made his face hurt.
He whittled up a metal file
to clean under his fingernails,
but made it too sharp and
cut into the quick.
Swearing, he stuck his finger
in his mouth. He never had
been good at waiting.
A soft knock at the door
was followed immediately
by Rosie saying, "Do not
get up to answer this, I'm
having the guard open it."
The lock chattered open.
Too late to back out now.
Rosie helped Ragno into the room
and quickly sat him in the single chair,
leaning against the wall himself.
Trying to twist around
to look at them directly just
aggravated Shiv's injuries again,
but he gritted his teeth against it
so he could make eye contact.
Ragno looked moderately awful,
every motion slow with the kind of
deep exhaustion that came along
with any serious injury. He had
black circles under his eyes, and
dark bruises above the white gauze
that covered the stump of his forearm
under the sturdy canvas sling.
Looking at the wound he'd left behind
was a different flavor of hurt. Shiv
found that he couldn't do so for
very long, but neither could
he keep his eyes off it.
"Hey," he said to Ragno.
"Good to see you up."
"Yeah," said Ragno. "You look
like a wedding favor, you know,
the kind they drag behind a car?"
Shiv laughed, which hurt his face
and his battered ribs, but it was
worth the pain. "Guess so."
What a pair we make, he thought.
"I'm not supposed to overdo it,
but some things need to be said
in person," Ragno declared.
Goosebumps raced along Shiv's arms
as he wondered if Ragno meant
to start a feud right now.
"Like what?" Shiv made himself ask,
though the words dragged at his throat.
"Thank you for saving my life," Ragno said.
Heat replaced the cold, followed
by confusion. It didn't make any sense.
I'm no hero. Everyone knows that.
"You took a terrible risk," Ragno went on.
"That's not the kind of debt that can
ever be repaid. I just wanted you
to know that I'm grateful."
What ri-- oh.
Because the chayne
might have spread from
Ragno to Shiv.
He shied away from the memory.
"So you're not mad about --
about how I did it?" Shiv asked.
Ragno flinched, a haunted look
crossing his face as he pulled
the stump closer to his body.
"I'd rather not talk about
that part, if you don't mind."
"You don't have to discuss
those details if you're not ready,"
Rosie assured him.
Hell, Shiv didn't want to either.
I will never be ready for that.
Catch was, that left them without
anything on the table, and he wasn't
much of a party animal either.
Then Shiv remembered the worksheets
that he'd done on small talk, which had
seemed like a complete waste of time
but now might come in handy.
"I am sorry you're not feeling well,"
he said. "What have you been doing
to keep from getting bored? I've
been watching movies."
"I've watched some movies,"
Ragno said, leaning forward a little.
"Mostly I'm playing games, though."
He took out his tablet computer,
then shuffled over to synch it
with Shiv's tablet.
As he did so, Ragno's hand
slipped down to hide a packet
of smokes between Shiv's arm
and the fuzzy blanket.
"Just don't light those
where the guards could see,"
Rosie warned him.
A chill crept over Shiv.
How did he know?
"Light what?" Ragno said.
"I'm tolerant, boys, not blind,"
Rosie said dryly.
"Sorry, sir," Ragno muttered.
Shiv kept his mouth shut.
Ragno nudged the bed.
"I'll be careful," Shiv said.
"Anyway, I've been playing with
some of the arts and crafts games,
like Transpirograph," said Ragno.
Shiv wasn't particularly impressed
by little scribbly lines, but it was
still better than talking about
their respective injuries, so
he tried to make polite noises.
Ragno noticed his boredom anyway.
"Wait, I know one you'd like more,"
he said. "You do snowflakes
in the craft room, right?"
"Yeah, when they let me," Shiv said.
The guards didn't trust him with scissors
if he'd been acting up, but on a good day
he loved seeing how lacy he could
make the paper before it fell apart.
"Well, there's an app for that," Ragno said,
passing it from his tablet to Shiv's.
"Check out Blizzard Wizard."
Shiv squinted at the control screen,
trying to make sense out of the fuzzy blobs
and what might have been buttons.
A little tapping around got him
a piece of paper hovering over a table,
quickly trimmed into shape by a pair of
flying scissors. The crisp snick! of
the sound effects made him grin.
I like this game already.
"So how do I make it work?"
Shiv said, poking it again.
"You'll figure it out," Ragno said,
returning to his chair.
Shiv huffed at him, but went back
to experimenting with the game.
If there were any instructions, he
couldn't read them, but most of
these things were tappers.
Then Shiv discovered that
pointing to a spot on the paper
would put the scissors there, and
tapping twice would begin the cut.
"Hah! Got it!" he said, and
started making a snowflake.
Ragno looked up, and his tablet
skittered out of his grasp
to clatter on the floor.
He's clumsier one-handed,
Shiv thought with an inner wince.
"May I get that for you?"
Rosie asked Ragno, motioning
at the wayward tablet.
"Yes. Please." Ragno bit off the words
like pieces of parsnip, hard and peppery.
"The alarm didn't go off?" Shiv said.
"They turned off the bump alarm after
I dropped the damn thing five times
in ten minutes," Ragno said.
"Here you go," Rosie said
as he returned the tablet.
Ragno struggled to balance it on
his lap and work it with only one hand.
The device slipped and slid, threatening
to head for the floor again.
"Oh, just wedge it between your knees,"
Shiv said. "Here, do it like this." He
showed Ragno the move which he'd
perfected that time he got his arm
broken in three places.
After a little fumbling, Ragno
managed to lock the tablet in place.
"Yeah, that's better," he said.
"Good job," Rosie murmured,
smiling at the two of them.
Well, that kind of kills the fun,
Shiv thought. Approval only
set you up for getting in trouble
when you flubbed it later.
Shiv turned his attention back
to the snowflake app, pushing away
the worries that plagued him and
concentrating on how to make
a replica of some patterns
he'd seen in the movie.
The quiet skritch-scratch of
Ragno's scribble program and
the steady snip-snip-snip of
the scissors were oddly
soothing in his ears.
Rosie didn't even interrupt.
He's comfortable with silence,
Shiv realized, watching him.
After Shiv saved his tenth snowflake,
the program paused and asked -- in type
large enough to read -- if he'd like tips.
Curious, Shiv tapped the YES button.
The screen divided into windows about
the history of cut-paper art, types of
decorative scissors, the geometry
of making paper snowflakes, and
the physics of real ice crystals.
Below that were more buttons
for quizzes to check learning and
questionnaires on personal thoughts.
Shiv peeked at the geometry page
and found it surprisingly interesting,
with suggested patterns to try.
Then he opened the crystal tab,
and saw a set instructions for
copying complex designs from
natural ice onto paper.
I could get to like this, Shiv thought
as he went back to snipping snowflakes.
Even the nagging ache in his body
and the anxiety scraping at his nerves
seemed a little more bearable when
he had something to cut, despite
it being only fake paper.
It was a different flavor of hurt,
yet again, like when he burned
his tongue and it faded away
after a few seconds.
Nobody was bugging him,
and yet he wasn't by himself,
just sitting together with Ragno
scribbling and Rosie doing
whatever he did in his head.
Snick-snick-snick went
the silvery scissors, cutting
Shiv's problems down to size.
* * *
Notes:
“Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care..."
-- Laurie Halse Anderson in Wintergirls
Bruised kidneys benefit from bed rest.
Frozen is an animated movie about two sisters, one with magic and the other without. In Terramagne it's a soup movie. "Let It Go" is a famous song from it, parodied as "Fuck It All."
Shiv isn't the only one who noticed that the trolls are creepy. There are bits of fated love, belligerent sexual tension, and very nearly arranged marriage in those scenes. 0_o
See Elsa's fight sequence.
Extortion is a common way that gangs make money. They may charge a fee for everyone in their territory and/or specific activities such as selling sex or drugs.
(These links are unsettling.) Bad bosses may be violent or otherwise troublesome. Know the warning signs of workplace violence and how to escape your awful boss.
(These links are disturbing too.) Self-harm is a negative coping skill. Although generally considered a feminine problem, boys and men do injure themselves and the number may be rising. There are ways to hurt yourself less and to help a friend who self-harms.
Solitary confinement can be ruinous to human health. Part of the point to the Terramagne prison system is to help inmates adapt to life outside by moving them through areas of progressively lighter control, to see how well (or poorly) they handle greater personal responsibility. The transition lowers the shock of release, which makes it easier to merge back into the community, which lowers recidivism. So even the areas of tighter control, like the private wing, are designed to encourage inmates back toward the looser zones as they earn privileges in return for good behavior. They need the immediate, concrete reward because most of them hadn't gotten it outside.
Gratitude and its expression can make people happier. Here are some ways of expressing gratitude. Accepting gratitude can be a challenge for some people, so there are tips for that too.
Small talk has its uses, but many people hate it. Read some rules and samples for effective small talk. Here are some games and instructions. Since Shiv doesn't have the same social instincts as most people, he's taken to memorizing snippets from the educational materials. It sounds awful and robotic, but much less objectionable than when he just says what he's really thinking.
Dealing with an injured friend can help them recover after medical trauma. Shiv has no fucking clue what he's doing here either.
Transpirograph is an online version of Spirograph, similar to Inspirograph but more complex because it has 3D and animated options.
There are virtual craft programs in the prison. Shiv is bored by the Spirograph one, but likes the paper snowflakes. You can find examples that draw complex polygons or mimic scissors.
The geometry of snowflakes may be explored with cut paper or glue. Learn how to make paper snowflakes. Here are some patterns and instructions on design. Watch a video of paper snowflakes.
Traumatic brain injury can leave vision problems.
Disability etiquette involves giving people a chance to do things for themselves, but offering help when it seems beneficial.
Some people fear praise if they've had bad experiences in the past. Others feel ashamed by approval from the "wrong" direction. Learn how to take compliments gracefully.
A basic problem-solving technique involves reducing a large daunting problem to smaller and more manageable pieces.
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YAAY
Date: 2015-11-18 03:16 pm (UTC)I mean, I can project the course of his actions after he gets out-- he'll last maybe six months before SOMETHING will send him to prison again. Right now, I'm hoping it'll be the SAME one, so that Ambrose, in particular, can try to chisel out some of the old crap in Shiv's head, to make room for new ideas.
Re: YAAY
Date: 2015-11-19 03:25 am (UTC)Aww. (Don't tell him that.)
>> I mean, I can project the course of his actions after he gets out-- he'll last maybe six months before SOMETHING will send him to prison again. <<
Maybe, maybe not. A lot depends on his choices. He already has more resources than he used to. If he starts being more careful then he might stay out longer. The main reason he got caught the last time was simply that he got knocked unconscious.
>>Right now, I'm hoping it'll be the SAME one, so that Ambrose, in particular, can try to chisel out some of the old crap in Shiv's head, to make room for new ideas.<<
It would be, because that's all the where Nebraska has to send its misbehaving soups. But just because Shiv will be leaving early, doesn't necessarily mean his support network will dump him. It's up to him whether he chooses to make continued use of anything.
Re: YAAY
Date: 2019-03-19 02:28 am (UTC)It's really cool that four years later, by our observers' viewpoint, Shiv is actually doing pretty well, even under a setback. <3
Re: YAAY
Date: 2019-03-19 03:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-11-18 03:29 pm (UTC)Thank you!
Date: 2015-11-18 09:45 pm (UTC)Yep, that's one of the inspiring programs.
>>I also like how you made the connection between that and Frozen, and how both would appeal to Shiv.<<
Aww. He does think in terms of points and edges.
Re: You're welcome
Date: 2015-11-18 11:53 pm (UTC)That struck me as a sign he's ju-u-st starting to think about himself as existing in relationship with others.
Re: You're welcome
Date: 2015-11-19 03:39 am (UTC)Aww!
>>That struck me as a sign he's ju-u-st starting to think about himself as existing in relationship with others.<<
I had not noticed that per se, but I think you're absolutely right. He's doing something that most people learn as toddlers, thinking about how other people relate to him and how he relates to them. Thinking in terms of connections, even if it's an odd and imaginary one in this case.
That's a key reason why the prison keeps some entertainment available for free use. They want to encourage the inmates toward imagination and social thought. Movies and stories are good for that.
Re: You're welcome
Date: 2015-11-19 10:26 am (UTC)That's like saying brick and mortar are good for building walls. ...Or, since we're talking Shiv: scissors are good for cutting paper. ;-)
Re: You're welcome
Date: 2015-11-19 10:44 am (UTC)It's why there's a range of different material. Some amount of stuff is always free, because even the inmates with crummy control need something to do so they don't come apart at the seams. Some even pays in points, based on educational or social value. But the guys generally want more screen time than they get for free, and their tastes are usually quite different from the staff-recommended selections. The prison won't approve really violent content, but there's a spectrum from fluff to things with some drama.
By design, there are small pleasures allowed to everyone, but anybody who wants the really good stuff has to work for it. There are always more perks on the menu than the guys can afford easily, and plentiful opportunities to earn points. Ideally, it coaxes them into getting involved and learning that the better they behave, the more rewards they get. Kind of like life-with-training-wheels.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-11-18 03:40 pm (UTC)Wow!
Date: 2015-11-18 09:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2015-11-18 11:28 pm (UTC)Your link to Elsa's fight scene has been taken down. But I can definitely see that movie appealing to Shiv; it appeals to a lot of people who have been told all their lives that who they were wasn't good enough. And "Fuck it All" made me laugh.
Shiv deciding that he doesn't want to maintain even the option of working for an abusive boss is a very good sign! I think that's the first indication of "I deserve better than this" we've seen from him.
Heh. Ragno clearly comes from somewhere like the Detroit area -- the honking wedding parade with stuff tied to the car is extremely regional. Nashville doesn't have it, and neither does Houston, but I remember it from growing up. Hmmm... it occurs to me to wonder if it's part of a specific ethnic culture or cultures?
Worksheets on small talk would be great for a bunch of people I know! Questions about that kind of thing also pop up regularly on Captain Awkward; NVs tend to have the most trouble with it overall, but you don't have to be NV to be very shy or have social anxiety.
"I'm tolerant, boys, not blind,"
Rosie said dryly.
*snerk*
Approval only
set you up for getting in trouble
when you flubbed it later.
And there again we see how badly damaged Shiv is; his sense of what's good and what's bad in relationships is nearly inverted. That really sucks.
Also, learning about "introvert socializing" (which is kind of what we're seeing here) is probably a good thing for him. The option of having human companionship without feeling an obligation to entertain is going to be helpful to him right now, in ways he won't even realize for a while yet.
Thoughts
Date: 2015-11-19 08:54 am (UTC)Yeah, the more we see of Shiv, the more clear it becomes why he is such a mess.
>>Your link to Elsa's fight scene has been taken down.<<
Fixed, try it again.
>> But I can definitely see that movie appealing to Shiv; it appeals to a lot of people who have been told all their lives that who they were wasn't good enough.<<
Yes, exactly. He can also relate to feeling torn between wanting to be around people, and wanting them to leave him the hell alone.
>> And "Fuck it All" made me laugh. <<
:D
>> Shiv deciding that he doesn't want to maintain even the option of working for an abusive boss is a very good sign! I think that's the first indication of "I deserve better than this" we've seen from him. <<
I think you're right. He has probably toyed with the idea in the past, but only recently begun to consider it as a serious possibility.
>> Heh. Ragno clearly comes from somewhere like the Detroit area -- the honking wedding parade with stuff tied to the car is extremely regional. Nashville doesn't have it, and neither does Houston, but I remember it from growing up. <<
Detroit -- which is Motor City in Terramagne -- is a possibility. I've seen the cans-behind-car routine here in Illinois though. Maybe it's midwestern? I do know that Detroit has had some substantial Italian influence, though, and that is Ragno's background.
>> Hmmm... it occurs to me to wonder if it's part of a specific ethnic culture or cultures? <<
That's possible.
>> Worksheets on small talk would be great for a bunch of people I know! <<
I linked the few that I could find. More would be good. For some people it's easier just to memorize stock phrases.
>>Questions about that kind of thing also pop up regularly on Captain Awkward; NVs tend to have the most trouble with it overall, but you don't have to be NV to be very shy or have social anxiety. <<
I'm not shy. I just consider small talk to be a fucking miserable waste of time.
>>And there again we see how badly damaged Shiv is; his sense of what's good and what's bad in relationships is nearly inverted. That really sucks. <<
Yep. Poor kid spends most of his time driving in reverse. But it will help to be around people who are not total assholes, and really mean it when they compliment him.
>> Also, learning about "introvert socializing" (which is kind of what we're seeing here) is probably a good thing for him. The option of having human companionship without feeling an obligation to entertain is going to be helpful to him right now, in ways he won't even realize for a while yet. <<
I agree that will help. Shiv hasn't had much control over how or where he spends his time, or who with, unless it involved running away. So he doesn't know much about what he likes or what works for him. Realizing that he has an easier time keeping his temper when he gets plenty of time by himself, and that he likes a little indirect conversation rather than being the center of attention too much, should improve things a lot.
(no subject)
Date: 2015-11-19 05:35 pm (UTC)Small talk is what makes it possible to have serious talk, though. Small talk is what allows you to build the trust that gets you to where you can discuss more important stuff, and build genuine relationships with people. It's not just make-work, it's a TOOL. It's part of having good manners, and manners are the oil that lubricates the social contract.
Well...
Date: 2015-11-19 11:42 pm (UTC)I have heard this said repeatedly. I'm pretty sure that some people make it work, but I have literally no idea how they identify a match with what to me is non-topical information. I am left to assume that either they genuinely enjoy talking about fluff or they have some sense I do not.
It is not true for me. Small talk makes me bored and hostile, not open. They're blathering on about their pets, their kids, who they're dating or fucking, some local sports team, and it's like being stabbed in the ears with icepicks. It also indicates that the speaker is almost certainly not someone I can connect with. The success rate approaches zero, and the best benefit to come out of it is friendly acquaintance, not friend. It is a massive amount of unpleasant work for next to no benefit. Like if someone said, "Want to see if we can be friends? First clean my toilet."
Fuck, NO.
It doesn't work for me because it sends the wrong signals. It falsely purports that I care about those things and enjoy that kind of interaction. I don't. I don't even fake it well. And if I attract people who think I do, it's just going to turn out badly for everyone. The fact is, normal people bore me and I scare them. Even if we're trying to get along, very often they are frustrated, confused, or uncomfortable about what I am -- smart, cosmopolitan, genderqueer, and so on.
You can make something happen, but you can't necessarily make it work.
>> Small talk is what allows you to build the trust that gets you to where you can discuss more important stuff, and build genuine relationships with people. It's not just make-work, it's a TOOL. <<
I understand that it's supposed to work that way for some people, although I am ... dubious. I mean I get the theory, but when I look at the practice, it seems to stall at casual level almost all the time even for normal people. So many people complain about small talk that I have to wonder if it's like monogamy: something everyone is supposed to do but almost nobody actually does well or likes doing.
I agree that trust building takes time, under most circumstances. But if there's only one option and it doesn't work for me -- in fact, does not work for a lot of folks -- then the connection rate will be low.
Ways I open contact:
* Resonance. Many of my closest friendships have been instant mutual connections. This is common in the circles I frequent. If we have the time, we spend a few hours talking about everything that comes to mind to set the bond as fast as possible. It's awesome. Sometimes it doesn't go really deep really fast, but other times it does. And yes, that works too, although it's riskier. I can't actually think of it ever blowing up in my face. Rare occurrence, very high success rate, very high reward: pounce on it every time. This, apparently, is an ability common in fringe communities but rare enough in the mainstream that a lot of people don't even believe it. They'll believe love at first sight, but not friendship. Whatever. I can't blame them for not believing something they've never seen.
* Miscellaneous tangent opportunity. If I'm at a convention, a Pagan gathering, or some other socially target-rich environment then those are stocked with what are to us very good icebreakers. Sometimes deliberate, sometimes random. A good con suite or green room will have some games or sparker questions scattered around. A good gathering will have a bardic circle or fireside or some other mixer. If I'm looking for company I can just hunt around for someone else who is and use the available materials or activities to find a match. It works because a little poking around can usually find something of mutual interest, which means if we turn out to like each other, we've got something to build on. Pretty good success rate, variable reward, not too high a chance of mishap. Well worth pursuing if I have the opportunity and am in the mood.
* Thematic. Everyone's gathered for a very specific topic, which means we all have that in common. So if it's also a social mixer, we can just cross-check our personal details to see who's the best match. It's guaranteed field match and there's almost always someone who'll be a good personal match. You just list what you're doing with the topic of the day, and the other person lists theirs, and you see if they fit. Even if they don't, the topic is of mutual interest and thus probably fun whether or not a given round pans out. This ranges from moderately successful to some of the best social events I've ever had in my life.
* Fringe skimming. If stuck in a big boisterous event that I hate, I can check the walls, corners, exits, and adjacent areas such as coatrooms and parking lots. There is almost always at least one other person doing the same thing, and we are almost always compatible in a "misery loves company" context even if that's all we have in common. This method is so reliable it doesn't even require a common language. I used it to great effect both in Mexico and Russia. Sometimes all we had in common was not liking noise, their meagre English and my nascent Russian or Spanish. Fine, we'll sit out here and practice language skills.
I'm not antisocial. I just have no interest in being around people who are boring or obnoxious, and that's almost everyone. I am not wired the way most people are and it means I have to do some things differently. Nor do I feel that it's particularly decent for me to foist myself on people who don't want to be around me, just for the sake of me being around somebody. Put me in a context with compatible people, and I'm actually popular. That was so disconcerting it took years to get used to, but it's true. It just doesn't apply to everyday society, alas.
>> It's part of having good manners, and manners are the oil that lubricates the social contract. <<
In theory, yes. Certain types of civility have practical uses, like making sure when you walk through a door you are not letting it loose to hit someone behind you. But I have found the vast majority of "manners" to consist of lies, and those lies can be very destructive. Pretending to like something you don't, pretending to regret something you meant because your goals genuinely oppose the other person's, doing things just because everyone is doing them, etc. I resent being asked to lie all the time to be around people. It makes me distrust them and avoid them. It doesn't make me think they're polite, it makes me think they're dishonest. I prefer to be around people I'm compatible with. And the things I think of as polite are so far off the norm that most people hate them and will not tolerate them.
This is why my partner Doug refers to me as "differently civilized."
politesse
Date: 2016-09-25 12:10 am (UTC)Would you be willing to briefly describe an example or two? I'd certainly find it educational, and possibly fascinating as well.
Re: politesse
Date: 2016-09-25 01:10 am (UTC)I have no idea how the other person got theirs to work. Different people, different place, different skills -- in any case, something we didn't have.
Another is honesty. People lie that they admire it, but most of them don't. They hate it. Most of the worst fights I've gotten into were when I ran out of patience for lying or being quiet about something.
Closely related, I will proactively apologize for something I regret. I do not wish to apologize for things I do not regret. Sometimes people are simply opposed in their needs or goals, and lying about that just leads to making decisions on wrong information which leads to more upset. If you disagree, you should be honest about it. I actively resent people demanding apologies for things that I did on purpose, for reasons, that they simply didn't like, and will do again when the same situation arises if there's no better option then. Apology is about mending a relationship, and lying does not do that. People don't want the truth. They want to be told what they want to hear. What freaks them out even more is that I don't want fake apologies from anyone. If you're opposed to me, then respect me enough to say that to my face.
Re: politesse
Date: 2016-09-25 04:48 am (UTC)This instantly launches a lyric cue in my head, to a favorite Billy Joel song titled Honesty, whose chorus goes:
... which then links associatively to another Billy Joel song, And So It Goes.
>> People don't want the truth. They want to be told what they want to hear. <<
Overwhelmingly true in my experience also. It makes the exceptions disconcerting but *very* refreshing. :-)
Re: politesse
Date: 2016-09-25 04:51 am (UTC)One of them once had a girlfriend I got stuck in the car with for several hours. She never shut up the whole time, and never once said anything of consequence.
When we met up, I said to him, "She must be an almighty good fuck."
He gave me a sheepish smile and nodded.
not in it for the conversation
Date: 2016-09-25 06:07 am (UTC)Re: not in it for the conversation
Date: 2016-09-26 01:44 am (UTC)Some months to a year, I think.
>>People that one can't talk to, about "anything and nothing", as my partner puts it, tend to lose their appeal, fast. :-) <<
Which is true for people who use talking as a primary means of connection. Not everyone does.
Re: making connections
Date: 2016-09-26 09:54 am (UTC)Excellent point! Also, a good reminder. Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2016-02-07 07:59 pm (UTC)Oh, that was wonderful. Poor Shiv! He really doesn't know what he's gotten himself in for with all this kindness!